Anytime?

It's a Brian Mcknight tune. I always liked Brian & partly because I have a pal that is gigging with him (but does he ever call me when Brian needs a guitar player? Hell no). Most folks don't recognize the title as the chorus is:

"Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
I miss you"

It's a sappy R&B ballad with some nice touches (especially the guitar work - minimal but tasty). & it's not hard to figure out what the song is about from the chorus. (I particularly like the last full chorus - the way McKnight comes in behind the beat with the 2nd line & accents "me".) Here's the tune set to clips from X-men.

Babygirl has to be thinking of me. If I'm correct she's hitting my other site 3,4 sometimes 5 times a week. & not at any specific time like it's part of her daily routine.

Before we fell out the last time she had told me that she wanted to always keep in touch even if I left the state because "you never know what will happen down the road". Maybe that's no longer applicable since our falling out but you know damn well it crosses my mind.

As far as I can tell she's using the site to keep some sort of bond with me while keeping her distance. She figures that getting in touch would bring drama or pain to our lives but she wants to stay connected in some way. After 3 months I can't imagine it's just her checking to see if I'm alright after our falling out, though that very well could be what she tells herself to justify her visits. & after 3 months I assume she's found someone to date so I doubt it's anything guilt induced on her part. I mean that she's not checking out my site because she feels bad about her role in our falling out.

She doesn't know that I know that she's visiting me. To be honest I'm not 100% certain it's her that's visiting, but I'm reasonably sure.

Perhaps she's checking to see if there's some excuse to break the ice? Or to see if I'm stable enough to break the ice with? Which would be tricky as I seldom talk about anything very personal on the other site. I write under a pseudonym & mainly discuss bigger issues. I mention tidbits about my life but nothing very identifiable or particularly telling, though I have found myself writing as if she was my only audience from time to time.

I have thought about telling her about this site, either directly or cryptically. I doubt I'd write her though so it'd have to be a cryptic mention on my other site in the hopes that she'd pick up on it. But I'm still unsure. I honestly don't know how she'd react to my writings here. It might make her understand me a little better, or it could serve to push her away & strengthen the wall we have up between us. eventually I'm sure I'll clue her in, but I'm not sure when - maybe after I've written some things that aren't about her so she won't think I'm obsessed or stuck in a dark place.

But she visits. She reads. So she has to be thinking of me. I do not see how she can detach my site from thoughts of me. With the frequency she visits I also assume that I do cross her mine when she's away from a computer. I don't know what would trigger it but I can see her thinking of me if some Prince comes on a radio or if she is exposed to something else that she might associate with me.

Of course this is all academic since she isn't getting in touch. As I said I would be surprised if she hasn't found someone else to date by now, possibly seriously. & I don't feel great about that. But that she still visits makes me think that there's a slight bit of hope for us reconciling. Perhaps not that much of a chance, but when you care for someone a slim chance is all you need to hang on to.

I have thought of checking out her MySpace page but so far I've resisted the temptation. I'd feel as if I was spying on her even though I have no problems with her checking out my other site. I think it's just my pride; if she wanted me to know about her life she'd tell me. Besides I don't think it'd be pleasant for me if I saw pics of her & her new b/f (assuming she does in fact have one by now). But I haven't checked up on her. I doubt I will unless she gets in touch. But her checking out my site is different somehow; I think because I want her in my life so her checking on me is fine, but since I don't think she wants me in hers I don't feel right about visiting her MySpace page. besides, even though I want her to be happy it's never the coolest thing to see how someone is getting on with their life after a falling out. Not that I want her to be miserable without me - not at all. But it's a little bit of a sting to me to think that she shrugged me off & is crusing on with her life like I was little more than a speed bump. Which I admit is a selfish part of me that I don't particularly care for, but it is a part of me. I internalize it though mainly because I have too much pride to tell somone that I feel hurt because they don't value me as much as I value them.

But I cross her mind. Of course I have no idea if it's in a good way or a bad way, or if thoughts of me will ever be so strong as to cause her to get in touch. But still it's some kind of comfort to me that she's trying to hold on to me, even if in a minimal & distant way. & that is because I do miss her.