Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry

From the Van Morrison tune Tupelo Honey. My favorite tune of his as a matter of fact. Here's the tune set to some slideshow about someone's family.Here's Van doing the tune live.

"You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry"

Remember all those fairy tales you heard as a kid about the knight on the shining steed rescuing the damsel in distress? Or the captain going down with his ship? Or the general leading the charge into the enemy's cannons? Or the guy putting his cape over the puddle for the lady to walk on? Just fairy tales right? Nope; I bought them hook, line & sinker.

It'd be no big deal but the world doesn't work that way. I doubt it ever did.

I'm loyal way beyond a fault. I can be trusted. Those would be bad enough but I have all these fucked up ideas about nobility tossing about in my head. Lost cause? Charging an overwhelmingly superior force? Diving on the grenade to save your buddies? Saying something snarky right before the armed gang tries to take your head off? I am sooo there. Those seem normal to me. Not normal in the "it happens every day' sense but normal as in "what else was the guy supposed to do?" sense.

Doing things above & beyond what most folks would reasonably do is the manifestation of all this. I've worked when I was injured, played when I was injured, went through a lot of hardships in order to accomplish some seemingly worthy task, or even unworthy tasks because it was what I viewed as my obligation to do so.

Most folks don't understand this. They view it as crazy in some ways. & perhaps they're right.

But I have all these foolish ideas about loyalty & faith & commitment & obligation & love rolling around my head. What makes it worse is that I try to put them into practice. I've never actually removed my cape to cover a puddle a lady is about to walk across but that's probably because I don't wear capes. Anymore. (They are soooo last year).

I've been called an idealist & a romantic & even an iconoclast. I can't say that those labels are unfitting. But they do become problematic. Principles mean something to me & while I won't say that I always do what I think is correct I do try to do what I think is correct. If it involves some matter of principle I'll try that much harder.

& love - my whole life I've viewed that as the most important thing in life. it's taken precedence over my career, my goals & even on occasion my desires. Not the abstract concept of caring deeply, but the practice of showing commitment & devotion to someone. I don't love half-assed. When I feel it I usually feel it rather deeply & if I don't try to fool myself I tend to put forth all the effort I can into that. Not that I act perfectly or make all the right choices, but I try. & by no means does that mean it always turns out well. But when it turns out badly it's not because I wasn't willing to put effort into something - it's usually because I just fuck up or the other person just fucks up.

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? If not I'd recommend watching it as it's a pretty good flick. But it also gives an understanding of the beliefs I have, or at least the level I'd go to in pursuing those beliefs. Storming a castle with only two other people on my side when I'm partially paralyzed to rescue a lady who might love me but whom I love? In the very unlikely event that situation ever arose I'd do the same thing 9albeit my tactics might alter a bit - I like to add my own flair).

But the world I live in doesn't seem to have those values that I do. Most folks view such ideals & values as naive & silly. So it isn't easy being an idealistic, romantic iconoclast in the 21rst century (if there ever was a time when it was cool to be so). The idea of a man's word being his bond is anachronistic. A contract is enforceable, but mere words & maybe a handshake? There are seldom any serious consequences for breaking such bonds. Word of mouth & reputation still have some value, but no enough to make such archaic practices that important. Don’t misunderstand; I'm not saying there aren't any folks that can be trusted when they say something, but that they're in the minority in my experiences.

So as a consequence of how I am & how the world works around me I withdraw to a certain degree. I don't trust folks as much as I know they could trust me. I don't make commitments or give my word that often. & I don't love that many people.

It's not so much pessimism about others as it is self-defense. I realize what I will do for those I care for or have bonds with so I try to make sure it's worth it - the trouble I could potentially be subjecting myself to for someone else's sake. Which brings me to the state I'm in now; I have few friends that I truly trust &/or feel I can rely on & a love that's so estranged & distant from me that I don't know if we'll ever talk again, let alone see each other in any meaningful way.

Despite the seeming loneliness of the situation it's the way I prefer things. If given the choice I'd have dozens or perhaps hundreds of friends & a love that was more tangible in my life. But that kind of world doesn't exist so I make choices based on how I know myself to work as well as how I know the world to work.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying that in practice my actions are the epitome of chivalrous or piety or nobility. It’s just that I try; that I believe in those things & attempt some action based on those concepts. It’s not that the results are always great. Hell sometimes they’re quite fucked up. But I try.

& it's all Van Morrison's fault. Or the folks who wrote The Princess Bride. Or who ever came up with all those fairy tales & told them to me as a kid. Or my grandparents for teaching me that such practices are the right way to conduct yourself in the world. But most of all it's mine for not growing up. Now where did I put my breastplate?