These are the posts that should give a glimpse into my world, perhaps more so than the other scribblings under this url. They're listed alphabetically.
But I Don't Feel Retarded
Do You Lie?
Extraordniary Machine
FJHW Updated
Harrington
Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry
The Meeting
Selling The Drama
The Slut
Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales
The Why Of Harrington
The Why Of Harrington And JAG
Workin' For A Living
Monday, February 6, 2006
JAG's Page
Posts concerning JAG, listed alphebtically.
Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone
Anytime?
FJHW Updated
JAG
Kissing A Fool
The Meeting
The Why Of Harrington And JAG
The Why Of JAG
Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone
Anytime?
FJHW Updated
JAG
Kissing A Fool
The Meeting
The Why Of Harrington And JAG
The Why Of JAG
The Why Of Harrington And JAG
She & I met through a dating service in late February of '05. She was just getting out of a relationship & I was too (though I was still holding on). We thought we were both looking for the same thing (something casual) & we started seeing each other.
The problem was you can't see someone for any length of time unless you either like them or are just using them. Unfortunately we weren't just using each other.
I was trying to be stoic about things even after I knew she cared. But what I didn't realize fully was that I had started to care as well. In fact most of what I'll write I didn't realize at the time or accept in the way I should have. Some of it I've only really understood in the last few weeks.
Anyway she cared & I did too but neither wanted to bring up the idea of things being more serious than they were. She told me simply that she didn't think I wanted anything serious & I had incorrectly assumed the same thing about her. So we saw each other in a casual manner.
What was going on underneath it all was that I had realized that I felt very secure with her, yet I was afraid she'd bail if I brought up the idea of taking things to the next level. In short I ended up waiting too long.
I'm sure she knew I cared to some extent but she concluded that it wasn't enough to make things more than what they were. So she bailed on me when someone else promising came along.
She had wanted acceptance from me. She viewed me as an equal & in some cases admired me & sought a tangible public sign of acceptance from me. A big declaration would have been just the ticket I think, coupled with a commitment but she wanted some acceptance from me that she had more value than just as a casual date. She had went out of her way for me on a few occasions & told me (long after we had stopped seeing each other) that she even felt love for me at some point. But when the acceptance she wanted didn't come she shut those feelings down & decided to move on.
It wasn't devastating when she did so. I didn't lose sleep over it or otherwise suffer ill effects. That's because I went numb. I was close to working up the courage to ask her for something more serious & had broken all ties with any other romantic interests. I had been seeing only her for about a month (& she had seen no one else but me the entire time, aside from a date or two towards the end). But even then I didn't realize how much I cared, just that I cared more than a little. I also didn't realize the effect of her actions on me over the next year & a half.
She wished to be friends & stay in touch. I assumed she'd call for a few weeks then as she got more secure in her relationship with the other guy drift away. She didn't.
I was firm that it was not a good idea for us to see each other while she was dating someone else. I told her it was so I wouldn't make a fool of myself if I lost my head & tried to seduce her but in reality I was just too jealous. I simply did not want to see her when she was obligated to someone else. Plus pragmatically if I did try to seduce her (as I probably would have) & she didn't reject my advances then I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship should we ever hook back up. If I did seduce her that'd have created problems for me & her as well as for her & her b/f. In all things I have never wanted to make life more difficult or unpleasant for her.
So we'd talk. Either I'd call her or we'd find each other on messenger. By the fall her schedule was getting full so we didn't talk quite as often but we did make time to catch up with each other every week to ten days or so.
I was dating around but only casually. I wouldn't get involved in anything serious. I thought it was because I just wanted to play the field for a while but in truth it was because I couldn't stop thinking of JAG.
My b-day rolled around & I hear nothing from her. I was hurt by this but played it off because likely she just forgot the day it fell on. Besides, she had a b/f in her life & her b-day hadn't rolled around yet so she didn't know how I expected her to act.
On her b-day I sent her presents & cards & even offered to meet her the night before. I did this at the risk of some emotional damage but it was her b-day & while I was telling myself we would never see each other as lovers again I still cared for her greatly, both as a friend & as someone I was interested in. She ended up canceling because her b/f had made other plans.
After her b-day i didn't hear from her for a few weeks. This was longer than normal & I was getting concerned. She called while I was on a trip & told me her b/f had made an issue of the card I sent because I referred to her as "sweetie". I apologized & we joked & she said she had just been out of town a lot but I knew what was going on.
The nosy as little motherfucker had used my card, something I tried to do to be nice to my friend, as a catalyst for exerting emotional control over her. She hadn't been in touch because she felt some sort of guilt over contacting me, even though she knew his objections were bullshit. so she didn't communicate for a few weeks, either to placate his jealousy or to distance herself from me & any guilt she might have felt under the circumstances.
But I wimped out. With any other friend I'd have cautioned her about such behavior in a b/f. with her I told myself that if I said anything it'd seem like I was trying to get her back & I did not want to interfere in her relationship. So for the sake of feeling righteous about my intent I let her down as a friend.
We didn't talk as much as we had before. Whether this was residual fall out from her b/f's jealousy or a result of timing I don't know. She would send me articles about cancer if she thought they would be of interest to me. But we talked in real time only a few times a month at most.
She was living with her b/f by this point & I had 2 women I was seeing on a casual basis. The problem on my end was I couldn't care for them the way I cared for JAG. It was an even bigger problem because I didn't realize this was why I kept things casual. when I was with them I'd often think of her (though unintentionally) & when she & I did chat any mention of her b/f would cause jealousy in me. I'd usually "have to go" suddenly when she mentioned him in some way & it got to the point where she'd say she was sorry at times when she mentioned him.
When Frankie passed she called me. Everyone else I had sent an e-mail to about her passing had replied via e-mail. But JAG called. This was not exceptional except that it had been a while since we talked on the phone & the compassion in her voice was unmistakable. The girl cared about me; that was beyond doubt if it ever was in question.
By late June & throughout July she was calling more often. I thought this was just because she liked to talk to me (& in part it was) but unbeknownst to me she & her b/f were having problems. She never mentioned it to me; we just chatted as we always had. So I think she was calling because she needed something from me. Whether it was some sort of security or acceptance or something else I do not know for certain. It could very well be that she just wanted to hear my voice because she knew I cared about her without demanding anything from her.
In late July she told me that she & her b/f were close to breaking up. When she did something snapped in me. I mean that it triggered the emotions I had for her but had been suppressing all this time. I tried to be cool but I saw my actions as being selfish more than friendly though I tried to be as friend like as I could.
A few days later she told me she was thinking of giving things another try with him. My reaction was perhaps the most selfish & wrong single thing I did with her. I wrote her a big dramatic explanation of my actions & declared my feelings & intentions for her. Why was this wrong you may ask? Because of my motive.
Subconsciously I wanted her to leave him with the intent of seeing me again. this would, in my subconscious mind, erase all the damage she had done. It wouldn't have worked that way but that's what I thought. & the damage was greater than I realized.
The damage is my own fault, but it was done through her actions.
I didn't give her the acceptance she needed to stay with me, so she moved on. But when she stopped seeing me to see someone else she took all the security & trust I had in her & crumpled it. It wasn't a case of being ground level, it was subterranean. I wasn't the most important guy in her life anymore as I had thought I would be for some time. I knew she'd abandon me because she did. That led me to wonder if she gave a damn about me at all or if I was just serving some material or emotional purpose in her life. In other words it left me feeling used & unwanted.
