I talked with Maurice last week & he told me what happened to Mac.
Mac was 75. He had a blood pressure condition & he had Alzheimer's. One of his neighbors called Maurice because Mac's porch light had been on for a few days but the band's van was in his driveway. They found him dead.
What they think happened is that he simply forgot to take his blood pressure medication for a few days & had a heart attack.
It's a very pitiful ending for Mac. he was a good friend & a good teacher even when he wasn't trying to be. That's the hazard of growing old alone though. But Mac - well I imagine he just never wanted to be with anyone else after his wife passed.
Damn shame all the way around.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
But I Don't Feel Retarded
Before I get into it a disclaimer; I have a cousin with Downs Syndrome. Therefore I have always been very conservative about using the word "retarded". I don't hold others to my standards but I try not to use it lightly. Just sayin'.
I thought this was interesting; I'm not an alcoholic because I'm some kind of idiot savant. That's a possible implication of what my optometrist told me.
I went for an eye exam a few weeks ago to renew my scrips for my contacts. I figured it'd be routine since my scrip hasn't changed in the past 8 years or so. Well the doc said that I need stronger glasses & contacts.
When he told me this I mentioned surprise that my vision hadn't changed since I got glasses. So he asked how old I was when I got my vision corrected initially & I told him around 26. he then "hmmm"ed for a second & said, "you don't like to read much do you?" which I told him that I was an avid reader. more "hmmm"ing. He then asked if I did well in school. I told him my worst GPA was a 3.33. Again with the fucking "hmmm" thing with a more definite note of surprise. I asked why he was asking & he said that people with my vision problems, when not corrected usually don't do well academically & don't like reading.
He explained that a certain portion of a persons brain is devoted to absorbing information, then a certain portion to storing then a certain portion to analyzing. with my vision he said my brain would spend several times more energy just absorbing information visually, therefore it would have less room for storage & analysis. In short I burned up too much mental fuel to understand what i read.
"Vision problems such as yours are closely associated with learning disabilities. it's amazing that you overcame that."
"so doc, you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman???"
"I just find it very fascinating that you seem so knowledgeable about what we discussed earlier & that you enjoy reading."
"you are - you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman!"
He then patted me on the head & offered me a shiny thing which I found irresistible for a few minutes.
No really; he implied that I should be much less informed than I am simply because I shouldn't have had the mental capacity to read as much as I did. That I should have been a "C" student & a white collar worker (more or less) because of my eyesight.
Another interesting thing was that he said my vision problems kept me from being addicted to alcohol or drugs. he asked if I drank or did drugs & I told him occasionally on the former & never on the latter. He said that because it took so much mental effort for me to read & learn things visually that early on I developed a dislike of being out of control, & drugs & alcohol weren't conducive to being in control. In other words that because I was so used to being so focused I didn't get that much of a kick out of being drunk or high therefore I never got addicted.
"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor?????"
In any case I called a pal of mine a while later. She's a doctor who specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities. I told her what the optometrist said & she said it sounded plausible as she's seen similar things with some of her students. so i asked why the hell I liked to read when it was allegedly so difficult for me compared to other folks. She said it was because I was an over-achiever.
"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor & has a stubborn streak?????"
"Yep. Want a cookie or some Jello?"
For the record the last time my IQ was tested I landed in the lower 140's. I am not fuckin' Rainman. Damn it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my neighbor over to help me tie my shoes & feed me my Jello...
I thought this was interesting; I'm not an alcoholic because I'm some kind of idiot savant. That's a possible implication of what my optometrist told me.
I went for an eye exam a few weeks ago to renew my scrips for my contacts. I figured it'd be routine since my scrip hasn't changed in the past 8 years or so. Well the doc said that I need stronger glasses & contacts.
When he told me this I mentioned surprise that my vision hadn't changed since I got glasses. So he asked how old I was when I got my vision corrected initially & I told him around 26. he then "hmmm"ed for a second & said, "you don't like to read much do you?" which I told him that I was an avid reader. more "hmmm"ing. He then asked if I did well in school. I told him my worst GPA was a 3.33. Again with the fucking "hmmm" thing with a more definite note of surprise. I asked why he was asking & he said that people with my vision problems, when not corrected usually don't do well academically & don't like reading.
