Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales

Well really it's just the one tale but it has multiple parts. I'll start with the most recent component:

I was going to go to an open jam on JAG's b-day. I had told her (albeit discreetly & cryptically & with no certainty that she got the message) that I'd be there & if she liked I'd play for her. It was a decent bar with a good band hosting the jam. It's mainly a blues jam but I grew up playing blues & it was probably going to be a cool thing. Besides I'd gotten them to do some light jazz before so if I got tired of I-IV-V's I could fall back on some Herbie Hancock or something. I got there around 10 p.m. & noticed they'd closed due to the weather. I was bummed not just because it was going to be the first time I played anything in a month & a half but because I might have been able to make JAG's b-day a little happier. That was probably the last kick while I was already on the ground but the story won't make sense until you know what went on before...

I had an audition on November 2nd. It was for a heavy old school dance band. Earth, Wind & Fire; Chaka; Prince; Kool & the Gang; etc. The cash was right & so was the calendar (it was full & I like to work as much as possible when I'm gigging). They sent me a list of about 50 tunes & without doing any practice at all I knew about 30 of them. This wasn't right up my alley; it was that little crook in the side wall of my alley. I'd been playing this stuff since some of it was top 40. & of all the styles I play this is one which I do really well at. If it's not my best then it's tied with whatever is. I played my first heavy dance band in 1989 & - well I'm getting off topic.

So they were impressed that I already knew enough tunes to get through an entire show from jump street (that's old school southern jive for "right off the bat"). The first tune we did was Kiss by Prince. This is one of the tunes I'm at my funkiest on. They were impressed. We went on to Smooth by Santana. i had taught a show band I was in how to play the damn song a few weeks after it came out - I even charted it out for them (including horn parts) so I was solid on that. The bass player kept leaning over my amp during the bridge. The second time around he looked up & grinned at the singer & said "this little scraggly motherfucker's got the right chords!". I knew I was in.

We did Brick House by the Commodores, Chameleon by Herbie Hancock & finished things up with Ain't Nobody by Chaka (a tune I do deeply dig - so much that I haven't listened to it again until tonight). I was doing a blend of the keyboard & guitar parts (since their board player couldn't make it) & again that impressed them. They dug the way I played & I didn't have any doubts that I had the gig.

I don't usually brag about things or even mention shit like that before it's solid - solid meaning I have a date on the calendar - but I called JAG on the 3rd to tell her about it cause I was psyched - she'd be seeing me really play soon & that meant something to me, almost as much as me getting to really play for anyone. I got her machine. I didn't mention anything about it in the message I left & she never called back so I can't say I jinxed myself on this one.

I went to see them play that night (the 3rd) & they were tight except their guitar player really didn't suit them. He was good but not style appropriate to what they were doing. Again I thought I was in. They said they'd holler at me when I left.

I waited a week & called them. I got the machine & haven't heard from them since.

That's the music biz. Musicians are the flightiest bunch of motherfuckers to ever feign an aptitude for business.

Since I've been out here I've had 3 gigs. All within a month back in 2003. All the other offers I've gotten the money hasn't been right. I'll take $90 per night but I like to see $100. They were talking $50 to $70. I can make more than that at entry level fast food. I didn't train as much as some fucking doctors do to make that kind of cash. So I don't play below scale.

I've done 1 benefit since I've been here. Back home I'd usually do 2 or 3 a year. One of the coolest I did was an elderly care facility where a guy who ran a band I was gigging in part time had his mother at. The other was another elderly care facility a friend from the open jams played once a week. The sincerity of their appreciation to hear live music was something I've never forgotten, & I've never been shy about doing charity work. I get more out of it than I do from most paying gigs.

But they ain't no charity in a bar. Not when a cover is being charged & whisky costs money. So if I don't get paid right I don't gig.

But the flightiness of musicians:

In 2000 I was playing with these guys - a showband doing old Beach tunes. They wanted me to play for free not just at some fucked up awards show but at a gig in a bar the night before. I registered my objections & they said if I didn't play I was gone. I swallowed my pride & played the gig. I had a bad as hell cold too, but I drove there (4 hour drive), got a room at my own fucking expense & made the gig (thanks to Theraflu tablets). They said not to sweat the awards thing cause it was lip synched anyway (another reason I didn't want to do the damn thing - I've never faked it in my whole fucking career). The sound man gave me a heads up that night that I was gone. A few days later I got a conference call from the owners of the band & I was out. This was in late November so no X-mas gigs for me. No notice outside of the sound guys discreet warning. I'd given at least two weeks notice with every band I've ever played with. Being fired outright with no notice fucked me up for a few months. I ended up leaving the state that spring but not as prepared financially as I would have liked. Sudden unemployment does that to you.

In March of 2000 I had a gig booked. Just a duo with this singer I had been working with, but it was for a fairly well connected agent. We do a decent job & he had an assload of work for us. I knew the hotel we were playing & things were looking up. The singer called me & told me he had car trouble & couldn't make it. I offered to send a cab for him but he declined. I suggested a few other solutions so he could make the gig but he just wanted to go home. I ended up not getting work in that town again for months because of having to cancel on such short notice, but I don't sing & truthfully was counting on the singer for a ride anyway.

In January of 2000 I was doing some theater work - mainly filling in for this guitarist who had another band. I showed up one night to do the gig & the band director met me outside, asked if I got their call & told me I was gone. I asked why & they said they double booked guitar players to fill in for the main guy. I talked my way into a $50 severance (that's after he pulled a fuckin' Glock on me which is another story all by its damn self – he could have at least used a real pistol) but the gig would have paid $100 as would the other half dozen gigs I had booked there. That was a blow.

