The Slut

No; this isn't about me being angry with some former lover & questioning her morals. This is about me.

While "slut" is a term normally applied to women I can't find any more appropriate description of my history. I am capable of being monogamous & I've only cheated on 1 girl that I had an obligation with but in general I've been single & sleeping around.

A side note; the 1 girl I did cheat on - I was 15 & made out with another girl. I hadn't had sex with either of them by that point & in fact broke things off with both of them within a week of my indiscretion. I confessed to the girl I was obligated to & explained my indiscretion to the girl I had cheated on her with. I learned very early on that I have too guilty a conscience about that sort of thing & have not broken an obligation since.

When I was 16 I met a girl who worked in the office of a company I worked for part time. She was 6 years older than I was. We hit it off & within a month or so I was sleeping with her. In fact I lost my virginity with her. That'd have been cool & everything but she was married at the time. So ultimately things didn't work out.

The next girl I slept with I was 17 & that turned out to be a 1 night stand. She was a few years older & not looking for a relationship. A few months later I met JL & she & I started dating, but that ended disastrously & I took myself out of circulation for close to a year.

After that it was on. I didn't sleep with just anyone; there had to be a certain attraction & I was very selective in my tastes. I wasn't like many of my friends who were just trying to fuck anyone they could every night of the week. Nor was I like a few of my friends who were looking for someone to settle down with. I was trying to find beautiful women that had something else going for them besides their appearance & seduce them; not just physically but mentally & emotionally as well. Getting laid wasn't the goal. It was the means to the goal. That goal was having someone I cared for fall for me. Whether it turned into a multiple week fling or something long term & serious didn't matter.

I was in a few relationships, some on & off & some continuous but every time I found myself single I was either sleeping with someone on a semi-regular basis or looking for someone to sleep with on a semi-regular basis.

I won't delve into how many lovers I've had or could have had I'll just say that I've turned down more women (sometimes unintentionally) than I've been with, but probably not as many as I've struck out with.

Another thing that I should say; physically I'm not that attractive. An objective assessment is that I look somewhere between slightly below average & average. My success in the dating field never came because women's jaws dropped when I'd walk into a room. It always came through some aspect of my personality. Which aspect varied from lady to lady but I think most have just appreciated my confidence & directness. I'd not be shy about talking to them which gave me a leg up on the majority of guys in their world. In fact my friends loved having me along when they'd go out because I would walk up to a group of women & just start chatting them up. I broke the ice & sometimes that's all that was needed.

I have a few other things going in my favor that usually didn't become known until the ladies decided to get intimate with me. Perhaps the one the lady will see most readily is that I'm good at foreplay. More precisely I'm usually prettygood at figuring out what turns a particular lady one & using that to make her very excited. I'm capable of having quickies but prefer to take some time just making out & enjoying the excitement & anticipation that comes with foreplay.

Another things is size. All guys say they're larger than average. I never bragged about my size; in fact I have seldom mentioned it. But I am a bit larger than average. Average male length is somewhere around 6 inches long by 1.5 inches wide. I'm around 8 inches long & 2 inches wide. Most women found this a plus (although a few just couldn't handle the length & girth) & coupled with the way I fuck it seldom resulted in the lady only wanting to sleep with me once.

I also have found I have an ejaculatory dysfunction. It's called Delayed Ejaculation & it was only recently that I realized that the condition existed & that I had it & it was not normal. Basically it's a psychological thing that prevents me from having an orgasm the way most guys do. Most men cum within 5 minutes or so of penetration. It usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour or sometimes longer. & it seems the more attracted I am to the lady the longer it takes.

This comes from my desire to please the lady & is something akin to a reverse of performance anxiety. I just focus too much on being a good lover to relax enough to let the physical pleasure take its natural course. So where most guys take about 5 to 10 minutes I'm taking an hour or so.

It's been a problem before but not mentioned too much. I think the ladies just assumed they didn't turn me on enough to make me cum, which is close to the exact opposite of what was going on. But coupled with my size it has made things less than enjoyable on occasion.

Still with the women I've slept with who had a circle of friends I was accessible to this has generally worked out well for me. as I said my appearance isn't the stuff wet dreams are made of but when one of their girlfriends tells them I'm well hung & fucked them all night long it's made me a popular choice for a late night bootie call.

Getting laid was never easy, but it usually wasn’t that difficult. I had to put some effort into it but usually a month or two was the longest I went without a lover (though there have been exceptions to this).

But usually when I gave up hope on a relationship I was within weeks looking for a new lover or lovers. Typically it was just that: lovers. I never tried to have anything deeper & would cut the lady off when she pressed for something more than what I wished to give her. I wasn't afraid of commitment I just didn't want to commit to anyone when I had recently gotten out of something serious.

My pattern was this; I'd sleep around until I found someone I thought I could be serious with & then I'd commit to her. When it ended I'd take a few weeks or so to get my head together then immediately start looking for another lover. I'd do this for months or sometimes years until I found someone else I felt was worth the emotional risk of commitment.

& it was fun - well the sleeping around part. But I've always thought that a monogamous relationship was preferable. I just had very high standards when it came to those & I wasn't going to turn my nose up at the second best thing.

That's changed now. At least for the moment.

With JAG I met her with the intent of us just being lovers. I was still seeing KS & didn't want to get involved in anything. But over time I saw myself with JAG in a serious relationship. I fell for her more or less which was tricky because I still loved KS. When JAG bailed on me I was at a loss for a bit. I ended up seeing KA again for a few weeks but she moved out of state.

I started dating around again like I was used to doing. But this time things were different; I met a few girls I knew I could commit to but didn't. I told myself various reasons for this but the truth is that I couldn't stop thinking about JAG, even though she was in something else herself. That should have clued me in to what was going on with me but humans have a great capacity for fooling themselves & I’m a very good example of that.

When she came back around I cut everyone off. I stopped looking. I stopped fucking. In all fairness I had meant to cut off one lover by that time anyway as she was getting too attached & not pursuing her other options, but I didn't try to replace her. But to this day I haven't slept with anyone but JAG since she became single in the first days of August. I always thought she'd be shocked if she found that out because she viewed me (not wholly inaccurately) as a slut.

I went out on a few dates & messed around a little bit but I always stopped short of fucking. One lady I gave an orgasm to through foreplay & another got so far as to have my cock in her mouth for a few seconds, but each time I declined to fuck them (in the latter's case withdrawing myself from her mouth & telling her it was nice but it was going a bit farther than I wished). But the dates were just to pass the time as I couldn't see JAG on those nights.

What makes it worse is that at least then I was seeing JAG (albeit not that often) & had some hope of things progressing. Since JAG & I fell out I haven't fucked anyone or really tried to.

The first few weeks after our falling out I was trying to go through the motions. But the first lady that seemed likely to follow through with her flirting I canceled on. It was just some strange almost inexplicable feeling in my gut that had nothing to do with her & everything to do with JAG.

Since then I haven't even really tried. I'll flirt here & there but that's more habitual than a solid attempt at anything. & it's a bit annoying really because my sex drive hasn't diminished at all, but the selectivity I have is working against me. At the moment I don't wish to have anyone else other than JAG so I don't even look. I will admit though that there are a few women I could sleep with, but they are all ladies whom I already have feelings for & know them to have some feelings for me. Unfortunately the closest one is a 16 hour drive, but perhaps that's just as well.

Odd isn't it? That a self acknowledged slut will be faithful to someone in absentia. I joked around a bit that I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now, & typically that would be the case. Except when I was 2 or 3 flings past her I wasn't past her.

But seducing women, & not just women but beautiful women, & not just beautiful in their appearance - that's been the most engaged in hobby I've ever had. When it worked out it was certainly fun, but even when it didn't it usually was to some degree enjoyable.

All that being said I think what I'm going through now is some offshoot of the introspective period I think I'm in. Though the urge for sex hits me strongly from time to time I don't want to give in to it. At least not until I figure out what's going on with me. I'm not saying that I've declared a period of celibacy for X number of months or years; in fact I have no idea if tomorrow I'll wake up & start the search for lovers again. But I think I realize that my usual tricks won't help me get JAG off my mind & that it wouldn't be fair to pursue anyone else at the moment, for myself as much as for them.

That is my story though; a slut (albeit a very selective one) for most of my life being celibate because of my feelings for someone I'm estranged with. It's a shame, not because of the pleasure I'm not engaging in, but like playing guitar it's one of the things I think I'm most talented at. To some degree it bothers me not that I'm not getting laid, but that I'm not giving out pleasure to someone I care for through those means.

Workin' For A Living

Huey Lewis & the News. A cute little 80's pop tune. Here's a vid for ya.

My first job outside of working for my grandfather (as a clerk/stock boy/ad hoc security in his store) was at a pizzeria. I was 13. I haven't worked every day since then by any means, but I've busted my ass at some jobs & there have been a lot of jobs. In the past I've been a:

Dishwasher
Cook
Bus boy
Office cleaner/janitor
Landscaper
Painter
Well driller's assistant
Catering plant worker
Fast food restaurant prep worker
Plastic factory machine operator
Bakery packaging line worker
Cassette tape factory machine operator
Telemarketer (for the local symphony orchestra)
Delivery driver

Those all happened in between gigs as a musician, & a few of those occupations I've engaged in more than once. But a guitarist was what I was the most often & most consistently. It wasn't a job; it was a career. Not much of a career or a particularly lucrative one at its best, but a career nonetheless.

Now I am without it. It started off as taking an unexpected break from the music biz when my guitar was stolen. But it's turned into almost 6 years as being something other than a professional musician. At times this isn't so bad; the music business is truly fucked up. But I do miss the playing. I used to hit open jams every now & then to get my stage fix but lately I haven't even been doing that. Hell I haven't even touched my guitar in over 3 months.