But I didn't realize this consciously therefore I didn't seek to address it. I tried to do what Jean had done to me; forgive & forget. In theory that's fine & I'm all in favor of forgiveness. But if you wish to continue any sort of relationship, be it platonic or intimate, then you have to deal with those emotions & let the other person know they're there.
She didn't leave him then but assured me that she cared & wanted us to stay in touch. She did so in such a way that I knew her decision wasn't permanent & likely wouldn't last long. She wanted us to keep in touch even if I moved because she said we could never know what would happen down the road.
She liked the idea of having me as an option even if she didn't want to pursue that option. Not that her intent was to use me, but that she felt some sort of security & caring from me that she didn't want to lose, even if our contact was minimal.
What I did next was almost as bad as what I had done (in sending her the declatory letter). I sent her another e-mail that was no more than a plea for attention wrapped up in an apology. I wouldn't quite say it was passive aggressive but it was emotionally manipulative. I didn't consciously intend for it to be so but that's how it came out.
We saw each other a week later & she told me she had broken up with her b/f. she also told me that the last e-mail was bullshit & I agreed. But we never really discussed why it was bullshit or what was underlying it. That was because I started being affectionate with her from almost the second she told me she was single.
It's not just that I'm physically attracted to her; it's that emotionally & mentally I need to be affectionate with her. Not just to gain her acceptance in my mind, but to show my acceptance of her. I care for her greatly & I manifest that as being physically affectionate.
I also did something I had meant to do a year before but never quite gotten around to it (though I came close a time or two); I told her that I loved her. I spoke the words.
I had told other people I loved them before during & since I was seeing JAG in '05. & I meant it every single time. But with her it was slightly different. It was more intense, more passionate and more hopeful than with anyone else. The feeling I mean, not my enunciation. She never said anything but instead kissed me, very passionately.
I could have seduced her, or came very close, but I reasoned that she was too newly broken up with her ex & it might do more harm than good to her & to us. so I held back.
Our visit that night did two things two her that served to freak her out: It reminded her that even though it'd been more than a year since we saw each other that she was still very strongly attracted to me & that I ad control of things in that regard. She had a hard time saying no to me & likely if I'd have pursued things she wouldn't have said no. But I could stop myself. I'm not sure which bothered her more but I'd think it was the latter.
She stood me up a few weeks later. I didn't hear from her for 10 days & I was greatly troubled by this, all out of proportion to what it was. This was due to my being overly sensitive to loss because of Frankie's passing, coupled with the abandonment concerns that I had. I could not fathom why she didn't want me in her life or why she'd cast me out of hers in such a way.
When she came back around I was again too forgiving. Not that I should have busted her chops about it but we should have talked about what she did & why she did it & the effect it had on me. But I still didn’t realize that the security I had with her had been damaged so much. This furthered the damage, again unbeknownst to me consciously.
She had disappeared because she was under great emotional strain & just couldn't deal with any of it. She withdrew from everyone except her family. I think part of this was she felt out of control of her emotions. She didn't want to be in any situation where her emotions would inspire actions that she might not want otherwise. It just freaked her out that the bond she had to me was as strong as it was. She coached it in terms of a physical attraction but there was more to it than that; it was emotional as well.
But I had done damage to her first; I didn't give her acceptance when she wanted it. So for her to feel a strong attraction to someone who hadn't given her acceptance was dangerous to her emotionally.
We saw each other a few weeks later but instead of talking about our situation we became involved again, albeit casually.
Fast forwarding over the next few months we saw each other a few times. We fell out (albeit mildly) once. I had written her a letter while I was upset & uncertain of her intent towards me. I was feeling like a lower priority than I thought I should have & clumsily tried to express my disappointment at that. she took offense to the letter in some way & avoided me for about a week. When she called she said we had differing expectations & she wished for us to be nothing but friends.
A caveat - she & I have never been platonic when in each other's presence; save the night we first met. She still called us friends during those periods where we were involved.
I freaked out. Not outwardly but internally. I thought she was telling me she didn't care & I just couldn't accept that when I was so certain of her caring at times. She called back a few days later & we sorted that out, albeit loosely. We agreed to be platonic for a while & that I would give her space.
What happened on her end was that she was stressed & feeling pressured & thought I was about to become possessive of her. Whatever her feelings for me were she didn't want to be possessed or tied down in any way. Not that she was out with a different guy every night, but she liked having the freedom of not being expected to do or not do something. She wanted to build her life again. She saw me as a threat to that in some way & she started to become more withdrawn from me from that point on (actually about a week prior).
In any case we saw each other a few times, always at her request. I was playing it as cool as I could & thought I was doing a good job. The last time we saw each other though things didn't go well for her.
Without going into too much detail you can tell someone that you accept them but that is no substitute for actions showing that acceptance. Despite wanting to i could not act in a manner that she would have viewed as me being accepting of her. This distressed her to the point of tears. In addition I had trouble sleeping & kept waking her u so the next day I felt I had wore out my welcome, though she contended that she was just being grumpy.
Again I had been a bit too clingy though honestly I thought things went okay until the point of contention arouse. The night before she tried to talk to me about us. She coached it in astrological terms, "I'm a Sagittarius & you're a Scorpio". She explained that this mean she was light while I was heavy & dark.
What I believe she was trying to get out was that we had some differences that troubled her & made her think we were incompatible. But it was her timing that made me think it was something deeper than that. We had a less than pleasant evening & she was still upset with me over it. So she tried to rationalize why she had given up on gaining my acceptance & it came out in her mind as she & I being not as compatible as she needed.
I mean that while she probably meant what she was trying to tell me that the reason she felt that way was because I had once again failed to give her the acceptance she needed from me, though this time it was more physical than emotional.
We talked after that night & I think we both thought we had straightened things out to the point that we were cool.
Then she distanced herself from me. I didn't see it as that at the time but looking back I can reach no other conclusion from her lack of contact. It led to her ignoring me on my b-day & me not taking that well.
I saw it as a rejection of the worst sort; how could she care if she couldn't even see me or at least call me on my b-day? So I went into fight or flight mode landing firmly on flight.
My message was cryptic but I disassociated myself from her that night.
The next day she disassociated herself from me, though with some ambiguity. she never said she wanted to break off all contact, though she never said she wished to stay in touch. But her letter was so defensive it was attacking me. It did a pretty good job of shifting the responsibility of her actions from her to me. I didn't respond.
What she was going through was simple: too much stress. Her solution was to do something that she reasonably should have known would cause us to disassociate, either by my doing it directly or giving her an excuse to speak the words. In other words she wanted to sever ties with me so she blew me off on my b-day.
Why did she wish to sever ties with me? Because we both cared.
I was more open about it than she was & I'll admit that I cared more about her than she probably felt she did about me. But she cared. In fact I'd say it was love at least in its minimal state. Consciously she didn't want that though. She didn't feel she had time for the demands a relationship would have placed on her, or perhaps the emotional energy to fight being placed into a cage. I couldn't be just her friend any more than she could just be mine. The way we were intimate was as much emotional & intellectual as it was physical & to her would have been to draining, too consuming to let continue.
