The Why Of Harrington And JAG

She & I met through a dating service in late February of '05. She was just getting out of a relationship & I was too (though I was still holding on). We thought we were both looking for the same thing (something casual) & we started seeing each other.

The problem was you can't see someone for any length of time unless you either like them or are just using them. Unfortunately we weren't just using each other.

I was trying to be stoic about things even after I knew she cared. But what I didn't realize fully was that I had started to care as well. In fact most of what I'll write I didn't realize at the time or accept in the way I should have. Some of it I've only really understood in the last few weeks.

Anyway she cared & I did too but neither wanted to bring up the idea of things being more serious than they were. She told me simply that she didn't think I wanted anything serious & I had incorrectly assumed the same thing about her. So we saw each other in a casual manner.

What was going on underneath it all was that I had realized that I felt very secure with her, yet I was afraid she'd bail if I brought up the idea of taking things to the next level. In short I ended up waiting too long.

I'm sure she knew I cared to some extent but she concluded that it wasn't enough to make things more than what they were. So she bailed on me when someone else promising came along.

She had wanted acceptance from me. She viewed me as an equal & in some cases admired me & sought a tangible public sign of acceptance from me. A big declaration would have been just the ticket I think, coupled with a commitment but she wanted some acceptance from me that she had more value than just as a casual date. She had went out of her way for me on a few occasions & told me (long after we had stopped seeing each other) that she even felt love for me at some point. But when the acceptance she wanted didn't come she shut those feelings down & decided to move on.

It wasn't devastating when she did so. I didn't lose sleep over it or otherwise suffer ill effects. That's because I went numb. I was close to working up the courage to ask her for something more serious & had broken all ties with any other romantic interests. I had been seeing only her for about a month (& she had seen no one else but me the entire time, aside from a date or two towards the end). But even then I didn't realize how much I cared, just that I cared more than a little. I also didn't realize the effect of her actions on me over the next year & a half.

She wished to be friends & stay in touch. I assumed she'd call for a few weeks then as she got more secure in her relationship with the other guy drift away. She didn't.

I was firm that it was not a good idea for us to see each other while she was dating someone else. I told her it was so I wouldn't make a fool of myself if I lost my head & tried to seduce her but in reality I was just too jealous. I simply did not want to see her when she was obligated to someone else. Plus pragmatically if I did try to seduce her (as I probably would have) & she didn't reject my advances then I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship should we ever hook back up. If I did seduce her that'd have created problems for me & her as well as for her & her b/f. In all things I have never wanted to make life more difficult or unpleasant for her.

So we'd talk. Either I'd call her or we'd find each other on messenger. By the fall her schedule was getting full so we didn't talk quite as often but we did make time to catch up with each other every week to ten days or so.

I was dating around but only casually. I wouldn't get involved in anything serious. I thought it was because I just wanted to play the field for a while but in truth it was because I couldn't stop thinking of JAG.

My b-day rolled around & I hear nothing from her. I was hurt by this but played it off because likely she just forgot the day it fell on. Besides, she had a b/f in her life & her b-day hadn't rolled around yet so she didn't know how I expected her to act.

On her b-day I sent her presents & cards & even offered to meet her the night before. I did this at the risk of some emotional damage but it was her b-day & while I was telling myself we would never see each other as lovers again I still cared for her greatly, both as a friend & as someone I was interested in. She ended up canceling because her b/f had made other plans.

After her b-day i didn't hear from her for a few weeks. This was longer than normal & I was getting concerned. She called while I was on a trip & told me her b/f had made an issue of the card I sent because I referred to her as "sweetie". I apologized & we joked & she said she had just been out of town a lot but I knew what was going on.

The nosy as little motherfucker had used my card, something I tried to do to be nice to my friend, as a catalyst for exerting emotional control over her. She hadn't been in touch because she felt some sort of guilt over contacting me, even though she knew his objections were bullshit. so she didn't communicate for a few weeks, either to placate his jealousy or to distance herself from me & any guilt she might have felt under the circumstances.