I always told people I felt close to that it was a good thing I was working a lot in the music biz because when I wasn't gigging I was a real asshole. I thought I was kidding but it turns out there was some truth to that.

Playing isn't just a means of paying rent, it's an emotional release. I'm fairly stoic by nature. Not that I'm emotionless with everyone but I usual don't let folks in to how I feel unless I feel close to them or think it's important to do so. When I was playing I had my emotional release. I could let other people feel what I was feeling & that satisfied that need that most humans have, albeit not in the same way most humans have it.

When I'm not playing I don't have that release, so things build up internally. It's not that I reach some point where I explode with emotions so much as that I just don't know how to express some emotions any other way. So I internalize things that I'd have vented through playing & it makes me a little harder to deal with. Or understand. Or something.

But that's not the main reason I play (although it's an important one). I need a cause; something bigger than myself as it were. In my world there's nothing more important than a love interest (assuming things are reciprocal & a few other things fall into place). But during those times when I didn't have anyone to care about the playing filled that need in my life to have something other than my own desires to live for (even though playing was a desire of mine - I think I felt I gave as much or more than I got through it).

By the time I was with KS I wasn't gigging much. I handled things okay to some degree because she filled that need that playing did. Not perfectly but enough that not playing didn't bother me as much as it did when I was alone. But I think it had some effect on our relationship. I wasn't resenting her for my not gigging or anything, I just didn't have a vent for my emotions other than her, & with her I internalized a lot of things I shouldn't have.

Funny; she's seen me play about as much as any lady I've ever been involved with (some have only heard me play unplugged in my house for example) but I don't think she ever got me. Playing wise I mean. Granted I wasn't always playing in a situation where I could really do my thing when she was around, but I think she didn't really appreciate what I could do. I don't brag about my playing as I know too many folks who are better than me but I was & have the potential to be a hot little guitar player. Not just that I can do technically complex things (my "little Mikey-Vai" impression as one band called it) but I can be very soulful. I can make folks feel something when I play. One fellow told me at a gig that I reminded him a lot of Neal Schon (from Journey) not because of what I played, but the effect it had on him. He heard catchy melodies that conveyed something deeper than just a catchy melody & that was what I was trying to project so I felt that it was perhaps the best compliment I ever received from playing. Well, it ties with that one stripper who walked up to me in her tight little skirt & said that the way I played made her dick hard. But that's probably not an apples to apples comparison.

But KS never got that I don't think. VA never heard me play outside of our bedroom. JAG - I only played for her once & that was brief, again in my house & unplugged. where I really shine is with a band, with a decent vocalist doing a song I think has merit.

The tune "Rainy Night In Georgia" is a good example (here's Tony Joe White's version). I was doing it once with this doo-wop band & it came to the second verse. The verse has a line that says, "...the distant moaning of a train seems to pass a sad refrain through the night". The chords change from the root chord to the subdominant chord in between the words "train" & "seems" so I always throw in this bended interval which serves as an alteration of the subdominant chord as it resolves to the 11th & 6th of the subdominant. I lower the volume when I hit the bend & increase the volume as it resolves downward which gives it an effect which sounds almost like a train moaning in the distance.

The first time I did that little trick the guy singing the tune (who was an old veteran of the music biz) turned around kind of surprised & smiled at me for a few words of the verse. I ha d impressed him, partly because he didn't think a skinny little white kid with long hair who was barely old enough to drink could do something so tasteful in an old standard.

But that was an example of how I tried to highlight the song's meaning when I played. When I soloed it was more direct but I went with the same goal in mind - make folks feel what the song is supposed to make them feel. There are a few tunes where I'm better at this than others, but in general that was my philosophy when playing.

But now I'm not playing. I don't have that release nor do I have that part of my life to be proud about.

When I was with KS I started writing on my other site. That did something for me similar to music but in a different way; it gave me something to work for that I felt was bigger than myself but this time in an intellectual way rather than an emotional one. I got to show off my mind instead of my heart. & that's been a cool thing but it hasn't been as good for me as playing was. Not just that I've never made money at it but that intellectual venting was never that much of a problem for me. Emotional venting has been.

So where I am now is that I'm not playing at all, even at home. In part I'm doing this purposefully so I can deal with some emotions that I otherwise would just play away. I admit I understand more about my emotional side & how that works than I ever have before, but this kind of introspection is very draining.

For work I'm delivering fucking pizzas. It's not bad work as far as it goes but it grates me that I'm doing something requiring such little skill when I should be playing. I used to tell folks that the most important lesson I learned from working in the pizzeria when I was 13 was that you should never work in a pizzeria. It's hard to follow my own advice though.

Maybe one day I'll get off my ass & play again. Or maybe I'll go back to school (I've been toying with the gunsmithing program at this one school - it's a hobby of mine). For now I'm just working & trying to feel things without my favorite crutch.

Anytime?

It's a Brian Mcknight tune. I always liked Brian & partly because I have a pal that is gigging with him (but does he ever call me when Brian needs a guitar player? Hell no). Most folks don't recognize the title as the chorus is:

"Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
I miss you"

It's a sappy R&B ballad with some nice touches (especially the guitar work - minimal but tasty). & it's not hard to figure out what the song is about from the chorus. (I particularly like the last full chorus - the way McKnight comes in behind the beat with the 2nd line & accents "me".) Here's the tune set to clips from X-men.

Babygirl has to be thinking of me. If I'm correct she's hitting my other site 3,4 sometimes 5 times a week. & not at any specific time like it's part of her daily routine.

Before we fell out the last time she had told me that she wanted to always keep in touch even if I left the state because "you never know what will happen down the road". Maybe that's no longer applicable since our falling out but you know damn well it crosses my mind.

As far as I can tell she's using the site to keep some sort of bond with me while keeping her distance. She figures that getting in touch would bring drama or pain to our lives but she wants to stay connected in some way. After 3 months I can't imagine it's just her checking to see if I'm alright after our falling out, though that very well could be what she tells herself to justify her visits. & after 3 months I assume she's found someone to date so I doubt it's anything guilt induced on her part. I mean that she's not checking out my site because she feels bad about her role in our falling out.

She doesn't know that I know that she's visiting me. To be honest I'm not 100% certain it's her that's visiting, but I'm reasonably sure.

Perhaps she's checking to see if there's some excuse to break the ice? Or to see if I'm stable enough to break the ice with? Which would be tricky as I seldom talk about anything very personal on the other site. I write under a pseudonym & mainly discuss bigger issues. I mention tidbits about my life but nothing very identifiable or particularly telling, though I have found myself writing as if she was my only audience from time to time.

I have thought about telling her about this site, either directly or cryptically. I doubt I'd write her though so it'd have to be a cryptic mention on my other site in the hopes that she'd pick up on it. But I'm still unsure. I honestly don't know how she'd react to my writings here. It might make her understand me a little better, or it could serve to push her away & strengthen the wall we have up between us. eventually I'm sure I'll clue her in, but I'm not sure when - maybe after I've written some things that aren't about her so she won't think I'm obsessed or stuck in a dark place.

But she visits. She reads. So she has to be thinking of me. I do not see how she can detach my site from thoughts of me. With the frequency she visits I also assume that I do cross her mine when she's away from a computer. I don't know what would trigger it but I can see her thinking of me if some Prince comes on a radio or if she is exposed to something else that she might associate with me.

Of course this is all academic since she isn't getting in touch. As I said I would be surprised if she hasn't found someone else to date by now, possibly seriously. & I don't feel great about that. But that she still visits makes me think that there's a slight bit of hope for us reconciling. Perhaps not that much of a chance, but when you care for someone a slim chance is all you need to hang on to.

I have thought of checking out her MySpace page but so far I've resisted the temptation. I'd feel as if I was spying on her even though I have no problems with her checking out my other site. I think it's just my pride; if she wanted me to know about her life she'd tell me. Besides I don't think it'd be pleasant for me if I saw pics of her & her new b/f (assuming she does in fact have one by now). But I haven't checked up on her. I doubt I will unless she gets in touch. But her checking out my site is different somehow; I think because I want her in my life so her checking on me is fine, but since I don't think she wants me in hers I don't feel right about visiting her MySpace page. besides, even though I want her to be happy it's never the coolest thing to see how someone is getting on with their life after a falling out. Not that I want her to be miserable without me - not at all. But it's a little bit of a sting to me to think that she shrugged me off & is crusing on with her life like I was little more than a speed bump. Which I admit is a selfish part of me that I don't particularly care for, but it is a part of me. I internalize it though mainly because I have too much pride to tell somone that I feel hurt because they don't value me as much as I value them.

But I cross her mind. Of course I have no idea if it's in a good way or a bad way, or if thoughts of me will ever be so strong as to cause her to get in touch. But still it's some kind of comfort to me that she's trying to hold on to me, even if in a minimal & distant way. & that is because I do miss her.

I Don't Believe In Love

Queensryche. I used to really dig their stuff. I still do I just don't put them on the music engine as much as I used to. Here's the vid. Here are the lyrics. It's part of a concept album which tells a very tragic story. Without giving it all away a junkie becomes involved in a political revolutionary/terrorist type movement & is ordered to kill the woman he loves. He refuses to do so & tries to find her but when he does he discovers she's already been killed. The song is his expression of denial in the face of this tragedy. His world is darkened to an almost unbearable extent so he denies that love existed at all as he cannot deny that fact that his lover is dead.

I admit that at times it'd have been easier on me if love didn't exist at all, but I also think that my world would be considerably darker if that were the case. Before I delve into whether or not it's always a good or cool thing to have around I'm going to try to define it. I'm going to be working with a very simple definition of love. I make no pretenses on being 100% right or of this being an inclusive definition. I try to keep it simple so I can understand it (I am a guy after all).