He explained that a certain portion of a persons brain is devoted to absorbing information, then a certain portion to storing then a certain portion to analyzing. with my vision he said my brain would spend several times more energy just absorbing information visually, therefore it would have less room for storage & analysis. In short I burned up too much mental fuel to understand what i read.
"Vision problems such as yours are closely associated with learning disabilities. it's amazing that you overcame that."
"so doc, you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman???"
"I just find it very fascinating that you seem so knowledgeable about what we discussed earlier & that you enjoy reading."
"you are - you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman!"
He then patted me on the head & offered me a shiny thing which I found irresistible for a few minutes.
No really; he implied that I should be much less informed than I am simply because I shouldn't have had the mental capacity to read as much as I did. That I should have been a "C" student & a white collar worker (more or less) because of my eyesight.
Another interesting thing was that he said my vision problems kept me from being addicted to alcohol or drugs. he asked if I drank or did drugs & I told him occasionally on the former & never on the latter. He said that because it took so much mental effort for me to read & learn things visually that early on I developed a dislike of being out of control, & drugs & alcohol weren't conducive to being in control. In other words that because I was so used to being so focused I didn't get that much of a kick out of being drunk or high therefore I never got addicted.
"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor?????"
In any case I called a pal of mine a while later. She's a doctor who specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities. I told her what the optometrist said & she said it sounded plausible as she's seen similar things with some of her students. so i asked why the hell I liked to read when it was allegedly so difficult for me compared to other folks. She said it was because I was an over-achiever.
"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor & has a stubborn streak?????"
"Yep. Want a cookie or some Jello?"
For the record the last time my IQ was tested I landed in the lower 140's. I am not fuckin' Rainman. Damn it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my neighbor over to help me tie my shoes & feed me my Jello...
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
The Meeting
I arrived at 10:45 as agreed upon. As I was halfway from my car to the door I saw her get out of her truck. It was peripheral but I knew it was her. Still I didn't turn around or let on that I knew she was there, instead walking in & making my way to the bar to see how she'd approach me (plus I was a little nervous). She caught up with me & gently tugged on my sleeve in a very shy way. We exchanged "hello's" (actually she said "hey" followed by an almost laugh that turned into a very adorable smile - which became her usual way of greeting me) & I asked what she wanted to drink. "Vodka & Sprite" was her answer, so I ordered one for her & a sprite sans ice for myself. She seemed a little surprised that I wasn't drinking so I explained to her that I seldom drank when I was driving.
Her hair was up which made her look younger than she was, but it wasn't difficult to see that her pictures had not done her justice (& I thought her pictures were nice). She was a skinny little thing but she had some muscle & some build to her & overall was very attractive even though she dressed modestly & it wasn't easy to discern. Still she looked young as hell which made me feel a little - I dunno - either guilty or out of my league. But looking at her face I quickly overcame any trepidations I had concerning our age difference. She truly was beautiful to me even then & her smile was too enchanting to describe.
It was karaoke night which was a surprise to me & not a welcome one. We sat at the bar & chatted for a while. Truthfully I only heard about 75% of what she said as the music was loud & she was very soft spoken. But I heard enough to conclude that she was cool. When she laughed it was an instantaneously satisfying sound, so I tried to keep her amused. I don't recall too many specifics but I did tease her about singing & we discussed our mutual dislike of karaoke. I also believe we discussed that she played harmonica, but I can't recall if that conversation started that night or later.
When I ordered another round of drinks she opted for a straight soda so I started to ponder if the evening wasn't as cool for her as it was for me. I'm not sure how long we were there - maybe an hour, perhaps a bit longer. It was before closing when I told her I was going to head back home - the karaoke was getting to me (truthfully it was that I could barely hear her that was getting to me as I was really interested in what she had to say). She seemed to be understanding. I walked her to her truck & we stood there semi-awkwardly for a few seconds. She then hugged me, which I thought was odd since she didn't seem the type to make a display of affection like that so soon after meeting someone. But I wasn't complaining as she gave good hug. I believe I kissed her neck very gently & very briefly as we hugged. We both said it was cool meeting & we should get together again. I almost asked her if she'd care to come back to my place, but didn't think she was the type to take me up on that so soon. Still, it was a tempting notion.