But I wimped out. With any other friend I'd have cautioned her about such behavior in a b/f. with her I told myself that if I said anything it'd seem like I was trying to get her back & I did not want to interfere in her relationship. So for the sake of feeling righteous about my intent I let her down as a friend.

We didn't talk as much as we had before. Whether this was residual fall out from her b/f's jealousy or a result of timing I don't know. She would send me articles about cancer if she thought they would be of interest to me. But we talked in real time only a few times a month at most.

She was living with her b/f by this point & I had 2 women I was seeing on a casual basis. The problem on my end was I couldn't care for them the way I cared for JAG. It was an even bigger problem because I didn't realize this was why I kept things casual. when I was with them I'd often think of her (though unintentionally) & when she & I did chat any mention of her b/f would cause jealousy in me. I'd usually "have to go" suddenly when she mentioned him in some way & it got to the point where she'd say she was sorry at times when she mentioned him.

When Frankie passed she called me. Everyone else I had sent an e-mail to about her passing had replied via e-mail. But JAG called. This was not exceptional except that it had been a while since we talked on the phone & the compassion in her voice was unmistakable. The girl cared about me; that was beyond doubt if it ever was in question.

By late June & throughout July she was calling more often. I thought this was just because she liked to talk to me (& in part it was) but unbeknownst to me she & her b/f were having problems. She never mentioned it to me; we just chatted as we always had. So I think she was calling because she needed something from me. Whether it was some sort of security or acceptance or something else I do not know for certain. It could very well be that she just wanted to hear my voice because she knew I cared about her without demanding anything from her.

In late July she told me that she & her b/f were close to breaking up. When she did something snapped in me. I mean that it triggered the emotions I had for her but had been suppressing all this time. I tried to be cool but I saw my actions as being selfish more than friendly though I tried to be as friend like as I could.

A few days later she told me she was thinking of giving things another try with him. My reaction was perhaps the most selfish & wrong single thing I did with her. I wrote her a big dramatic explanation of my actions & declared my feelings & intentions for her. Why was this wrong you may ask? Because of my motive.

Subconsciously I wanted her to leave him with the intent of seeing me again. this would, in my subconscious mind, erase all the damage she had done. It wouldn't have worked that way but that's what I thought. & the damage was greater than I realized.

The damage is my own fault, but it was done through her actions.

I didn't give her the acceptance she needed to stay with me, so she moved on. But when she stopped seeing me to see someone else she took all the security & trust I had in her & crumpled it. It wasn't a case of being ground level, it was subterranean. I wasn't the most important guy in her life anymore as I had thought I would be for some time. I knew she'd abandon me because she did. That led me to wonder if she gave a damn about me at all or if I was just serving some material or emotional purpose in her life. In other words it left me feeling used & unwanted.

But I didn't realize this consciously therefore I didn't seek to address it. I tried to do what Jean had done to me; forgive & forget. In theory that's fine & I'm all in favor of forgiveness. But if you wish to continue any sort of relationship, be it platonic or intimate, then you have to deal with those emotions & let the other person know they're there.

She didn't leave him then but assured me that she cared & wanted us to stay in touch. She did so in such a way that I knew her decision wasn't permanent & likely wouldn't last long. She wanted us to keep in touch even if I moved because she said we could never know what would happen down the road.

She liked the idea of having me as an option even if she didn't want to pursue that option. Not that her intent was to use me, but that she felt some sort of security & caring from me that she didn't want to lose, even if our contact was minimal.

What I did next was almost as bad as what I had done (in sending her the declatory letter). I sent her another e-mail that was no more than a plea for attention wrapped up in an apology. I wouldn't quite say it was passive aggressive but it was emotionally manipulative. I didn't consciously intend for it to be so but that's how it came out.

We saw each other a week later & she told me she had broken up with her b/f. she also told me that the last e-mail was bullshit & I agreed. But we never really discussed why it was bullshit or what was underlying it. That was because I started being affectionate with her from almost the second she told me she was single.