So she dissed me the most efficient way she knew how - subconsciously. I'm sure that if asked she'd give the excuses given in her last e-mail to me; that she had a clinical & tons of homework & tests to study for & didn’t have the time to see me. & I knew her schedule would be tight (though not quite as tight as she told me in the last e-mail). But she could have made 20 minutes to see me or for me to come to her or to at least call.
In any case she intended for us not to see each other anymore. That it came about in such an uncool way was probably not what she foresaw but I think that at least on a subconscious level it was a deliberate action geared towards a specific result.
I wrote her a few weeks later saying I'd be willing to talk if she was but I never heard a reply. That was coming from an odd place I'm not even sure I could describe, but I saw her as being lonely & despite my feeling that she didn't give a fuck if I lived or died I couldn't bear thinking of her in that condition. I botched up any meaningful communication of that idea though. I really don't write well when I'm feeling overly emotional.
So what I think happened was that we both cared but I was skittish about commitment because I was afraid of her rejecting me which led to me not giving her the acceptance she needed form me at the time which led to her abandoning me which led to me feeling a lack of security & priority with her which led to my being overly clingy & giving her the impression that I wanted to possess or use her which led to her abandoning me again to avoid being emotionally caged which led to me feeling that she just didn't care at all.
Funny thing is I think we still care greatly for each other.
You can look through the pages of this blog & see that I have not lost my caring for her one bit despite not being thrilled with the situation. whether my conclusions are right or wrong it should be obvious from the time I put into trying to figure her out that I wouldn't have done so if my feelings for her were not deep. As for her; she still visits my other site. I rarely talk about anything personal or of deep interest to her yet she visits as a way of keeping a bit of an emotional bond with me (I think).
The other funny thing is that we aren't speaking at all so we cannot discuss any of the above. I'm sure I'm not 100% right in my assessment of things but without her input there's no way to tell for sure.
The problem was you can't see someone for any length of time unless you either like them or are just using them. Unfortunately we weren't just using each other.
I was trying to be stoic about things even after I knew she cared. But what I didn't realize fully was that I had started to care as well. In fact most of what I'll write I didn't realize at the time or accept in the way I should have. Some of it I've only really understood in the last few weeks.
Anyway she cared & I did too but neither wanted to bring up the idea of things being more serious than they were. She told me simply that she didn't think I wanted anything serious & I had incorrectly assumed the same thing about her. So we saw each other in a casual manner.
What was going on underneath it all was that I had realized that I felt very secure with her, yet I was afraid she'd bail if I brought up the idea of taking things to the next level. In short I ended up waiting too long.
I'm sure she knew I cared to some extent but she concluded that it wasn't enough to make things more than what they were. So she bailed on me when someone else promising came along.
She had wanted acceptance from me. She viewed me as an equal & in some cases admired me & sought a tangible public sign of acceptance from me. A big declaration would have been just the ticket I think, coupled with a commitment but she wanted some acceptance from me that she had more value than just as a casual date. She had went out of her way for me on a few occasions & told me (long after we had stopped seeing each other) that she even felt love for me at some point. But when the acceptance she wanted didn't come she shut those feelings down & decided to move on.
It wasn't devastating when she did so. I didn't lose sleep over it or otherwise suffer ill effects. That's because I went numb. I was close to working up the courage to ask her for something more serious & had broken all ties with any other romantic interests. I had been seeing only her for about a month (& she had seen no one else but me the entire time, aside from a date or two towards the end). But even then I didn't realize how much I cared, just that I cared more than a little. I also didn't realize the effect of her actions on me over the next year & a half.
She wished to be friends & stay in touch. I assumed she'd call for a few weeks then as she got more secure in her relationship with the other guy drift away. She didn't.
I was firm that it was not a good idea for us to see each other while she was dating someone else. I told her it was so I wouldn't make a fool of myself if I lost my head & tried to seduce her but in reality I was just too jealous. I simply did not want to see her when she was obligated to someone else. Plus pragmatically if I did try to seduce her (as I probably would have) & she didn't reject my advances then I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship should we ever hook back up. If I did seduce her that'd have created problems for me & her as well as for her & her b/f. In all things I have never wanted to make life more difficult or unpleasant for her.
So we'd talk. Either I'd call her or we'd find each other on messenger. By the fall her schedule was getting full so we didn't talk quite as often but we did make time to catch up with each other every week to ten days or so.
I was dating around but only casually. I wouldn't get involved in anything serious. I thought it was because I just wanted to play the field for a while but in truth it was because I couldn't stop thinking of JAG.
My b-day rolled around & I hear nothing from her. I was hurt by this but played it off because likely she just forgot the day it fell on. Besides, she had a b/f in her life & her b-day hadn't rolled around yet so she didn't know how I expected her to act.
On her b-day I sent her presents & cards & even offered to meet her the night before. I did this at the risk of some emotional damage but it was her b-day & while I was telling myself we would never see each other as lovers again I still cared for her greatly, both as a friend & as someone I was interested in. She ended up canceling because her b/f had made other plans.
After her b-day i didn't hear from her for a few weeks. This was longer than normal & I was getting concerned. She called while I was on a trip & told me her b/f had made an issue of the card I sent because I referred to her as "sweetie". I apologized & we joked & she said she had just been out of town a lot but I knew what was going on.
The nosy as little motherfucker had used my card, something I tried to do to be nice to my friend, as a catalyst for exerting emotional control over her. She hadn't been in touch because she felt some sort of guilt over contacting me, even though she knew his objections were bullshit. so she didn't communicate for a few weeks, either to placate his jealousy or to distance herself from me & any guilt she might have felt under the circumstances.
But I wimped out. With any other friend I'd have cautioned her about such behavior in a b/f. with her I told myself that if I said anything it'd seem like I was trying to get her back & I did not want to interfere in her relationship. So for the sake of feeling righteous about my intent I let her down as a friend.
We didn't talk as much as we had before. Whether this was residual fall out from her b/f's jealousy or a result of timing I don't know. She would send me articles about cancer if she thought they would be of interest to me. But we talked in real time only a few times a month at most.
She was living with her b/f by this point & I had 2 women I was seeing on a casual basis. The problem on my end was I couldn't care for them the way I cared for JAG. It was an even bigger problem because I didn't realize this was why I kept things casual. when I was with them I'd often think of her (though unintentionally) & when she & I did chat any mention of her b/f would cause jealousy in me. I'd usually "have to go" suddenly when she mentioned him in some way & it got to the point where she'd say she was sorry at times when she mentioned him.
When Frankie passed she called me. Everyone else I had sent an e-mail to about her passing had replied via e-mail. But JAG called. This was not exceptional except that it had been a while since we talked on the phone & the compassion in her voice was unmistakable. The girl cared about me; that was beyond doubt if it ever was in question.
By late June & throughout July she was calling more often. I thought this was just because she liked to talk to me (& in part it was) but unbeknownst to me she & her b/f were having problems. She never mentioned it to me; we just chatted as we always had. So I think she was calling because she needed something from me. Whether it was some sort of security or acceptance or something else I do not know for certain. It could very well be that she just wanted to hear my voice because she knew I cared about her without demanding anything from her.
In late July she told me that she & her b/f were close to breaking up. When she did something snapped in me. I mean that it triggered the emotions I had for her but had been suppressing all this time. I tried to be cool but I saw my actions as being selfish more than friendly though I tried to be as friend like as I could.
