The Why Of Harrington

I don't think that the way we're raised explains or excuses all of our behavior. But it does give insight into how we became the people we are. We either accept the upbringing we had or we reject it & sometimes do a combination of both. But I think the following does a good job of explaining why I made the choices I did in the relationships I've had.

I was 2 months old when Frankie left with her parents. I never thought much of it except that I had lucked out (because Jean & Frank were great) but now I see it effected me more than I had thought.

Frankie had Lisa a year & a half after I was born & she kept her. In addition she lived in the same fucking neighborhood I did until I was almost 10. Despite Jean & Frank caring greatly for me this colored the way I'd view relationships. & Jean & Frank added to this through no fault of their own; they were old. From the time I was old enough to understand death I knew they would die & relatively soon.

So underneath whatever I thought on the surface I had the notion that anyone I cared for would either abandon me or simply die.

In addition the relationship Frankie & I had was not a warm one. She had 2 moods with me; neutral or angry. I consequently had 2 moods with her; neutral or smart ass. I knew I'd never gain her acceptance so I didn't try. I also knew I could not depend on her when I needed help. Oddly enough when I needed help she'd usually not come through, but when I didn't need help she'd try to help. I never quite understood that but that's how things played out.

So what this did is it colored my view of people, especially those I cared for & thought cared for me. When I felt secure I was either stoic or slightly happy with them even though inwardly I'd be elated. But it took some time for me to get to the point where I felt secure.

When I wasn't secure I'd either just walk away or I'd try to gain that security through actions. In other words I'd attempt to win their acceptance. I'd often appear clingy while going through a period of insecurity & I probably was being clingy, especially compared with how I normally behaved.

Not that I was totally fucked up or uncaring or possessive; I've been in both situations & acted reasonably considering the circumstances. But I'd excuse behavior too easily at times & become disappointed when that behavior wasn't corrected or the previous security wasn't instantaneous in reappearing.

Another component was my grandparents. I cared for them. I don’t just mean I felt something for them; I mean I tended to their needs. At first it was running that new fangled microwave or reading very fine print but more & more responsibility was added to that as I grew older & they grew weaker. When they passed I was lost for a while because one of the main (if not the main) objects of my life was to take care of my grandparents. After all, they had taken care of me for so long & I felt honored that I could attempt to return the favor (not that I did everything I should have, but I did try). After they passed I had no great purpose, no real reason to exist. I didn’t have anyone to live for, as living for myself just seemed to selfish to qualify as justification for my existence (remember I was only 21 when Jean passed & Frank had been gone 2.5 years by then).

I won't delve into the relationships I had before I was 25 because I was still learning to deal with adults in that way. JD was probably the turning point & from then on I was very weary of who I got involved with. JD was great; she just lost whatever it was she felt for me. It took me a while to get past that & when I did I was probably actually ready to give something serous a try. Not that it happened right away - that weariness thing had set in firmly by then. I simply didn’t let anyone get too close or let myself get too close.

With VA we fell apart because of 2 arguments. I could have repaired things (I think) but I let them slide. I cared for her, even loved her but didn't see myself being secure with her after our falling out. Looking back I doubt I could have lived up to her expectations anyway, so the behavior I learned with Frankie about not even trying to be accepted possibly contributed to things ending.

With KS I never got past Spain. Early in our relationship she took a trip there with her ex-b/f & lied to me about it. I thought I could let it slide & I never brought it up again but I never got past that. It colored how I thought she viewed me & it contributed to me never feeling secure with her again - at least not totally or for long. Whenever she'd mention Spain I'd get upset which should have been a sign that we needed to deal with things, but I thought I was following Jean's example by just trying to forget it so I internalized my feelings. I doubt she ever knew it upset me so much; I never brought it up & we never dealt with it. That had a lot to do with me walking away from her. It also had a lot to do with me continually trying to gain her approval, especially after we broke up.

With JAG it's the same old story. I had built up a lot of security & trust with her, but she threw that away when she stopped seeing me to date someone else in '05. It wasn't that she acted wrongly - it was that she abandoned me for someone else. I didn't realize how much that effected me until a few months ago - after she & I had fallen out. I had been stoic with her to some degree (though not so much that she didn't know I cared to some extent) up until she abandoned me & then I was even more aloof while we were friends. But when she told me she was about to become single again I went in the other direction. I made a big declaration of my affection for her & I think I had hoped that if she left him & came straight to me that it would erase all the damage she had done a year before. It wouldn't have but sometimes we interpret things wrongly & make the wrong conclusions.