Love in the romantic sense (as opposed to the platonic sense) is a mix of several things. It's a combination of primarily caring & attraction mixed in with some amount of respect &/or admiration. The combination of each element will vary to some degree though I have no idea how far & under which circumstances.

This is important; this is not to be confused with what most folks refer to as "being in love". That is a separate (although usually connected) experience. It is very possible to love someone but not be in love with them, or to fall in & out of love with them, yet still love them. In my experience loving someone is like an entrée whereas being in love with someone is like a dessert. It's very nice when both are present but if I had to choose I'd say a more solid & healthier relationship would only require 2 people loving each other.

To complicate things a bit more I don't believe that love is fleeting. Being in love can come & go but once you feel love for someone it's permanent. Circumstances have an effect & sometimes it can seem as if a person does not feel the love they once did for another person. It's still there but dormant to the point that pragmatically it does not seem to exist. Yet the right circumstances can allow it to come to the surface again.

Acceptance or acknowledgement or some faith that love will be received positively is essential in letting the emotion develop fully. If acceptance (for lack of a better word) does not seem likely the conscious or subconscious mind will put a halt to the further development of any feelings of love. Pragmatically it never develops or seems to grow but as I said before under the right circumstances it can surface again & even develop more than it did before. Love simply exists. It does not disappear once felt.

Have you ever ran into a former lover that you thought you didn't care for yet felt very strong emotions towards him or her? That would seem to confirm this part of the theory. Its happened to me & likely it's happened to you. The thing is the love was always there it just took certain circumstances to feel or acknowledge it again.

Speaking from personal experience I still love every woman I've ever loved. AS, JL, GAvO, JD, VA, KS, KZ, JA & JAG. I still have love for every one of them. However a few of them I don't consider to be decent people (namely AS & JL) & most of the rest of them I don't see any chance of a future with. Therefore while I can still feel love for each of them if I dwell on it I do not feel compelled to act or express that love. Under the right circumstances I would feel it just as strongly as I did when I was involved (or trying to be involved) with them, but those circumstances would have to create a situation that I believed would work.

I'd need some chance of acceptance in a manner that I would need. I’d need to have faith that it was not futile to put out emotionally (so to speak) in order for those feelings to rise to the surface.

The kicker is that even if I did feel love for any one of them full force I would be just as capable of not acting on it as I would be of acting on it. I would also be capable of suppressing whatever I felt to control the desire to act.

Love is not uncontrollable. You can feed it or starve it to some degree & sometimes without even trying. But love is not totally at your command either.

There may be more parts to the equation than the 4 I mentioned (caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance) but I have no idea what they are or if they'd be specific to an individual as opposed to universal. It's also entirely possible that those 4 things are just what I need to feel love for someone, but in my experiences with women (including my discussions of the matter both direct & indirect) my definition seems to be universal. Individuals vary a bit & different proportions seem to be necessary for different people & circumstances but if we limit the topic to generalities I think I'm mostly correct.

Love is controllable to some extent but denying it is always uncool in the long run even when you don’t wish to act upon it. One of the biggest wrongs I've done to myself & another was committed while I controlled my feelings of love for someone. It was not as simple a situation as I thought at the time & I thought everything moving towards a desirable end. But I suppressed my feelings because of the circumstances when I should have been more open with myself & the young lady involved. It's not that the situation would have necessarily turned out differently had I expressed my love for her, but it would have brought about a more natural chain of events than what transpired (though the outcome may have been the same).

4 things; caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance. If you feel those 4 things for a person then in my estimate that's the base form of love; the beginning of love if you will. It can certainly grow from those things & become much more than the sum of its parts but I think that's where it all starts. It can be suppressed & stagnate & seem to disappear through circumstance or your own will, but it's always there; waiting for the right circumstances to surface again.

The idea that love is so enduring may seem naive or idealistic but in my experience it's held up well as a theory. Of course I'm a bit of an idealist & a romantic so I could be biased.

As much as I like Queensryche I disagree with the song's premise (even though I understand it). I believe love exists & even though it's sometime difficult to deal with (not to mention painful as hell) it's worth it, especially when the person you love is worth it (whether or not it works out as you desired).

Selling The Drama

A tune by Live. I used to play a few of their tunes in this mainly R&B band. I say mainly because the thirst for gigs overtook any pretense of labeling. We did everything from serious jazz gigs to a weekly reggae gig. The jazz wasn't too much of a stretch but when we got the reggae gig (we were supposed to start in about 10 days) we busted ass learning as much Marley & Tosh as we could while reggae-fying old Marvin Gaye & Parliament tunes. In any case I've never been positive about what the song means, just that it seems to be about religion in some way. The title seems to lead me to think it's about the harm that religions can do on the mind of an individual but I could be very much mistaken. Here are the lyrics if you care to come to your own conclusions. Here's the vid to see how it comes together melodically.

I hate drama. What's odd is that I've done more than my share of work to create it in my life. Drama is unavoidable though (to some degree) because humans are social creatures & drama is a by-product of socialization. It's possible to minimize it but I don't think it's completely avoidable if you have any meaningful contact with other people. & that's a damn shame.

In any case I don't have too much drama in my own life at the moment, partly because my contact with others is at a minimum right now. Doing the hermit thing has its advantages. However there was some recently.

My ex-step-father sent me a letter in early January. Danny enclosed a money order for $50 & a hastily scribbled note about it being an x-mas present. Frankie used to send me $50 money orders for x-mas (when she'd not listen & send me something despite my wishes for her not to). She got the habit from Frank who would always give her $50 for x-mas. In fact last year while she was in the hospital (she got out on x-mas eve) she wrote a card that really fucked me up. Just that it was kind of sappy (coming from her) & she talked about Frank. Frank & her were really close - well as close as anyone in our family can be & it really tore her up when he died, so her talking about him was particularly emotional - at least as much as I've seen her get. & that she wrote it while laying up in a hospital kind of got to me.

In any case Danny sent me $50. So I cashed it & got a $50 money order & sent it back to him with a brief letter. I just said that I didn't wish him any harm but I didn't want him to contact me again. I didn't explain why figuring it'd be best to keep things simple.

Lisa called about a week later asking what I wrote to him. I told her & she then told me he had called her crying asking her what he'd done to me. She told him she didn't know but it was probably just my way of dealing with Frankie being gone. I talked with Maria a week or so later & she scolded me (in her own way - she told me my letter "wasn't very nice") about it.

I have always been a little quick to cut people out of my life. For some reason I always reasoned that my life wasn't going to be very long & I really didn't have time to waste with folks I didn't care for. (Conversely those I care about I would go to great lengths for if necessary, even after not speaking for considerable lengths of time). & Danny is an ass.

He's not one because he's mean, but more so because he's ignorant. The effect is the same but I never really hated him, I just didn't care to be around him. I got along with him okay though when Frankie was alive, especially the last few years of her life but that was for her more than anything.

Danny's done a few specific things over the years to me. He's made me feel unwelcome in his & Frankie's home; he snapped at me when she was dying reminding me tat she was his wife; he's ruined surprising by telling Frankie I was coming to see her, etc... & a few other more minor things. With Frankie being gone I just don't see any reason to waste my time dealing with him. & under those circumstances i really don't see it as being right for me to accept gifts from him.

Oh the other thing - Lisa called me a few months back & she was really upset. What upset her was Danny spending money left & right. I'm not talking a hundred here & there - he bought a $30,000 truck & was throwing hundreds around at some church auction to give some examples.

Frankie had cancer & went through two rounds of fighting it. I assumed that it had wiped them out. Danny used to tell me about the bills coming in & most were 5 digits with a few 6 digits ones landing in their mailbox. Cancer is expensive as hell.

But I assume that their insurance covered most of those bills & Frankie apparently had life insurance. I figured she had a pretty sizable 401k (she always worked hard - one of those things we all learned from Frank) but wrongly assumed that would go towards the left over medical bills.

I have no idea how much money Danny came into on Frankie's passing & I don't care too much to know. It doesn't bother me that he's never mentioned anything about giving me any of it - I'm not greedy or materialistic & despite my lack of wealth I prefer to make my way on my own.

What gets me is Lisa. Frankie raised her. What's more is that Lisa would often take off from work to take Frankie to the doctor or just be with her during chemo & other treatments. I was more a child of Jean & Frank's but Lisa was Frankie's. It gets to me that Danny hasn't mentioned a damn thing about giving her anything - not just money but anything that Frankie might have wanted her to have - pictures, jewelry, knick-knacks, books, etc...

So I threw a line in there about that in my letter to him.

Maria & I had talked about this a few days after Lisa called me being upset with Danny. Maria brushed it off by saying that Danny just wasn't ready to deal with settling Frankie's estate. My view is that if he wasn't ready to settle the estate he wouldn't be blowing cash.

But that's the family drama that I experienced in January. Nothing major or life altering, just mildly aggravating. Luckily though I think I'm out of that particular loop. I doubt Danny will get in touch again so the most I'll be effected is by listening to Lisa &/or Maria if anything concerning Danny comes up.

Still I do hate drama. It's time consuming & draining with little or no benefit to anyone concerned. That I have in the past contributed to drama is not something I'm proud of & I've always sought to avoid or minimize my role in such doings, but sometimes it cannot be helped.

Extraordinary Machine

Fionna Apple. An odd yet cute tune, which is typical for Fionna. Here's the vid.