A few days later she told me she was thinking of giving things another try with him. My reaction was perhaps the most selfish & wrong single thing I did with her. I wrote her a big dramatic explanation of my actions & declared my feelings & intentions for her. Why was this wrong you may ask? Because of my motive.
Subconsciously I wanted her to leave him with the intent of seeing me again. this would, in my subconscious mind, erase all the damage she had done. It wouldn't have worked that way but that's what I thought. & the damage was greater than I realized.
The damage is my own fault, but it was done through her actions.
I didn't give her the acceptance she needed to stay with me, so she moved on. But when she stopped seeing me to see someone else she took all the security & trust I had in her & crumpled it. It wasn't a case of being ground level, it was subterranean. I wasn't the most important guy in her life anymore as I had thought I would be for some time. I knew she'd abandon me because she did. That led me to wonder if she gave a damn about me at all or if I was just serving some material or emotional purpose in her life. In other words it left me feeling used & unwanted.
But I didn't realize this consciously therefore I didn't seek to address it. I tried to do what Jean had done to me; forgive & forget. In theory that's fine & I'm all in favor of forgiveness. But if you wish to continue any sort of relationship, be it platonic or intimate, then you have to deal with those emotions & let the other person know they're there.
She didn't leave him then but assured me that she cared & wanted us to stay in touch. She did so in such a way that I knew her decision wasn't permanent & likely wouldn't last long. She wanted us to keep in touch even if I moved because she said we could never know what would happen down the road.
She liked the idea of having me as an option even if she didn't want to pursue that option. Not that her intent was to use me, but that she felt some sort of security & caring from me that she didn't want to lose, even if our contact was minimal.
What I did next was almost as bad as what I had done (in sending her the declatory letter). I sent her another e-mail that was no more than a plea for attention wrapped up in an apology. I wouldn't quite say it was passive aggressive but it was emotionally manipulative. I didn't consciously intend for it to be so but that's how it came out.
We saw each other a week later & she told me she had broken up with her b/f. she also told me that the last e-mail was bullshit & I agreed. But we never really discussed why it was bullshit or what was underlying it. That was because I started being affectionate with her from almost the second she told me she was single.
It's not just that I'm physically attracted to her; it's that emotionally & mentally I need to be affectionate with her. Not just to gain her acceptance in my mind, but to show my acceptance of her. I care for her greatly & I manifest that as being physically affectionate.
I also did something I had meant to do a year before but never quite gotten around to it (though I came close a time or two); I told her that I loved her. I spoke the words.
I had told other people I loved them before during & since I was seeing JAG in '05. & I meant it every single time. But with her it was slightly different. It was more intense, more passionate and more hopeful than with anyone else. The feeling I mean, not my enunciation. She never said anything but instead kissed me, very passionately.
I could have seduced her, or came very close, but I reasoned that she was too newly broken up with her ex & it might do more harm than good to her & to us. so I held back.
Our visit that night did two things two her that served to freak her out: It reminded her that even though it'd been more than a year since we saw each other that she was still very strongly attracted to me & that I ad control of things in that regard. She had a hard time saying no to me & likely if I'd have pursued things she wouldn't have said no. But I could stop myself. I'm not sure which bothered her more but I'd think it was the latter.
She stood me up a few weeks later. I didn't hear from her for 10 days & I was greatly troubled by this, all out of proportion to what it was. This was due to my being overly sensitive to loss because of Frankie's passing, coupled with the abandonment concerns that I had. I could not fathom why she didn't want me in her life or why she'd cast me out of hers in such a way.
When she came back around I was again too forgiving. Not that I should have busted her chops about it but we should have talked about what she did & why she did it & the effect it had on me. But I still didn’t realize that the security I had with her had been damaged so much. This furthered the damage, again unbeknownst to me consciously.
She had disappeared because she was under great emotional strain & just couldn't deal with any of it. She withdrew from everyone except her family. I think part of this was she felt out of control of her emotions. She didn't want to be in any situation where her emotions would inspire actions that she might not want otherwise. It just freaked her out that the bond she had to me was as strong as it was. She coached it in terms of a physical attraction but there was more to it than that; it was emotional as well.
But I had done damage to her first; I didn't give her acceptance when she wanted it. So for her to feel a strong attraction to someone who hadn't given her acceptance was dangerous to her emotionally.
We saw each other a few weeks later but instead of talking about our situation we became involved again, albeit casually.
Fast forwarding over the next few months we saw each other a few times. We fell out (albeit mildly) once. I had written her a letter while I was upset & uncertain of her intent towards me. I was feeling like a lower priority than I thought I should have & clumsily tried to express my disappointment at that. she took offense to the letter in some way & avoided me for about a week. When she called she said we had differing expectations & she wished for us to be nothing but friends.
A caveat - she & I have never been platonic when in each other's presence; save the night we first met. She still called us friends during those periods where we were involved.
I freaked out. Not outwardly but internally. I thought she was telling me she didn't care & I just couldn't accept that when I was so certain of her caring at times. She called back a few days later & we sorted that out, albeit loosely. We agreed to be platonic for a while & that I would give her space.
What happened on her end was that she was stressed & feeling pressured & thought I was about to become possessive of her. Whatever her feelings for me were she didn't want to be possessed or tied down in any way. Not that she was out with a different guy every night, but she liked having the freedom of not being expected to do or not do something. She wanted to build her life again. She saw me as a threat to that in some way & she started to become more withdrawn from me from that point on (actually about a week prior).
In any case we saw each other a few times, always at her request. I was playing it as cool as I could & thought I was doing a good job. The last time we saw each other though things didn't go well for her.
Without going into too much detail you can tell someone that you accept them but that is no substitute for actions showing that acceptance. Despite wanting to i could not act in a manner that she would have viewed as me being accepting of her. This distressed her to the point of tears. In addition I had trouble sleeping & kept waking her u so the next day I felt I had wore out my welcome, though she contended that she was just being grumpy.
Again I had been a bit too clingy though honestly I thought things went okay until the point of contention arouse. The night before she tried to talk to me about us. She coached it in astrological terms, "I'm a Sagittarius & you're a Scorpio". She explained that this mean she was light while I was heavy & dark.
What I believe she was trying to get out was that we had some differences that troubled her & made her think we were incompatible. But it was her timing that made me think it was something deeper than that. We had a less than pleasant evening & she was still upset with me over it. So she tried to rationalize why she had given up on gaining my acceptance & it came out in her mind as she & I being not as compatible as she needed.
I mean that while she probably meant what she was trying to tell me that the reason she felt that way was because I had once again failed to give her the acceptance she needed from me, though this time it was more physical than emotional.
We talked after that night & I think we both thought we had straightened things out to the point that we were cool.
Then she distanced herself from me. I didn't see it as that at the time but looking back I can reach no other conclusion from her lack of contact. It led to her ignoring me on my b-day & me not taking that well.
I saw it as a rejection of the worst sort; how could she care if she couldn't even see me or at least call me on my b-day? So I went into fight or flight mode landing firmly on flight.
My message was cryptic but I disassociated myself from her that night.
The next day she disassociated herself from me, though with some ambiguity. she never said she wanted to break off all contact, though she never said she wished to stay in touch. But her letter was so defensive it was attacking me. It did a pretty good job of shifting the responsibility of her actions from her to me. I didn't respond.
