KS

I met her online through a personals site in 2001. She was living in Italy at the time with her ex-b/f. We hit it off over the internet & phone so we decided to meet. she was flying back home (a couple of hours south of me) on November 3rd. She drove up to see me on the 4th & we hit it off in person better than we had over the phone & net. Our first date lasted 3 days.

Things were going great until late November. she was about to leave one morning to go back to her family & mentioned something about wondering whether or not to leave her ex-b/f's house. There was a little more to it than that but I took it as her not knowing whether or not she wanted to break her ties with him & move on with me. so I told her quite plainly that she had to make her mind up & it'd be best if she didn't call me until she did. A "it's him or me" ultimatum more or less (though not quite in that way). It was the first time I'd seen her cry & it damn near broke my heart on the spot. But I stuck to my guns & told her that I cared but I couldn't see her until she was ready to make a commitment to me.

About 4 days later she called & wanted to see me. I assumed she'd made her decision so we saw each other over the next month or so. I met her family & even spent Thanksgiving & X-mas with them. We hung out at a friend of hers place on New Year's Eve. I took her to see Frankie & Johnny & Lisa & Maria for a few days. Then she went back to Italy.

She wouldn't say how long she would be gone, just that she needed to take care of some things & she'd be back as soon as she could. It ended up being 4 months which was longer than we'd spent in each others' company. It was pretty rough for me because I missed her but was uncertain of her intentions.

I almost said to hell with it when she announced that she had decided to come back & go back to college, but she was going to take a trip to Spain first. For some reason I didn't want her to go to Spain & offered to take her there myself after she came back to me. No dice; she was going & said she'd travel alone. I had no reason not to trust her but it bugged me that she wanted to come back for school. Not that I have anything against furthering an education but I was hoping she could have found enough justification to leave her beloved Italy for me.

A week before she came back she called me & very humbly told me that she had lied & that her ex had met her in Spain & traveled with her for a few days. I was livid but for reasons of my own I let it slide. I never asked her about her fidelity; I assumed there hadn't been any. But I cared for her & thought I could grant her one serious fuck up. I was wrong but at the time I didn't realize why.

We moved in together a few weeks after she got back stateside. Her grandparents let us borrow their RV & we stayed in it for a few months until I found us a cool little apartment just inside the city limits. I thought it was cool but she fell in love with it. I thought it was pricier than my "cheap bastard" genetics would tolerate, but her face lit up so bright when I asked if she wanted it, so we moved in.

I lived with her & her cats (Bug & Chip) from about May of 2002 until September of 2004. We had some fun there & probably a few too many arguments, but we at least argued civilly most of the time. & she never neglected my b-day (or I hers) though one year she was swamped & could only hang out for 20 minutes or so. I felt kind of slighted but understood & 20 minutes was cool enough to let me know she cared. New Year's Eve was another story but I don't think she ever really grasped how much it meant to me.

KS was beautiful to me in a way that few women have been before or sense. I saw myself living with her the rest of my days & I was happy about that. She was attractive mentally as well as physically & I could tell that she really cared for me.

But she didn't love me. I don't mean that she just wasn't in love with me. I mean that she didn't love me. I kept going back & forth but ultimately I realized that she only cared for me.

In spring of 2004 she hadn't been home much. She spent 3 months in Mexico doing a student exchange thing & another few weeks in Peru doing a dig (she was an archeology student). One night when she was back I noticed a foreign number on her cell phone (we shared it) as I was about to make a call. I asked her about it & she told me it was her ex-b/f from Italy.

Normally I don't make ultimatums. I don't like them & only reluctantly use them. so i didn't give her one. I told her simply that I felt uncool about her talking to him & if she persisted it would do damage to our relationship. She kept talking to him so a week after her b-day I broke things off with her. A little over a month later I moved out. I figured we were over & I was trying to recoup to move on.

Then she called & told me Bug was sick. She took her to the vet & they found cancer. I tell folks I did it for the cat (because I did love the little furball) but I really did it for her. I spent just about every waking moment over at her place for the next several weeks & missed some work over it. I tried to take care of the cat but I was really trying to take care of KS. I knew how much it effected her; she had the cat for 17 years & she was always real sensitive about animals in general. To give an example she still cried when she'd see a picture of a Rhodesian Ridgeback because she had one that she had to put down about ten years before.

We ended up putting the cat down. I won't tell you that it didn't tear me up but I kept cool in front of her so she could fall apart for a little bit. We kept seeing each other. Not quite as much but once a week or ten days or so.

I didn't see her over x-mas. I forget why but I opted not to go down to her grandparents with her. I tried to make plans with her when she got back but she was booked on the day that I asked; plans with a fellow student. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I assumed I'd see her on New Year's Eve. I didn't.

