Angel

Sarah Mclachlan. Here's the vid set to a slideshow about those fallen in battle.

I miss Frankie. On my b-day was about the only time I could expect her to call. She’d call randomly throughout the year but most of the time it was her getting Danny to call then once I was on the line she'd talk to me. But on my b-day she'd call direct.
That's another reason why I needed to hear from JAG on my b-day, but it seems she wasn't there for me.

You know I still miss my friggin' grandparents. It’s not an everyday thing but when they pass through my mind I feel the little "ache" that's left from the big ache I had right after they respectively passed. He's been gone almost 17 years & she's been gone just over 14.

This is why I don't have a cat of my own. When I care I tend to care deeply & when the loss hits it's - well you probably know. I get attached to cats. It’s not as bad as humans but it’s bad enough.

& I like cats damn it. KS's cats were probably my best pals for a long time. & JAG's cat - we never spent a whole lot of time together but I liked the furry little leg scratcher. When I saw JAG's cat for the first time in about a year & a half she comes running up to me meowing loud & rubbing on my shin. JAG told me she only does that when the cat is mad at her for being gone too long. At the time I thought it was cool & might just give JAG an intellectual reason to let me be in her life & her be in mine. Maybe I just do better with cats than people.

But Frankie - we were never really close. Not like a mother & son should be. That was as much my fault as hers I reckon. But still I knew the woman my whole life. Actually a little bit longer than that. I never looked to her for comfort or reassurance because she'd likely as not denied it if I'd have asked but there was a comfort in talking to her. Even when she was chewing me out over something she thought I'd done wrong. Or maybe that on reflection her absence makes me miss the arguments? I dunno.

My problems with JAG weren't due to Frankie's passing. But the way Frankie & I were when she was alive had something to do with it. Or more precisely the things I learned from Frankie effected how I dealt with JAG & everyone else before her. Not in such a way to directly cause anything to end, but enough to influence things for the worse at times.

JAG could have helped me through it though; not the directness of Frankie's passing, but the indirectness of the way Frankie & I lived. I just needed someone to care; to show it; to demonstrate that they weren't going to bail & they'd give me a little emotional support if I needed it. Maybe I'll write more about that later when I'm not so tired & bummed.

I hate missing people; especially ones I care for. The only bright side is with JAG there's still a chance at reconciliation. Not a great one but as long as she & I are alive then in theory we could talk about things. The rift Frankie & I had can't ever be repaired because she's gone.

I miss them both. For different reasons & in different ways but the basic sense of loss is still there. I'll get used to it over time but right now it hurts.

I'm going to go try to sleep it off, maybe at least dream about the people & felines I can't touch anymore, but who still touch me.