When I got home I e-mailed her & told her how cool she seemed & that it'd be nice to see her again. I also explained that I couldn't hear some of what she was saying because of the noise & I regretted that as I enjoyed talking with her.
It wasn't the most exciting first date I've ever had & perhaps not the most gratifying, but it showed me that she was very cool as a person as well as very attractive as a lady. & that she was in fact a lady. I wasn't sure if I'd see her again but I was hopeful. It wasn't "love at first sight" by any means, but I felt the attraction instantly & knew it could be something cool. In what way & to what degree I had no idea - certainly I didn't contemplate that it would turn into what it did. But I had a good feeling about her as a person & about she & I having some sort of undefined potential to be friends & possibly lovers & maybe something more.
I went back to the same bar a few nights later & the bartender (whom I knew decently) asked me about the date I had the other night & mentioned that the lady I was with seemed very nice. That was the first time & only time she ever commented on anyone I brought into the bar (& I brought more than a few dates there before & since). I took that as a very good sign as the bartender was very cool & seemed to have decent judgment. I had already came to the same conclusion but it was nice to have it affirmed by another woman as sometimes guys get blinded by things. In short I knew I'd like to see her again & was wondering if the feeling was really mutual.
Yeah; I know I'm getting sentimental again but I've always been that way around anniversaries, even when they're not able to be properly celebrated.
Anyway, that was 2 years ago as of last night & that's how I met JAG.
Her hair was up which made her look younger than she was, but it wasn't difficult to see that her pictures had not done her justice (& I thought her pictures were nice). She was a skinny little thing but she had some muscle & some build to her & overall was very attractive even though she dressed modestly & it wasn't easy to discern. Still she looked young as hell which made me feel a little - I dunno - either guilty or out of my league. But looking at her face I quickly overcame any trepidations I had concerning our age difference. She truly was beautiful to me even then & her smile was too enchanting to describe.
It was karaoke night which was a surprise to me & not a welcome one. We sat at the bar & chatted for a while. Truthfully I only heard about 75% of what she said as the music was loud & she was very soft spoken. But I heard enough to conclude that she was cool. When she laughed it was an instantaneously satisfying sound, so I tried to keep her amused. I don't recall too many specifics but I did tease her about singing & we discussed our mutual dislike of karaoke. I also believe we discussed that she played harmonica, but I can't recall if that conversation started that night or later.
When I ordered another round of drinks she opted for a straight soda so I started to ponder if the evening wasn't as cool for her as it was for me. I'm not sure how long we were there - maybe an hour, perhaps a bit longer. It was before closing when I told her I was going to head back home - the karaoke was getting to me (truthfully it was that I could barely hear her that was getting to me as I was really interested in what she had to say). She seemed to be understanding. I walked her to her truck & we stood there semi-awkwardly for a few seconds. She then hugged me, which I thought was odd since she didn't seem the type to make a display of affection like that so soon after meeting someone. But I wasn't complaining as she gave good hug. I believe I kissed her neck very gently & very briefly as we hugged. We both said it was cool meeting & we should get together again. I almost asked her if she'd care to come back to my place, but didn't think she was the type to take me up on that so soon. Still, it was a tempting notion.
When I got home I e-mailed her & told her how cool she seemed & that it'd be nice to see her again. I also explained that I couldn't hear some of what she was saying because of the noise & I regretted that as I enjoyed talking with her.
It wasn't the most exciting first date I've ever had & perhaps not the most gratifying, but it showed me that she was very cool as a person as well as very attractive as a lady. & that she was in fact a lady. I wasn't sure if I'd see her again but I was hopeful. It wasn't "love at first sight" by any means, but I felt the attraction instantly & knew it could be something cool. In what way & to what degree I had no idea - certainly I didn't contemplate that it would turn into what it did. But I had a good feeling about her as a person & about she & I having some sort of undefined potential to be friends & possibly lovers & maybe something more.
I went back to the same bar a few nights later & the bartender (whom I knew decently) asked me about the date I had the other night & mentioned that the lady I was with seemed very nice. That was the first time & only time she ever commented on anyone I brought into the bar (& I brought more than a few dates there before & since). I took that as a very good sign as the bartender was very cool & seemed to have decent judgment. I had already came to the same conclusion but it was nice to have it affirmed by another woman as sometimes guys get blinded by things. In short I knew I'd like to see her again & was wondering if the feeling was really mutual.
