Harrington

It all starts when I'm 2 months old.

Frankie & Johnny had been having some problems & Frankie went to try to work things out with him. She left me with Jean & Frank & that's where I stayed. I asked her once why she didn't take me with her & she said that every time she tried I'd fight to stay with Jean & Frank. This was true, but not until I was a bit older - say 4 or 5. But that was all the answer I got from her. I asked Johnny once & he said he wanted to but every time he mentioned it Frankie just said, "no; he's fine with mama & daddy".

So my grandparents became my parents, which created a very odd family dynamic. I didn't really view Frankie & Maria as my mother an aunt - it was more like two older sisters. Well kinda. But it never really bothered me; Jean & Frank were great. They gave me all the love & security that anyone could need & I always reasoned that it worked out better for me & for them.

Of course this situation did create problems. Frankie & I had a very stoic relationship. She wasn't the most emotionally expressive person to begin with. When we'd talk she'd either be neutral or angry. So I picked up on that & did her one better - I was either neutral or a smart ass.

By the time I was 13 frank was starting to decline. So I ended up quitting school when I turned 16 in part to take care of him but also in part to pursue the music career I was starting. By the time I was 17 I was doing CNA type work on him - changing compression stockings, administering meds, cleaning him up, etc... I would carry him to Maria's car whenever he had a doctor's appointment. One of the last times I did this I was greatly worried that he wasn't going to come home. I told him I loved him like I had a few dozen times before that year & he looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes & said, "I love you too Michael". To this day it's the level of sincerity that I use to judge all others.

He died when I was 18. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed but they told me he went peacefully. He just stopped breathing. He didn't talk much to begin with & hadn't said anything for several hours that day when he asked Maria & Frankie if I had any good pants to wear to his funeral. They told him I did & that was the last he spoke. A few hours later he passed.

Jean went to live with Maria & she did okay for a while. But she started to decline when I was getting near 21. I tried to go there & tend to her as i did Frank but I don't think I did as much for her as I could or should have. She went into a nursing home that October & in November she passed.

Before she started getting too sick I took her to KFC one day. She loved their mashed potatoes. I talked with her & told her I was real sorry about all the arguing & fussing I had done with her as I was growing up. She just looked out the window & said, "I don't remember any of that". So from her in her last days I learned about forgiveness towards those you care for.

When she passed I was on my own. I started to feel the loss of the security they had provided for me. I didn't speak to anyone in the family for months after her funeral.

Frank & I were arguing once & he told me to stand over his grave & make sure he was buried. I forget the context - it very well could have been a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" type thing but I took it literally. Jean said something similar so with both of them I stood over their graves & made sure the dirt was poured on them. With Frank it was a pleasant day weather-wise. With Jean it was raining. I stayed for both of them because it was the last thing I felt I could do for them in this world - keeping a promise that probably wasn't meant to be kept in the first place.

Anyway I've been on my own ever since. I never went back to college after Jean passed, instead gigging as much as I could. Before too long I was doing it as a career. I did so until I moved halfway across the country, then I just stopped. Since then I've mainly been delivering pizzas for a living.

& I started writing. It doesn't pay a damn thing but I've spent a great deal of time writing, first in chat rooms (where I learned how to type) then in forums & finally on blogs.

& that's where I am today career wise. I'm delivering pizzas & writing on two blogs - one about a specific field & the other is this one, which is mainly my musing & whining about life. There's more to tell about me than what I've written so far but I'll save that for another post. This is just the background to give you an idea of where I come from - or more precisely how I became who I was & might still be.