I don't brag. Not that I'm modest I just don't see the point in it most of the time. But upon reflection I felt I needed to do something to counter the image I've likely been presenting so far. Ya see I view a lot of my posts of the last few months as whining. I'm not used to or very comfortable with expressing those kinds of emotions, & I tend to look at it as being wimpy in some way. But I've always been a very strong person. I've been through quite a bit in my life & have done some things that have been either uncommon or downright difficult. To give some examples:

I've chased armed robbers while unarmed
I've tended a dying man
I've rendered aid to someone seriously ill
I've backed up a buddy in a fight against superior numbers
I then kicked buddy's ass later cause he was in the wrong
I tried to stop a wedding for love's sake (though I failed)
I've pulled arms on a large number of armed men
I've been shot at
I've been seriously threatened with death at least twice
I’ve played a coliseum
I’ve declined sex with otherwise beautiful women because of an obligation
I’ve declined sex with a beautiful woman I loved because I felt it wouldn’t have been right for her under the circumstances
I've been homeless (in an effort to save cash for a kid that turned out not to be mine)
I've put out a few fires while getting singed in the process
I've driven all night to see someone before they died
I've worked almost 24 hours straight (22 & some-odd minutes)
I've stood up to a guy who I was no match for because he was in the wrong
I've lost the people who raised me at a fairly young age
I've had my heart broken a few times, in some cases very badly

Among the hardest things I've done - the most difficult or straining - is to tell someone I cared when I was unsure of their response. Or worse; when I knew the response would not be the same. I'd take any of the above that involved physical risk over that anytime.

But I've been through those things & quite a few others & survived. I won't say that I came through unscathed because in some cases there was real & lasting damage. But it hasn't stopped me yet.

Two things amaze me of late about human beings - their capacity for pain & their capacity for fooling themselves. I've been enduring a lot of the former & have realized how much of the latter I'm guilty of. As bad as the former is I'd rather have that than to have had the latter. Being unsure or misguided about my actions has caused me to make some errors that I should not have made.

But no; emotionally I'm a very strong person. My tolerance for pain is high which is a very good thing because my capacity for caring is very deep. Whether it's intentional or not caring always involves pain. It's really impossible to care about someone & not be hurt by their actions to some degree at some point. Whether it's through a misunderstanding or through you just having too high of an expectation (& subsequently being let down) or some other cause the ones you love will bring you pain. The more you care the more pain is possible. It sucks (& not in a good way) but that's just the way humans are.

So this post is to simply try to save some face I think I've lost by opening up my emotional side in the ways I have over the last few months. I don't have many folks to complain to off the internet & this has for good or ill become my source of venting. But don't let it lead you to believe that I'm fragile. I am sensitive, perhaps more sensitive than most folks realize, but so far life hasn't dished out anything I couldn't take, just a bunch of things I'd rather not have taken.

Confusing kindness with weakness is something I've always thought some folks I have cared about have been prone to do in my case. & perhaps they are right; after all caring is a weakness, as is love. But it's also a strength. Despite my efforts to make Spock look like a whiney 4 year old I do care very deeply for some things & for some people. By doing so I have given them the capability to hurt me; I’ve exposed my throat so to speak. That could be viewed as a weakness.

But it also takes strength to care, especially deeply. After a certain point in our lives we realize what caring entails & the risks we take by doing so. The deeper the caring the more risks but also the more fortitude that is required to embark down that path.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last few years is not to tell JAG I cared when I should have. Not that the outcome would have been different, but I feel I owed it to her to be that honest (though at the time I was having some trouble being honest with myself). That was cowardly on my part & I am ashamed of that. Nothing to be done about it now & I have since corrected that (albeit not in the best manner possible) but if I have been weak about anything in recent memory that would have been it.

As I said, I vent here & mostly I write when I feel less than stellar, so do not think of me as a wimpy old man crying about how horrible the universe has been. Everything that's happened has been at least partly if not mostly by my own hand. I take full responsibility for my actions & their consequences, both the intended ones & the unintended. Despite my whining about a girl I care for but lost I'm functioning. I may not be the happiest camper in the forest but I still have the potential to do great things. & perhaps one day I will again.

So take my whining with a grain of salt. I haven't typed anything insincerely but there's more to me than this.

VD

VD is coming up. Valentines Day that is. :) Of the holidays I give a damn about this one is the least important but it still gets to me when I'm without someone. What makes it worse is that it was Frankie's B-day. I used to feel real sorry for her because she'd never go out to eat on her b-day - she said the lines were always too long. I'd call her though & wish her a happy b-day, even on the years when she'd forget or neglect to call me on mine.

So this year will be strange as I won't be making a call I traditionally made. I Imagine I'll hear from Lisa & maybe Maria as they'll be not making their usual calls either.

& now that I think about thinks I've only taken one women out on Valentine's Day - GAvO . I’ve only dated two women on VD; that’d be JD & KS. Neither one cared that much for the day & asked me to not make a big deal of it, which was just as well because I was working anyway (in JD’s case I was out of town).. There were a few I would have taken out on VD, but things just didn't work out. JAG was unavailable last year & this year - that whole not being on speaking terms makes me think she'd decline any offers I made (were I to swallow my pride enough to make an offer). Besides, I assume that she's found someone to date by now, at least on a casual basis.

In other words this year VD will suck - & not in a good way.

Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry

From the Van Morrison tune Tupelo Honey. My favorite tune of his as a matter of fact. Here's the tune set to some slideshow about someone's family.Here's Van doing the tune live.

"You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry"

Remember all those fairy tales you heard as a kid about the knight on the shining steed rescuing the damsel in distress? Or the captain going down with his ship? Or the general leading the charge into the enemy's cannons? Or the guy putting his cape over the puddle for the lady to walk on? Just fairy tales right? Nope; I bought them hook, line & sinker.

It'd be no big deal but the world doesn't work that way. I doubt it ever did.

I'm loyal way beyond a fault. I can be trusted. Those would be bad enough but I have all these fucked up ideas about nobility tossing about in my head. Lost cause? Charging an overwhelmingly superior force? Diving on the grenade to save your buddies? Saying something snarky right before the armed gang tries to take your head off? I am sooo there. Those seem normal to me. Not normal in the "it happens every day' sense but normal as in "what else was the guy supposed to do?" sense.

Doing things above & beyond what most folks would reasonably do is the manifestation of all this. I've worked when I was injured, played when I was injured, went through a lot of hardships in order to accomplish some seemingly worthy task, or even unworthy tasks because it was what I viewed as my obligation to do so.

Most folks don't understand this. They view it as crazy in some ways. & perhaps they're right.

But I have all these foolish ideas about loyalty & faith & commitment & obligation & love rolling around my head. What makes it worse is that I try to put them into practice. I've never actually removed my cape to cover a puddle a lady is about to walk across but that's probably because I don't wear capes. Anymore. (They are soooo last year).

I've been called an idealist & a romantic & even an iconoclast. I can't say that those labels are unfitting. But they do become problematic. Principles mean something to me & while I won't say that I always do what I think is correct I do try to do what I think is correct. If it involves some matter of principle I'll try that much harder.

& love - my whole life I've viewed that as the most important thing in life. it's taken precedence over my career, my goals & even on occasion my desires. Not the abstract concept of caring deeply, but the practice of showing commitment & devotion to someone. I don't love half-assed. When I feel it I usually feel it rather deeply & if I don't try to fool myself I tend to put forth all the effort I can into that. Not that I act perfectly or make all the right choices, but I try. & by no means does that mean it always turns out well. But when it turns out badly it's not because I wasn't willing to put effort into something - it's usually because I just fuck up or the other person just fucks up.

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? If not I'd recommend watching it as it's a pretty good flick. But it also gives an understanding of the beliefs I have, or at least the level I'd go to in pursuing those beliefs. Storming a castle with only two other people on my side when I'm partially paralyzed to rescue a lady who might love me but whom I love? In the very unlikely event that situation ever arose I'd do the same thing 9albeit my tactics might alter a bit - I like to add my own flair).

But the world I live in doesn't seem to have those values that I do. Most folks view such ideals & values as naive & silly. So it isn't easy being an idealistic, romantic iconoclast in the 21rst century (if there ever was a time when it was cool to be so). The idea of a man's word being his bond is anachronistic. A contract is enforceable, but mere words & maybe a handshake? There are seldom any serious consequences for breaking such bonds. Word of mouth & reputation still have some value, but no enough to make such archaic practices that important. Don’t misunderstand; I'm not saying there aren't any folks that can be trusted when they say something, but that they're in the minority in my experiences.

So as a consequence of how I am & how the world works around me I withdraw to a certain degree. I don't trust folks as much as I know they could trust me. I don't make commitments or give my word that often. & I don't love that many people.

It's not so much pessimism about others as it is self-defense. I realize what I will do for those I care for or have bonds with so I try to make sure it's worth it - the trouble I could potentially be subjecting myself to for someone else's sake. Which brings me to the state I'm in now; I have few friends that I truly trust &/or feel I can rely on & a love that's so estranged & distant from me that I don't know if we'll ever talk again, let alone see each other in any meaningful way.

Despite the seeming loneliness of the situation it's the way I prefer things. If given the choice I'd have dozens or perhaps hundreds of friends & a love that was more tangible in my life. But that kind of world doesn't exist so I make choices based on how I know myself to work as well as how I know the world to work.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying that in practice my actions are the epitome of chivalrous or piety or nobility. It’s just that I try; that I believe in those things & attempt some action based on those concepts. It’s not that the results are always great. Hell sometimes they’re quite fucked up. But I try.

& it's all Van Morrison's fault. Or the folks who wrote The Princess Bride. Or who ever came up with all those fairy tales & told them to me as a kid. Or my grandparents for teaching me that such practices are the right way to conduct yourself in the world. But most of all it's mine for not growing up. Now where did I put my breastplate?

Picture

Kid Rock tune. He did it with Sheryl Crow (as can be seen here) & that's the one most people have heard but I stumbled onto this vid of him doing the tune with LeAnn Rhimes. I always dug the way she sung, & the way she aggravated a few female vocalists I knew who had to do some of her material.

