The Last In Line

A Dio tune. Ronnie James Dio was the first concert I saw. I was around 15 & didn't really know him that well, so my boy CW & I bought some albums (those were big CD's made out of wax, ya whippersnappers) & listened to a few of his albums a few days before we went to the show. Last in Line was a cool tune, mainly for the guitar work in the beginning & the solo.

I am the last of my line. Johnny's brother Mickey (who passed a while back - cancer) had a daughter & that was Johnny's only brother. Johnny has 4 children. I'm one of them & the other 3 are my sisters.

Frank had 2 girls (Frankie & Maria) & his line died out. But not really; he passed on so much of himself to Frankie, Maria & me that it continues in a fashion, just not in a way recognizable to genealogists who are in a hurry.

But I'm it. If I don't sire offspring then a branch of the greater family will end. You'd think I'd feel pressure to spread my seed. I don't.

It's not that I don't care about that sort of thing; it's that i figured it'd be nice to find a gal who could maybe put up with me for 18 years or so without looking at SAW as a tutorial. Despite all my bitching & protestations I know I can be difficult to deal with & even harder to live with. But I always thought the ideal way to go about things would be to A: find a lady B: make sure the lady gives a damn/won't bail/ is a decent human being/is someone I can care for, etc... & C: see if having youngin's is the thing we want to do.

I'm really ambiguous about kids. If I become a father it'd be real cool, but it's not something I would spend night after night crying over if it didn't happen. Shame as I'd probably be a decent father; I'd at least care & be around & shit. But if it happens or not I'm cool with it.

Still part of me winces at the implications. I can't recall Johnny or Frankie or anyone except Jean & Frank even mentioning it. Hell I think they were just relieved that i wasn't gay (I would rarely talk about ladies i was dating let alone bring one home). Jean & Frank just threw casual mentions around when I was a teen-ager to the effect of "I just hope I live long enough to see your children boy, but I don't think the Good Lord will let me tarry", but nothing serious. So I guess it's just some kind of cultural thing.

the way things look I won't pass on my genes or most of my knowledge. i think the latter tends to bug me more than the former. It's probably why I started this blog (whining was only a partial consideration). My life has been rough in a lot of places & in a lot of ways, but I've also seen some wonderful things; learned some wonderful things; felt some wonderful things. Those things will likely die with me & that is what I think makes me sad about not being likely to be a dad.

Of course I still have time. Johnny was around 46 when Jennifer was born. Coincidentally Johnny’s wife is 17 years younger than he is, though I doubt I'll have it going on like he did. Hell, JAG was a big exception for me & she was only 9 years my junior. I just typically preferred women around my age or older - course that was before i hit my mid 30's, but still...

Anyway I still have plenty of time. Sort of. Mickey was in his late 40's or early 50's when he passed & I've lived a much harsher life than he did. Cancer is genetic & my family is eat up with it. So it's very likely that if my lifestyle or smart ass ways don't get me then cancer will. & there's as much a chance that it'll hit in my 40's as there is that it'll hit in my 50's. 15 years ain't that long a time when you're looking at something unpleasant at the end.

I know - it's morbid as hell but it really doesn't get to me. Maybe I'm just used to things being dark in my world but death is death. Not something to long for for most folks but it's just a part of life. I'm not tripping over my own mortality; I'm just looking at the likely path my life will take.

Funny how I started talking about birth & drifted quickly to death. I should say something deep about nature being cyclic but I'm just not feeling it.