My Funny Valentine

I was thumbing through a notebook a little while ago & came across a letter I started to write to Frankie last March. Maria had called & told me to get out there because Frankie wasn't doing well & they didn't expect her to last for long. I couldn't make it. I had some work to do to the car & I didn't have the cash to make the trip. So I intended to write her a letter. I never finished it. I wrote another one & sent it to Lisa to read to her but Lisa never did. Frankie made it through March but not much past that. When I saw her I never told her the things I wrote. It's easier for me to write things than to speak them (as you might have noticed by the friggin' blog before you).

Anyway Frankie would have been 54 today. I wasn't that great of a son to her but I did always call on her b-day.

I felt bad for her in a way; she never went out to eat on her b-day. She said it was always too crowded at anyplace she wanted to eat at, & Franks' economically conservative (read: cheap) gene passed down to her (& me as well) so she couldn't see paying the cash for a dinner at a place requiring reservations.

I only recall eating out once on VD myself. It was with GAvO. That had to be back in 1991. Since then - well AS & I were off & on which usually meant off during mid-February. JD was a vegetarian so we never went out to eat anyway (plus she hated the "hallmark holiday"). KS wasn't into it either & she was absent most of the time anyway. Just looking it up she was out of the country during 2 Valentine's Days & we were broken up (though still seeing each other) for another one. The one we spent in the same country together I think we just went about our business.

Everyone else I've dated or been involved with in any way just wasn't around on VD. & usually it’s not that big of a deal; but every now & then I do miss trying to show my romantic side & VD is a perfect occasion for it, even if a bit cheesy & commercialized. Hell; can’t a brother have someone to send flowers to every now & then?

Last year & this year I would have gladly taken JAG out, but last year she was otherwise involved & this year it seems we're still not on speaking terms. I thought about sending her flowers or a card or something equally stupid but decided against it. She still hasn't retrieved the b-day presents I got for her so I figure we take things one holiday at a time while we're doing this whole in absentia thing. I have some pride; maybe not in the best manner but I'd hate to lose what little bit I have left.

From time to time it gets to me seeing couples. Hell I fucking deliver pizzas to guys in towels with a women's check being given to me all the time. It's not that I'm jealous because of the particular woman involved per se 9although a few have been stunning) it's that I see the togetherness. Okay I'll be honest - I see some fucking Neanderthal with the manners of an inbred goat & the IQ of a low flying anvil & right behind him there's a lady who looks otherwise engaging, intriguing & attractive. If these stupid fucks can convince some slightly to well above average lady that they're worth spending time with (& judging by the way they tip that's a helluva con job) then what the hell have I been doing wrong?

KS put up with me for close to 4 years - 2 of that shacking up with me. JD lasted a year 7 some months 9with about 10 months of co-habitation going on). Even VA lived with me for 2 months before screaming almost out of the blue that "great sex can't be the basis for a relationship!" (& I should have explored that thought train more deeply but I was too busy being a smart ass at the time). JAG lasted 4 months the first time around (albeit casually) & in a more abbreviated form 3 months the 2nd time.

Now I know I fuck up. I'm a guy; it's genetic & impossible for me to avoid (of course women fuck up just as much but no man is safe in saying that aloud). But how did I fuck up so badly with the women I have fucked up with, JAG especially & yet these "here's $45 & keep the change" (when the bill was $44.79) neocandescent motherfuckers seem to have secure stable relationships. I'm not talking about getting laid; I mean I deliver to some of these rejects from the gene pool a few times & month & it's always the same lady in the background.

Anyway I'm not that bitter about things. It just makes for a funnier rant when i approach things from the bitter angle (you have to admit you cracked a smile at "neocandescent motherfuckers" didn't ya?). But it does get to me. If I was single & had nothing in particular I wanted to have going on it wouldn't be so bad. But I have someone I think I'm compatible with (possibly more mutually compatible than I've ever experienced or observed) so it's a bummer to be alone. & yes; I know compatibility is mainly a component of "willing" which in a way makes it worse because I can't figure out why she wasn't willing.

But back to the point; it sucks to be alone, & not in a good way. Plus it's a little rougher this year because I won't be making a phone call I've been making annually for most of my life.

We never got along great but she was familiar. Hell she was my mother. Not a great mother to me but my mother nonetheless. I never sought comfort from her because she would have denied it. I rarely sought help or counsel because our relationship just wasn't like that. In fact I kept most of my life from her because it was easier on both of us that way - if she didn't know what I was doing. But I do miss talking to her; about whatever it was we talked about.

I used to call her on the way to a rifle match because they happened early in the morning & she was an early riser. It almost gave her hope that I would be normal one day because I was up & not about to go to bed. I haven't been to a match since she died. I kept letting other things get in the way but partly it was because I'd miss making that phone call while on the road.

Today I can't avoid not making the call. It'll just happen. Hell I erased her number from my phone a few weeks after she passed (I got tired of Danny calling from her cell & seeing my deceased mother's name flashing on my phone).

There aren't many folks I do it for but for the ones I care about I hate not calling them on their b-day. I didn't call KS last year on hers because we weren't really speaking - sort of a forced time-out on my part for my sake. JAG I didn't call because we weren't speaking. The year before I would have called her (in addition to offering to meet her & sending her cards & stuff) but she was otherwise engaged. Now Frankie I can't call because she won't answer the phone ever again. Now would be the perfect time to throw in something sappy about her maybe getting to eat out on her b-day but my concept of the after-life isn't worldly enough to justify it.

Luckily I have to work tonight. If I was off I'd have offered to work for Jim (he &his wife just hit the 20 year mark last week) but we'll both be working through it tonight. Not that it'll be busy - we should be pretty dead. But it'll give me something to do for a while instead of staring at the phone that won't ring for me & not dialing the numbers that won't ring for Frankie.

Chaka Kahn. My Funny Valentine. Babygirl singing that ass off.