"I've been living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun" something or other "in 3 damn days."

It's been a helluva lot longer than 3 damn days. 3 months since the b-day. I feel better than I did a month or two back but it still saps me sometimes; the lack of motivation mainly. Emotionally I'm pretty drained. It takes some effort for me to feel things as deeply as I do & I've been feeling a lot as of late.

Matter of fact it's been exactly 3 months (by the calendar) since I've heard from her, & that was a fairly cold note. Still I spent some time tonight driving around thinking about things - her part & my part & where each of us did things that were uncool. Same conclusion; we could repair the damage & possibly even have something very cool come out of it, but it's impossible if she's not willing to try. & not being in touch leads me to believe she's not willing. Still, she checks out my other site. After all this time it can't be because she wants to make sure I'm not suicidal or anything (not that I ever have been – just sayin’). The girl cares, but to what extent I do not know. It's all academic though if she won't act upon it.

I should just move the fuck on but I really don't want to. It'd be easy to revert back to my dog-like state, seducing as many women as I can (or trying to at least) - but what's the point? I did that for about a year & the whole fucking time I couldn't shake her from my mind. It'd be the same if I tried it now; I'd be with someone else to pass the time but I'd be desiring her. Not that I like being alone & lonely but it seems the only option because not just anyone will do this time around. I'm afraid I know too much about myself & how I tick now for the old tricks to work.

So I’ll live my life in a slow hell but skip the different girl every night part. The American Federation of Musicians will have my card if they find out about this. :)

Still, 3 months to the day since she sent that last e-mail. Took her maybe 10 minutes to write? If she'd have just put that much fucking effort into giving me a little compassion on my b-day things would have been different for both of us. Sad isn’t it? She could scrape together 10 minutes to tell me I was crazy & that she was done but she couldn't scrape together 10 minutes to wish me a happy b-day.

& if you're wondering why I'm still hanging on to someone who'd behave in such a way - well sometimes I do too. But then I think of how she thinks, & types; little phrases she's used. The way she looks when she's trying not to laugh at me, the way she kisses me when she's glad to see me. The way she did care. I just can’t fathom that she’s stopped doing the latter even if she’s not acting upon it.

Objectively I could say that there are thousands or tens of thousands like here around the area, but to me she is more than the sum of her parts & I'm afraid replacing her would be impossible. She's flawed & in some ways downright fucked up, but not so much that she's not still the most beautiful woman I know. & she doesn't look bad either. :)

The problem is that I love her. It’s complicated by my emotions not just being base – I care for her mind as much as for her body. Despite the circumstances I still know her to be a good person, one of the coolest I know. She dissed me pretty hard but I don’t think badly of her in general, just that her actions were cold & uncaring.

As bad as things have been the damage isn't irreparable - unless she doesn't want it to be. I'm just hoping in 3 months I won't be writing about her as I am now: as a lady I miss terribly.

Rambling Man

I feel odd. Not necessarily bad but not well either - just different than last weekend for instance.

There's a balance that's ideal for men. You don't want to be too emotional (read wimpy) yet you don't want to be too stoic (read asshole). I always thought in relationships I did a decent job of balancing those sides of myself. Sure; I'd lean one way or the other, never perfectly in the middle, but it'd be reasonably balanced. I don't think I've ever raised my voice let alone hand to a woman I was involved with but at the same time I never broke down & cried when something displeased me.

But maybe I've gotten it wrong. Maybe JAG wanted more stoicism than I showed her last time around?

It's sad that games are played in relationships, but I think part of that is subconscious & cannot be helped. For example if you try to get too close to someone they tend to back away. It doesn't matter that much if you realize what's going on because it's an emotional response that you can't help but feel.

So maybe with JAG I tried to get too close, or she thought I was trying to get too close. Which from my end seems not quite the way it happened, but from her perspective it very well could have been the way it occurred. & her perspective matters more than reality when it comes to her acting.

With KS I was gentle, but I was also pretty firm about some things. She saw that as me being controllable in some things & a complete ass about others.

I'll admit up front I'm not the easiest person to live with or sometimes even deal with, but I'm not a complete asshole or a raging wimp either. I can be emotional & sentimental - I have a romantic streak in me - but I'm also tough as hell. I've been through quite a lot & while phased by it I'm still functional. I've also been as protecting as I think I've needed to be. I've shown caring & the willingness to put effort into helping out my partner. Not just with the dishes or taking care of the kittens, but by talking & listening & being most willing to step in a situation for whatever it was worth.

I don’t know. Maybe JAG viewed me as not being strong enough to deal with her life the way she envisions it. She'd be wrong as hell but her perception governs her actions, just as my perception governs mine. Reality is something else entirely.

I feel odd though. Odd because I'm still dwelling on her; that I'm still trying to rationalize what happened; to understand her, etc. I know what's up. I also know there's nothing I can do about it; it's entirely up to her to contact me or not & after that it's up to her if she wants to work something out with me. The only decision I can make under the circumstances is to shut her out completely.

That makes me feel a bit more helpless than I like. Not being able to act in some way is the most frustrating thing in the world for me. But it's also how it is.

We're defaulting on not being in each other's lives right now. It may be permanent. I don't want to accept that because I do care for the girl deeply, but I'm not so much a fool that I don't see that as a possible & perhaps likely outcome.

So it's not like either of us have to put forth any effort into things; they're the way they are & will continue till one of us tries to change that. That "one of us" has to be her. Maybe it's prideful or something but I really got this thing about courting rejection &/or bugging people.

But like I said I feel odd. Maybe it's accepting that I'm alone or that she isn't going to call tonight for whatever reason. Or maybe I'm getting comfy with her not being in my life. I kind of doubt that because she was always a bright spot in my world. Not that my world was that dark to begin with but she made it a little brighter.

Most likely is that I'm just tired of feeling bad. Not that I feel all perky & cheerful just to feel different but there's only so much emotional exploring I can do before I'm too drained to carry on with things as is.

But I still care for her & think even now we could work things out. I don't think either one of us has done anything to eliminate the potential we had even though it'd require more effort now than it would have before to realize it. Then again maybe it'd be better next time around than it would have been last time? Who knows?

All I can say for certain is that I miss her - not what she was to me but her. It's pointless to wonder if she misses me too or if I ever cross her mind but ya know damn well I do. I wish I could turn it off but I know myself too well. For the rest of my life I'll miss her if she doesn't come back around, it's just that over time I'll get used to missing her.

Maybe that's the odd feeling - I'm beginning to get used to missing her?

Strippers

My buddy KP & his wife hired a dancer for their son's 18th b-day party a few weeks back. I was over there because we have some projects we're working on together in his garage. The young lady came in & hung out for a bit before they were ready for her downstairs. I talked to her & she seemed cool. She told me she was close to hanging up her g-strong - just a few more student loan payments to make.

I've been around dancers most of my life. It sort of went hand in hand with that musician thing. I never dated a practicing dancer but I've been friends with more than a few. They make good cash but I do feel a bit of pity for them as they see a very fucked up side of men which in my experience has altered their judgment of the rest of us. But some of the sweetest biggest hearted folks I ever hung out with were strippers.

Anyway they (KP & his wife) urged me to come down to see the look of surprise on the kid's face. So I wandered downstairs & watched for a minute or two. The lady was attractive - I noticed that when we were chatting up in the garage. The kid was surprised & his friends were acting like 18 year old boys do when they see a pretty dancer. & all that was cool.

But then she took off her shirt.

I've seen a few naked women in my life & I've never been shy. but she had a tattoo across her back. Not that I have anything against tats (I just never wanted one for myself) but it caused a flashback. JAG has a tat on her back. A fairly big one. & one on her neck, & arm, & stomach & on each calf.

So I went back upstairs & started working on the project again. It wasn't like I was going to go home with her even if I tried. I just didn't feel cool about seeing a pretty young lady with a tat on her back stripping for someone else. & I know it was because I kept thinking of JAG. KP asked me why I didn't stick around & I told him some bullshit so he wouldn’t take offense. I don't like whining to folks about stupid things I'm going through (this blog notwithstanding).

I really pick fucked up things to get sentimental about.

Harrington

It all starts when I'm 2 months old.

Frankie & Johnny had been having some problems & Frankie went to try to work things out with him. She left me with Jean & Frank & that's where I stayed. I asked her once why she didn't take me with her & she said that every time she tried I'd fight to stay with Jean & Frank. This was true, but not until I was a bit older - say 4 or 5. But that was all the answer I got from her. I asked Johnny once & he said he wanted to but every time he mentioned it Frankie just said, "no; he's fine with mama & daddy".

So my grandparents became my parents, which created a very odd family dynamic. I didn't really view Frankie & Maria as my mother an aunt - it was more like two older sisters. Well kinda. But it never really bothered me; Jean & Frank were great. They gave me all the love & security that anyone could need & I always reasoned that it worked out better for me & for them.

Of course this situation did create problems. Frankie & I had a very stoic relationship. She wasn't the most emotionally expressive person to begin with. When we'd talk she'd either be neutral or angry. So I picked up on that & did her one better - I was either neutral or a smart ass.

By the time I was 13 frank was starting to decline. So I ended up quitting school when I turned 16 in part to take care of him but also in part to pursue the music career I was starting. By the time I was 17 I was doing CNA type work on him - changing compression stockings, administering meds, cleaning him up, etc... I would carry him to Maria's car whenever he had a doctor's appointment. One of the last times I did this I was greatly worried that he wasn't going to come home. I told him I loved him like I had a few dozen times before that year & he looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes & said, "I love you too Michael". To this day it's the level of sincerity that I use to judge all others.

He died when I was 18. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed but they told me he went peacefully. He just stopped breathing. He didn't talk much to begin with & hadn't said anything for several hours that day when he asked Maria & Frankie if I had any good pants to wear to his funeral. They told him I did & that was the last he spoke. A few hours later he passed.

