Rambling Man

I feel odd. Not necessarily bad but not well either - just different than last weekend for instance.

There's a balance that's ideal for men. You don't want to be too emotional (read wimpy) yet you don't want to be too stoic (read asshole). I always thought in relationships I did a decent job of balancing those sides of myself. Sure; I'd lean one way or the other, never perfectly in the middle, but it'd be reasonably balanced. I don't think I've ever raised my voice let alone hand to a woman I was involved with but at the same time I never broke down & cried when something displeased me.

But maybe I've gotten it wrong. Maybe JAG wanted more stoicism than I showed her last time around?

It's sad that games are played in relationships, but I think part of that is subconscious & cannot be helped. For example if you try to get too close to someone they tend to back away. It doesn't matter that much if you realize what's going on because it's an emotional response that you can't help but feel.

So maybe with JAG I tried to get too close, or she thought I was trying to get too close. Which from my end seems not quite the way it happened, but from her perspective it very well could have been the way it occurred. & her perspective matters more than reality when it comes to her acting.

With KS I was gentle, but I was also pretty firm about some things. She saw that as me being controllable in some things & a complete ass about others.

I'll admit up front I'm not the easiest person to live with or sometimes even deal with, but I'm not a complete asshole or a raging wimp either. I can be emotional & sentimental - I have a romantic streak in me - but I'm also tough as hell. I've been through quite a lot & while phased by it I'm still functional. I've also been as protecting as I think I've needed to be. I've shown caring & the willingness to put effort into helping out my partner. Not just with the dishes or taking care of the kittens, but by talking & listening & being most willing to step in a situation for whatever it was worth.

I don’t know. Maybe JAG viewed me as not being strong enough to deal with her life the way she envisions it. She'd be wrong as hell but her perception governs her actions, just as my perception governs mine. Reality is something else entirely.

I feel odd though. Odd because I'm still dwelling on her; that I'm still trying to rationalize what happened; to understand her, etc. I know what's up. I also know there's nothing I can do about it; it's entirely up to her to contact me or not & after that it's up to her if she wants to work something out with me. The only decision I can make under the circumstances is to shut her out completely.

That makes me feel a bit more helpless than I like. Not being able to act in some way is the most frustrating thing in the world for me. But it's also how it is.

We're defaulting on not being in each other's lives right now. It may be permanent. I don't want to accept that because I do care for the girl deeply, but I'm not so much a fool that I don't see that as a possible & perhaps likely outcome.

So it's not like either of us have to put forth any effort into things; they're the way they are & will continue till one of us tries to change that. That "one of us" has to be her. Maybe it's prideful or something but I really got this thing about courting rejection &/or bugging people.

But like I said I feel odd. Maybe it's accepting that I'm alone or that she isn't going to call tonight for whatever reason. Or maybe I'm getting comfy with her not being in my life. I kind of doubt that because she was always a bright spot in my world. Not that my world was that dark to begin with but she made it a little brighter.

Most likely is that I'm just tired of feeling bad. Not that I feel all perky & cheerful just to feel different but there's only so much emotional exploring I can do before I'm too drained to carry on with things as is.

But I still care for her & think even now we could work things out. I don't think either one of us has done anything to eliminate the potential we had even though it'd require more effort now than it would have before to realize it. Then again maybe it'd be better next time around than it would have been last time? Who knows?

All I can say for certain is that I miss her - not what she was to me but her. It's pointless to wonder if she misses me too or if I ever cross her mind but ya know damn well I do. I wish I could turn it off but I know myself too well. For the rest of my life I'll miss her if she doesn't come back around, it's just that over time I'll get used to missing her.

Maybe that's the odd feeling - I'm beginning to get used to missing her?