What she was going through was simple: too much stress. Her solution was to do something that she reasonably should have known would cause us to disassociate, either by my doing it directly or giving her an excuse to speak the words. In other words she wanted to sever ties with me so she blew me off on my b-day.
Why did she wish to sever ties with me? Because we both cared.
I was more open about it than she was & I'll admit that I cared more about her than she probably felt she did about me. But she cared. In fact I'd say it was love at least in its minimal state. Consciously she didn't want that though. She didn't feel she had time for the demands a relationship would have placed on her, or perhaps the emotional energy to fight being placed into a cage. I couldn't be just her friend any more than she could just be mine. The way we were intimate was as much emotional & intellectual as it was physical & to her would have been to draining, too consuming to let continue.
So she dissed me the most efficient way she knew how - subconsciously. I'm sure that if asked she'd give the excuses given in her last e-mail to me; that she had a clinical & tons of homework & tests to study for & didn’t have the time to see me. & I knew her schedule would be tight (though not quite as tight as she told me in the last e-mail). But she could have made 20 minutes to see me or for me to come to her or to at least call.
In any case she intended for us not to see each other anymore. That it came about in such an uncool way was probably not what she foresaw but I think that at least on a subconscious level it was a deliberate action geared towards a specific result.
I wrote her a few weeks later saying I'd be willing to talk if she was but I never heard a reply. That was coming from an odd place I'm not even sure I could describe, but I saw her as being lonely & despite my feeling that she didn't give a fuck if I lived or died I couldn't bear thinking of her in that condition. I botched up any meaningful communication of that idea though. I really don't write well when I'm feeling overly emotional.
So what I think happened was that we both cared but I was skittish about commitment because I was afraid of her rejecting me which led to me not giving her the acceptance she needed form me at the time which led to her abandoning me which led to me feeling a lack of security & priority with her which led to my being overly clingy & giving her the impression that I wanted to possess or use her which led to her abandoning me again to avoid being emotionally caged which led to me feeling that she just didn't care at all.
Funny thing is I think we still care greatly for each other.
You can look through the pages of this blog & see that I have not lost my caring for her one bit despite not being thrilled with the situation. whether my conclusions are right or wrong it should be obvious from the time I put into trying to figure her out that I wouldn't have done so if my feelings for her were not deep. As for her; she still visits my other site. I rarely talk about anything personal or of deep interest to her yet she visits as a way of keeping a bit of an emotional bond with me (I think).
The other funny thing is that we aren't speaking at all so we cannot discuss any of the above. I'm sure I'm not 100% right in my assessment of things but without her input there's no way to tell for sure.
The Why Of JAG
I write this with the firm belief that if she ever reads it she'll kick my ass. I was brought up to never disclose the intimate details of a relationship when the other person could be identified. & any time a group of guys would gather together & brag about how they got laid or what tricks they made the unlucky girl perform I've been filled with a desire to give them a redneck-to-idiot translation of "that ain't no way for a gentleman to talk about a lady". I'm not going to be discussing any details like that even with her being safely anonymous. What I will talk about is what I think makes her tick, & that is something just as intimate if not more so than anything else. I've put so much effort into figuring her out not just to understand how to interact with her, but to understand her. I wouldn't go through this if I didn't care about her very much as it's draining to get so far inside another person's head.
One more caveat – these are all things I think she has to deal with but I could very well be misreading her. Even if I’m correct they are not the entirety of her. She has a very wonderful side that really negates any problems the following could cause. In other words these potential detriments do not negate her attributes – in fact they accentuate them. On balance she’s a very cool person & despite the regret I have for our current circumstances I think as much if not more of her & her character as I ever have of anyone.
How do I begin? How do I write about the things that are fucked up about a person I think is the most beautiful being I know?
She is afraid of being abandoned by those she cares for. I think at times she's even done things to elicit abandonment either as a test or to just get it over with (though I'm not sure she's done this consciously). How it usually manifests itself is similar to how my abandonment issues come up; she doesn't let people get close. She simply doesn't let a person love her. She'll date & be in a relationship but it takes much effort for her to overcome her fear of being discarded. I'm not sure if she's ever really let someone in a romantic relationship care for her the way she should be cared for.
She also has problems with how others view her. Physically she's very pretty & has a very nice figure. Intellectually she's very smart. I believe she knows these things, perhaps to the point of seeming arrogant at times but she worries that other people won't see those qualities (& perhaps others). More importantly she wishes for those she accepts to view her positively & recognize her attributes. We all do to some extent or other but with JAG I think it has a little more (though maybe not too much more) influence on her actions than on most people.
The other entanglement that stems from the abandonment problem is acceptance. She wants to be accepted by those she cares for, to the point of doing things out of character for her (to a certain degree).
To give an example she was on a softball team one year. I've never seen her play but from what I know of her I imagine she's at least better than average. But she called me a few times complaining of the injuries she suffered during the games. When I suggested that she take the next game off I could tell my advice was falling on deaf ears. She had been injured during the game & refused to stop playing because her team needed her. Now granted I've done the same thing before in sports & work as have a lot of folks. But I think it gives a decent example of her willing to suffer to some extent in order to gain acceptance of some sort from those she values.
There are other things, mostly minor in nature. She has a quick temper. She's very non-confrontational which leads to some passive-aggressive behavior & she gets upset at times when things don't go as planned. But those are not that big of a deal unless they're fueled by her fear of abandonment or her need for acceptance or recognition.
& I should clarify; none of the above has caused her to do things that are morally or ethically wrong. They've just caused things in her life to not go as well as they perhaps would have otherwise. In some cases they've had little or no effect at all.
But the biggest problem she faces (from what I've seen) is that she's afraid to really care or vice versa because of the chance of the other person leaving her high & dry. So she's guarded & reserved when it comes to being really intimate emotionally. She also has a tendency (from what I've seen) to make less-than-cool choices in partners. Not that she's cruising the prisons as a dating pool, but those she seems to try anything serious with seem emotionally unavailable, & in at least two cases I know of emotionally abusive. Not that they didn't care for her in some way - she's very easy to fall for. It's that she probably is attracted to something about certain men that leads to uncool relationships. & that thing is probably emotional unavailability.
As far as I know she has ended both of the relationships I know the most about (excluding hers & mine) & I would suppose that she reached a point where the emotional cost was simply unequal to the emotional gain. The good times weren't enough to make up for the bad times & the bad times were mainly caused by the guy trying to set conditions on her that he would not submit to himself.
Added on top of that is the emotional abuse she's suffered. (I wouldn't be surprised if she'd even received some physical abuse, although in very small measure & knowing her it'd have only happened a time or two before she left the situation.) The after effects of the manipulation she's been subjected to have made her even more weary than normal of anything serious. In a casual relationship she's probably fine & seems well adjusted, but I think she only presents a certain side of herself when in those. She stays aloof to some degree & when things stop being "fun" she becomes flighty. If things get serious or a guy seems to care too much I think in some cases she views it as insincere behavior or as another form of manipulation.
But she probably views most guys, even those she likes &/or cares for as potentially wanting to use her for some purpose. She simply has a hard time trusting that someone really cares for her instead of the "her" they envision molding her into.
