I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

I have 3 beers in my fridge. I don't drink beer. Never have.

I bought them on November 3rd. They're a Russian import called Baltica. I bought them for her for my b-day.

I screwed around a little that day. I went shooting which I hadn't done in forever, then drove around the mountains for a spell & headed back home. I stopped by Joe's Crab Shack & blew I forget how much on a to-go order. I bought enough for two.

I never ate it. The beers still sit in my fridge, as does the coffee I bought in September (I don’t' drink coffee either).

At 10 p.m. I opened the doors to air out the place. After freezing my ass off for 30 minutes I closed the house tight & cranked the heat way up. I lit candles & lamps & had the music engine on something chill.

I had invited her over & thought i stressed that it was real important to me. I'd talked with her before about how my b-day was something important to me. Since I never heard back from her I assumed we were on.

She had a clinical (she's a nursing student) & wouldn't be out till about 11:30p.m. By 12:30 a.m. I called her & left a brief message. By 1 a.m. I called again I left a slightly longer one that was a tad distraught. By 3 a.m. I was tore up.

She wrote the next day saying I expected too much from her & that she was only a friend & that she thought I was crazy for thinking she could have made it. She went on to list all the things she had going on (mostly school related) & how stressed she was & as an after thought mentioned that maybe she should have told me she didn't plan on coming.

I didn't reply. What the fuck could I say? It was obvious she didn't give a damn, even as a friend.

To be fair I wouldn't have been happy but if she'd have just fucking called to wish me a happy b-day I would have been in better shape. If she could have made it over for 15 minutes that's all I'd have needed. It wasn’t about getting laid - it was just about knowing someone I cared about cared fucking back - cared enough to put forth a little effort on my b-day.

Hell I went out of my way for her on hers & would have gone further - & she was dating someone else at the time.

If she couldn't have made it over she could have invited me over there. Again only 15 minutes or so would have been cool enough. & if for some fucked up unconceivable reason she couldn't have made it she could have at least called - not to tell me she wasn't coming but just to say, "hey - i can't make it & I know that disappoints you but I'm thinking fondly of you & want you to have fun. happy b-day & sometime next week I'll try to make some time to see you & we'll celebrate it then". It'd have taken all of 5 minutes to call & say that.

That's what fucked me up; the girl I thought cared acted like she didn't. It's still hard to imagine that she doesn't but what other conclusion can I come to, or at least act upon?

But I haven't acted upon it. I haven't slept with anyone but her since early August - when she came around again. I turned down 3 women from August till late October. That'd be cool & all but I haven't seen her since October 20th. I've turned down a couple since then. I tried getting back into the game & for about two weeks I was hitting the dating sites & going about my usual routine, but when I came close to meeting someone I backed off.

I just don't want anyone but her. It's not the way she looks or the way she fucks or any of that - it's just something about her. I love her mind; the way she thinks & talks & doesn't talk & types. The way she moves& the way she... you get the idea. Physically she's beautiful but she could gain 100 pounds & be disfigured & I'd still feel the same about her. & I don't know why - it's all out of proportion to the sum of her parts, but that's just the way it is.

Even after she dissed me on my b-day I still care for her & want to work things out somehow. Not that I see much hope in that, but I'm just not moving on yet. I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now but I'm just not motivated. About anything really. I work, come home & write a little & eat. That's about it. & I talk to myself a lot, but not too many real people hear my voice these days. At work they're used to it by now. If I speak it's because it's absolutely necessary. I admit it freaked them out at first but I think they either understand or don't let it bother them anymore as long as I do my job.

My fucking job. That's another rant.

But that's the event that caused me to stumble. A little girl disregarded me & now I'm disregarding myself.

I mean hell I lived with KS for years - dated her longer than all the other women in my life combined & she cared, but she never really loved me. With JAG I felt more caring slip from her than I'd felt from anyone in ages. I'd have bet money that she loved me on some basic level. She cared as a friend & was attracted to me. Mingled with some sort of respect or admiration & that's my simplest definition of love.

But if KS couldn't love me after years of knowing me, & JAG couldn't give a damn about me after us knowing each other so intimately, then who the fuck can?

I dunno. I know why I'm taking all this so hard & it has a lot to do with some baggage I didn’t realize I had but knowing why something happened isn’t much of a consolation if you can't act to correct things.

& ya know I never wanted anything more than for JAG & I to have a chance. I didn't think anything was set in stone or it was guaranteed to work, I just thought if we both tried it was worth seeing what happened. It hurts that I've lost her, not just cause I cared for her as a friend or lover or potential g/f, but because I cared for her.

& I have a whole week off of work to dwell on this like I know I will. I needed a vacation anyway but I still see it as wasted time - time she & I could spend having fun. I guess that's the downside of being a romantic. Or being sentimental. Or being semi-mental.

If you've made it this far through my whining you deserve a treat. Here's the Elton John vid. & yes; things can only get better, but that's no consolation for losing her like this. Or for losing myself.