Extraordinary Machine

Fionna Apple. An odd yet cute tune, which is typical for Fionna. Here's the vid.

I don't brag. Not that I'm modest I just don't see the point in it most of the time. But upon reflection I felt I needed to do something to counter the image I've likely been presenting so far. Ya see I view a lot of my posts of the last few months as whining. I'm not used to or very comfortable with expressing those kinds of emotions, & I tend to look at it as being wimpy in some way. But I've always been a very strong person. I've been through quite a bit in my life & have done some things that have been either uncommon or downright difficult. To give some examples:

I've chased armed robbers while unarmed
I've tended a dying man
I've rendered aid to someone seriously ill
I've backed up a buddy in a fight against superior numbers
I then kicked buddy's ass later cause he was in the wrong
I tried to stop a wedding for love's sake (though I failed)
I've pulled arms on a large number of armed men
I've been shot at
I've been seriously threatened with death at least twice
I’ve played a coliseum
I’ve declined sex with otherwise beautiful women because of an obligation
I’ve declined sex with a beautiful woman I loved because I felt it wouldn’t have been right for her under the circumstances
I've been homeless (in an effort to save cash for a kid that turned out not to be mine)
I've put out a few fires while getting singed in the process
I've driven all night to see someone before they died
I've worked almost 24 hours straight (22 & some-odd minutes)
I've stood up to a guy who I was no match for because he was in the wrong
I've lost the people who raised me at a fairly young age
I've had my heart broken a few times, in some cases very badly

Among the hardest things I've done - the most difficult or straining - is to tell someone I cared when I was unsure of their response. Or worse; when I knew the response would not be the same. I'd take any of the above that involved physical risk over that anytime.

But I've been through those things & quite a few others & survived. I won't say that I came through unscathed because in some cases there was real & lasting damage. But it hasn't stopped me yet.

Two things amaze me of late about human beings - their capacity for pain & their capacity for fooling themselves. I've been enduring a lot of the former & have realized how much of the latter I'm guilty of. As bad as the former is I'd rather have that than to have had the latter. Being unsure or misguided about my actions has caused me to make some errors that I should not have made.

But no; emotionally I'm a very strong person. My tolerance for pain is high which is a very good thing because my capacity for caring is very deep. Whether it's intentional or not caring always involves pain. It's really impossible to care about someone & not be hurt by their actions to some degree at some point. Whether it's through a misunderstanding or through you just having too high of an expectation (& subsequently being let down) or some other cause the ones you love will bring you pain. The more you care the more pain is possible. It sucks (& not in a good way) but that's just the way humans are.

So this post is to simply try to save some face I think I've lost by opening up my emotional side in the ways I have over the last few months. I don't have many folks to complain to off the internet & this has for good or ill become my source of venting. But don't let it lead you to believe that I'm fragile. I am sensitive, perhaps more sensitive than most folks realize, but so far life hasn't dished out anything I couldn't take, just a bunch of things I'd rather not have taken.

Confusing kindness with weakness is something I've always thought some folks I have cared about have been prone to do in my case. & perhaps they are right; after all caring is a weakness, as is love. But it's also a strength. Despite my efforts to make Spock look like a whiney 4 year old I do care very deeply for some things & for some people. By doing so I have given them the capability to hurt me; I’ve exposed my throat so to speak. That could be viewed as a weakness.

But it also takes strength to care, especially deeply. After a certain point in our lives we realize what caring entails & the risks we take by doing so. The deeper the caring the more risks but also the more fortitude that is required to embark down that path.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last few years is not to tell JAG I cared when I should have. Not that the outcome would have been different, but I feel I owed it to her to be that honest (though at the time I was having some trouble being honest with myself). That was cowardly on my part & I am ashamed of that. Nothing to be done about it now & I have since corrected that (albeit not in the best manner possible) but if I have been weak about anything in recent memory that would have been it.

As I said, I vent here & mostly I write when I feel less than stellar, so do not think of me as a wimpy old man crying about how horrible the universe has been. Everything that's happened has been at least partly if not mostly by my own hand. I take full responsibility for my actions & their consequences, both the intended ones & the unintended. Despite my whining about a girl I care for but lost I'm functioning. I may not be the happiest camper in the forest but I still have the potential to do great things. & perhaps one day I will again.

So take my whining with a grain of salt. I haven't typed anything insincerely but there's more to me than this.