Yeah; I know I'm getting sentimental again but I've always been that way around anniversaries, even when they're not able to be properly celebrated.
Anyway, that was 2 years ago as of last night & that's how I met JAG.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Better With You
I joined a dating service a few weeks back. It's been mainly rejection as most dating services are but I had some success. In fact I slept with a very interesting lady the other night. She was the first person I slept with since JAG came back around. That marks 7 months that I hadn't slept with anyone but her. I hadn't had sex at all since October 20th. For me going 4 months without sex when I'm single is not common. I've never gone this long intentionally that I can recall.
But it was hollow. The lady was nice & everything & I didn't let on but I wasn't into it at all aside from the primal urge. She just wasn't JAG & I couldn't get that out of my head enough to really enjoy things. I kept dwelling on JAG & how much I preferred her in different ways. As I said the lady never caught on & she had a lot of fun. I was a musician after all & performing despite my emotional state is second nature to me. The show must go on & all that shit. So I think the "wow's" were genuine & she didn't realize I wasn't really into things.
Today marks exactly 2 years since I met JAG in the flesh. A little bar I used to frequent was the scene. There was bad karaoke (that was redundant wasn't it?) & I probably only heard 80% of what she said because the music (I'm being generous) was loud & she spoke softly, but I was intrigued by her. Not just her looks but her person. We met again a week later & that began us seeing each other.
But I haven't seen the girl in over 4 months. We haven't spoken in about 4 months. There's no real cause to celebrate. But I still care for her. It's to the point where I'm not really into anyone else. Oh I'll go through the motions & try to get past this, but she's not really replacable in my life. It'd make more sense to me if we were ever anything more than friends & lovers, but caring is not subject to being category appropriate.
2 years ago. Not a long time but it seems ages.
Better With You is by Abigail Zsiga. Here's her MySpace page with the tune on the player on the right side of the page. Not a bad tune in its own right, but it kinda sums things up, especially the lines:
"There's a voice in my head, & it comes when I'm sleeping
'Something this good cannot possibly be'
And the problem with trust is the problem with love
And the problem is probably me"
I'm good on my own & I'm good all alone
I've got all that I need and it's nothing that I own
I know what is right and I know what is true
I'm good that way but I'm better with you"
But it was hollow. The lady was nice & everything & I didn't let on but I wasn't into it at all aside from the primal urge. She just wasn't JAG & I couldn't get that out of my head enough to really enjoy things. I kept dwelling on JAG & how much I preferred her in different ways. As I said the lady never caught on & she had a lot of fun. I was a musician after all & performing despite my emotional state is second nature to me. The show must go on & all that shit. So I think the "wow's" were genuine & she didn't realize I wasn't really into things.
Today marks exactly 2 years since I met JAG in the flesh. A little bar I used to frequent was the scene. There was bad karaoke (that was redundant wasn't it?) & I probably only heard 80% of what she said because the music (I'm being generous) was loud & she spoke softly, but I was intrigued by her. Not just her looks but her person. We met again a week later & that began us seeing each other.
But I haven't seen the girl in over 4 months. We haven't spoken in about 4 months. There's no real cause to celebrate. But I still care for her. It's to the point where I'm not really into anyone else. Oh I'll go through the motions & try to get past this, but she's not really replacable in my life. It'd make more sense to me if we were ever anything more than friends & lovers, but caring is not subject to being category appropriate.
2 years ago. Not a long time but it seems ages.
Better With You is by Abigail Zsiga. Here's her MySpace page with the tune on the player on the right side of the page. Not a bad tune in its own right, but it kinda sums things up, especially the lines:
"There's a voice in my head, & it comes when I'm sleeping
'Something this good cannot possibly be'
And the problem with trust is the problem with love
And the problem is probably me"
I'm good on my own & I'm good all alone
I've got all that I need and it's nothing that I own
I know what is right and I know what is true
I'm good that way but I'm better with you"
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Almost a 2 Day Drive
I just got out of an eye exam where the doc told me I was fucking rain-man like when I got the call. Lisa left a message but I didn't check it; I saw her number on the phone & just called her. She told me Johnny was in the hospital. they took him in that afternoon because he was hurting in his lungs. Not chest pain but his lungs hurt. Plus his back hurt & he had a high fever. He wa sin about 5 days & they found bronchitis, asthma & emphysema. He played it off to Lisa as "light emphysema" but a medical professional she spoke with told her there was no such thing & Johnny was eat up with it.
