Catching Up

I haven't bene posting much (as you may have noticed). Part of it is being busy as hell. I work 5 days a week & on my days off I usually work (albeit not for cash). When I do have time I'm just not that motivated. There are a few things that may be interesting to whomever ends up reading this, but not enough to get me off my ass to type it out. The gist is I have no life, just work. which really isn't that much different than I've ever lived.

I can get off my ass & go hiking, or camping or hitting the clubs, etc... if I have some reason to do so. But being on my own I just can't find a more compelling time consumption method than working - at something. What I mean is when I have a lady to take out I can hit the movies or the trail & most places in between. I can take trips & I can just fuck around the neighborhood. But when I'm on my own I work. Not so much for the cash (as I probably put in as much time outside my paying job as I do on it) but for purpose. I think.

But I'm going to change some things. I'm giving up my other blog & probably this one as well. See I realized that despite our estrangement I find that I'm still writing for JAG. I've diced it a few times in my head & I can't see how it's a good thing. Maintaining a (mostly) single issue website to entertain a lady that's not even speaking to me, let alone in my life cannot be healthy, let alone "sweet" in internet terms. Can it?

So I'm gonna "shrug" in the Randian sense of the word. Just give it up. Hell, she'd probably be pissed if I was checking her web page so I should be pissed that she's checking mine. But I'm not. In fact in makes me feel good to know that she thinks about me at least 4 or 5 times a week. which is why I have to give it up. Taking comfort in her taking comfort from seeing my page just isn't the best reason to keep the page up. I mean if we were actually talking or something maybe it'd be different. but i fear that I'm looking at things as if something in my writing will touch her & she'll want to reconcile.

I dunno. I just haven't felt like writing for a long time & I'm only doing it for her. & as I keep trying to convince myself that can't be a good reason to write.

Course many times I've thought i was doing the right thing & it turned out wrong & this may be one of those times. But at least I own my fuck ups. :)

Maybe I'll write again. who knows?

Unhelpful Questions

I had a delivery tonight to a lady who - well, we all know the type. She meant well I assume in her own way but it'd have been cooler if she'd have just kept quiet. As she was digging around for the money (cause no one ever has the money ready when they hear me knock) she glanced my way & asked, "Have you called your mother yet? It's Mother's Day ya know...".

At first I just stared at her, fighting the urge to tell her that it was none of her fucking business, but I realized she meant no harm (those that cause harm seldom do) so I quietly said, "She passed away". The lady murmured a real quick "I'm sorry" then didn't say too much for the rest of the transaction, which was mercifully quick.

Frankie died 362 days ago. We never had the best relationship but I do miss her. I hope Lisa got through today okay, as they were a bit closer.

Mac's Demise

I talked with Maurice last week & he told me what happened to Mac.

Mac was 75. He had a blood pressure condition & he had Alzheimer's. One of his neighbors called Maurice because Mac's porch light had been on for a few days but the band's van was in his driveway. They found him dead.

What they think happened is that he simply forgot to take his blood pressure medication for a few days & had a heart attack.

It's a very pitiful ending for Mac. he was a good friend & a good teacher even when he wasn't trying to be. That's the hazard of growing old alone though. But Mac - well I imagine he just never wanted to be with anyone else after his wife passed.

Damn shame all the way around.

But I Don't Feel Retarded

Before I get into it a disclaimer; I have a cousin with Downs Syndrome. Therefore I have always been very conservative about using the word "retarded". I don't hold others to my standards but I try not to use it lightly. Just sayin'.

I thought this was interesting; I'm not an alcoholic because I'm some kind of idiot savant. That's a possible implication of what my optometrist told me.

I went for an eye exam a few weeks ago to renew my scrips for my contacts. I figured it'd be routine since my scrip hasn't changed in the past 8 years or so. Well the doc said that I need stronger glasses & contacts.

When he told me this I mentioned surprise that my vision hadn't changed since I got glasses. So he asked how old I was when I got my vision corrected initially & I told him around 26. he then "hmmm"ed for a second & said, "you don't like to read much do you?" which I told him that I was an avid reader. more "hmmm"ing. He then asked if I did well in school. I told him my worst GPA was a 3.33. Again with the fucking "hmmm" thing with a more definite note of surprise. I asked why he was asking & he said that people with my vision problems, when not corrected usually don't do well academically & don't like reading.

He explained that a certain portion of a persons brain is devoted to absorbing information, then a certain portion to storing then a certain portion to analyzing. with my vision he said my brain would spend several times more energy just absorbing information visually, therefore it would have less room for storage & analysis. In short I burned up too much mental fuel to understand what i read.

"Vision problems such as yours are closely associated with learning disabilities. it's amazing that you overcame that."

"so doc, you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman???"

"I just find it very fascinating that you seem so knowledgeable about what we discussed earlier & that you enjoy reading."

"you are - you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman!"

He then patted me on the head & offered me a shiny thing which I found irresistible for a few minutes.

No really; he implied that I should be much less informed than I am simply because I shouldn't have had the mental capacity to read as much as I did. That I should have been a "C" student & a white collar worker (more or less) because of my eyesight.

Another interesting thing was that he said my vision problems kept me from being addicted to alcohol or drugs. he asked if I drank or did drugs & I told him occasionally on the former & never on the latter. He said that because it took so much mental effort for me to read & learn things visually that early on I developed a dislike of being out of control, & drugs & alcohol weren't conducive to being in control. In other words that because I was so used to being so focused I didn't get that much of a kick out of being drunk or high therefore I never got addicted.

"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor?????"

In any case I called a pal of mine a while later. She's a doctor who specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities. I told her what the optometrist said & she said it sounded plausible as she's seen similar things with some of her students. so i asked why the hell I liked to read when it was allegedly so difficult for me compared to other folks. She said it was because I was an over-achiever.

"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor & has a stubborn streak?????"

"Yep. Want a cookie or some Jello?"

For the record the last time my IQ was tested I landed in the lower 140's. I am not fuckin' Rainman. Damn it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my neighbor over to help me tie my shoes & feed me my Jello...

The Meeting

I arrived at 10:45 as agreed upon. As I was halfway from my car to the door I saw her get out of her truck. It was peripheral but I knew it was her. Still I didn't turn around or let on that I knew she was there, instead walking in & making my way to the bar to see how she'd approach me (plus I was a little nervous). She caught up with me & gently tugged on my sleeve in a very shy way. We exchanged "hello's" (actually she said "hey" followed by an almost laugh that turned into a very adorable smile - which became her usual way of greeting me) & I asked what she wanted to drink. "Vodka & Sprite" was her answer, so I ordered one for her & a sprite sans ice for myself. She seemed a little surprised that I wasn't drinking so I explained to her that I seldom drank when I was driving.

Her hair was up which made her look younger than she was, but it wasn't difficult to see that her pictures had not done her justice (& I thought her pictures were nice). She was a skinny little thing but she had some muscle & some build to her & overall was very attractive even though she dressed modestly & it wasn't easy to discern. Still she looked young as hell which made me feel a little - I dunno - either guilty or out of my league. But looking at her face I quickly overcame any trepidations I had concerning our age difference. She truly was beautiful to me even then & her smile was too enchanting to describe.

It was karaoke night which was a surprise to me & not a welcome one. We sat at the bar & chatted for a while. Truthfully I only heard about 75% of what she said as the music was loud & she was very soft spoken. But I heard enough to conclude that she was cool. When she laughed it was an instantaneously satisfying sound, so I tried to keep her amused. I don't recall too many specifics but I did tease her about singing & we discussed our mutual dislike of karaoke. I also believe we discussed that she played harmonica, but I can't recall if that conversation started that night or later.

When I ordered another round of drinks she opted for a straight soda so I started to ponder if the evening wasn't as cool for her as it was for me. I'm not sure how long we were there - maybe an hour, perhaps a bit longer. It was before closing when I told her I was going to head back home - the karaoke was getting to me (truthfully it was that I could barely hear her that was getting to me as I was really interested in what she had to say). She seemed to be understanding. I walked her to her truck & we stood there semi-awkwardly for a few seconds. She then hugged me, which I thought was odd since she didn't seem the type to make a display of affection like that so soon after meeting someone. But I wasn't complaining as she gave good hug. I believe I kissed her neck very gently & very briefly as we hugged. We both said it was cool meeting & we should get together again. I almost asked her if she'd care to come back to my place, but didn't think she was the type to take me up on that so soon. Still, it was a tempting notion.

When I got home I e-mailed her & told her how cool she seemed & that it'd be nice to see her again. I also explained that I couldn't hear some of what she was saying because of the noise & I regretted that as I enjoyed talking with her.

It wasn't the most exciting first date I've ever had & perhaps not the most gratifying, but it showed me that she was very cool as a person as well as very attractive as a lady. & that she was in fact a lady. I wasn't sure if I'd see her again but I was hopeful. It wasn't "love at first sight" by any means, but I felt the attraction instantly & knew it could be something cool. In what way & to what degree I had no idea - certainly I didn't contemplate that it would turn into what it did. But I had a good feeling about her as a person & about she & I having some sort of undefined potential to be friends & possibly lovers & maybe something more.

I went back to the same bar a few nights later & the bartender (whom I knew decently) asked me about the date I had the other night & mentioned that the lady I was with seemed very nice. That was the first time & only time she ever commented on anyone I brought into the bar (& I brought more than a few dates there before & since). I took that as a very good sign as the bartender was very cool & seemed to have decent judgment. I had already came to the same conclusion but it was nice to have it affirmed by another woman as sometimes guys get blinded by things. In short I knew I'd like to see her again & was wondering if the feeling was really mutual.

Yeah; I know I'm getting sentimental again but I've always been that way around anniversaries, even when they're not able to be properly celebrated.

