Elton Was Right

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever.
Between you & me I can honestly say that things can only get better."

Ayup. Things can't get much worse. We're not speaking to each other at all. I've been avoiding Yahoo Messenger because it bugs me when I see her on & know we ain't going to IM each other. Hell I've been avoiding being at home when I think she's going to be online. If I get out of work at 11:30 p.m. I fuck around for a while then come home & turn on a movie till at least 1 or sometimes 2 a.m.

Today was 3 months since I've seen her. In a few days it'll be 3 months since we've communicated in real time. & in a few weeks it'll be 3 months since we've fallen out.

I checked out her MySpace page once in mid November but not since. I checked out her yahoo personals profile a few times but by early December I stopped hitting yahoo Personals at all. I tore down my page anyway. It got to me that she'd always come up in the top 5 of my searches. Usually as a "5 heart match". Not sure if it's ironic but it did sting a bit. I figure if she wants me to know about her life she'll call. If she doesn't - well I'm not a stalker, or a spy. Besides, no point in looking in on her. If she needed anything from me she'd be in touch wouldn't she? Or maybe her sister would actually get in touch in her stead if JAG's need was great. In any case I'm not up to reading about how cool her life is going w/o me in it. Petty maybe but we all have pettiness about us in some things. & it’s not that I don't wish her happiness, I just don't want to be a spectator if I'm not directly involved.

3 months & not a word from her. Maybe that's just the way life is, but I thought she & I had a deeper connection than that. Deep enough that if we did stop speaking it'd have been on better terms.

Something I dwell on more than I should is that I'm pretty sure she still checks out my site. My other site, the one where I'm anonymous & I don't talk about my personal life. & it's cool if she gets any enjoyment out of my scribbling but I do wonder why the hell she's hanging on to me that way. Does she actually care but just think things are too messed up to contact me at the moment? Does she feel guilty & just want to make sure I'm alive & pissed about politics? Or is she hoping to see some kind of sign from my site that she'll take as meaning it's cool to completely abandon me or to get back in touch again?

I could always ask her but A: that'd mean I'd have to approach her & B: that might make her stop dropping by.

The first is my pride. Yeah I know, goeth before a fall & all that. But man has to have some pride about his life doesn't he? Even if it's not especially a cool kind of pride, some is better than none right?

The second - as fucked up as I am I never wished harm on anyone I cared for despite their actions towards me. & even more than that I honestly want those I care for to be happy. If her reading my site brings her some kind of comfort or security or peace or happiness then I would not take that away from her.

Though I have noticed in some post over there I write as if she's my target (& perhaps sole) audience). The latter might not be too far from the truth; I get about 250 hits a day but a lot of those are search engine results leading folks to me. Any readers are better than no readers but that'd mean less than half of my traffic is deliberate. & of those that do come to me on purpose I have no idea how many are daily readers or weekly readers.

I'm just sure she hits me 4 or 5 times a week. Hell she even left a comment on another site I pointed to the other day. I recognized the way she typed, the way she phrased. Which is fucked up because that's part of why I care for her - her mind & the way she thinks. Not that she's not fine as hell – she is, but that wouldn't matter to me in her case.

So 3 months have gone by. Will it be 3 more? Or 3 more years? Or will she pull her head out of her ass only to find that I've passed on? It's not like odds are in favor of me reaching retirement age or anything. Maybe I tend to be dramatic about my own mortality but genetics & my habits are not in my favor.

In any case i am thinking of her, fondly & aggravatedly. We could have had so much fun since then, & maybe arrived at something cooler than we had. But her actions & my pride fucked that up. For the time being & perhaps eternally.

Still I'm thinking of her when I should be 2 or 3 flings distant by now. Out of all my faults, & there are many to choose from, she shouldn't ever think not caring or feeling some sort of devotion is one of them.

3 months really isn't that long, unless you miss someone deeply then it's an eternity. (yeah that was a bit dramatic but it flowed nicely as a phrase don't you think?) I'm hoping that it won't be another 3 months, or that in October of 2007 I'm able to send her an "anti-versary" e-mail like I did last July. But hoping won't accomplish much. She knows I'd like to talk & she knows I won't instigate contact. Her court, her decision, etc...

Things can only get better. Not that they will but from the ground the only direction left to go is up.