She called me at 5 or so on December 31rst of 2004. She asked if I wanted to go with her to the party at her friend's house. This particular friend of hers was an asshole. I didn't like him & came close to having words with him a time or two before. I reminded her of that & said I'd have to decline as I wouldn't set foot in that idiotic overbearing asshole's house. I then asked her to hang out with me instead - just her & I. She said she'd already made plans to meet her cousins down there & if I didn't want to come then "fine". (& that "fine" meant that it was anything other than fine.)

So I spent New Years Eve alone & decided to move the fuck on. I admit I should have made plans with her sooner but when someone calls you on the day of after they'd made plans two weeks in advance that generally means you're an afterthought, not a focus.

I kept hanging out with her but told her I was trying to date again. We were still broken up but I figured it'd be decent to tell her I was trying to see other people. She shrugged it off & things were much like they were before. I could hardly ever make plans in advance with her but if she had a couple of hours free she'd call & see if I could hang out.

School was hard on her. She was smart but bit off way more than she should have, so her time was extremely limited. & that was part of our problem; when she had free time that she knew of in advance she'd make plans with her friends or family. I was in her life but not as a priority. I was a back-up plan, or so it felt. To top it off she applied for a graduate school in a state I won't move to. So I figured it was over & at most I'd be able to see her until August when she'd move out of state.

I went on a few dates but nothing of consequence until I met JAG in March of 2005. JAG & I saw each other at least once a week until July. I kept seeing KS but with both I had made no commitments & had been very upfront that I was not committed to either of them. I wasn't trying to be a stud; I cared deeply for KS & didn't want to have her be lonely but at the same time I was starting to care for JAG & didn't want to miss hanging out with her. In hindsight I should have made a choice between the two but I thought everything was cool for all involved.

I took KS to see Frankie in May. We went down to the beach & fell out about JAG. When I got back we fell out again. She gave me a choice between her & JAG. I thought for a second about how I'd tell JAG good-bye then realized that I wouldn't. I hurt KS pretty badly & that I truly regret. I didn't try to be mean or cold but that's how she viewed it. I still think it was mainly her ego that was injured but that can cause enough pain for me to feel badly over no matter whose fault it was. I spent years trying to protect & care for KS & her I was being the cause of her tears.

We didn't speak for a month. When JAG & I stopped seeing each other KS called about some moving related matters (I was still a leassee at her apartment). We ended up seeing each other for a few weeks before she left town.

As bad a picture as I painted of our relationship I have to say that it was by no means all bad. She was one of the coolest people I'd ever hung out with, let alone dated. For her b-day (two weeks before she left town) I spent over $400. I wouldn't have done that if she wasn't worth caring about. & she wasn't materialistic; it just cost me a bit to get her a few things that would have some sentimental value.

She didn't call much once she moved. I answered the phone late one night in late August to hear that Chip wasn't doing well. In October she called to tell me that Chip had died a few minutes before. I was tore up as much for her as for myself. I get too damned attached to cats.

we were talking a little more often in October & on my b-day she called. I tried to talk her into coming into town to see me but she claimed she didn't have the time. I tried to make plans to see her as I'd pass close to her in late November (or so I thought) but she had already made other plans. She came back to town twice & didn't try to call or see me. She was home for x-mas & called on x-mas day. I tried to talk her into hanging out on New Years Eve but she said she had made plans with her grandparents. She was supposed to come up on the 30th but cancelled that morning due to a death in her extended family. So on New Years Eve I gave up on seeing her again.

I didn't speak to her for about 8 months. It was hard not calling her on her b-day but I didn't. I ended up calling her when I was tripping over JAG disappearing on me in August. Overthe next few months we talked a bit & I told her the details of JAG & how they intertwined with her dealings with me. She was cool about things & I thought we were alright.

She called on my b-day & we chatted for a while. But I tried to call later that night when I was a bit upset & never heard back from her. In December I called & we talked for a bit but it seemed strained on her end. We haven't spoken since even though her grandmother told me she had planned on seeing me when she was in town over x-mas. I never heard from her so I assume she ran out of time.

So that's what happened with KS & I. We both made mistakes with each other, most of which I didn't write about but I can't look back & hold her in the wrong. She made choices I didn't care for but it was seldom if ever a question of being right or wrong. Truth be told if I thought things could be worked out with her I'd make all the effort I could, but I simply don't think she loves me in the way I need her to in order for anything to be really cool. Still she was & is beautiful to me & one of the few people in my world that I know actually cares. I just hope she can find someone she actually loves & that he's worthy of that because she is very special.