Anyway, that was 2 years ago as of last night & that's how I met JAG.

Better With You

I joined a dating service a few weeks back. It's been mainly rejection as most dating services are but I had some success. In fact I slept with a very interesting lady the other night. She was the first person I slept with since JAG came back around. That marks 7 months that I hadn't slept with anyone but her. I hadn't had sex at all since October 20th. For me going 4 months without sex when I'm single is not common. I've never gone this long intentionally that I can recall.

But it was hollow. The lady was nice & everything & I didn't let on but I wasn't into it at all aside from the primal urge. She just wasn't JAG & I couldn't get that out of my head enough to really enjoy things. I kept dwelling on JAG & how much I preferred her in different ways. As I said the lady never caught on & she had a lot of fun. I was a musician after all & performing despite my emotional state is second nature to me. The show must go on & all that shit. So I think the "wow's" were genuine & she didn't realize I wasn't really into things.

Today marks exactly 2 years since I met JAG in the flesh. A little bar I used to frequent was the scene. There was bad karaoke (that was redundant wasn't it?) & I probably only heard 80% of what she said because the music (I'm being generous) was loud & she spoke softly, but I was intrigued by her. Not just her looks but her person. We met again a week later & that began us seeing each other.

But I haven't seen the girl in over 4 months. We haven't spoken in about 4 months. There's no real cause to celebrate. But I still care for her. It's to the point where I'm not really into anyone else. Oh I'll go through the motions & try to get past this, but she's not really replacable in my life. It'd make more sense to me if we were ever anything more than friends & lovers, but caring is not subject to being category appropriate.

2 years ago. Not a long time but it seems ages.

Better With You is by Abigail Zsiga. Here's her MySpace page with the tune on the player on the right side of the page. Not a bad tune in its own right, but it kinda sums things up, especially the lines:

"There's a voice in my head, & it comes when I'm sleeping
'Something this good cannot possibly be'
And the problem with trust is the problem with love
And the problem is probably me"

I'm good on my own & I'm good all alone
I've got all that I need and it's nothing that I own
I know what is right and I know what is true
I'm good that way but I'm better with you"

Almost a 2 Day Drive

I just got out of an eye exam where the doc told me I was fucking rain-man like when I got the call. Lisa left a message but I didn't check it; I saw her number on the phone & just called her. She told me Johnny was in the hospital. they took him in that afternoon because he was hurting in his lungs. Not chest pain but his lungs hurt. Plus his back hurt & he had a high fever. He wa sin about 5 days & they found bronchitis, asthma & emphysema. He played it off to Lisa as "light emphysema" but a medical professional she spoke with told her there was no such thing & Johnny was eat up with it.

So he's broken his promises to take it easy since he's been out. When you're self employed like he has been for the last 30 some odd years it's hard to chill out. I think he has stopped smoking but I'm not positive. I do know he only filled his prescription for his inhaler & didn't fuck with the ones for steroids & other meds on the advice of some good old boy doc he's been seeing about his blood pressure.

Truthfully I was relieved. When he was in the hospital with his symptoms I was thinking it was cancer. But it's not as far as anyone can tell. Course he wouldn't say a damn thing if it was. Can't blame him; neither would I.

I bought him some model ships. The USS Kitty Hawk, a Captain Kidd pirate ship & a p-51 Mustang that's supposed to really fly. He used to like doing stuff like that when I was a kid & he was in the Navy. In fact he was 2nd generation Navy. I doubt he'll like them too much but it might give him something to do around the house instead of busting his ass up & down the highway. course building models doesn't help with the mortgage so I know what his priority will be if he has to make a choice.

He gave up the Navy for me. He was coming on the end of his second hitch & more or less he had to decide between having a family with Frankie or being a sailor. He never told me that but I know him & Frankie well enough to read between the lines. He has told me he always kicked himself in the ass for not putting in his 20 years & retiring. Honestly in his place I'd have done the same thing; opted to try to keep my family together.

That's part of Johnny though that got passed on. He's done some fucked up things but at the same time he's also done some pretty noble self sacrificing type stuff. I always respected him for the latter & in a sense tried to emulate him. & he's a bit of a softy. I internalize it (except when I'm whining on here) but I am too. He still loves his first wife & I think as fucked up as their relationship was he still loved Frankie to some degree, just as I know he still loves his current wife despite things not being quite as cool as he wished.

He's okay for the moment but I'm worried about him. It hasn't been a year since I lost Frankie so maybe I'm just a little paranoid. But he's getting old. & he's always worked himself too hard (another semi-shared trait). But I can't do too much - just bug him with daily phone calls & have the car ready if I need to make a new land speed record.

I've Got Dreams To Remember

I like sleep. Sleep is my friend. But sometimes my friend is nowhere to be found.

4 months & a day ago I had a day similar to today. I remember it so well because it was the last time I hung out with JAG. The gist is I couldn't get to sleep & I inadvertently kept waking her up which led to her being a tad grumpy with me the next day. She had to know I didn't mean to keep her up, but the effect was the same regardless of my intent.

Anyway every now & then I'll go through this - at least this has been the case since sometime over the summer. I'll feel tired & go to sleep but a few hours later (if that long) I'll wake up & have a devil of a time getting back under the snooze engine. Today I crashed at close to 9 a.m. I was planning on getting up at 3 p.m. I woke at a little after 11 a.m. & have been trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep.

Not sure what woke me up - I was dreaming about a person in a hospital bed & this medical professional being there & there was some discussion of a belt. She (the med pro) went into a bathroom with playful hints at coming out with a belt on & - well I'm a bit fuzzy. Sometimes in my dreams I'll dream about a person & they won't be them but it'll be a representation of them. So I'm not sure who the med pro was or if she was just representing who I think the med pro could have been. Perhaps I'll never know as I came to before she emerged. & as Freudian as it sounds I'm not sure if the person in the hospital bed was Frankie or KS or some other lover.

In any event I'm awake & not happy about it.

Since the fall I've been going through a phase where one day every week or two I'll sleep the whole damn day. I mean crash at 8 or 9 in the morning & not wake up appreciably until 2 or 3 the next morning. Last time I did that it was a few months before I left the Carolinas. I'm still unsure as the reason since I never bought into that "catching up" on sleep notion. It might be tied to some form of depression I get when things aren't moving quick enough in my life. Not sure; all I know is that's a much more enjoyable problem to have than this one.

& Mac bothers me. I hate that he's gone. We didn't talk that often or anything but I really loved the old motherfucker. I remember for years we'd display out affection by using a cute phrase when we ended our conversations. That phrase was "oh, btw - go to hell". It was often a contest to see who would pull it first & everyone around us knew we were joking cause we'd bust out laughing upon successful completion of the ritual. But I don't like that he's gone. I rationalize that he's in a better place, maybe reunited with his wife & son at last after all these years, but I'm selfish enough to really miss hearing his voice.

I played for a few minutes before I tried to sleep. Just fucked around with Fogelberg's Leader of the Band. The tune reminds me of Mac, & to some degree my relationship with Mac. He wasn't a father figure so much, but he was a pseudo-teacher & maybe even a mentor to some extent in addition to being a friend. & he would kick my skinny ass if he knew that I didn't touch my instrument for over 3 months. He was adamant about practice even between gigs. so I didn't play for me today; I played for him. Not sure how long it'll be before I'm ready to play for myself again.

So 4 months since I've seen JAG & still haven't heard a damn thing from her. I'm getting very pessimistic that she will ever wish to speak to me again. Mac's gone - can't speak to him anymore despite any desires to do so on either of our parts. Frankie's gone even though she'd have only been 54 last week. & it seems KS & I aren't speaking to each other. I'm still willing to speak with her as I thought she & I were friends, but when someone keeps not returning my calls I tend to take the hint.

Yep, sleep would be nice right about now. Maybe it's that I dream of those I miss. & maybe that's why every now & then my mind won't let me sleep - to force me to deal with missing them instead of avoiding it? Or maybe its some change my body is going through. Or maybe it's something else I can't figure out. Whatever it is I wish it'd stop so I could dream a little more today.

Here's Otis Redding doing I've Got Dreams To Remember.

Stay

Calvin "Mac" McKinney. He was the band director for Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs. He also played keyboards & when pressed would double on saxophone (his main instrument). He died on December 21rst. Not sure of what; they found him dead in his home. I called him this morning to check in & see how he was doing & the phone was disconnected. I knew. But I called an old buddy of ours to confirm things & he gave me the scoop. He had been having some blood pressure problems & was avoiding going to the doctor as it would have been a waste of money in his opinion. I assume it was related to that but never got any further with the discussion than those details.

He was the world's oldest kid. He'd cut up & bullshit like a 20 year old with half a buzz. I'm not sure how old he was. He had to be in his 70's if not older but he'd never tell his age when asked. He'd always laugh & start talking about something else, like when I was gonna get married so we'd know the topic was closed. The traveling got to him but he joked that he was so used to it when he couldn't get to sleep in his bed he'd go out to the van & a few minutes laying across his bench seat would have him out like a light.

He was a helluva musician & a good teacher. He studied at Juliard with money he got from his G.I. bill. He was in the Army around the time of the Korean war but he never talked much about it, just that he made Expert with his rifle & missed the thing since he got out. He gigged all his life & the last few decades he was the band director for Maurice. But he was also my friend. He approached me once about a matter that would have caused him some embarrassment but he was too curious not to inquire about an aspect of it. I joked with him about telling the other Zodiacs but I still haven't discussed the details with anyone but him because I knew he'd have shown me that much respect had I been in his place & he in mine.