It's not just that I'm physically attracted to her; it's that emotionally & mentally I need to be affectionate with her. Not just to gain her acceptance in my mind, but to show my acceptance of her. I care for her greatly & I manifest that as being physically affectionate.

I also did something I had meant to do a year before but never quite gotten around to it (though I came close a time or two); I told her that I loved her. I spoke the words.

I had told other people I loved them before during & since I was seeing JAG in '05. & I meant it every single time. But with her it was slightly different. It was more intense, more passionate and more hopeful than with anyone else. The feeling I mean, not my enunciation. She never said anything but instead kissed me, very passionately.

I could have seduced her, or came very close, but I reasoned that she was too newly broken up with her ex & it might do more harm than good to her & to us. so I held back.

Our visit that night did two things two her that served to freak her out: It reminded her that even though it'd been more than a year since we saw each other that she was still very strongly attracted to me & that I ad control of things in that regard. She had a hard time saying no to me & likely if I'd have pursued things she wouldn't have said no. But I could stop myself. I'm not sure which bothered her more but I'd think it was the latter.

She stood me up a few weeks later. I didn't hear from her for 10 days & I was greatly troubled by this, all out of proportion to what it was. This was due to my being overly sensitive to loss because of Frankie's passing, coupled with the abandonment concerns that I had. I could not fathom why she didn't want me in her life or why she'd cast me out of hers in such a way.

When she came back around I was again too forgiving. Not that I should have busted her chops about it but we should have talked about what she did & why she did it & the effect it had on me. But I still didn’t realize that the security I had with her had been damaged so much. This furthered the damage, again unbeknownst to me consciously.

She had disappeared because she was under great emotional strain & just couldn't deal with any of it. She withdrew from everyone except her family. I think part of this was she felt out of control of her emotions. She didn't want to be in any situation where her emotions would inspire actions that she might not want otherwise. It just freaked her out that the bond she had to me was as strong as it was. She coached it in terms of a physical attraction but there was more to it than that; it was emotional as well.

But I had done damage to her first; I didn't give her acceptance when she wanted it. So for her to feel a strong attraction to someone who hadn't given her acceptance was dangerous to her emotionally.

We saw each other a few weeks later but instead of talking about our situation we became involved again, albeit casually.

Fast forwarding over the next few months we saw each other a few times. We fell out (albeit mildly) once. I had written her a letter while I was upset & uncertain of her intent towards me. I was feeling like a lower priority than I thought I should have & clumsily tried to express my disappointment at that. she took offense to the letter in some way & avoided me for about a week. When she called she said we had differing expectations & she wished for us to be nothing but friends.

A caveat - she & I have never been platonic when in each other's presence; save the night we first met. She still called us friends during those periods where we were involved.

I freaked out. Not outwardly but internally. I thought she was telling me she didn't care & I just couldn't accept that when I was so certain of her caring at times. She called back a few days later & we sorted that out, albeit loosely. We agreed to be platonic for a while & that I would give her space.

What happened on her end was that she was stressed & feeling pressured & thought I was about to become possessive of her. Whatever her feelings for me were she didn't want to be possessed or tied down in any way. Not that she was out with a different guy every night, but she liked having the freedom of not being expected to do or not do something. She wanted to build her life again. She saw me as a threat to that in some way & she started to become more withdrawn from me from that point on (actually about a week prior).

In any case we saw each other a few times, always at her request. I was playing it as cool as I could & thought I was doing a good job. The last time we saw each other though things didn't go well for her.

Without going into too much detail you can tell someone that you accept them but that is no substitute for actions showing that acceptance. Despite wanting to i could not act in a manner that she would have viewed as me being accepting of her. This distressed her to the point of tears. In addition I had trouble sleeping & kept waking her u so the next day I felt I had wore out my welcome, though she contended that she was just being grumpy.