Jean went to live with Maria & she did okay for a while. But she started to decline when I was getting near 21. I tried to go there & tend to her as i did Frank but I don't think I did as much for her as I could or should have. She went into a nursing home that October & in November she passed.

Before she started getting too sick I took her to KFC one day. She loved their mashed potatoes. I talked with her & told her I was real sorry about all the arguing & fussing I had done with her as I was growing up. She just looked out the window & said, "I don't remember any of that". So from her in her last days I learned about forgiveness towards those you care for.

When she passed I was on my own. I started to feel the loss of the security they had provided for me. I didn't speak to anyone in the family for months after her funeral.

Frank & I were arguing once & he told me to stand over his grave & make sure he was buried. I forget the context - it very well could have been a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" type thing but I took it literally. Jean said something similar so with both of them I stood over their graves & made sure the dirt was poured on them. With Frank it was a pleasant day weather-wise. With Jean it was raining. I stayed for both of them because it was the last thing I felt I could do for them in this world - keeping a promise that probably wasn't meant to be kept in the first place.

Anyway I've been on my own ever since. I never went back to college after Jean passed, instead gigging as much as I could. Before too long I was doing it as a career. I did so until I moved halfway across the country, then I just stopped. Since then I've mainly been delivering pizzas for a living.

& I started writing. It doesn't pay a damn thing but I've spent a great deal of time writing, first in chat rooms (where I learned how to type) then in forums & finally on blogs.

& that's where I am today career wise. I'm delivering pizzas & writing on two blogs - one about a specific field & the other is this one, which is mainly my musing & whining about life. There's more to tell about me than what I've written so far but I'll save that for another post. This is just the background to give you an idea of where I come from - or more precisely how I became who I was & might still be.

Elton Was Right

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever.
Between you & me I can honestly say that things can only get better."

Ayup. Things can't get much worse. We're not speaking to each other at all. I've been avoiding Yahoo Messenger because it bugs me when I see her on & know we ain't going to IM each other. Hell I've been avoiding being at home when I think she's going to be online. If I get out of work at 11:30 p.m. I fuck around for a while then come home & turn on a movie till at least 1 or sometimes 2 a.m.

Today was 3 months since I've seen her. In a few days it'll be 3 months since we've communicated in real time. & in a few weeks it'll be 3 months since we've fallen out.

I checked out her MySpace page once in mid November but not since. I checked out her yahoo personals profile a few times but by early December I stopped hitting yahoo Personals at all. I tore down my page anyway. It got to me that she'd always come up in the top 5 of my searches. Usually as a "5 heart match". Not sure if it's ironic but it did sting a bit. I figure if she wants me to know about her life she'll call. If she doesn't - well I'm not a stalker, or a spy. Besides, no point in looking in on her. If she needed anything from me she'd be in touch wouldn't she? Or maybe her sister would actually get in touch in her stead if JAG's need was great. In any case I'm not up to reading about how cool her life is going w/o me in it. Petty maybe but we all have pettiness about us in some things. & it’s not that I don't wish her happiness, I just don't want to be a spectator if I'm not directly involved.

3 months & not a word from her. Maybe that's just the way life is, but I thought she & I had a deeper connection than that. Deep enough that if we did stop speaking it'd have been on better terms.

Something I dwell on more than I should is that I'm pretty sure she still checks out my site. My other site, the one where I'm anonymous & I don't talk about my personal life. & it's cool if she gets any enjoyment out of my scribbling but I do wonder why the hell she's hanging on to me that way. Does she actually care but just think things are too messed up to contact me at the moment? Does she feel guilty & just want to make sure I'm alive & pissed about politics? Or is she hoping to see some kind of sign from my site that she'll take as meaning it's cool to completely abandon me or to get back in touch again?

I could always ask her but A: that'd mean I'd have to approach her & B: that might make her stop dropping by.

The first is my pride. Yeah I know, goeth before a fall & all that. But man has to have some pride about his life doesn't he? Even if it's not especially a cool kind of pride, some is better than none right?

The second - as fucked up as I am I never wished harm on anyone I cared for despite their actions towards me. & even more than that I honestly want those I care for to be happy. If her reading my site brings her some kind of comfort or security or peace or happiness then I would not take that away from her.

Though I have noticed in some post over there I write as if she's my target (& perhaps sole) audience). The latter might not be too far from the truth; I get about 250 hits a day but a lot of those are search engine results leading folks to me. Any readers are better than no readers but that'd mean less than half of my traffic is deliberate. & of those that do come to me on purpose I have no idea how many are daily readers or weekly readers.

I'm just sure she hits me 4 or 5 times a week. Hell she even left a comment on another site I pointed to the other day. I recognized the way she typed, the way she phrased. Which is fucked up because that's part of why I care for her - her mind & the way she thinks. Not that she's not fine as hell – she is, but that wouldn't matter to me in her case.

So 3 months have gone by. Will it be 3 more? Or 3 more years? Or will she pull her head out of her ass only to find that I've passed on? It's not like odds are in favor of me reaching retirement age or anything. Maybe I tend to be dramatic about my own mortality but genetics & my habits are not in my favor.

In any case i am thinking of her, fondly & aggravatedly. We could have had so much fun since then, & maybe arrived at something cooler than we had. But her actions & my pride fucked that up. For the time being & perhaps eternally.

Still I'm thinking of her when I should be 2 or 3 flings distant by now. Out of all my faults, & there are many to choose from, she shouldn't ever think not caring or feeling some sort of devotion is one of them.

3 months really isn't that long, unless you miss someone deeply then it's an eternity. (yeah that was a bit dramatic but it flowed nicely as a phrase don't you think?) I'm hoping that it won't be another 3 months, or that in October of 2007 I'm able to send her an "anti-versary" e-mail like I did last July. But hoping won't accomplish much. She knows I'd like to talk & she knows I won't instigate contact. Her court, her decision, etc...

Things can only get better. Not that they will but from the ground the only direction left to go is up.

Work Related Bitching

I really don't like my job. It's not the job itself it's the bullshit involved.

I deliver pizzas. I've been doing it full time for the past 5 years or so. The work itself ain't bad as long as you don't have something else you could be doing. I do or did & it kind of gets to me at times.

The cooks play the radio too fucking loud. I keep cutting it down & they keep cutting it back up when I leave. When I'm trying to take an order it's a pain in the ass. But even when I'm not I really don't want to hear music.

I snapped at FB the other day - well not snapped but he's kind of introverted so that's how he took it. I turned the radio down & he asked why I did that so I said, "If I wanted to listen to music while I worked I'd be a fucking musician wouldn't I?" which I think sums up my discontent at the office.

But then again I haven't made any efforts since November to be a musician. Hell I haven't even picked up my guitar since November 4th. Not something I'm particularly proud of but I haven't felt the motivation. The phrase "what's the fucking point?" comes to mind every time I look at my axe.

Still it bugs me because while it being honest work it's not what I trained for or spent so many fucking years to be. I didn't miss Friday night dates to learn how to deliver fucking pizzas. Nor did I let relationships that may have been cool slide because I had to take some their fucking pie.

& when there's 3 fucking feet of snow on the ground & it's 10 damn degrees you'd think people would tip wouldn't you?

But it's aggravating. I still don't talk a work unless I have to. It's a shame because J (the driver) & I usually had some good chats, ditto for FB & I think they both think it's something against them. It's not but how do I tell them "I dig talking to you but right now I don't want to talk to anyone while I'm at this fucking place?” Well there's just telling them that but it's easier for me to just keep my mouth shut.

So I dislike my job but I'm not looking for anything else. I keep thinking of moving but I don't think I will. Not just yet anyway. No idea why. Maybe I'm hanging on to the idea that things will work out with JAG somehow? Not likely but possible. I think it's more that I lack motivation.

For a long time I did things for myself. But ever since my grandparents passed I wondered what would motivate me since I didn't have anyone to take care of. I started tending to them when I was 13. By the time I was 17 I was doing the work of a CNA with my grandfather. Anyway they passed & I had no one to care for in the physical sense. I got on with things though I admit it was a shaky start. But I had school then gigs & they kind of added a momentum. When I got out here & lost my axe I chilled. & I got used to that I guess.

Then came KS & I did take care of her in some ways. So when she bailed on me - actually I took care of her long after that - I was on my own again. & JAG - she didn't need me as much as KS did but that's what I thought was beautiful about "us". She wanted me around but wasn't co-dependent.

When she abandoned me I kind of kept going. I had Frankie to worry about I guess even though I couldn't do much for her directly.

In any case I don't have anyone to live for or care for. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't see the reason for putting forth any more effort than I have to if it's just going to be for my fucking self.

Call it some sort of external validation issue if you want, but I need someone that cares as a motivator. When I have that in my life or at least the potential for that I'm fine. Hell I can do great & wondrous things. But minus that - when I'm looking at growing fucking old all by me onesies then I just can't get fired up about things. Life kicks me & I stay down, perhaps take a nap.

& no; that's probably not the healthiest way to look at things but that is what I think I do. I'm a man & I handle things but why go through the hassle of moving when I can be alone & unsatisfied at work right here?

Maybe this will pass. I can't recall ever feeling quite this way before, though I recall shades of it here & there. Some stronger some weaker just never quite the same mix as I'm feeling now.

The bitch is that it's not cool for me to go out & just find someone to latch onto. I have t think that A: they care & B: they're worthy of my caring. Unfortunately right now JAG is the only candidate & - well things have been better between us.

So that's what aggravates me about work. The other stuff - well it's a bullshit job & I know it's a bullshit job & I'm used to dealing with that kind of bullshit. The little things & big things aren't a real hassle to deal with - just minor aggravations. It's why I'm still dealing with it that makes the job so dreaded at times.