There is a story that he would tell & I cannot do it justice. But it involved a gig of his when he was younger down in Florida. To this day he's the only black man I've ever known to have played at a Klan rally. The agent was more than a little embarrassed, but the klansman while idiots for their beliefs about race weren't too stupid to recognize a decent musician so they let him play, & he was there to make cash so he played it, knowing full well he had a pistol in his bag just in case.

He got a degree from Juliard & back in the 60's & 70's he gigged with some big names. I'm not positive but I remember Thelonious Monk, Cannonball Aderly, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis & some others. I can't recall which ones he played with or which ones he just hung out with but he was moving in their circles for some time. He had talent.

Pee Wee got me into the Zodiacs. Pee Wee & I were roommates when on the road in this other band I was playing in for a while & we got to be good pals. He told Maurice & Mac I could handle the gig & I was hired unseen. Mac gave me a little hell at the first rehearsal (I was a skinny little white kid with long hair & nothing on my calender) but we started joking with each other & from then on became pretty tight as far as touring musicians go. When I wasn't in the Zodiacs (I played with them on & off for years) I'd call him & see how he was. When I left the state he'd always ask if I was still playing & sound relieved when I said I was. When KS & I went to the Carolinas back in '05 we stopped by Fort McKinney (the title I used for his place to tease him about his security obsession) & bullshitted with him for a while. That was the last time I saw him.

I called a few times - like every 4 or 5 months - since then to check up on him & give him shit for not going fishing. He always said he loved fishing but never got off his ass & went. Paperwork, taxes, etc... it was always something he had to do that kept him from hitting a lake. So while he gave me pep talks about playing no matter how bad the biz got for me I'd urge him to take a fucking day off & go fishing. the last few times i called though he was sounding more & more run down. His memory wasn't what it used to be; he told me on two separate occasions about an old pal of ours who had passed without remembering he'd told me last time we talked.

He had a rough life. Aside from the music thing he lost his son to a bullet then his wife to depression 6 months later. He's been alone ever since (& this happened long before I met him). In fact if I recall he was the last of his people; all his direct kin having died off some years back. He had been at the funeral of most of his musicians friends that were around his age & a good many funerals of players who were a bit younger.

Mac he was a cheap bastard. You could hear the eagle scream every time he palmed a quarter. We'd give him hell because he'd use any & every coupon he'd come across, but got pissed when we suggested he could have saved more by using a senior citizen discount (he was really tight lipped about his age). He liked Heineken but only would have 2 or 3 at the house because they were so damned expensive. Once some Zodiac was joking about what Mac would do if he won the lottery, & Mac just grinned & said, "Shit, I might have already won - ain't no way I'd tell a sorry-ass tuna smellin' motherfucker like you". But he was generous to a fault & one of the most kind folks I knew. He was a good friend & a great player.

He's gone now though. I cannot tell you how saddened I am at his passing nor can I sum up the man he was in a few dozen paragraphs. To put it the way I'd have told Mac if he were listening, I loved that old ugly ass shiny headed penny pinching geriatric no fishin' motherfucker. It takes something to keep me from working but I called in sick today; I just can't see working at anything other than a gig tonight after hearing of the passing of someone who was so supportive & damned insistent that I keep playing.

Here's Stay by Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs (set to some kind of animation).

Song And Emotion

A song by Tesla. A good song. & my bane. This isn't the best vid in the world (the sound quality ain't great0 but it's the best i could find.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about check out the lyrics:



"I see him there most ev'ry day,
A lonely man and his guitar.
In his eyes, I see the pain,
All the faces and the places,
All the trouble that he'd seen.

There was a time,
There was a day,
They'd come from miles around.
They all knew his name.
But day's gone by are gone,
Now only memories remain.

Then he starts to play.
Suddenly the pain slowly fades away.
Tattered, torn and frayed,
There's a place within his heart
He'll always save for the song and emotion..."

It's what every musician fears I think to some degree. Obscurity coupled with old age. Music is a rough life. It's rougher when you have nothing tangible to show for it as is the case for most musicians.

No musician wants to rest on his laurels. I sure as hell don't. But there's the question of opportunity. It's not like most other fields where you can apply for a job. for gigs you have to be in the right place at the right time & after you get a steady gig it's not just up to you but the other guys in the band as to whether y'all handle things in the long run.

I'm not talking about playing your guitar on the MTV. I mean making a decent career out of it - having a good rep with agents & promoters as well as a fan base. Making enough to set some aside every year after the fucking self employment taxes kick your ass by the quarter. Avoiding landing on the "go to rehab - take 6 months back off your career' square & so on.

If everything goes right you'll be playing well into your 60's or 70's in a medium sized city that you like with your wife & kids close by & just enough to retire on coupled with the weekly gig or two just to keep in practice.

If it goes wrong you end up being a lonely man with your guitar being sung about by a rock band named after a Serbian scientist from the 19th century. That is what I fear is likely for most of us & in ever increasing proportions it seems what is likely for me.

Of course I have some control over this fate & there are some things I could do to decrease the odds but a lot of it is simply circumstantial. The music biz still operates largely by word of mouth & success in it is only slightly over-simplified as being in the right place at the right time. I can beat the pavement all I can but if my timing is off then I'm going to miss out on the decent gigs. That's just the way it is. & I'm not the lone ranger; a lot of musicians go through slumps where they can't seem to land anything decent & prospects for their future look dim.

Persistence counts for something in the biz though & I can't say I have been as determined as I should be the last few years. Really, looking for gigs takes its toll on you, or at least it does me.

Excuses aside though I never had any great ambitions; I never thought of myself playing packed coliseums & not being able to shop for fear of being swamped by fans who recognized me. I just wanted to play & at the end of my gigs have folks think back & say something like "that skinny little white boy sure could play".

It's not all ego though; there's something about playing well for folks that's as emotionally & spiritually rewarding as almost anything I've ever experienced. When some non-musician tells me that I play well I take that to mean that I touched them rather than that they are just appreciative of my skills.

That's the sadness involved with the guitar player being sung about in Song & Emotion; he doesn't have the chance to play for people anymore. Sure; money & fame are nice as is not getting screwed over & left behind, but the thing that hurts any musician most is not having a venue or outlet to play for other people. We simply want to entertain folks, or touch them, or move them or leave them with a melody that reminds them of something pleasant or sad but in either case real to them.

I can't recall if I've mentioned it here or not but all musicians do is channel emotions. That's the whole purpose of music - to express emotions that are too complex or too subtle to be discussed. Any musician that can do that is as accomplished as he or she needs to be & any who can't is not competent. When you're old & destitute & not sure where your next meal is coming from it's not a good thing but it's worse when it's because you aren't playing; you aren't moving people & being financially compensated for it.

I come from an old school of thought about musicians & music. Maybe the musicians today aren't as phased by the idea of growing old & obscure as I am & those who taught me. But as I said I think every musician fears it to some degree or another. To combat it some teach, others record & those like me just try to play as much as possible to keep it from happening; to keep from living up to the fate of the old guitarist in the Tesla song.

Will it happen to me? Who knows. It's possible & I'm at a weird place in my life anyway which doesn't decrease the chances of it, but to some extent I can make a comeback & decrease the odds of it happening or at least forestall the moment when it hits me that my memories are more vivid than my reality in the world of music.

My Funny Valentine

I was thumbing through a notebook a little while ago & came across a letter I started to write to Frankie last March. Maria had called & told me to get out there because Frankie wasn't doing well & they didn't expect her to last for long. I couldn't make it. I had some work to do to the car & I didn't have the cash to make the trip. So I intended to write her a letter. I never finished it. I wrote another one & sent it to Lisa to read to her but Lisa never did. Frankie made it through March but not much past that. When I saw her I never told her the things I wrote. It's easier for me to write things than to speak them (as you might have noticed by the friggin' blog before you).

Anyway Frankie would have been 54 today. I wasn't that great of a son to her but I did always call on her b-day.

I felt bad for her in a way; she never went out to eat on her b-day. She said it was always too crowded at anyplace she wanted to eat at, & Franks' economically conservative (read: cheap) gene passed down to her (& me as well) so she couldn't see paying the cash for a dinner at a place requiring reservations.

I only recall eating out once on VD myself. It was with GAvO. That had to be back in 1991. Since then - well AS & I were off & on which usually meant off during mid-February. JD was a vegetarian so we never went out to eat anyway (plus she hated the "hallmark holiday"). KS wasn't into it either & she was absent most of the time anyway. Just looking it up she was out of the country during 2 Valentine's Days & we were broken up (though still seeing each other) for another one. The one we spent in the same country together I think we just went about our business.

Everyone else I've dated or been involved with in any way just wasn't around on VD. & usually it’s not that big of a deal; but every now & then I do miss trying to show my romantic side & VD is a perfect occasion for it, even if a bit cheesy & commercialized. Hell; can’t a brother have someone to send flowers to every now & then?

Last year & this year I would have gladly taken JAG out, but last year she was otherwise involved & this year it seems we're still not on speaking terms. I thought about sending her flowers or a card or something equally stupid but decided against it. She still hasn't retrieved the b-day presents I got for her so I figure we take things one holiday at a time while we're doing this whole in absentia thing. I have some pride; maybe not in the best manner but I'd hate to lose what little bit I have left.

From time to time it gets to me seeing couples. Hell I fucking deliver pizzas to guys in towels with a women's check being given to me all the time. It's not that I'm jealous because of the particular woman involved per se 9although a few have been stunning) it's that I see the togetherness. Okay I'll be honest - I see some fucking Neanderthal with the manners of an inbred goat & the IQ of a low flying anvil & right behind him there's a lady who looks otherwise engaging, intriguing & attractive. If these stupid fucks can convince some slightly to well above average lady that they're worth spending time with (& judging by the way they tip that's a helluva con job) then what the hell have I been doing wrong?

