The Why Of JAG

I write this with the firm belief that if she ever reads it she'll kick my ass. I was brought up to never disclose the intimate details of a relationship when the other person could be identified. & any time a group of guys would gather together & brag about how they got laid or what tricks they made the unlucky girl perform I've been filled with a desire to give them a redneck-to-idiot translation of "that ain't no way for a gentleman to talk about a lady". I'm not going to be discussing any details like that even with her being safely anonymous. What I will talk about is what I think makes her tick, & that is something just as intimate if not more so than anything else. I've put so much effort into figuring her out not just to understand how to interact with her, but to understand her. I wouldn't go through this if I didn't care about her very much as it's draining to get so far inside another person's head.

One more caveat – these are all things I think she has to deal with but I could very well be misreading her. Even if I’m correct they are not the entirety of her. She has a very wonderful side that really negates any problems the following could cause. In other words these potential detriments do not negate her attributes – in fact they accentuate them. On balance she’s a very cool person & despite the regret I have for our current circumstances I think as much if not more of her & her character as I ever have of anyone.

How do I begin? How do I write about the things that are fucked up about a person I think is the most beautiful being I know?

She is afraid of being abandoned by those she cares for. I think at times she's even done things to elicit abandonment either as a test or to just get it over with (though I'm not sure she's done this consciously). How it usually manifests itself is similar to how my abandonment issues come up; she doesn't let people get close. She simply doesn't let a person love her. She'll date & be in a relationship but it takes much effort for her to overcome her fear of being discarded. I'm not sure if she's ever really let someone in a romantic relationship care for her the way she should be cared for.

She also has problems with how others view her. Physically she's very pretty & has a very nice figure. Intellectually she's very smart. I believe she knows these things, perhaps to the point of seeming arrogant at times but she worries that other people won't see those qualities (& perhaps others). More importantly she wishes for those she accepts to view her positively & recognize her attributes. We all do to some extent or other but with JAG I think it has a little more (though maybe not too much more) influence on her actions than on most people.

The other entanglement that stems from the abandonment problem is acceptance. She wants to be accepted by those she cares for, to the point of doing things out of character for her (to a certain degree).

To give an example she was on a softball team one year. I've never seen her play but from what I know of her I imagine she's at least better than average. But she called me a few times complaining of the injuries she suffered during the games. When I suggested that she take the next game off I could tell my advice was falling on deaf ears. She had been injured during the game & refused to stop playing because her team needed her. Now granted I've done the same thing before in sports & work as have a lot of folks. But I think it gives a decent example of her willing to suffer to some extent in order to gain acceptance of some sort from those she values.

There are other things, mostly minor in nature. She has a quick temper. She's very non-confrontational which leads to some passive-aggressive behavior & she gets upset at times when things don't go as planned. But those are not that big of a deal unless they're fueled by her fear of abandonment or her need for acceptance or recognition.

& I should clarify; none of the above has caused her to do things that are morally or ethically wrong. They've just caused things in her life to not go as well as they perhaps would have otherwise. In some cases they've had little or no effect at all.

But the biggest problem she faces (from what I've seen) is that she's afraid to really care or vice versa because of the chance of the other person leaving her high & dry. So she's guarded & reserved when it comes to being really intimate emotionally. She also has a tendency (from what I've seen) to make less-than-cool choices in partners. Not that she's cruising the prisons as a dating pool, but those she seems to try anything serious with seem emotionally unavailable, & in at least two cases I know of emotionally abusive. Not that they didn't care for her in some way - she's very easy to fall for. It's that she probably is attracted to something about certain men that leads to uncool relationships. & that thing is probably emotional unavailability.

As far as I know she has ended both of the relationships I know the most about (excluding hers & mine) & I would suppose that she reached a point where the emotional cost was simply unequal to the emotional gain. The good times weren't enough to make up for the bad times & the bad times were mainly caused by the guy trying to set conditions on her that he would not submit to himself.

Added on top of that is the emotional abuse she's suffered. (I wouldn't be surprised if she'd even received some physical abuse, although in very small measure & knowing her it'd have only happened a time or two before she left the situation.) The after effects of the manipulation she's been subjected to have made her even more weary than normal of anything serious. In a casual relationship she's probably fine & seems well adjusted, but I think she only presents a certain side of herself when in those. She stays aloof to some degree & when things stop being "fun" she becomes flighty. If things get serious or a guy seems to care too much I think in some cases she views it as insincere behavior or as another form of manipulation.

But she probably views most guys, even those she likes &/or cares for as potentially wanting to use her for some purpose. She simply has a hard time trusting that someone really cares for her instead of the "her" they envision molding her into.

She also seems to have an aversion to emotional responsibility. She just doesn't want to be the reason behind anyone feeling bad (or in some cases good). She has trouble at times making decisions in relationships because she doesn't want to be the one to blame. She has carried this so far as to completely withdraw herself from her friends &/or romantic interests for a period of time.

So a lot of what I see in her actions is the result of her problems dealing with being abandoned & the after effects of some very bad relationships. Not that it's dominated her life in every facet, but I think it's influenced her decisions in relationships more than she realizes.

Course I could be wrong. I could be misunderstanding her & the cause of her actions. But I'll try to justify these conclusions when I post about the problems she & I had in a relationship.