There's a brightside though; only 28 more years & I can retire. :)

Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales

Well really it's just the one tale but it has multiple parts. I'll start with the most recent component:

I was going to go to an open jam on JAG's b-day. I had told her (albeit discreetly & cryptically & with no certainty that she got the message) that I'd be there & if she liked I'd play for her. It was a decent bar with a good band hosting the jam. It's mainly a blues jam but I grew up playing blues & it was probably going to be a cool thing. Besides I'd gotten them to do some light jazz before so if I got tired of I-IV-V's I could fall back on some Herbie Hancock or something. I got there around 10 p.m. & noticed they'd closed due to the weather. I was bummed not just because it was going to be the first time I played anything in a month & a half but because I might have been able to make JAG's b-day a little happier. That was probably the last kick while I was already on the ground but the story won't make sense until you know what went on before...

I had an audition on November 2nd. It was for a heavy old school dance band. Earth, Wind & Fire; Chaka; Prince; Kool & the Gang; etc. The cash was right & so was the calendar (it was full & I like to work as much as possible when I'm gigging). They sent me a list of about 50 tunes & without doing any practice at all I knew about 30 of them. This wasn't right up my alley; it was that little crook in the side wall of my alley. I'd been playing this stuff since some of it was top 40. & of all the styles I play this is one which I do really well at. If it's not my best then it's tied with whatever is. I played my first heavy dance band in 1989 & - well I'm getting off topic.

So they were impressed that I already knew enough tunes to get through an entire show from jump street (that's old school southern jive for "right off the bat"). The first tune we did was Kiss by Prince. This is one of the tunes I'm at my funkiest on. They were impressed. We went on to Smooth by Santana. i had taught a show band I was in how to play the damn song a few weeks after it came out - I even charted it out for them (including horn parts) so I was solid on that. The bass player kept leaning over my amp during the bridge. The second time around he looked up & grinned at the singer & said "this little scraggly motherfucker's got the right chords!". I knew I was in.

We did Brick House by the Commodores, Chameleon by Herbie Hancock & finished things up with Ain't Nobody by Chaka (a tune I do deeply dig - so much that I haven't listened to it again until tonight). I was doing a blend of the keyboard & guitar parts (since their board player couldn't make it) & again that impressed them. They dug the way I played & I didn't have any doubts that I had the gig.

I don't usually brag about things or even mention shit like that before it's solid - solid meaning I have a date on the calendar - but I called JAG on the 3rd to tell her about it cause I was psyched - she'd be seeing me really play soon & that meant something to me, almost as much as me getting to really play for anyone. I got her machine. I didn't mention anything about it in the message I left & she never called back so I can't say I jinxed myself on this one.

I went to see them play that night (the 3rd) & they were tight except their guitar player really didn't suit them. He was good but not style appropriate to what they were doing. Again I thought I was in. They said they'd holler at me when I left.

I waited a week & called them. I got the machine & haven't heard from them since.

That's the music biz. Musicians are the flightiest bunch of motherfuckers to ever feign an aptitude for business.

Since I've been out here I've had 3 gigs. All within a month back in 2003. All the other offers I've gotten the money hasn't been right. I'll take $90 per night but I like to see $100. They were talking $50 to $70. I can make more than that at entry level fast food. I didn't train as much as some fucking doctors do to make that kind of cash. So I don't play below scale.

I've done 1 benefit since I've been here. Back home I'd usually do 2 or 3 a year. One of the coolest I did was an elderly care facility where a guy who ran a band I was gigging in part time had his mother at. The other was another elderly care facility a friend from the open jams played once a week. The sincerity of their appreciation to hear live music was something I've never forgotten, & I've never been shy about doing charity work. I get more out of it than I do from most paying gigs.

But they ain't no charity in a bar. Not when a cover is being charged & whisky costs money. So if I don't get paid right I don't gig.

But the flightiness of musicians:

In 2000 I was playing with these guys - a showband doing old Beach tunes. They wanted me to play for free not just at some fucked up awards show but at a gig in a bar the night before. I registered my objections & they said if I didn't play I was gone. I swallowed my pride & played the gig. I had a bad as hell cold too, but I drove there (4 hour drive), got a room at my own fucking expense & made the gig (thanks to Theraflu tablets). They said not to sweat the awards thing cause it was lip synched anyway (another reason I didn't want to do the damn thing - I've never faked it in my whole fucking career). The sound man gave me a heads up that night that I was gone. A few days later I got a conference call from the owners of the band & I was out. This was in late November so no X-mas gigs for me. No notice outside of the sound guys discreet warning. I'd given at least two weeks notice with every band I've ever played with. Being fired outright with no notice fucked me up for a few months. I ended up leaving the state that spring but not as prepared financially as I would have liked. Sudden unemployment does that to you.

In March of 2000 I had a gig booked. Just a duo with this singer I had been working with, but it was for a fairly well connected agent. We do a decent job & he had an assload of work for us. I knew the hotel we were playing & things were looking up. The singer called me & told me he had car trouble & couldn't make it. I offered to send a cab for him but he declined. I suggested a few other solutions so he could make the gig but he just wanted to go home. I ended up not getting work in that town again for months because of having to cancel on such short notice, but I don't sing & truthfully was counting on the singer for a ride anyway.

In January of 2000 I was doing some theater work - mainly filling in for this guitarist who had another band. I showed up one night to do the gig & the band director met me outside, asked if I got their call & told me I was gone. I asked why & they said they double booked guitar players to fill in for the main guy. I talked my way into a $50 severance (that's after he pulled a fuckin' Glock on me which is another story all by its damn self – he could have at least used a real pistol) but the gig would have paid $100 as would the other half dozen gigs I had booked there. That was a blow.

In the fall of '99 I was putting together bands to play mainly short notice gigs at this bar. After about a month of being the resident guitarist they started to book me in advance. I had this tight little 4 piece blues thing booked one weekend. it was a long weekend as Halloween fell on that Sunday. Come Sunday the bar owner is there (I had been dealing with the bartender who managed the club) & she told me that they'd double booked & since we'd played two nights they were going to let the other guys play that night. The bartender was pissed because this effected her reputation & I was livid because I didn't see how the bar owner's mistake should effect our contract. In the end I talked her into paying me 3/4's of what we would have made & I paid the band what they would have made. Not a severe blow but I had counted on 3 nights of work & only got paid for 2 with rent coming up.

In the spring of '99 I was working a pool gig with this trio. Me, a phenomenal bass player, singer/sax player & a drum machine (I'm not proud of it but a pool gig is a pool gig). I spent hours getting the right patterns for the drum machine & I was controlling it for the first few weeks (until the bass player wanted to play with it). The singer/sax player was an alright guy as long as you weren't doing business with him. For some reason he didn't care for me. Anyway he was mediocre at best & his timing was always off. No biggie except he blamed me for it (& I checked with the bass player who was a better musician than I was & he agreed that my timing was solid; it was the singer/sax player's that was off). That was even cool until he told me he was going to knock my pay down from $90 a day to $75 till I fixed my timing problems. I told him I needed a two weeks notice before he touched my pay & he agreed so I immediately put in my two weeks notice. I wasn't going to play that far below scale for a fucking pool gig. But because of his being an ass (he gave an unsolicited bad recommendation of me to a band I was talking to a few weeks later) I didn't have a meaningful gig for the rest of the summer. I hadn't looked because I had something sown up & by the time I was looking at a two week notice everything had been taken except the one band that he talked into turning me down.

In early '99 I had the same house gig I had a few months before. Thing about house gigs is they're cool while they last but if you don't get a month's notice then you're out of work as most bars book at least a month in advance. We played Wednesday through Saturday. One Saturday the bar owner walked in & told us we were out & had to have our equipment out of the club by that Tuesday. We ended up not working for about 6 weeks.

In late '98 I was living with GAvO. I had a house gig 4 nights a week & things were alright. I got a phone call from a cruise ship band. They wanted me to do a few months with them. The cash was right & everything sounded cool. I should note that when they called the first question they asked me wasn't about how I played or how I worked. They said, "are you cute?". Of course I lied my ass off - hell yeah I'm cute. :)

Anyway the plan was GAvO would move into a one bedroom place & I'd store my stuff with her, hitting her couch a few weeks out of the year. I sold my car, gave notice with my band & was two weeks away from jumping a bus to Miami. The night I gave my notice they called & asked if I could sing Sinatra. I said nope. They said that they had a change in venue & didn't need a guitar player anymore but needed someone who could sing Sinatra & since I couldn't then the offer was withdrawn.

Needless to say that fucked me up in more ways than one. None of them pleasantly.

In early ‘98 I was playing with this guy mainly doing duo work. I knew the manager at a hotel where he was playing & talked them into expanding their Sunday budget so I could do the gig with him instead of him just doing a solo act. I knew what the cash was; he was getting $150 as a single. They gave him $300 to make it a double. At the end of he first gig I'm expecting $150. I got $100. He reasoned since he owned the PA he should get more. Turns out he'd been doing that to me with every fucking gig we played. A few weeks after that he gave me a two week notice that I was out, which was decent of him. It should have been expected but considering how other musicians are it was a cool thing amidst an uncool thing. But still it left me gigless for a while.

In '96 I was playing for this guy on salary. I was thinking of moving to L.A. to hang w/ my girl SD but wanted to save some cash before hitting Cali. Well things were going alright till July & August, when we lost two weeks of work to hurricanes & another couple of weeks the band leader told us that we "didn't make salary". Didn't make salary? I think the concept of salary escaped him but nevertheless we were out cash. About a month's pay in all & that was a hit that I couldn't just get over very quickly. Cali was out by that point anyway.