So he's broken his promises to take it easy since he's been out. When you're self employed like he has been for the last 30 some odd years it's hard to chill out. I think he has stopped smoking but I'm not positive. I do know he only filled his prescription for his inhaler & didn't fuck with the ones for steroids & other meds on the advice of some good old boy doc he's been seeing about his blood pressure.
Truthfully I was relieved. When he was in the hospital with his symptoms I was thinking it was cancer. But it's not as far as anyone can tell. Course he wouldn't say a damn thing if it was. Can't blame him; neither would I.
I bought him some model ships. The USS Kitty Hawk, a Captain Kidd pirate ship & a p-51 Mustang that's supposed to really fly. He used to like doing stuff like that when I was a kid & he was in the Navy. In fact he was 2nd generation Navy. I doubt he'll like them too much but it might give him something to do around the house instead of busting his ass up & down the highway. course building models doesn't help with the mortgage so I know what his priority will be if he has to make a choice.
He gave up the Navy for me. He was coming on the end of his second hitch & more or less he had to decide between having a family with Frankie or being a sailor. He never told me that but I know him & Frankie well enough to read between the lines. He has told me he always kicked himself in the ass for not putting in his 20 years & retiring. Honestly in his place I'd have done the same thing; opted to try to keep my family together.
That's part of Johnny though that got passed on. He's done some fucked up things but at the same time he's also done some pretty noble self sacrificing type stuff. I always respected him for the latter & in a sense tried to emulate him. & he's a bit of a softy. I internalize it (except when I'm whining on here) but I am too. He still loves his first wife & I think as fucked up as their relationship was he still loved Frankie to some degree, just as I know he still loves his current wife despite things not being quite as cool as he wished.
He's okay for the moment but I'm worried about him. It hasn't been a year since I lost Frankie so maybe I'm just a little paranoid. But he's getting old. & he's always worked himself too hard (another semi-shared trait). But I can't do too much - just bug him with daily phone calls & have the car ready if I need to make a new land speed record.
So he's broken his promises to take it easy since he's been out. When you're self employed like he has been for the last 30 some odd years it's hard to chill out. I think he has stopped smoking but I'm not positive. I do know he only filled his prescription for his inhaler & didn't fuck with the ones for steroids & other meds on the advice of some good old boy doc he's been seeing about his blood pressure.
Truthfully I was relieved. When he was in the hospital with his symptoms I was thinking it was cancer. But it's not as far as anyone can tell. Course he wouldn't say a damn thing if it was. Can't blame him; neither would I.
I bought him some model ships. The USS Kitty Hawk, a Captain Kidd pirate ship & a p-51 Mustang that's supposed to really fly. He used to like doing stuff like that when I was a kid & he was in the Navy. In fact he was 2nd generation Navy. I doubt he'll like them too much but it might give him something to do around the house instead of busting his ass up & down the highway. course building models doesn't help with the mortgage so I know what his priority will be if he has to make a choice.
He gave up the Navy for me. He was coming on the end of his second hitch & more or less he had to decide between having a family with Frankie or being a sailor. He never told me that but I know him & Frankie well enough to read between the lines. He has told me he always kicked himself in the ass for not putting in his 20 years & retiring. Honestly in his place I'd have done the same thing; opted to try to keep my family together.
That's part of Johnny though that got passed on. He's done some fucked up things but at the same time he's also done some pretty noble self sacrificing type stuff. I always respected him for the latter & in a sense tried to emulate him. & he's a bit of a softy. I internalize it (except when I'm whining on here) but I am too. He still loves his first wife & I think as fucked up as their relationship was he still loved Frankie to some degree, just as I know he still loves his current wife despite things not being quite as cool as he wished.
He's okay for the moment but I'm worried about him. It hasn't been a year since I lost Frankie so maybe I'm just a little paranoid. But he's getting old. & he's always worked himself too hard (another semi-shared trait). But I can't do too much - just bug him with daily phone calls & have the car ready if I need to make a new land speed record.
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