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Kid Rock tune. He did it with Sheryl Crow (as can be seen here) & that's the one most people have heard but I stumbled onto this vid of him doing the tune with LeAnn Rhimes. I always dug the way she sung, & the way she aggravated a few female vocalists I knew who had to do some of her material.

"I've been living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun" something or other "in 3 damn days."

It's been a helluva lot longer than 3 damn days. 3 months since the b-day. I feel better than I did a month or two back but it still saps me sometimes; the lack of motivation mainly. Emotionally I'm pretty drained. It takes some effort for me to feel things as deeply as I do & I've been feeling a lot as of late.

Matter of fact it's been exactly 3 months (by the calendar) since I've heard from her, & that was a fairly cold note. Still I spent some time tonight driving around thinking about things - her part & my part & where each of us did things that were uncool. Same conclusion; we could repair the damage & possibly even have something very cool come out of it, but it's impossible if she's not willing to try. & not being in touch leads me to believe she's not willing. Still, she checks out my other site. After all this time it can't be because she wants to make sure I'm not suicidal or anything (not that I ever have been – just sayin’). The girl cares, but to what extent I do not know. It's all academic though if she won't act upon it.

I should just move the fuck on but I really don't want to. It'd be easy to revert back to my dog-like state, seducing as many women as I can (or trying to at least) - but what's the point? I did that for about a year & the whole fucking time I couldn't shake her from my mind. It'd be the same if I tried it now; I'd be with someone else to pass the time but I'd be desiring her. Not that I like being alone & lonely but it seems the only option because not just anyone will do this time around. I'm afraid I know too much about myself & how I tick now for the old tricks to work.

So I’ll live my life in a slow hell but skip the different girl every night part. The American Federation of Musicians will have my card if they find out about this. :)

Still, 3 months to the day since she sent that last e-mail. Took her maybe 10 minutes to write? If she'd have just put that much fucking effort into giving me a little compassion on my b-day things would have been different for both of us. Sad isn’t it? She could scrape together 10 minutes to tell me I was crazy & that she was done but she couldn't scrape together 10 minutes to wish me a happy b-day.

& if you're wondering why I'm still hanging on to someone who'd behave in such a way - well sometimes I do too. But then I think of how she thinks, & types; little phrases she's used. The way she looks when she's trying not to laugh at me, the way she kisses me when she's glad to see me. The way she did care. I just can’t fathom that she’s stopped doing the latter even if she’s not acting upon it.

Objectively I could say that there are thousands or tens of thousands like here around the area, but to me she is more than the sum of her parts & I'm afraid replacing her would be impossible. She's flawed & in some ways downright fucked up, but not so much that she's not still the most beautiful woman I know. & she doesn't look bad either. :)

The problem is that I love her. It’s complicated by my emotions not just being base – I care for her mind as much as for her body. Despite the circumstances I still know her to be a good person, one of the coolest I know. She dissed me pretty hard but I don’t think badly of her in general, just that her actions were cold & uncaring.

As bad as things have been the damage isn't irreparable - unless she doesn't want it to be. I'm just hoping in 3 months I won't be writing about her as I am now: as a lady I miss terribly.