KS put up with me for close to 4 years - 2 of that shacking up with me. JD lasted a year 7 some months 9with about 10 months of co-habitation going on). Even VA lived with me for 2 months before screaming almost out of the blue that "great sex can't be the basis for a relationship!" (& I should have explored that thought train more deeply but I was too busy being a smart ass at the time). JAG lasted 4 months the first time around (albeit casually) & in a more abbreviated form 3 months the 2nd time.

Now I know I fuck up. I'm a guy; it's genetic & impossible for me to avoid (of course women fuck up just as much but no man is safe in saying that aloud). But how did I fuck up so badly with the women I have fucked up with, JAG especially & yet these "here's $45 & keep the change" (when the bill was $44.79) neocandescent motherfuckers seem to have secure stable relationships. I'm not talking about getting laid; I mean I deliver to some of these rejects from the gene pool a few times & month & it's always the same lady in the background.

Anyway I'm not that bitter about things. It just makes for a funnier rant when i approach things from the bitter angle (you have to admit you cracked a smile at "neocandescent motherfuckers" didn't ya?). But it does get to me. If I was single & had nothing in particular I wanted to have going on it wouldn't be so bad. But I have someone I think I'm compatible with (possibly more mutually compatible than I've ever experienced or observed) so it's a bummer to be alone. & yes; I know compatibility is mainly a component of "willing" which in a way makes it worse because I can't figure out why she wasn't willing.

But back to the point; it sucks to be alone, & not in a good way. Plus it's a little rougher this year because I won't be making a phone call I've been making annually for most of my life.

We never got along great but she was familiar. Hell she was my mother. Not a great mother to me but my mother nonetheless. I never sought comfort from her because she would have denied it. I rarely sought help or counsel because our relationship just wasn't like that. In fact I kept most of my life from her because it was easier on both of us that way - if she didn't know what I was doing. But I do miss talking to her; about whatever it was we talked about.

I used to call her on the way to a rifle match because they happened early in the morning & she was an early riser. It almost gave her hope that I would be normal one day because I was up & not about to go to bed. I haven't been to a match since she died. I kept letting other things get in the way but partly it was because I'd miss making that phone call while on the road.

Today I can't avoid not making the call. It'll just happen. Hell I erased her number from my phone a few weeks after she passed (I got tired of Danny calling from her cell & seeing my deceased mother's name flashing on my phone).

There aren't many folks I do it for but for the ones I care about I hate not calling them on their b-day. I didn't call KS last year on hers because we weren't really speaking - sort of a forced time-out on my part for my sake. JAG I didn't call because we weren't speaking. The year before I would have called her (in addition to offering to meet her & sending her cards & stuff) but she was otherwise engaged. Now Frankie I can't call because she won't answer the phone ever again. Now would be the perfect time to throw in something sappy about her maybe getting to eat out on her b-day but my concept of the after-life isn't worldly enough to justify it.

Luckily I have to work tonight. If I was off I'd have offered to work for Jim (he &his wife just hit the 20 year mark last week) but we'll both be working through it tonight. Not that it'll be busy - we should be pretty dead. But it'll give me something to do for a while instead of staring at the phone that won't ring for me & not dialing the numbers that won't ring for Frankie.

Chaka Kahn. My Funny Valentine. Babygirl singing that ass off.

The Last In Line

A Dio tune. Ronnie James Dio was the first concert I saw. I was around 15 & didn't really know him that well, so my boy CW & I bought some albums (those were big CD's made out of wax, ya whippersnappers) & listened to a few of his albums a few days before we went to the show. Last in Line was a cool tune, mainly for the guitar work in the beginning & the solo.

I am the last of my line. Johnny's brother Mickey (who passed a while back - cancer) had a daughter & that was Johnny's only brother. Johnny has 4 children. I'm one of them & the other 3 are my sisters.

Frank had 2 girls (Frankie & Maria) & his line died out. But not really; he passed on so much of himself to Frankie, Maria & me that it continues in a fashion, just not in a way recognizable to genealogists who are in a hurry.

But I'm it. If I don't sire offspring then a branch of the greater family will end. You'd think I'd feel pressure to spread my seed. I don't.

It's not that I don't care about that sort of thing; it's that i figured it'd be nice to find a gal who could maybe put up with me for 18 years or so without looking at SAW as a tutorial. Despite all my bitching & protestations I know I can be difficult to deal with & even harder to live with. But I always thought the ideal way to go about things would be to A: find a lady B: make sure the lady gives a damn/won't bail/ is a decent human being/is someone I can care for, etc... & C: see if having youngin's is the thing we want to do.

I'm really ambiguous about kids. If I become a father it'd be real cool, but it's not something I would spend night after night crying over if it didn't happen. Shame as I'd probably be a decent father; I'd at least care & be around & shit. But if it happens or not I'm cool with it.

Still part of me winces at the implications. I can't recall Johnny or Frankie or anyone except Jean & Frank even mentioning it. Hell I think they were just relieved that i wasn't gay (I would rarely talk about ladies i was dating let alone bring one home). Jean & Frank just threw casual mentions around when I was a teen-ager to the effect of "I just hope I live long enough to see your children boy, but I don't think the Good Lord will let me tarry", but nothing serious. So I guess it's just some kind of cultural thing.

the way things look I won't pass on my genes or most of my knowledge. i think the latter tends to bug me more than the former. It's probably why I started this blog (whining was only a partial consideration). My life has been rough in a lot of places & in a lot of ways, but I've also seen some wonderful things; learned some wonderful things; felt some wonderful things. Those things will likely die with me & that is what I think makes me sad about not being likely to be a dad.

Of course I still have time. Johnny was around 46 when Jennifer was born. Coincidentally Johnny’s wife is 17 years younger than he is, though I doubt I'll have it going on like he did. Hell, JAG was a big exception for me & she was only 9 years my junior. I just typically preferred women around my age or older - course that was before i hit my mid 30's, but still...

Anyway I still have plenty of time. Sort of. Mickey was in his late 40's or early 50's when he passed & I've lived a much harsher life than he did. Cancer is genetic & my family is eat up with it. So it's very likely that if my lifestyle or smart ass ways don't get me then cancer will. & there's as much a chance that it'll hit in my 40's as there is that it'll hit in my 50's. 15 years ain't that long a time when you're looking at something unpleasant at the end.

I know - it's morbid as hell but it really doesn't get to me. Maybe I'm just used to things being dark in my world but death is death. Not something to long for for most folks but it's just a part of life. I'm not tripping over my own mortality; I'm just looking at the likely path my life will take.

Funny how I started talking about birth & drifted quickly to death. I should say something deep about nature being cyclic but I'm just not feeling it.

Nice For My Damn Self

There's a young lady who works at the local Burger King. She's attractive & friendly & all, but A: she's got a few kids B: she & the father of said kids seem to be doing well together & C: she's not JAG. So I find her attractive but I have no intentions with her.

She's very nice to me though. Most of the time she'll not charge me for my fries. Not a huge deal but a nice enough gesture that I notice it. She also is friendly. Not in the "hope you come back to see us" kinda way, but she acts like we are friends to some degree. she's not always smiling & she'll tell me breifly what's going on in her world but she tries to smile for me even when she's feeling like hell.

Tonight I went through there like I usually do & she wasn't feeling good; sore throat, stuffed up sinuses, etc... So we chatted for a few about home cures & I got my food & split. A few hours later I pull back up there & hand her a bag containing some Theraflu tablets, Halls throat lozenges & a pint of Orange Juice. She's all touche dby it & I told her something that I don't think she believes but it was the truth. She told me I was "soooo sweet" & I told her I wasn't; I was very selfish.

I am. I didn't do that for her. While I like to think that her being nice to me for so long contributed to it I probably would have done it if she hadn't been generous witht he fires & ketchup packets.

I need someone to be nice to. With KS that need was fufilled. With JAG to a limited extent it was filled. When I had neither KS or JAG I had a girl at work (typically I'd get her coca-cola icees which she dug) to be nice to. Now I have no one to show my kinder sweeter minor-caliber side to, & I miss that.

So while she views it as a nice altruistic gesture I didn't get the meds for the nice lady who works at my local Burger King. I did it because I need to be nice or generous or outwardly show signs of caring about someone & she just happened to be a convenient object for that.

Well, & I was a musician so long that giving pretty women drugs is kind of habitual, but that's beside the point. :)

Truthfully if I didn't have this need I probably would have grabbed her the meds anyway because she has been kind to me & I generally try to return such gestures in kind, but my motivation was my own. Whether it produced an altruistic result or not doesn't matter so much to me. What matters is I know why I did it & it was more for my sake than hers. Though I do hope she benefits from it.

I did try to tell her but she mistook my honesty (albeit from an admittedly warped perspective) for humility. Which goes to show you can give a guy free fries for months & not really know him. :)

Funny though; she is part of my world. A big part actually. Not because we spend so much time together or that we have such meaningful exchanges, but because she's one of the few people I accept as being in my world. Most of the others are intruders in some way. so perhaps there was a bit of the "protect my own" mentality mixed in. After all one of the things I do that makes life trickier for myself than it should be is I try to take responsibility for everyone I consider to be in my world. Not that I nanny folks or anythng, just that I act for them if I'm able & think it's appropriate.

As I said though, on the outside it might appear to be just being nice, but my motivations, while benevolent, are selfish. the bright side is I've never thrown in anyone's face anything I've done for them (because I realized I was doing it as much for myself as them). The downside is this makes my world a little less magical I think.

Whatever the case I went an hour & $10 out of my way tonight for a lady I have no romantic interest in & whom I see for less than 30 minutes total each month. & I felt cool doing it. Maybe that just makes me a sucker? :)

The Slut

No; this isn't about me being angry with some former lover & questioning her morals. This is about me.

