I've Got Dreams To Remember

I like sleep. Sleep is my friend. But sometimes my friend is nowhere to be found.

4 months & a day ago I had a day similar to today. I remember it so well because it was the last time I hung out with JAG. The gist is I couldn't get to sleep & I inadvertently kept waking her up which led to her being a tad grumpy with me the next day. She had to know I didn't mean to keep her up, but the effect was the same regardless of my intent.

Anyway every now & then I'll go through this - at least this has been the case since sometime over the summer. I'll feel tired & go to sleep but a few hours later (if that long) I'll wake up & have a devil of a time getting back under the snooze engine. Today I crashed at close to 9 a.m. I was planning on getting up at 3 p.m. I woke at a little after 11 a.m. & have been trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep.

Not sure what woke me up - I was dreaming about a person in a hospital bed & this medical professional being there & there was some discussion of a belt. She (the med pro) went into a bathroom with playful hints at coming out with a belt on & - well I'm a bit fuzzy. Sometimes in my dreams I'll dream about a person & they won't be them but it'll be a representation of them. So I'm not sure who the med pro was or if she was just representing who I think the med pro could have been. Perhaps I'll never know as I came to before she emerged. & as Freudian as it sounds I'm not sure if the person in the hospital bed was Frankie or KS or some other lover.

In any event I'm awake & not happy about it.

Since the fall I've been going through a phase where one day every week or two I'll sleep the whole damn day. I mean crash at 8 or 9 in the morning & not wake up appreciably until 2 or 3 the next morning. Last time I did that it was a few months before I left the Carolinas. I'm still unsure as the reason since I never bought into that "catching up" on sleep notion. It might be tied to some form of depression I get when things aren't moving quick enough in my life. Not sure; all I know is that's a much more enjoyable problem to have than this one.

& Mac bothers me. I hate that he's gone. We didn't talk that often or anything but I really loved the old motherfucker. I remember for years we'd display out affection by using a cute phrase when we ended our conversations. That phrase was "oh, btw - go to hell". It was often a contest to see who would pull it first & everyone around us knew we were joking cause we'd bust out laughing upon successful completion of the ritual. But I don't like that he's gone. I rationalize that he's in a better place, maybe reunited with his wife & son at last after all these years, but I'm selfish enough to really miss hearing his voice.

I played for a few minutes before I tried to sleep. Just fucked around with Fogelberg's Leader of the Band. The tune reminds me of Mac, & to some degree my relationship with Mac. He wasn't a father figure so much, but he was a pseudo-teacher & maybe even a mentor to some extent in addition to being a friend. & he would kick my skinny ass if he knew that I didn't touch my instrument for over 3 months. He was adamant about practice even between gigs. so I didn't play for me today; I played for him. Not sure how long it'll be before I'm ready to play for myself again.

So 4 months since I've seen JAG & still haven't heard a damn thing from her. I'm getting very pessimistic that she will ever wish to speak to me again. Mac's gone - can't speak to him anymore despite any desires to do so on either of our parts. Frankie's gone even though she'd have only been 54 last week. & it seems KS & I aren't speaking to each other. I'm still willing to speak with her as I thought she & I were friends, but when someone keeps not returning my calls I tend to take the hint.

Yep, sleep would be nice right about now. Maybe it's that I dream of those I miss. & maybe that's why every now & then my mind won't let me sleep - to force me to deal with missing them instead of avoiding it? Or maybe its some change my body is going through. Or maybe it's something else I can't figure out. Whatever it is I wish it'd stop so I could dream a little more today.

Here's Otis Redding doing I've Got Dreams To Remember.