She also seems to have an aversion to emotional responsibility. She just doesn't want to be the reason behind anyone feeling bad (or in some cases good). She has trouble at times making decisions in relationships because she doesn't want to be the one to blame. She has carried this so far as to completely withdraw herself from her friends &/or romantic interests for a period of time.
So a lot of what I see in her actions is the result of her problems dealing with being abandoned & the after effects of some very bad relationships. Not that it's dominated her life in every facet, but I think it's influenced her decisions in relationships more than she realizes.
Course I could be wrong. I could be misunderstanding her & the cause of her actions. But I'll try to justify these conclusions when I post about the problems she & I had in a relationship.
One more caveat – these are all things I think she has to deal with but I could very well be misreading her. Even if I’m correct they are not the entirety of her. She has a very wonderful side that really negates any problems the following could cause. In other words these potential detriments do not negate her attributes – in fact they accentuate them. On balance she’s a very cool person & despite the regret I have for our current circumstances I think as much if not more of her & her character as I ever have of anyone.
How do I begin? How do I write about the things that are fucked up about a person I think is the most beautiful being I know?
She is afraid of being abandoned by those she cares for. I think at times she's even done things to elicit abandonment either as a test or to just get it over with (though I'm not sure she's done this consciously). How it usually manifests itself is similar to how my abandonment issues come up; she doesn't let people get close. She simply doesn't let a person love her. She'll date & be in a relationship but it takes much effort for her to overcome her fear of being discarded. I'm not sure if she's ever really let someone in a romantic relationship care for her the way she should be cared for.
She also has problems with how others view her. Physically she's very pretty & has a very nice figure. Intellectually she's very smart. I believe she knows these things, perhaps to the point of seeming arrogant at times but she worries that other people won't see those qualities (& perhaps others). More importantly she wishes for those she accepts to view her positively & recognize her attributes. We all do to some extent or other but with JAG I think it has a little more (though maybe not too much more) influence on her actions than on most people.
The other entanglement that stems from the abandonment problem is acceptance. She wants to be accepted by those she cares for, to the point of doing things out of character for her (to a certain degree).
To give an example she was on a softball team one year. I've never seen her play but from what I know of her I imagine she's at least better than average. But she called me a few times complaining of the injuries she suffered during the games. When I suggested that she take the next game off I could tell my advice was falling on deaf ears. She had been injured during the game & refused to stop playing because her team needed her. Now granted I've done the same thing before in sports & work as have a lot of folks. But I think it gives a decent example of her willing to suffer to some extent in order to gain acceptance of some sort from those she values.
There are other things, mostly minor in nature. She has a quick temper. She's very non-confrontational which leads to some passive-aggressive behavior & she gets upset at times when things don't go as planned. But those are not that big of a deal unless they're fueled by her fear of abandonment or her need for acceptance or recognition.
& I should clarify; none of the above has caused her to do things that are morally or ethically wrong. They've just caused things in her life to not go as well as they perhaps would have otherwise. In some cases they've had little or no effect at all.
But the biggest problem she faces (from what I've seen) is that she's afraid to really care or vice versa because of the chance of the other person leaving her high & dry. So she's guarded & reserved when it comes to being really intimate emotionally. She also has a tendency (from what I've seen) to make less-than-cool choices in partners. Not that she's cruising the prisons as a dating pool, but those she seems to try anything serious with seem emotionally unavailable, & in at least two cases I know of emotionally abusive. Not that they didn't care for her in some way - she's very easy to fall for. It's that she probably is attracted to something about certain men that leads to uncool relationships. & that thing is probably emotional unavailability.
As far as I know she has ended both of the relationships I know the most about (excluding hers & mine) & I would suppose that she reached a point where the emotional cost was simply unequal to the emotional gain. The good times weren't enough to make up for the bad times & the bad times were mainly caused by the guy trying to set conditions on her that he would not submit to himself.
Added on top of that is the emotional abuse she's suffered. (I wouldn't be surprised if she'd even received some physical abuse, although in very small measure & knowing her it'd have only happened a time or two before she left the situation.) The after effects of the manipulation she's been subjected to have made her even more weary than normal of anything serious. In a casual relationship she's probably fine & seems well adjusted, but I think she only presents a certain side of herself when in those. She stays aloof to some degree & when things stop being "fun" she becomes flighty. If things get serious or a guy seems to care too much I think in some cases she views it as insincere behavior or as another form of manipulation.
But she probably views most guys, even those she likes &/or cares for as potentially wanting to use her for some purpose. She simply has a hard time trusting that someone really cares for her instead of the "her" they envision molding her into.
She also seems to have an aversion to emotional responsibility. She just doesn't want to be the reason behind anyone feeling bad (or in some cases good). She has trouble at times making decisions in relationships because she doesn't want to be the one to blame. She has carried this so far as to completely withdraw herself from her friends &/or romantic interests for a period of time.
So a lot of what I see in her actions is the result of her problems dealing with being abandoned & the after effects of some very bad relationships. Not that it's dominated her life in every facet, but I think it's influenced her decisions in relationships more than she realizes.
Course I could be wrong. I could be misunderstanding her & the cause of her actions. But I'll try to justify these conclusions when I post about the problems she & I had in a relationship.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
The Why Of Harrington
I don't think that the way we're raised explains or excuses all of our behavior. But it does give insight into how we became the people we are. We either accept the upbringing we had or we reject it & sometimes do a combination of both. But I think the following does a good job of explaining why I made the choices I did in the relationships I've had.
I was 2 months old when Frankie left with her parents. I never thought much of it except that I had lucked out (because Jean & Frank were great) but now I see it effected me more than I had thought.
Frankie had Lisa a year & a half after I was born & she kept her. In addition she lived in the same fucking neighborhood I did until I was almost 10. Despite Jean & Frank caring greatly for me this colored the way I'd view relationships. & Jean & Frank added to this through no fault of their own; they were old. From the time I was old enough to understand death I knew they would die & relatively soon.
So underneath whatever I thought on the surface I had the notion that anyone I cared for would either abandon me or simply die.
In addition the relationship Frankie & I had was not a warm one. She had 2 moods with me; neutral or angry. I consequently had 2 moods with her; neutral or smart ass. I knew I'd never gain her acceptance so I didn't try. I also knew I could not depend on her when I needed help. Oddly enough when I needed help she'd usually not come through, but when I didn't need help she'd try to help. I never quite understood that but that's how things played out.
So what this did is it colored my view of people, especially those I cared for & thought cared for me. When I felt secure I was either stoic or slightly happy with them even though inwardly I'd be elated. But it took some time for me to get to the point where I felt secure.
When I wasn't secure I'd either just walk away or I'd try to gain that security through actions. In other words I'd attempt to win their acceptance. I'd often appear clingy while going through a period of insecurity & I probably was being clingy, especially compared with how I normally behaved.
Not that I was totally fucked up or uncaring or possessive; I've been in both situations & acted reasonably considering the circumstances. But I'd excuse behavior too easily at times & become disappointed when that behavior wasn't corrected or the previous security wasn't instantaneous in reappearing.