While "slut" is a term normally applied to women I can't find any more appropriate description of my history. I am capable of being monogamous & I've only cheated on 1 girl that I had an obligation with but in general I've been single & sleeping around.

A side note; the 1 girl I did cheat on - I was 15 & made out with another girl. I hadn't had sex with either of them by that point & in fact broke things off with both of them within a week of my indiscretion. I confessed to the girl I was obligated to & explained my indiscretion to the girl I had cheated on her with. I learned very early on that I have too guilty a conscience about that sort of thing & have not broken an obligation since.

When I was 16 I met a girl who worked in the office of a company I worked for part time. She was 6 years older than I was. We hit it off & within a month or so I was sleeping with her. In fact I lost my virginity with her. That'd have been cool & everything but she was married at the time. So ultimately things didn't work out.

The next girl I slept with I was 17 & that turned out to be a 1 night stand. She was a few years older & not looking for a relationship. A few months later I met JL & she & I started dating, but that ended disastrously & I took myself out of circulation for close to a year.

After that it was on. I didn't sleep with just anyone; there had to be a certain attraction & I was very selective in my tastes. I wasn't like many of my friends who were just trying to fuck anyone they could every night of the week. Nor was I like a few of my friends who were looking for someone to settle down with. I was trying to find beautiful women that had something else going for them besides their appearance & seduce them; not just physically but mentally & emotionally as well. Getting laid wasn't the goal. It was the means to the goal. That goal was having someone I cared for fall for me. Whether it turned into a multiple week fling or something long term & serious didn't matter.

I was in a few relationships, some on & off & some continuous but every time I found myself single I was either sleeping with someone on a semi-regular basis or looking for someone to sleep with on a semi-regular basis.

I won't delve into how many lovers I've had or could have had I'll just say that I've turned down more women (sometimes unintentionally) than I've been with, but probably not as many as I've struck out with.

Another thing that I should say; physically I'm not that attractive. An objective assessment is that I look somewhere between slightly below average & average. My success in the dating field never came because women's jaws dropped when I'd walk into a room. It always came through some aspect of my personality. Which aspect varied from lady to lady but I think most have just appreciated my confidence & directness. I'd not be shy about talking to them which gave me a leg up on the majority of guys in their world. In fact my friends loved having me along when they'd go out because I would walk up to a group of women & just start chatting them up. I broke the ice & sometimes that's all that was needed.

I have a few other things going in my favor that usually didn't become known until the ladies decided to get intimate with me. Perhaps the one the lady will see most readily is that I'm good at foreplay. More precisely I'm usually prettygood at figuring out what turns a particular lady one & using that to make her very excited. I'm capable of having quickies but prefer to take some time just making out & enjoying the excitement & anticipation that comes with foreplay.

Another things is size. All guys say they're larger than average. I never bragged about my size; in fact I have seldom mentioned it. But I am a bit larger than average. Average male length is somewhere around 6 inches long by 1.5 inches wide. I'm around 8 inches long & 2 inches wide. Most women found this a plus (although a few just couldn't handle the length & girth) & coupled with the way I fuck it seldom resulted in the lady only wanting to sleep with me once.

I also have found I have an ejaculatory dysfunction. It's called Delayed Ejaculation & it was only recently that I realized that the condition existed & that I had it & it was not normal. Basically it's a psychological thing that prevents me from having an orgasm the way most guys do. Most men cum within 5 minutes or so of penetration. It usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour or sometimes longer. & it seems the more attracted I am to the lady the longer it takes.

This comes from my desire to please the lady & is something akin to a reverse of performance anxiety. I just focus too much on being a good lover to relax enough to let the physical pleasure take its natural course. So where most guys take about 5 to 10 minutes I'm taking an hour or so.

It's been a problem before but not mentioned too much. I think the ladies just assumed they didn't turn me on enough to make me cum, which is close to the exact opposite of what was going on. But coupled with my size it has made things less than enjoyable on occasion.

Still with the women I've slept with who had a circle of friends I was accessible to this has generally worked out well for me. as I said my appearance isn't the stuff wet dreams are made of but when one of their girlfriends tells them I'm well hung & fucked them all night long it's made me a popular choice for a late night bootie call.

Getting laid was never easy, but it usually wasn’t that difficult. I had to put some effort into it but usually a month or two was the longest I went without a lover (though there have been exceptions to this).

But usually when I gave up hope on a relationship I was within weeks looking for a new lover or lovers. Typically it was just that: lovers. I never tried to have anything deeper & would cut the lady off when she pressed for something more than what I wished to give her. I wasn't afraid of commitment I just didn't want to commit to anyone when I had recently gotten out of something serious.

My pattern was this; I'd sleep around until I found someone I thought I could be serious with & then I'd commit to her. When it ended I'd take a few weeks or so to get my head together then immediately start looking for another lover. I'd do this for months or sometimes years until I found someone else I felt was worth the emotional risk of commitment.

& it was fun - well the sleeping around part. But I've always thought that a monogamous relationship was preferable. I just had very high standards when it came to those & I wasn't going to turn my nose up at the second best thing.

That's changed now. At least for the moment.

With JAG I met her with the intent of us just being lovers. I was still seeing KS & didn't want to get involved in anything. But over time I saw myself with JAG in a serious relationship. I fell for her more or less which was tricky because I still loved KS. When JAG bailed on me I was at a loss for a bit. I ended up seeing KA again for a few weeks but she moved out of state.

I started dating around again like I was used to doing. But this time things were different; I met a few girls I knew I could commit to but didn't. I told myself various reasons for this but the truth is that I couldn't stop thinking about JAG, even though she was in something else herself. That should have clued me in to what was going on with me but humans have a great capacity for fooling themselves & I’m a very good example of that.

When she came back around I cut everyone off. I stopped looking. I stopped fucking. In all fairness I had meant to cut off one lover by that time anyway as she was getting too attached & not pursuing her other options, but I didn't try to replace her. But to this day I haven't slept with anyone but JAG since she became single in the first days of August. I always thought she'd be shocked if she found that out because she viewed me (not wholly inaccurately) as a slut.

I went out on a few dates & messed around a little bit but I always stopped short of fucking. One lady I gave an orgasm to through foreplay & another got so far as to have my cock in her mouth for a few seconds, but each time I declined to fuck them (in the latter's case withdrawing myself from her mouth & telling her it was nice but it was going a bit farther than I wished). But the dates were just to pass the time as I couldn't see JAG on those nights.

What makes it worse is that at least then I was seeing JAG (albeit not that often) & had some hope of things progressing. Since JAG & I fell out I haven't fucked anyone or really tried to.

The first few weeks after our falling out I was trying to go through the motions. But the first lady that seemed likely to follow through with her flirting I canceled on. It was just some strange almost inexplicable feeling in my gut that had nothing to do with her & everything to do with JAG.

Since then I haven't even really tried. I'll flirt here & there but that's more habitual than a solid attempt at anything. & it's a bit annoying really because my sex drive hasn't diminished at all, but the selectivity I have is working against me. At the moment I don't wish to have anyone else other than JAG so I don't even look. I will admit though that there are a few women I could sleep with, but they are all ladies whom I already have feelings for & know them to have some feelings for me. Unfortunately the closest one is a 16 hour drive, but perhaps that's just as well.

Odd isn't it? That a self acknowledged slut will be faithful to someone in absentia. I joked around a bit that I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now, & typically that would be the case. Except when I was 2 or 3 flings past her I wasn't past her.

But seducing women, & not just women but beautiful women, & not just beautiful in their appearance - that's been the most engaged in hobby I've ever had. When it worked out it was certainly fun, but even when it didn't it usually was to some degree enjoyable.

All that being said I think what I'm going through now is some offshoot of the introspective period I think I'm in. Though the urge for sex hits me strongly from time to time I don't want to give in to it. At least not until I figure out what's going on with me. I'm not saying that I've declared a period of celibacy for X number of months or years; in fact I have no idea if tomorrow I'll wake up & start the search for lovers again. But I think I realize that my usual tricks won't help me get JAG off my mind & that it wouldn't be fair to pursue anyone else at the moment, for myself as much as for them.

That is my story though; a slut (albeit a very selective one) for most of my life being celibate because of my feelings for someone I'm estranged with. It's a shame, not because of the pleasure I'm not engaging in, but like playing guitar it's one of the things I think I'm most talented at. To some degree it bothers me not that I'm not getting laid, but that I'm not giving out pleasure to someone I care for through those means.

Workin' For A Living

Huey Lewis & the News. A cute little 80's pop tune. Here's a vid for ya.

My first job outside of working for my grandfather (as a clerk/stock boy/ad hoc security in his store) was at a pizzeria. I was 13. I haven't worked every day since then by any means, but I've busted my ass at some jobs & there have been a lot of jobs. In the past I've been a:

Dishwasher
Cook
Bus boy
Office cleaner/janitor
Landscaper
Painter
Well driller's assistant
Catering plant worker
Fast food restaurant prep worker
Plastic factory machine operator
Bakery packaging line worker
Cassette tape factory machine operator
Telemarketer (for the local symphony orchestra)
Delivery driver

Those all happened in between gigs as a musician, & a few of those occupations I've engaged in more than once. But a guitarist was what I was the most often & most consistently. It wasn't a job; it was a career. Not much of a career or a particularly lucrative one at its best, but a career nonetheless.

Now I am without it. It started off as taking an unexpected break from the music biz when my guitar was stolen. But it's turned into almost 6 years as being something other than a professional musician. At times this isn't so bad; the music business is truly fucked up. But I do miss the playing. I used to hit open jams every now & then to get my stage fix but lately I haven't even been doing that. Hell I haven't even touched my guitar in over 3 months.