In ‘96 earlier in the year I'd busted my ass to get my passport. Why? The guys I was playing with had some connections & a mini-tour of Israel was planned. It fell through.

In ‘95 I drove 4 hours to audition at a resort. My whole band did actually. We thought we had things sown up & were getting ready to move. 2 weeks before we were supposed to start playing (& two weeks after we'd given notice where we lived, etc...) the band director called us over to his place. He was in tears cause he got a call early that morning saying the deal was off.

Again fucked up plans.

I could go on but it'd not be too different in direction than what I've laid out so far. Looking back I can't say the music biz has been great to me. I've had some really cool gigs & played some really nice places with some really hot bands & seen appreciation from my audience. & the traveling was cool (when it wasn't a curse). But I've been doing this bullshit since I was 15. I've played for people & ran my own bands. It takes some motivation to brave the bullshit that the music biz entails & after the last bit of professional rejection I just can't say I have that motivation. I might get it back one day but for now I'm - well I'm not cool with not playing, but I'm more than cool with not dealing with musicians.

Still I miss the playing so I know it'll just be a matter of time before I succumb to the temptation to give it another try. I don't know if that makes me admirably persistent or pitifully foolish. Maybe musicians have to be both? & maybe one day I'll be a musician again. Just not today.

Angel

Sarah Mclachlan. Here's the vid set to a slideshow about those fallen in battle.

I miss Frankie. On my b-day was about the only time I could expect her to call. She’d call randomly throughout the year but most of the time it was her getting Danny to call then once I was on the line she'd talk to me. But on my b-day she'd call direct.
That's another reason why I needed to hear from JAG on my b-day, but it seems she wasn't there for me.

You know I still miss my friggin' grandparents. It’s not an everyday thing but when they pass through my mind I feel the little "ache" that's left from the big ache I had right after they respectively passed. He's been gone almost 17 years & she's been gone just over 14.

This is why I don't have a cat of my own. When I care I tend to care deeply & when the loss hits it's - well you probably know. I get attached to cats. It’s not as bad as humans but it’s bad enough.

& I like cats damn it. KS's cats were probably my best pals for a long time. & JAG's cat - we never spent a whole lot of time together but I liked the furry little leg scratcher. When I saw JAG's cat for the first time in about a year & a half she comes running up to me meowing loud & rubbing on my shin. JAG told me she only does that when the cat is mad at her for being gone too long. At the time I thought it was cool & might just give JAG an intellectual reason to let me be in her life & her be in mine. Maybe I just do better with cats than people.

But Frankie - we were never really close. Not like a mother & son should be. That was as much my fault as hers I reckon. But still I knew the woman my whole life. Actually a little bit longer than that. I never looked to her for comfort or reassurance because she'd likely as not denied it if I'd have asked but there was a comfort in talking to her. Even when she was chewing me out over something she thought I'd done wrong. Or maybe that on reflection her absence makes me miss the arguments? I dunno.

My problems with JAG weren't due to Frankie's passing. But the way Frankie & I were when she was alive had something to do with it. Or more precisely the things I learned from Frankie effected how I dealt with JAG & everyone else before her. Not in such a way to directly cause anything to end, but enough to influence things for the worse at times.

JAG could have helped me through it though; not the directness of Frankie's passing, but the indirectness of the way Frankie & I lived. I just needed someone to care; to show it; to demonstrate that they weren't going to bail & they'd give me a little emotional support if I needed it. Maybe I'll write more about that later when I'm not so tired & bummed.

I hate missing people; especially ones I care for. The only bright side is with JAG there's still a chance at reconciliation. Not a great one but as long as she & I are alive then in theory we could talk about things. The rift Frankie & I had can't ever be repaired because she's gone.

I miss them both. For different reasons & in different ways but the basic sense of loss is still there. I'll get used to it over time but right now it hurts.

I'm going to go try to sleep it off, maybe at least dream about the people & felines I can't touch anymore, but who still touch me.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

I have 3 beers in my fridge. I don't drink beer. Never have.

I bought them on November 3rd. They're a Russian import called Baltica. I bought them for her for my b-day.

I screwed around a little that day. I went shooting which I hadn't done in forever, then drove around the mountains for a spell & headed back home. I stopped by Joe's Crab Shack & blew I forget how much on a to-go order. I bought enough for two.

I never ate it. The beers still sit in my fridge, as does the coffee I bought in September (I don’t' drink coffee either).

At 10 p.m. I opened the doors to air out the place. After freezing my ass off for 30 minutes I closed the house tight & cranked the heat way up. I lit candles & lamps & had the music engine on something chill.

I had invited her over & thought i stressed that it was real important to me. I'd talked with her before about how my b-day was something important to me. Since I never heard back from her I assumed we were on.

She had a clinical (she's a nursing student) & wouldn't be out till about 11:30p.m. By 12:30 a.m. I called her & left a brief message. By 1 a.m. I called again I left a slightly longer one that was a tad distraught. By 3 a.m. I was tore up.

She wrote the next day saying I expected too much from her & that she was only a friend & that she thought I was crazy for thinking she could have made it. She went on to list all the things she had going on (mostly school related) & how stressed she was & as an after thought mentioned that maybe she should have told me she didn't plan on coming.

I didn't reply. What the fuck could I say? It was obvious she didn't give a damn, even as a friend.

To be fair I wouldn't have been happy but if she'd have just fucking called to wish me a happy b-day I would have been in better shape. If she could have made it over for 15 minutes that's all I'd have needed. It wasn’t about getting laid - it was just about knowing someone I cared about cared fucking back - cared enough to put forth a little effort on my b-day.

Hell I went out of my way for her on hers & would have gone further - & she was dating someone else at the time.

If she couldn't have made it over she could have invited me over there. Again only 15 minutes or so would have been cool enough. & if for some fucked up unconceivable reason she couldn't have made it she could have at least called - not to tell me she wasn't coming but just to say, "hey - i can't make it & I know that disappoints you but I'm thinking fondly of you & want you to have fun. happy b-day & sometime next week I'll try to make some time to see you & we'll celebrate it then". It'd have taken all of 5 minutes to call & say that.

That's what fucked me up; the girl I thought cared acted like she didn't. It's still hard to imagine that she doesn't but what other conclusion can I come to, or at least act upon?

But I haven't acted upon it. I haven't slept with anyone but her since early August - when she came around again. I turned down 3 women from August till late October. That'd be cool & all but I haven't seen her since October 20th. I've turned down a couple since then. I tried getting back into the game & for about two weeks I was hitting the dating sites & going about my usual routine, but when I came close to meeting someone I backed off.

I just don't want anyone but her. It's not the way she looks or the way she fucks or any of that - it's just something about her. I love her mind; the way she thinks & talks & doesn't talk & types. The way she moves& the way she... you get the idea. Physically she's beautiful but she could gain 100 pounds & be disfigured & I'd still feel the same about her. & I don't know why - it's all out of proportion to the sum of her parts, but that's just the way it is.

Even after she dissed me on my b-day I still care for her & want to work things out somehow. Not that I see much hope in that, but I'm just not moving on yet. I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now but I'm just not motivated. About anything really. I work, come home & write a little & eat. That's about it. & I talk to myself a lot, but not too many real people hear my voice these days. At work they're used to it by now. If I speak it's because it's absolutely necessary. I admit it freaked them out at first but I think they either understand or don't let it bother them anymore as long as I do my job.

My fucking job. That's another rant.

But that's the event that caused me to stumble. A little girl disregarded me & now I'm disregarding myself.

I mean hell I lived with KS for years - dated her longer than all the other women in my life combined & she cared, but she never really loved me. With JAG I felt more caring slip from her than I'd felt from anyone in ages. I'd have bet money that she loved me on some basic level. She cared as a friend & was attracted to me. Mingled with some sort of respect or admiration & that's my simplest definition of love.

But if KS couldn't love me after years of knowing me, & JAG couldn't give a damn about me after us knowing each other so intimately, then who the fuck can?

I dunno. I know why I'm taking all this so hard & it has a lot to do with some baggage I didn’t realize I had but knowing why something happened isn’t much of a consolation if you can't act to correct things.

& ya know I never wanted anything more than for JAG & I to have a chance. I didn't think anything was set in stone or it was guaranteed to work, I just thought if we both tried it was worth seeing what happened. It hurts that I've lost her, not just cause I cared for her as a friend or lover or potential g/f, but because I cared for her.

& I have a whole week off of work to dwell on this like I know I will. I needed a vacation anyway but I still see it as wasted time - time she & I could spend having fun. I guess that's the downside of being a romantic. Or being sentimental. Or being semi-mental.

If you've made it this far through my whining you deserve a treat. Here's the Elton John vid. & yes; things can only get better, but that's no consolation for losing her like this. Or for losing myself.

Tunes

It's tricky to listen to music. When I'm doing a post I'll have the one song I'm focusing on playing over & over again. Other than that I've been avoiding tunes. At work I try to keep the radio turned down. In the car I had it on the "all Christmas all the time" station. For some reason the X-mas tunes were fairly harmless. But now the station has reverted back to its pre-X-mas format. At least I have the week off from work to get used to not having the X-mas station to rely on (I usually take the first week of January off whether I need to or not).

I love music. I'm constantly in & out of love with it but I love it. But I just can't deal with listening to it for some reason. Maybe it was always some sort of emotional crutch for me & I just don't want to lean on it right now. Or maybe I'm just getting grumpy in my old age.

There are a very few people out of a few million who don't dig music at all. An even smaller number gets some sort of discomfort from it. The rest of folks like it to some degree or another. I made my life of it for a very long time, so it's kind of ironic that now I'm denying that to myself.

I'll snap out of it at some point. I love music too much to abandon it forever. But for now the tunes are at a minimum around the house & car.