In the fall of '99 I was putting together bands to play mainly short notice gigs at this bar. After about a month of being the resident guitarist they started to book me in advance. I had this tight little 4 piece blues thing booked one weekend. it was a long weekend as Halloween fell on that Sunday. Come Sunday the bar owner is there (I had been dealing with the bartender who managed the club) & she told me that they'd double booked & since we'd played two nights they were going to let the other guys play that night. The bartender was pissed because this effected her reputation & I was livid because I didn't see how the bar owner's mistake should effect our contract. In the end I talked her into paying me 3/4's of what we would have made & I paid the band what they would have made. Not a severe blow but I had counted on 3 nights of work & only got paid for 2 with rent coming up.

In the spring of '99 I was working a pool gig with this trio. Me, a phenomenal bass player, singer/sax player & a drum machine (I'm not proud of it but a pool gig is a pool gig). I spent hours getting the right patterns for the drum machine & I was controlling it for the first few weeks (until the bass player wanted to play with it). The singer/sax player was an alright guy as long as you weren't doing business with him. For some reason he didn't care for me. Anyway he was mediocre at best & his timing was always off. No biggie except he blamed me for it (& I checked with the bass player who was a better musician than I was & he agreed that my timing was solid; it was the singer/sax player's that was off). That was even cool until he told me he was going to knock my pay down from $90 a day to $75 till I fixed my timing problems. I told him I needed a two weeks notice before he touched my pay & he agreed so I immediately put in my two weeks notice. I wasn't going to play that far below scale for a fucking pool gig. But because of his being an ass (he gave an unsolicited bad recommendation of me to a band I was talking to a few weeks later) I didn't have a meaningful gig for the rest of the summer. I hadn't looked because I had something sown up & by the time I was looking at a two week notice everything had been taken except the one band that he talked into turning me down.

In early '99 I had the same house gig I had a few months before. Thing about house gigs is they're cool while they last but if you don't get a month's notice then you're out of work as most bars book at least a month in advance. We played Wednesday through Saturday. One Saturday the bar owner walked in & told us we were out & had to have our equipment out of the club by that Tuesday. We ended up not working for about 6 weeks.

In late '98 I was living with GAvO. I had a house gig 4 nights a week & things were alright. I got a phone call from a cruise ship band. They wanted me to do a few months with them. The cash was right & everything sounded cool. I should note that when they called the first question they asked me wasn't about how I played or how I worked. They said, "are you cute?". Of course I lied my ass off - hell yeah I'm cute. :)

Anyway the plan was GAvO would move into a one bedroom place & I'd store my stuff with her, hitting her couch a few weeks out of the year. I sold my car, gave notice with my band & was two weeks away from jumping a bus to Miami. The night I gave my notice they called & asked if I could sing Sinatra. I said nope. They said that they had a change in venue & didn't need a guitar player anymore but needed someone who could sing Sinatra & since I couldn't then the offer was withdrawn.

Needless to say that fucked me up in more ways than one. None of them pleasantly.

In early ‘98 I was playing with this guy mainly doing duo work. I knew the manager at a hotel where he was playing & talked them into expanding their Sunday budget so I could do the gig with him instead of him just doing a solo act. I knew what the cash was; he was getting $150 as a single. They gave him $300 to make it a double. At the end of he first gig I'm expecting $150. I got $100. He reasoned since he owned the PA he should get more. Turns out he'd been doing that to me with every fucking gig we played. A few weeks after that he gave me a two week notice that I was out, which was decent of him. It should have been expected but considering how other musicians are it was a cool thing amidst an uncool thing. But still it left me gigless for a while.

In '96 I was playing for this guy on salary. I was thinking of moving to L.A. to hang w/ my girl SD but wanted to save some cash before hitting Cali. Well things were going alright till July & August, when we lost two weeks of work to hurricanes & another couple of weeks the band leader told us that we "didn't make salary". Didn't make salary? I think the concept of salary escaped him but nevertheless we were out cash. About a month's pay in all & that was a hit that I couldn't just get over very quickly. Cali was out by that point anyway.

In ‘96 earlier in the year I'd busted my ass to get my passport. Why? The guys I was playing with had some connections & a mini-tour of Israel was planned. It fell through.

In ‘95 I drove 4 hours to audition at a resort. My whole band did actually. We thought we had things sown up & were getting ready to move. 2 weeks before we were supposed to start playing (& two weeks after we'd given notice where we lived, etc...) the band director called us over to his place. He was in tears cause he got a call early that morning saying the deal was off.

Again fucked up plans.

I could go on but it'd not be too different in direction than what I've laid out so far. Looking back I can't say the music biz has been great to me. I've had some really cool gigs & played some really nice places with some really hot bands & seen appreciation from my audience. & the traveling was cool (when it wasn't a curse). But I've been doing this bullshit since I was 15. I've played for people & ran my own bands. It takes some motivation to brave the bullshit that the music biz entails & after the last bit of professional rejection I just can't say I have that motivation. I might get it back one day but for now I'm - well I'm not cool with not playing, but I'm more than cool with not dealing with musicians.

Still I miss the playing so I know it'll just be a matter of time before I succumb to the temptation to give it another try. I don't know if that makes me admirably persistent or pitifully foolish. Maybe musicians have to be both? & maybe one day I'll be a musician again. Just not today.