I always told people I felt close to that it was a good thing I was working a lot in the music biz because when I wasn't gigging I was a real asshole. I thought I was kidding but it turns out there was some truth to that.

Playing isn't just a means of paying rent, it's an emotional release. I'm fairly stoic by nature. Not that I'm emotionless with everyone but I usual don't let folks in to how I feel unless I feel close to them or think it's important to do so. When I was playing I had my emotional release. I could let other people feel what I was feeling & that satisfied that need that most humans have, albeit not in the same way most humans have it.

When I'm not playing I don't have that release, so things build up internally. It's not that I reach some point where I explode with emotions so much as that I just don't know how to express some emotions any other way. So I internalize things that I'd have vented through playing & it makes me a little harder to deal with. Or understand. Or something.

But that's not the main reason I play (although it's an important one). I need a cause; something bigger than myself as it were. In my world there's nothing more important than a love interest (assuming things are reciprocal & a few other things fall into place). But during those times when I didn't have anyone to care about the playing filled that need in my life to have something other than my own desires to live for (even though playing was a desire of mine - I think I felt I gave as much or more than I got through it).

By the time I was with KS I wasn't gigging much. I handled things okay to some degree because she filled that need that playing did. Not perfectly but enough that not playing didn't bother me as much as it did when I was alone. But I think it had some effect on our relationship. I wasn't resenting her for my not gigging or anything, I just didn't have a vent for my emotions other than her, & with her I internalized a lot of things I shouldn't have.

Funny; she's seen me play about as much as any lady I've ever been involved with (some have only heard me play unplugged in my house for example) but I don't think she ever got me. Playing wise I mean. Granted I wasn't always playing in a situation where I could really do my thing when she was around, but I think she didn't really appreciate what I could do. I don't brag about my playing as I know too many folks who are better than me but I was & have the potential to be a hot little guitar player. Not just that I can do technically complex things (my "little Mikey-Vai" impression as one band called it) but I can be very soulful. I can make folks feel something when I play. One fellow told me at a gig that I reminded him a lot of Neal Schon (from Journey) not because of what I played, but the effect it had on him. He heard catchy melodies that conveyed something deeper than just a catchy melody & that was what I was trying to project so I felt that it was perhaps the best compliment I ever received from playing. Well, it ties with that one stripper who walked up to me in her tight little skirt & said that the way I played made her dick hard. But that's probably not an apples to apples comparison.

But KS never got that I don't think. VA never heard me play outside of our bedroom. JAG - I only played for her once & that was brief, again in my house & unplugged. where I really shine is with a band, with a decent vocalist doing a song I think has merit.

The tune "Rainy Night In Georgia" is a good example (here's Tony Joe White's version). I was doing it once with this doo-wop band & it came to the second verse. The verse has a line that says, "...the distant moaning of a train seems to pass a sad refrain through the night". The chords change from the root chord to the subdominant chord in between the words "train" & "seems" so I always throw in this bended interval which serves as an alteration of the subdominant chord as it resolves to the 11th & 6th of the subdominant. I lower the volume when I hit the bend & increase the volume as it resolves downward which gives it an effect which sounds almost like a train moaning in the distance.

The first time I did that little trick the guy singing the tune (who was an old veteran of the music biz) turned around kind of surprised & smiled at me for a few words of the verse. I ha d impressed him, partly because he didn't think a skinny little white kid with long hair who was barely old enough to drink could do something so tasteful in an old standard.

But that was an example of how I tried to highlight the song's meaning when I played. When I soloed it was more direct but I went with the same goal in mind - make folks feel what the song is supposed to make them feel. There are a few tunes where I'm better at this than others, but in general that was my philosophy when playing.

But now I'm not playing. I don't have that release nor do I have that part of my life to be proud about.

When I was with KS I started writing on my other site. That did something for me similar to music but in a different way; it gave me something to work for that I felt was bigger than myself but this time in an intellectual way rather than an emotional one. I got to show off my mind instead of my heart. & that's been a cool thing but it hasn't been as good for me as playing was. Not just that I've never made money at it but that intellectual venting was never that much of a problem for me. Emotional venting has been.

So where I am now is that I'm not playing at all, even at home. In part I'm doing this purposefully so I can deal with some emotions that I otherwise would just play away. I admit I understand more about my emotional side & how that works than I ever have before, but this kind of introspection is very draining.

For work I'm delivering fucking pizzas. It's not bad work as far as it goes but it grates me that I'm doing something requiring such little skill when I should be playing. I used to tell folks that the most important lesson I learned from working in the pizzeria when I was 13 was that you should never work in a pizzeria. It's hard to follow my own advice though.

Maybe one day I'll get off my ass & play again. Or maybe I'll go back to school (I've been toying with the gunsmithing program at this one school - it's a hobby of mine). For now I'm just working & trying to feel things without my favorite crutch.

Anytime?

It's a Brian Mcknight tune. I always liked Brian & partly because I have a pal that is gigging with him (but does he ever call me when Brian needs a guitar player? Hell no). Most folks don't recognize the title as the chorus is:

"Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
I miss you"

It's a sappy R&B ballad with some nice touches (especially the guitar work - minimal but tasty). & it's not hard to figure out what the song is about from the chorus. (I particularly like the last full chorus - the way McKnight comes in behind the beat with the 2nd line & accents "me".) Here's the tune set to clips from X-men.

Babygirl has to be thinking of me. If I'm correct she's hitting my other site 3,4 sometimes 5 times a week. & not at any specific time like it's part of her daily routine.

Before we fell out the last time she had told me that she wanted to always keep in touch even if I left the state because "you never know what will happen down the road". Maybe that's no longer applicable since our falling out but you know damn well it crosses my mind.

As far as I can tell she's using the site to keep some sort of bond with me while keeping her distance. She figures that getting in touch would bring drama or pain to our lives but she wants to stay connected in some way. After 3 months I can't imagine it's just her checking to see if I'm alright after our falling out, though that very well could be what she tells herself to justify her visits. & after 3 months I assume she's found someone to date so I doubt it's anything guilt induced on her part. I mean that she's not checking out my site because she feels bad about her role in our falling out.

She doesn't know that I know that she's visiting me. To be honest I'm not 100% certain it's her that's visiting, but I'm reasonably sure.

Perhaps she's checking to see if there's some excuse to break the ice? Or to see if I'm stable enough to break the ice with? Which would be tricky as I seldom talk about anything very personal on the other site. I write under a pseudonym & mainly discuss bigger issues. I mention tidbits about my life but nothing very identifiable or particularly telling, though I have found myself writing as if she was my only audience from time to time.

I have thought about telling her about this site, either directly or cryptically. I doubt I'd write her though so it'd have to be a cryptic mention on my other site in the hopes that she'd pick up on it. But I'm still unsure. I honestly don't know how she'd react to my writings here. It might make her understand me a little better, or it could serve to push her away & strengthen the wall we have up between us. eventually I'm sure I'll clue her in, but I'm not sure when - maybe after I've written some things that aren't about her so she won't think I'm obsessed or stuck in a dark place.

But she visits. She reads. So she has to be thinking of me. I do not see how she can detach my site from thoughts of me. With the frequency she visits I also assume that I do cross her mine when she's away from a computer. I don't know what would trigger it but I can see her thinking of me if some Prince comes on a radio or if she is exposed to something else that she might associate with me.

Of course this is all academic since she isn't getting in touch. As I said I would be surprised if she hasn't found someone else to date by now, possibly seriously. & I don't feel great about that. But that she still visits makes me think that there's a slight bit of hope for us reconciling. Perhaps not that much of a chance, but when you care for someone a slim chance is all you need to hang on to.

I have thought of checking out her MySpace page but so far I've resisted the temptation. I'd feel as if I was spying on her even though I have no problems with her checking out my other site. I think it's just my pride; if she wanted me to know about her life she'd tell me. Besides I don't think it'd be pleasant for me if I saw pics of her & her new b/f (assuming she does in fact have one by now). But I haven't checked up on her. I doubt I will unless she gets in touch. But her checking out my site is different somehow; I think because I want her in my life so her checking on me is fine, but since I don't think she wants me in hers I don't feel right about visiting her MySpace page. besides, even though I want her to be happy it's never the coolest thing to see how someone is getting on with their life after a falling out. Not that I want her to be miserable without me - not at all. But it's a little bit of a sting to me to think that she shrugged me off & is crusing on with her life like I was little more than a speed bump. Which I admit is a selfish part of me that I don't particularly care for, but it is a part of me. I internalize it though mainly because I have too much pride to tell somone that I feel hurt because they don't value me as much as I value them.

But I cross her mind. Of course I have no idea if it's in a good way or a bad way, or if thoughts of me will ever be so strong as to cause her to get in touch. But still it's some kind of comfort to me that she's trying to hold on to me, even if in a minimal & distant way. & that is because I do miss her.

I Don't Believe In Love

Queensryche. I used to really dig their stuff. I still do I just don't put them on the music engine as much as I used to. Here's the vid. Here are the lyrics. It's part of a concept album which tells a very tragic story. Without giving it all away a junkie becomes involved in a political revolutionary/terrorist type movement & is ordered to kill the woman he loves. He refuses to do so & tries to find her but when he does he discovers she's already been killed. The song is his expression of denial in the face of this tragedy. His world is darkened to an almost unbearable extent so he denies that love existed at all as he cannot deny that fact that his lover is dead.

I admit that at times it'd have been easier on me if love didn't exist at all, but I also think that my world would be considerably darker if that were the case. Before I delve into whether or not it's always a good or cool thing to have around I'm going to try to define it. I'm going to be working with a very simple definition of love. I make no pretenses on being 100% right or of this being an inclusive definition. I try to keep it simple so I can understand it (I am a guy after all).