Another component was my grandparents. I cared for them. I don’t just mean I felt something for them; I mean I tended to their needs. At first it was running that new fangled microwave or reading very fine print but more & more responsibility was added to that as I grew older & they grew weaker. When they passed I was lost for a while because one of the main (if not the main) objects of my life was to take care of my grandparents. After all, they had taken care of me for so long & I felt honored that I could attempt to return the favor (not that I did everything I should have, but I did try). After they passed I had no great purpose, no real reason to exist. I didn’t have anyone to live for, as living for myself just seemed to selfish to qualify as justification for my existence (remember I was only 21 when Jean passed & Frank had been gone 2.5 years by then).
I won't delve into the relationships I had before I was 25 because I was still learning to deal with adults in that way. JD was probably the turning point & from then on I was very weary of who I got involved with. JD was great; she just lost whatever it was she felt for me. It took me a while to get past that & when I did I was probably actually ready to give something serous a try. Not that it happened right away - that weariness thing had set in firmly by then. I simply didn’t let anyone get too close or let myself get too close.
With VA we fell apart because of 2 arguments. I could have repaired things (I think) but I let them slide. I cared for her, even loved her but didn't see myself being secure with her after our falling out. Looking back I doubt I could have lived up to her expectations anyway, so the behavior I learned with Frankie about not even trying to be accepted possibly contributed to things ending.
With KS I never got past Spain. Early in our relationship she took a trip there with her ex-b/f & lied to me about it. I thought I could let it slide & I never brought it up again but I never got past that. It colored how I thought she viewed me & it contributed to me never feeling secure with her again - at least not totally or for long. Whenever she'd mention Spain I'd get upset which should have been a sign that we needed to deal with things, but I thought I was following Jean's example by just trying to forget it so I internalized my feelings. I doubt she ever knew it upset me so much; I never brought it up & we never dealt with it. That had a lot to do with me walking away from her. It also had a lot to do with me continually trying to gain her approval, especially after we broke up.
With JAG it's the same old story. I had built up a lot of security & trust with her, but she threw that away when she stopped seeing me to date someone else in '05. It wasn't that she acted wrongly - it was that she abandoned me for someone else. I didn't realize how much that effected me until a few months ago - after she & I had fallen out. I had been stoic with her to some degree (though not so much that she didn't know I cared to some extent) up until she abandoned me & then I was even more aloof while we were friends. But when she told me she was about to become single again I went in the other direction. I made a big declaration of my affection for her & I think I had hoped that if she left him & came straight to me that it would erase all the damage she had done a year before. It wouldn't have but sometimes we interpret things wrongly & make the wrong conclusions.
But every little slight I could take from her I did. & every little thing that made me think things were cool I took to heart. I was up & down every few days & I over-reacted a few times as well as under-reacted a few times. When I was around her I wasn’t acting like myself. Not that I was totally foreign but I was a bit clingier than I like to be. In short I exaggerated to some extent a lot of her actions & in turn my reactions were exaggerated.
She & I fell out because she ignored me on my b-day. I've always been a little sensitive about b-days & viewed it as a sort of litmus test for caring (based on some previous bad b-day experiences). I thought I communicated this to her well enough so when my b-day passed & I hadn't heard from her my world fell apart.
During the 4 months in '05 that we saw each other I felt as much genuine caring from her as I had from anyone I believe actually ever gave a fuck about me. Enough so that even the loss of security & trust couldn't eradicate my belief that she cared. In fact I tripped out for a few days in September because I thought she had told me that she didn't care & I just couldn't rationalize that with what I knew of her or the world.
With the passing of the b-day came the passing of the belief that I had any sort of security with her, or that she cared about me in any manner. Well the last isn't totally true; I still think she cares & cares deeply but she's not at a point in her life where she'll accept that enough to act upon it in a way I can appreciate.
But my world has been shattered ever since. Not so dramatically that I can't function; just that I have a severe lack of motivation. Again going back to how I interacted with Frankie - if I will never gain someone's acceptance then why try at all?. But it's a little different this time because I just don't feel that the results of any attempts at a relationship will be any different than they have before. I'll snap out of this at some point but for now I can't get motivated to meet anyone new.
This is problematic because of my need to have a greater purpose than myself. Throughout my career as a guitar player I traveled & gigged & dated casually but never got into anything serious (JD was the exception but I wasn’t traveling too often when I was with her). To some extent I had used my career to justify my being; playing guitar wasn’t just what I did, it was who I was. But when I felt comfy enough to get close to someone they became the priority. I mean that despite my appearing to value my career more than anything else I saw nothing being higher in my world than caring for someone & letting them care for me.
An example is that I never turned down a gig if I could possibly make it – except once. JD had driven down to the beach to see me play & could only stay the night. I had done 2 gigs that day & was about to retire with her & spend the time with her I had said I’d have. The fellows in the band I was playing with caught me right before we left & told me we had a chance to play another gig that night. It took a second to process that & I told them no. They were literally stunned. Open mouthed, jaws on the floor, etc… because they’d never seen or heard of me even contemplating turning down a gig before. But at that time my priority in life was JD.
So now I’m alone. I don’t have any hope or potential; at least none that I can see. I’m still holding on to a very slim chance that JAG & I will patch things up someday, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
I see why my past has influenced my actions. I won’t say caused because my past only played a part in what has transpired between myself & the ladies I’ve mentioned. With each one I could have been cool about my past & things still might have went to hell.
But I know now what has influenced me & also what I need to do to rectify things in a relationship. The problem is unless JAG finds herself willing to talk about things then I have no one to work things out with. & without someone to care for or the potential of having someone to care for it’s difficult for me to get motivated to really accomplish much. As I said I’m functional but I don’t see the need in putting forth any more effort than I have to into life when the fruits of that life will not be shared. That’s something I’m trying to work through on my own but even when we see the logic or illogic in something it’s not easy to shake off the emotions that come with it.
To sum up the biggest problems I have are related to abandonement & engulfment (the psycho-babble term for clingy). The offshoot of these things is a strong desire for security within the relationship & it usually manifests itself as needing to have a high priority in that person's life. When those things don't line up I get worried that I'm on the verge of being abandoned & I'll either try to act in such a way to get the other person's behavior to change in a way I think is acceptable or I just walk away. this is probably over-simplified in certain aspects & some may seem like normal behavior. It's not that the desire for security in a relationship is a bad thing; it's that I'm probably more sensitive about it than most folks are, which leads to the other things.
I was 2 months old when Frankie left with her parents. I never thought much of it except that I had lucked out (because Jean & Frank were great) but now I see it effected me more than I had thought.
Frankie had Lisa a year & a half after I was born & she kept her. In addition she lived in the same fucking neighborhood I did until I was almost 10. Despite Jean & Frank caring greatly for me this colored the way I'd view relationships. & Jean & Frank added to this through no fault of their own; they were old. From the time I was old enough to understand death I knew they would die & relatively soon.
So underneath whatever I thought on the surface I had the notion that anyone I cared for would either abandon me or simply die.
In addition the relationship Frankie & I had was not a warm one. She had 2 moods with me; neutral or angry. I consequently had 2 moods with her; neutral or smart ass. I knew I'd never gain her acceptance so I didn't try. I also knew I could not depend on her when I needed help. Oddly enough when I needed help she'd usually not come through, but when I didn't need help she'd try to help. I never quite understood that but that's how things played out.
So what this did is it colored my view of people, especially those I cared for & thought cared for me. When I felt secure I was either stoic or slightly happy with them even though inwardly I'd be elated. But it took some time for me to get to the point where I felt secure.
