The Slut

No; this isn't about me being angry with some former lover & questioning her morals. This is about me.

While "slut" is a term normally applied to women I can't find any more appropriate description of my history. I am capable of being monogamous & I've only cheated on 1 girl that I had an obligation with but in general I've been single & sleeping around.

A side note; the 1 girl I did cheat on - I was 15 & made out with another girl. I hadn't had sex with either of them by that point & in fact broke things off with both of them within a week of my indiscretion. I confessed to the girl I was obligated to & explained my indiscretion to the girl I had cheated on her with. I learned very early on that I have too guilty a conscience about that sort of thing & have not broken an obligation since.

When I was 16 I met a girl who worked in the office of a company I worked for part time. She was 6 years older than I was. We hit it off & within a month or so I was sleeping with her. In fact I lost my virginity with her. That'd have been cool & everything but she was married at the time. So ultimately things didn't work out.

The next girl I slept with I was 17 & that turned out to be a 1 night stand. She was a few years older & not looking for a relationship. A few months later I met JL & she & I started dating, but that ended disastrously & I took myself out of circulation for close to a year.

After that it was on. I didn't sleep with just anyone; there had to be a certain attraction & I was very selective in my tastes. I wasn't like many of my friends who were just trying to fuck anyone they could every night of the week. Nor was I like a few of my friends who were looking for someone to settle down with. I was trying to find beautiful women that had something else going for them besides their appearance & seduce them; not just physically but mentally & emotionally as well. Getting laid wasn't the goal. It was the means to the goal. That goal was having someone I cared for fall for me. Whether it turned into a multiple week fling or something long term & serious didn't matter.

I was in a few relationships, some on & off & some continuous but every time I found myself single I was either sleeping with someone on a semi-regular basis or looking for someone to sleep with on a semi-regular basis.

I won't delve into how many lovers I've had or could have had I'll just say that I've turned down more women (sometimes unintentionally) than I've been with, but probably not as many as I've struck out with.

Another thing that I should say; physically I'm not that attractive. An objective assessment is that I look somewhere between slightly below average & average. My success in the dating field never came because women's jaws dropped when I'd walk into a room. It always came through some aspect of my personality. Which aspect varied from lady to lady but I think most have just appreciated my confidence & directness. I'd not be shy about talking to them which gave me a leg up on the majority of guys in their world. In fact my friends loved having me along when they'd go out because I would walk up to a group of women & just start chatting them up. I broke the ice & sometimes that's all that was needed.

I have a few other things going in my favor that usually didn't become known until the ladies decided to get intimate with me. Perhaps the one the lady will see most readily is that I'm good at foreplay. More precisely I'm usually prettygood at figuring out what turns a particular lady one & using that to make her very excited. I'm capable of having quickies but prefer to take some time just making out & enjoying the excitement & anticipation that comes with foreplay.

Another things is size. All guys say they're larger than average. I never bragged about my size; in fact I have seldom mentioned it. But I am a bit larger than average. Average male length is somewhere around 6 inches long by 1.5 inches wide. I'm around 8 inches long & 2 inches wide. Most women found this a plus (although a few just couldn't handle the length & girth) & coupled with the way I fuck it seldom resulted in the lady only wanting to sleep with me once.

I also have found I have an ejaculatory dysfunction. It's called Delayed Ejaculation & it was only recently that I realized that the condition existed & that I had it & it was not normal. Basically it's a psychological thing that prevents me from having an orgasm the way most guys do. Most men cum within 5 minutes or so of penetration. It usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour or sometimes longer. & it seems the more attracted I am to the lady the longer it takes.

This comes from my desire to please the lady & is something akin to a reverse of performance anxiety. I just focus too much on being a good lover to relax enough to let the physical pleasure take its natural course. So where most guys take about 5 to 10 minutes I'm taking an hour or so.

It's been a problem before but not mentioned too much. I think the ladies just assumed they didn't turn me on enough to make me cum, which is close to the exact opposite of what was going on. But coupled with my size it has made things less than enjoyable on occasion.

Still with the women I've slept with who had a circle of friends I was accessible to this has generally worked out well for me. as I said my appearance isn't the stuff wet dreams are made of but when one of their girlfriends tells them I'm well hung & fucked them all night long it's made me a popular choice for a late night bootie call.