But every little slight I could take from her I did. & every little thing that made me think things were cool I took to heart. I was up & down every few days & I over-reacted a few times as well as under-reacted a few times. When I was around her I wasn’t acting like myself. Not that I was totally foreign but I was a bit clingier than I like to be. In short I exaggerated to some extent a lot of her actions & in turn my reactions were exaggerated.

She & I fell out because she ignored me on my b-day. I've always been a little sensitive about b-days & viewed it as a sort of litmus test for caring (based on some previous bad b-day experiences). I thought I communicated this to her well enough so when my b-day passed & I hadn't heard from her my world fell apart.

During the 4 months in '05 that we saw each other I felt as much genuine caring from her as I had from anyone I believe actually ever gave a fuck about me. Enough so that even the loss of security & trust couldn't eradicate my belief that she cared. In fact I tripped out for a few days in September because I thought she had told me that she didn't care & I just couldn't rationalize that with what I knew of her or the world.

With the passing of the b-day came the passing of the belief that I had any sort of security with her, or that she cared about me in any manner. Well the last isn't totally true; I still think she cares & cares deeply but she's not at a point in her life where she'll accept that enough to act upon it in a way I can appreciate.

But my world has been shattered ever since. Not so dramatically that I can't function; just that I have a severe lack of motivation. Again going back to how I interacted with Frankie - if I will never gain someone's acceptance then why try at all?. But it's a little different this time because I just don't feel that the results of any attempts at a relationship will be any different than they have before. I'll snap out of this at some point but for now I can't get motivated to meet anyone new.

This is problematic because of my need to have a greater purpose than myself. Throughout my career as a guitar player I traveled & gigged & dated casually but never got into anything serious (JD was the exception but I wasn’t traveling too often when I was with her). To some extent I had used my career to justify my being; playing guitar wasn’t just what I did, it was who I was. But when I felt comfy enough to get close to someone they became the priority. I mean that despite my appearing to value my career more than anything else I saw nothing being higher in my world than caring for someone & letting them care for me.

An example is that I never turned down a gig if I could possibly make it – except once. JD had driven down to the beach to see me play & could only stay the night. I had done 2 gigs that day & was about to retire with her & spend the time with her I had said I’d have. The fellows in the band I was playing with caught me right before we left & told me we had a chance to play another gig that night. It took a second to process that & I told them no. They were literally stunned. Open mouthed, jaws on the floor, etc… because they’d never seen or heard of me even contemplating turning down a gig before. But at that time my priority in life was JD.

So now I’m alone. I don’t have any hope or potential; at least none that I can see. I’m still holding on to a very slim chance that JAG & I will patch things up someday, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

I see why my past has influenced my actions. I won’t say caused because my past only played a part in what has transpired between myself & the ladies I’ve mentioned. With each one I could have been cool about my past & things still might have went to hell.

But I know now what has influenced me & also what I need to do to rectify things in a relationship. The problem is unless JAG finds herself willing to talk about things then I have no one to work things out with. & without someone to care for or the potential of having someone to care for it’s difficult for me to get motivated to really accomplish much. As I said I’m functional but I don’t see the need in putting forth any more effort than I have to into life when the fruits of that life will not be shared. That’s something I’m trying to work through on my own but even when we see the logic or illogic in something it’s not easy to shake off the emotions that come with it.

To sum up the biggest problems I have are related to abandonement & engulfment (the psycho-babble term for clingy). The offshoot of these things is a strong desire for security within the relationship & it usually manifests itself as needing to have a high priority in that person's life. When those things don't line up I get worried that I'm on the verge of being abandoned & I'll either try to act in such a way to get the other person's behavior to change in a way I think is acceptable or I just walk away. this is probably over-simplified in certain aspects & some may seem like normal behavior. It's not that the desire for security in a relationship is a bad thing; it's that I'm probably more sensitive about it than most folks are, which leads to the other things.