Again I had been a bit too clingy though honestly I thought things went okay until the point of contention arouse. The night before she tried to talk to me about us. She coached it in astrological terms, "I'm a Sagittarius & you're a Scorpio". She explained that this mean she was light while I was heavy & dark.

What I believe she was trying to get out was that we had some differences that troubled her & made her think we were incompatible. But it was her timing that made me think it was something deeper than that. We had a less than pleasant evening & she was still upset with me over it. So she tried to rationalize why she had given up on gaining my acceptance & it came out in her mind as she & I being not as compatible as she needed.

I mean that while she probably meant what she was trying to tell me that the reason she felt that way was because I had once again failed to give her the acceptance she needed from me, though this time it was more physical than emotional.

We talked after that night & I think we both thought we had straightened things out to the point that we were cool.

Then she distanced herself from me. I didn't see it as that at the time but looking back I can reach no other conclusion from her lack of contact. It led to her ignoring me on my b-day & me not taking that well.

I saw it as a rejection of the worst sort; how could she care if she couldn't even see me or at least call me on my b-day? So I went into fight or flight mode landing firmly on flight.

My message was cryptic but I disassociated myself from her that night.

The next day she disassociated herself from me, though with some ambiguity. she never said she wanted to break off all contact, though she never said she wished to stay in touch. But her letter was so defensive it was attacking me. It did a pretty good job of shifting the responsibility of her actions from her to me. I didn't respond.

What she was going through was simple: too much stress. Her solution was to do something that she reasonably should have known would cause us to disassociate, either by my doing it directly or giving her an excuse to speak the words. In other words she wanted to sever ties with me so she blew me off on my b-day.

Why did she wish to sever ties with me? Because we both cared.

I was more open about it than she was & I'll admit that I cared more about her than she probably felt she did about me. But she cared. In fact I'd say it was love at least in its minimal state. Consciously she didn't want that though. She didn't feel she had time for the demands a relationship would have placed on her, or perhaps the emotional energy to fight being placed into a cage. I couldn't be just her friend any more than she could just be mine. The way we were intimate was as much emotional & intellectual as it was physical & to her would have been to draining, too consuming to let continue.

So she dissed me the most efficient way she knew how - subconsciously. I'm sure that if asked she'd give the excuses given in her last e-mail to me; that she had a clinical & tons of homework & tests to study for & didn’t have the time to see me. & I knew her schedule would be tight (though not quite as tight as she told me in the last e-mail). But she could have made 20 minutes to see me or for me to come to her or to at least call.

In any case she intended for us not to see each other anymore. That it came about in such an uncool way was probably not what she foresaw but I think that at least on a subconscious level it was a deliberate action geared towards a specific result.

I wrote her a few weeks later saying I'd be willing to talk if she was but I never heard a reply. That was coming from an odd place I'm not even sure I could describe, but I saw her as being lonely & despite my feeling that she didn't give a fuck if I lived or died I couldn't bear thinking of her in that condition. I botched up any meaningful communication of that idea though. I really don't write well when I'm feeling overly emotional.

So what I think happened was that we both cared but I was skittish about commitment because I was afraid of her rejecting me which led to me not giving her the acceptance she needed form me at the time which led to her abandoning me which led to me feeling a lack of security & priority with her which led to my being overly clingy & giving her the impression that I wanted to possess or use her which led to her abandoning me again to avoid being emotionally caged which led to me feeling that she just didn't care at all.

Funny thing is I think we still care greatly for each other.

You can look through the pages of this blog & see that I have not lost my caring for her one bit despite not being thrilled with the situation. whether my conclusions are right or wrong it should be obvious from the time I put into trying to figure her out that I wouldn't have done so if my feelings for her were not deep. As for her; she still visits my other site. I rarely talk about anything personal or of deep interest to her yet she visits as a way of keeping a bit of an emotional bond with me (I think).

The other funny thing is that we aren't speaking at all so we cannot discuss any of the above. I'm sure I'm not 100% right in my assessment of things but without her input there's no way to tell for sure.