Getting laid was never easy, but it usually wasn’t that difficult. I had to put some effort into it but usually a month or two was the longest I went without a lover (though there have been exceptions to this).

But usually when I gave up hope on a relationship I was within weeks looking for a new lover or lovers. Typically it was just that: lovers. I never tried to have anything deeper & would cut the lady off when she pressed for something more than what I wished to give her. I wasn't afraid of commitment I just didn't want to commit to anyone when I had recently gotten out of something serious.

My pattern was this; I'd sleep around until I found someone I thought I could be serious with & then I'd commit to her. When it ended I'd take a few weeks or so to get my head together then immediately start looking for another lover. I'd do this for months or sometimes years until I found someone else I felt was worth the emotional risk of commitment.

& it was fun - well the sleeping around part. But I've always thought that a monogamous relationship was preferable. I just had very high standards when it came to those & I wasn't going to turn my nose up at the second best thing.

That's changed now. At least for the moment.

With JAG I met her with the intent of us just being lovers. I was still seeing KS & didn't want to get involved in anything. But over time I saw myself with JAG in a serious relationship. I fell for her more or less which was tricky because I still loved KS. When JAG bailed on me I was at a loss for a bit. I ended up seeing KA again for a few weeks but she moved out of state.

I started dating around again like I was used to doing. But this time things were different; I met a few girls I knew I could commit to but didn't. I told myself various reasons for this but the truth is that I couldn't stop thinking about JAG, even though she was in something else herself. That should have clued me in to what was going on with me but humans have a great capacity for fooling themselves & I’m a very good example of that.

When she came back around I cut everyone off. I stopped looking. I stopped fucking. In all fairness I had meant to cut off one lover by that time anyway as she was getting too attached & not pursuing her other options, but I didn't try to replace her. But to this day I haven't slept with anyone but JAG since she became single in the first days of August. I always thought she'd be shocked if she found that out because she viewed me (not wholly inaccurately) as a slut.

I went out on a few dates & messed around a little bit but I always stopped short of fucking. One lady I gave an orgasm to through foreplay & another got so far as to have my cock in her mouth for a few seconds, but each time I declined to fuck them (in the latter's case withdrawing myself from her mouth & telling her it was nice but it was going a bit farther than I wished). But the dates were just to pass the time as I couldn't see JAG on those nights.

What makes it worse is that at least then I was seeing JAG (albeit not that often) & had some hope of things progressing. Since JAG & I fell out I haven't fucked anyone or really tried to.

The first few weeks after our falling out I was trying to go through the motions. But the first lady that seemed likely to follow through with her flirting I canceled on. It was just some strange almost inexplicable feeling in my gut that had nothing to do with her & everything to do with JAG.

Since then I haven't even really tried. I'll flirt here & there but that's more habitual than a solid attempt at anything. & it's a bit annoying really because my sex drive hasn't diminished at all, but the selectivity I have is working against me. At the moment I don't wish to have anyone else other than JAG so I don't even look. I will admit though that there are a few women I could sleep with, but they are all ladies whom I already have feelings for & know them to have some feelings for me. Unfortunately the closest one is a 16 hour drive, but perhaps that's just as well.

Odd isn't it? That a self acknowledged slut will be faithful to someone in absentia. I joked around a bit that I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now, & typically that would be the case. Except when I was 2 or 3 flings past her I wasn't past her.

But seducing women, & not just women but beautiful women, & not just beautiful in their appearance - that's been the most engaged in hobby I've ever had. When it worked out it was certainly fun, but even when it didn't it usually was to some degree enjoyable.

All that being said I think what I'm going through now is some offshoot of the introspective period I think I'm in. Though the urge for sex hits me strongly from time to time I don't want to give in to it. At least not until I figure out what's going on with me. I'm not saying that I've declared a period of celibacy for X number of months or years; in fact I have no idea if tomorrow I'll wake up & start the search for lovers again. But I think I realize that my usual tricks won't help me get JAG off my mind & that it wouldn't be fair to pursue anyone else at the moment, for myself as much as for them.

That is my story though; a slut (albeit a very selective one) for most of my life being celibate because of my feelings for someone I'm estranged with. It's a shame, not because of the pleasure I'm not engaging in, but like playing guitar it's one of the things I think I'm most talented at. To some degree it bothers me not that I'm not getting laid, but that I'm not giving out pleasure to someone I care for through those means.