Love in the romantic sense (as opposed to the platonic sense) is a mix of several things. It's a combination of primarily caring & attraction mixed in with some amount of respect &/or admiration. The combination of each element will vary to some degree though I have no idea how far & under which circumstances.

This is important; this is not to be confused with what most folks refer to as "being in love". That is a separate (although usually connected) experience. It is very possible to love someone but not be in love with them, or to fall in & out of love with them, yet still love them. In my experience loving someone is like an entrée whereas being in love with someone is like a dessert. It's very nice when both are present but if I had to choose I'd say a more solid & healthier relationship would only require 2 people loving each other.

To complicate things a bit more I don't believe that love is fleeting. Being in love can come & go but once you feel love for someone it's permanent. Circumstances have an effect & sometimes it can seem as if a person does not feel the love they once did for another person. It's still there but dormant to the point that pragmatically it does not seem to exist. Yet the right circumstances can allow it to come to the surface again.

Acceptance or acknowledgement or some faith that love will be received positively is essential in letting the emotion develop fully. If acceptance (for lack of a better word) does not seem likely the conscious or subconscious mind will put a halt to the further development of any feelings of love. Pragmatically it never develops or seems to grow but as I said before under the right circumstances it can surface again & even develop more than it did before. Love simply exists. It does not disappear once felt.

Have you ever ran into a former lover that you thought you didn't care for yet felt very strong emotions towards him or her? That would seem to confirm this part of the theory. Its happened to me & likely it's happened to you. The thing is the love was always there it just took certain circumstances to feel or acknowledge it again.

Speaking from personal experience I still love every woman I've ever loved. AS, JL, GAvO, JD, VA, KS, KZ, JA & JAG. I still have love for every one of them. However a few of them I don't consider to be decent people (namely AS & JL) & most of the rest of them I don't see any chance of a future with. Therefore while I can still feel love for each of them if I dwell on it I do not feel compelled to act or express that love. Under the right circumstances I would feel it just as strongly as I did when I was involved (or trying to be involved) with them, but those circumstances would have to create a situation that I believed would work.

I'd need some chance of acceptance in a manner that I would need. I’d need to have faith that it was not futile to put out emotionally (so to speak) in order for those feelings to rise to the surface.

The kicker is that even if I did feel love for any one of them full force I would be just as capable of not acting on it as I would be of acting on it. I would also be capable of suppressing whatever I felt to control the desire to act.

Love is not uncontrollable. You can feed it or starve it to some degree & sometimes without even trying. But love is not totally at your command either.

There may be more parts to the equation than the 4 I mentioned (caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance) but I have no idea what they are or if they'd be specific to an individual as opposed to universal. It's also entirely possible that those 4 things are just what I need to feel love for someone, but in my experiences with women (including my discussions of the matter both direct & indirect) my definition seems to be universal. Individuals vary a bit & different proportions seem to be necessary for different people & circumstances but if we limit the topic to generalities I think I'm mostly correct.

Love is controllable to some extent but denying it is always uncool in the long run even when you don’t wish to act upon it. One of the biggest wrongs I've done to myself & another was committed while I controlled my feelings of love for someone. It was not as simple a situation as I thought at the time & I thought everything moving towards a desirable end. But I suppressed my feelings because of the circumstances when I should have been more open with myself & the young lady involved. It's not that the situation would have necessarily turned out differently had I expressed my love for her, but it would have brought about a more natural chain of events than what transpired (though the outcome may have been the same).

4 things; caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance. If you feel those 4 things for a person then in my estimate that's the base form of love; the beginning of love if you will. It can certainly grow from those things & become much more than the sum of its parts but I think that's where it all starts. It can be suppressed & stagnate & seem to disappear through circumstance or your own will, but it's always there; waiting for the right circumstances to surface again.

The idea that love is so enduring may seem naive or idealistic but in my experience it's held up well as a theory. Of course I'm a bit of an idealist & a romantic so I could be biased.

As much as I like Queensryche I disagree with the song's premise (even though I understand it). I believe love exists & even though it's sometime difficult to deal with (not to mention painful as hell) it's worth it, especially when the person you love is worth it (whether or not it works out as you desired).

Selling The Drama

A tune by Live. I used to play a few of their tunes in this mainly R&B band. I say mainly because the thirst for gigs overtook any pretense of labeling. We did everything from serious jazz gigs to a weekly reggae gig. The jazz wasn't too much of a stretch but when we got the reggae gig (we were supposed to start in about 10 days) we busted ass learning as much Marley & Tosh as we could while reggae-fying old Marvin Gaye & Parliament tunes. In any case I've never been positive about what the song means, just that it seems to be about religion in some way. The title seems to lead me to think it's about the harm that religions can do on the mind of an individual but I could be very much mistaken. Here are the lyrics if you care to come to your own conclusions. Here's the vid to see how it comes together melodically.

I hate drama. What's odd is that I've done more than my share of work to create it in my life. Drama is unavoidable though (to some degree) because humans are social creatures & drama is a by-product of socialization. It's possible to minimize it but I don't think it's completely avoidable if you have any meaningful contact with other people. & that's a damn shame.

In any case I don't have too much drama in my own life at the moment, partly because my contact with others is at a minimum right now. Doing the hermit thing has its advantages. However there was some recently.

My ex-step-father sent me a letter in early January. Danny enclosed a money order for $50 & a hastily scribbled note about it being an x-mas present. Frankie used to send me $50 money orders for x-mas (when she'd not listen & send me something despite my wishes for her not to). She got the habit from Frank who would always give her $50 for x-mas. In fact last year while she was in the hospital (she got out on x-mas eve) she wrote a card that really fucked me up. Just that it was kind of sappy (coming from her) & she talked about Frank. Frank & her were really close - well as close as anyone in our family can be & it really tore her up when he died, so her talking about him was particularly emotional - at least as much as I've seen her get. & that she wrote it while laying up in a hospital kind of got to me.

In any case Danny sent me $50. So I cashed it & got a $50 money order & sent it back to him with a brief letter. I just said that I didn't wish him any harm but I didn't want him to contact me again. I didn't explain why figuring it'd be best to keep things simple.

Lisa called about a week later asking what I wrote to him. I told her & she then told me he had called her crying asking her what he'd done to me. She told him she didn't know but it was probably just my way of dealing with Frankie being gone. I talked with Maria a week or so later & she scolded me (in her own way - she told me my letter "wasn't very nice") about it.

I have always been a little quick to cut people out of my life. For some reason I always reasoned that my life wasn't going to be very long & I really didn't have time to waste with folks I didn't care for. (Conversely those I care about I would go to great lengths for if necessary, even after not speaking for considerable lengths of time). & Danny is an ass.

He's not one because he's mean, but more so because he's ignorant. The effect is the same but I never really hated him, I just didn't care to be around him. I got along with him okay though when Frankie was alive, especially the last few years of her life but that was for her more than anything.

Danny's done a few specific things over the years to me. He's made me feel unwelcome in his & Frankie's home; he snapped at me when she was dying reminding me tat she was his wife; he's ruined surprising by telling Frankie I was coming to see her, etc... & a few other more minor things. With Frankie being gone I just don't see any reason to waste my time dealing with him. & under those circumstances i really don't see it as being right for me to accept gifts from him.

Oh the other thing - Lisa called me a few months back & she was really upset. What upset her was Danny spending money left & right. I'm not talking a hundred here & there - he bought a $30,000 truck & was throwing hundreds around at some church auction to give some examples.

Frankie had cancer & went through two rounds of fighting it. I assumed that it had wiped them out. Danny used to tell me about the bills coming in & most were 5 digits with a few 6 digits ones landing in their mailbox. Cancer is expensive as hell.

But I assume that their insurance covered most of those bills & Frankie apparently had life insurance. I figured she had a pretty sizable 401k (she always worked hard - one of those things we all learned from Frank) but wrongly assumed that would go towards the left over medical bills.

I have no idea how much money Danny came into on Frankie's passing & I don't care too much to know. It doesn't bother me that he's never mentioned anything about giving me any of it - I'm not greedy or materialistic & despite my lack of wealth I prefer to make my way on my own.

What gets me is Lisa. Frankie raised her. What's more is that Lisa would often take off from work to take Frankie to the doctor or just be with her during chemo & other treatments. I was more a child of Jean & Frank's but Lisa was Frankie's. It gets to me that Danny hasn't mentioned a damn thing about giving her anything - not just money but anything that Frankie might have wanted her to have - pictures, jewelry, knick-knacks, books, etc...

So I threw a line in there about that in my letter to him.

Maria & I had talked about this a few days after Lisa called me being upset with Danny. Maria brushed it off by saying that Danny just wasn't ready to deal with settling Frankie's estate. My view is that if he wasn't ready to settle the estate he wouldn't be blowing cash.

But that's the family drama that I experienced in January. Nothing major or life altering, just mildly aggravating. Luckily though I think I'm out of that particular loop. I doubt Danny will get in touch again so the most I'll be effected is by listening to Lisa &/or Maria if anything concerning Danny comes up.

Still I do hate drama. It's time consuming & draining with little or no benefit to anyone concerned. That I have in the past contributed to drama is not something I'm proud of & I've always sought to avoid or minimize my role in such doings, but sometimes it cannot be helped.

Extraordinary Machine

Fionna Apple. An odd yet cute tune, which is typical for Fionna. Here's the vid.

