Work Related Bitching

I really don't like my job. It's not the job itself it's the bullshit involved.

I deliver pizzas. I've been doing it full time for the past 5 years or so. The work itself ain't bad as long as you don't have something else you could be doing. I do or did & it kind of gets to me at times.

The cooks play the radio too fucking loud. I keep cutting it down & they keep cutting it back up when I leave. When I'm trying to take an order it's a pain in the ass. But even when I'm not I really don't want to hear music.

I snapped at FB the other day - well not snapped but he's kind of introverted so that's how he took it. I turned the radio down & he asked why I did that so I said, "If I wanted to listen to music while I worked I'd be a fucking musician wouldn't I?" which I think sums up my discontent at the office.

But then again I haven't made any efforts since November to be a musician. Hell I haven't even picked up my guitar since November 4th. Not something I'm particularly proud of but I haven't felt the motivation. The phrase "what's the fucking point?" comes to mind every time I look at my axe.

Still it bugs me because while it being honest work it's not what I trained for or spent so many fucking years to be. I didn't miss Friday night dates to learn how to deliver fucking pizzas. Nor did I let relationships that may have been cool slide because I had to take some their fucking pie.

& when there's 3 fucking feet of snow on the ground & it's 10 damn degrees you'd think people would tip wouldn't you?

But it's aggravating. I still don't talk a work unless I have to. It's a shame because J (the driver) & I usually had some good chats, ditto for FB & I think they both think it's something against them. It's not but how do I tell them "I dig talking to you but right now I don't want to talk to anyone while I'm at this fucking place?” Well there's just telling them that but it's easier for me to just keep my mouth shut.

So I dislike my job but I'm not looking for anything else. I keep thinking of moving but I don't think I will. Not just yet anyway. No idea why. Maybe I'm hanging on to the idea that things will work out with JAG somehow? Not likely but possible. I think it's more that I lack motivation.

For a long time I did things for myself. But ever since my grandparents passed I wondered what would motivate me since I didn't have anyone to take care of. I started tending to them when I was 13. By the time I was 17 I was doing the work of a CNA with my grandfather. Anyway they passed & I had no one to care for in the physical sense. I got on with things though I admit it was a shaky start. But I had school then gigs & they kind of added a momentum. When I got out here & lost my axe I chilled. & I got used to that I guess.

Then came KS & I did take care of her in some ways. So when she bailed on me - actually I took care of her long after that - I was on my own again. & JAG - she didn't need me as much as KS did but that's what I thought was beautiful about "us". She wanted me around but wasn't co-dependent.

When she abandoned me I kind of kept going. I had Frankie to worry about I guess even though I couldn't do much for her directly.

In any case I don't have anyone to live for or care for. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't see the reason for putting forth any more effort than I have to if it's just going to be for my fucking self.

Call it some sort of external validation issue if you want, but I need someone that cares as a motivator. When I have that in my life or at least the potential for that I'm fine. Hell I can do great & wondrous things. But minus that - when I'm looking at growing fucking old all by me onesies then I just can't get fired up about things. Life kicks me & I stay down, perhaps take a nap.

& no; that's probably not the healthiest way to look at things but that is what I think I do. I'm a man & I handle things but why go through the hassle of moving when I can be alone & unsatisfied at work right here?

Maybe this will pass. I can't recall ever feeling quite this way before, though I recall shades of it here & there. Some stronger some weaker just never quite the same mix as I'm feeling now.

The bitch is that it's not cool for me to go out & just find someone to latch onto. I have t think that A: they care & B: they're worthy of my caring. Unfortunately right now JAG is the only candidate & - well things have been better between us.

So that's what aggravates me about work. The other stuff - well it's a bullshit job & I know it's a bullshit job & I'm used to dealing with that kind of bullshit. The little things & big things aren't a real hassle to deal with - just minor aggravations. It's why I'm still dealing with it that makes the job so dreaded at times.

There's a brightside though; only 28 more years & I can retire. :)