I don't brag. Not that I'm modest I just don't see the point in it most of the time. But upon reflection I felt I needed to do something to counter the image I've likely been presenting so far. Ya see I view a lot of my posts of the last few months as whining. I'm not used to or very comfortable with expressing those kinds of emotions, & I tend to look at it as being wimpy in some way. But I've always been a very strong person. I've been through quite a bit in my life & have done some things that have been either uncommon or downright difficult. To give some examples:

I've chased armed robbers while unarmed
I've tended a dying man
I've rendered aid to someone seriously ill
I've backed up a buddy in a fight against superior numbers
I then kicked buddy's ass later cause he was in the wrong
I tried to stop a wedding for love's sake (though I failed)
I've pulled arms on a large number of armed men
I've been shot at
I've been seriously threatened with death at least twice
I’ve played a coliseum
I’ve declined sex with otherwise beautiful women because of an obligation
I’ve declined sex with a beautiful woman I loved because I felt it wouldn’t have been right for her under the circumstances
I've been homeless (in an effort to save cash for a kid that turned out not to be mine)
I've put out a few fires while getting singed in the process
I've driven all night to see someone before they died
I've worked almost 24 hours straight (22 & some-odd minutes)
I've stood up to a guy who I was no match for because he was in the wrong
I've lost the people who raised me at a fairly young age
I've had my heart broken a few times, in some cases very badly

Among the hardest things I've done - the most difficult or straining - is to tell someone I cared when I was unsure of their response. Or worse; when I knew the response would not be the same. I'd take any of the above that involved physical risk over that anytime.

But I've been through those things & quite a few others & survived. I won't say that I came through unscathed because in some cases there was real & lasting damage. But it hasn't stopped me yet.

Two things amaze me of late about human beings - their capacity for pain & their capacity for fooling themselves. I've been enduring a lot of the former & have realized how much of the latter I'm guilty of. As bad as the former is I'd rather have that than to have had the latter. Being unsure or misguided about my actions has caused me to make some errors that I should not have made.

But no; emotionally I'm a very strong person. My tolerance for pain is high which is a very good thing because my capacity for caring is very deep. Whether it's intentional or not caring always involves pain. It's really impossible to care about someone & not be hurt by their actions to some degree at some point. Whether it's through a misunderstanding or through you just having too high of an expectation (& subsequently being let down) or some other cause the ones you love will bring you pain. The more you care the more pain is possible. It sucks (& not in a good way) but that's just the way humans are.

So this post is to simply try to save some face I think I've lost by opening up my emotional side in the ways I have over the last few months. I don't have many folks to complain to off the internet & this has for good or ill become my source of venting. But don't let it lead you to believe that I'm fragile. I am sensitive, perhaps more sensitive than most folks realize, but so far life hasn't dished out anything I couldn't take, just a bunch of things I'd rather not have taken.

Confusing kindness with weakness is something I've always thought some folks I have cared about have been prone to do in my case. & perhaps they are right; after all caring is a weakness, as is love. But it's also a strength. Despite my efforts to make Spock look like a whiney 4 year old I do care very deeply for some things & for some people. By doing so I have given them the capability to hurt me; I’ve exposed my throat so to speak. That could be viewed as a weakness.

But it also takes strength to care, especially deeply. After a certain point in our lives we realize what caring entails & the risks we take by doing so. The deeper the caring the more risks but also the more fortitude that is required to embark down that path.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last few years is not to tell JAG I cared when I should have. Not that the outcome would have been different, but I feel I owed it to her to be that honest (though at the time I was having some trouble being honest with myself). That was cowardly on my part & I am ashamed of that. Nothing to be done about it now & I have since corrected that (albeit not in the best manner possible) but if I have been weak about anything in recent memory that would have been it.

As I said, I vent here & mostly I write when I feel less than stellar, so do not think of me as a wimpy old man crying about how horrible the universe has been. Everything that's happened has been at least partly if not mostly by my own hand. I take full responsibility for my actions & their consequences, both the intended ones & the unintended. Despite my whining about a girl I care for but lost I'm functioning. I may not be the happiest camper in the forest but I still have the potential to do great things. & perhaps one day I will again.

So take my whining with a grain of salt. I haven't typed anything insincerely but there's more to me than this.

VD

VD is coming up. Valentines Day that is. :) Of the holidays I give a damn about this one is the least important but it still gets to me when I'm without someone. What makes it worse is that it was Frankie's B-day. I used to feel real sorry for her because she'd never go out to eat on her b-day - she said the lines were always too long. I'd call her though & wish her a happy b-day, even on the years when she'd forget or neglect to call me on mine.

So this year will be strange as I won't be making a call I traditionally made. I Imagine I'll hear from Lisa & maybe Maria as they'll be not making their usual calls either.

& now that I think about thinks I've only taken one women out on Valentine's Day - GAvO . I’ve only dated two women on VD; that’d be JD & KS. Neither one cared that much for the day & asked me to not make a big deal of it, which was just as well because I was working anyway (in JD’s case I was out of town).. There were a few I would have taken out on VD, but things just didn't work out. JAG was unavailable last year & this year - that whole not being on speaking terms makes me think she'd decline any offers I made (were I to swallow my pride enough to make an offer). Besides, I assume that she's found someone to date by now, at least on a casual basis.

In other words this year VD will suck - & not in a good way.

Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry

From the Van Morrison tune Tupelo Honey. My favorite tune of his as a matter of fact. Here's the tune set to some slideshow about someone's family.Here's Van doing the tune live.

"You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry"

Remember all those fairy tales you heard as a kid about the knight on the shining steed rescuing the damsel in distress? Or the captain going down with his ship? Or the general leading the charge into the enemy's cannons? Or the guy putting his cape over the puddle for the lady to walk on? Just fairy tales right? Nope; I bought them hook, line & sinker.

It'd be no big deal but the world doesn't work that way. I doubt it ever did.

I'm loyal way beyond a fault. I can be trusted. Those would be bad enough but I have all these fucked up ideas about nobility tossing about in my head. Lost cause? Charging an overwhelmingly superior force? Diving on the grenade to save your buddies? Saying something snarky right before the armed gang tries to take your head off? I am sooo there. Those seem normal to me. Not normal in the "it happens every day' sense but normal as in "what else was the guy supposed to do?" sense.

Doing things above & beyond what most folks would reasonably do is the manifestation of all this. I've worked when I was injured, played when I was injured, went through a lot of hardships in order to accomplish some seemingly worthy task, or even unworthy tasks because it was what I viewed as my obligation to do so.

Most folks don't understand this. They view it as crazy in some ways. & perhaps they're right.

But I have all these foolish ideas about loyalty & faith & commitment & obligation & love rolling around my head. What makes it worse is that I try to put them into practice. I've never actually removed my cape to cover a puddle a lady is about to walk across but that's probably because I don't wear capes. Anymore. (They are soooo last year).

I've been called an idealist & a romantic & even an iconoclast. I can't say that those labels are unfitting. But they do become problematic. Principles mean something to me & while I won't say that I always do what I think is correct I do try to do what I think is correct. If it involves some matter of principle I'll try that much harder.

& love - my whole life I've viewed that as the most important thing in life. it's taken precedence over my career, my goals & even on occasion my desires. Not the abstract concept of caring deeply, but the practice of showing commitment & devotion to someone. I don't love half-assed. When I feel it I usually feel it rather deeply & if I don't try to fool myself I tend to put forth all the effort I can into that. Not that I act perfectly or make all the right choices, but I try. & by no means does that mean it always turns out well. But when it turns out badly it's not because I wasn't willing to put effort into something - it's usually because I just fuck up or the other person just fucks up.

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? If not I'd recommend watching it as it's a pretty good flick. But it also gives an understanding of the beliefs I have, or at least the level I'd go to in pursuing those beliefs. Storming a castle with only two other people on my side when I'm partially paralyzed to rescue a lady who might love me but whom I love? In the very unlikely event that situation ever arose I'd do the same thing 9albeit my tactics might alter a bit - I like to add my own flair).

But the world I live in doesn't seem to have those values that I do. Most folks view such ideals & values as naive & silly. So it isn't easy being an idealistic, romantic iconoclast in the 21rst century (if there ever was a time when it was cool to be so). The idea of a man's word being his bond is anachronistic. A contract is enforceable, but mere words & maybe a handshake? There are seldom any serious consequences for breaking such bonds. Word of mouth & reputation still have some value, but no enough to make such archaic practices that important. Don’t misunderstand; I'm not saying there aren't any folks that can be trusted when they say something, but that they're in the minority in my experiences.

So as a consequence of how I am & how the world works around me I withdraw to a certain degree. I don't trust folks as much as I know they could trust me. I don't make commitments or give my word that often. & I don't love that many people.

It's not so much pessimism about others as it is self-defense. I realize what I will do for those I care for or have bonds with so I try to make sure it's worth it - the trouble I could potentially be subjecting myself to for someone else's sake. Which brings me to the state I'm in now; I have few friends that I truly trust &/or feel I can rely on & a love that's so estranged & distant from me that I don't know if we'll ever talk again, let alone see each other in any meaningful way.

Despite the seeming loneliness of the situation it's the way I prefer things. If given the choice I'd have dozens or perhaps hundreds of friends & a love that was more tangible in my life. But that kind of world doesn't exist so I make choices based on how I know myself to work as well as how I know the world to work.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying that in practice my actions are the epitome of chivalrous or piety or nobility. It’s just that I try; that I believe in those things & attempt some action based on those concepts. It’s not that the results are always great. Hell sometimes they’re quite fucked up. But I try.

& it's all Van Morrison's fault. Or the folks who wrote The Princess Bride. Or who ever came up with all those fairy tales & told them to me as a kid. Or my grandparents for teaching me that such practices are the right way to conduct yourself in the world. But most of all it's mine for not growing up. Now where did I put my breastplate?