When I wasn't secure I'd either just walk away or I'd try to gain that security through actions. In other words I'd attempt to win their acceptance. I'd often appear clingy while going through a period of insecurity & I probably was being clingy, especially compared with how I normally behaved.
Not that I was totally fucked up or uncaring or possessive; I've been in both situations & acted reasonably considering the circumstances. But I'd excuse behavior too easily at times & become disappointed when that behavior wasn't corrected or the previous security wasn't instantaneous in reappearing.
Another component was my grandparents. I cared for them. I don’t just mean I felt something for them; I mean I tended to their needs. At first it was running that new fangled microwave or reading very fine print but more & more responsibility was added to that as I grew older & they grew weaker. When they passed I was lost for a while because one of the main (if not the main) objects of my life was to take care of my grandparents. After all, they had taken care of me for so long & I felt honored that I could attempt to return the favor (not that I did everything I should have, but I did try). After they passed I had no great purpose, no real reason to exist. I didn’t have anyone to live for, as living for myself just seemed to selfish to qualify as justification for my existence (remember I was only 21 when Jean passed & Frank had been gone 2.5 years by then).
I won't delve into the relationships I had before I was 25 because I was still learning to deal with adults in that way. JD was probably the turning point & from then on I was very weary of who I got involved with. JD was great; she just lost whatever it was she felt for me. It took me a while to get past that & when I did I was probably actually ready to give something serous a try. Not that it happened right away - that weariness thing had set in firmly by then. I simply didn’t let anyone get too close or let myself get too close.
With VA we fell apart because of 2 arguments. I could have repaired things (I think) but I let them slide. I cared for her, even loved her but didn't see myself being secure with her after our falling out. Looking back I doubt I could have lived up to her expectations anyway, so the behavior I learned with Frankie about not even trying to be accepted possibly contributed to things ending.
With KS I never got past Spain. Early in our relationship she took a trip there with her ex-b/f & lied to me about it. I thought I could let it slide & I never brought it up again but I never got past that. It colored how I thought she viewed me & it contributed to me never feeling secure with her again - at least not totally or for long. Whenever she'd mention Spain I'd get upset which should have been a sign that we needed to deal with things, but I thought I was following Jean's example by just trying to forget it so I internalized my feelings. I doubt she ever knew it upset me so much; I never brought it up & we never dealt with it. That had a lot to do with me walking away from her. It also had a lot to do with me continually trying to gain her approval, especially after we broke up.
With JAG it's the same old story. I had built up a lot of security & trust with her, but she threw that away when she stopped seeing me to date someone else in '05. It wasn't that she acted wrongly - it was that she abandoned me for someone else. I didn't realize how much that effected me until a few months ago - after she & I had fallen out. I had been stoic with her to some degree (though not so much that she didn't know I cared to some extent) up until she abandoned me & then I was even more aloof while we were friends. But when she told me she was about to become single again I went in the other direction. I made a big declaration of my affection for her & I think I had hoped that if she left him & came straight to me that it would erase all the damage she had done a year before. It wouldn't have but sometimes we interpret things wrongly & make the wrong conclusions.
But every little slight I could take from her I did. & every little thing that made me think things were cool I took to heart. I was up & down every few days & I over-reacted a few times as well as under-reacted a few times. When I was around her I wasn’t acting like myself. Not that I was totally foreign but I was a bit clingier than I like to be. In short I exaggerated to some extent a lot of her actions & in turn my reactions were exaggerated.
She & I fell out because she ignored me on my b-day. I've always been a little sensitive about b-days & viewed it as a sort of litmus test for caring (based on some previous bad b-day experiences). I thought I communicated this to her well enough so when my b-day passed & I hadn't heard from her my world fell apart.
During the 4 months in '05 that we saw each other I felt as much genuine caring from her as I had from anyone I believe actually ever gave a fuck about me. Enough so that even the loss of security & trust couldn't eradicate my belief that she cared. In fact I tripped out for a few days in September because I thought she had told me that she didn't care & I just couldn't rationalize that with what I knew of her or the world.
With the passing of the b-day came the passing of the belief that I had any sort of security with her, or that she cared about me in any manner. Well the last isn't totally true; I still think she cares & cares deeply but she's not at a point in her life where she'll accept that enough to act upon it in a way I can appreciate.
But my world has been shattered ever since. Not so dramatically that I can't function; just that I have a severe lack of motivation. Again going back to how I interacted with Frankie - if I will never gain someone's acceptance then why try at all?. But it's a little different this time because I just don't feel that the results of any attempts at a relationship will be any different than they have before. I'll snap out of this at some point but for now I can't get motivated to meet anyone new.
This is problematic because of my need to have a greater purpose than myself. Throughout my career as a guitar player I traveled & gigged & dated casually but never got into anything serious (JD was the exception but I wasn’t traveling too often when I was with her). To some extent I had used my career to justify my being; playing guitar wasn’t just what I did, it was who I was. But when I felt comfy enough to get close to someone they became the priority. I mean that despite my appearing to value my career more than anything else I saw nothing being higher in my world than caring for someone & letting them care for me.
An example is that I never turned down a gig if I could possibly make it – except once. JD had driven down to the beach to see me play & could only stay the night. I had done 2 gigs that day & was about to retire with her & spend the time with her I had said I’d have. The fellows in the band I was playing with caught me right before we left & told me we had a chance to play another gig that night. It took a second to process that & I told them no. They were literally stunned. Open mouthed, jaws on the floor, etc… because they’d never seen or heard of me even contemplating turning down a gig before. But at that time my priority in life was JD.
So now I’m alone. I don’t have any hope or potential; at least none that I can see. I’m still holding on to a very slim chance that JAG & I will patch things up someday, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
I see why my past has influenced my actions. I won’t say caused because my past only played a part in what has transpired between myself & the ladies I’ve mentioned. With each one I could have been cool about my past & things still might have went to hell.
But I know now what has influenced me & also what I need to do to rectify things in a relationship. The problem is unless JAG finds herself willing to talk about things then I have no one to work things out with. & without someone to care for or the potential of having someone to care for it’s difficult for me to get motivated to really accomplish much. As I said I’m functional but I don’t see the need in putting forth any more effort than I have to into life when the fruits of that life will not be shared. That’s something I’m trying to work through on my own but even when we see the logic or illogic in something it’s not easy to shake off the emotions that come with it.
To sum up the biggest problems I have are related to abandonement & engulfment (the psycho-babble term for clingy). The offshoot of these things is a strong desire for security within the relationship & it usually manifests itself as needing to have a high priority in that person's life. When those things don't line up I get worried that I'm on the verge of being abandoned & I'll either try to act in such a way to get the other person's behavior to change in a way I think is acceptable or I just walk away. this is probably over-simplified in certain aspects & some may seem like normal behavior. It's not that the desire for security in a relationship is a bad thing; it's that I'm probably more sensitive about it than most folks are, which leads to the other things.
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Dramatis Personae
These scribblings are not for those who value good prose. They are a peek inside my world & much of it is random venting. If I didn't want an audience I wouldn't have started a blog, but I'm still uncertain whom I'll let view this.
I started this blog in January of 2007 but I've filled it in a few months prior with writing I had done offline. I've back-dated this entry for convenience.
I value my privacy & those of people I'll refer to. Besides, in the southern tradtion kissing & telling isn't cool when the people can be identified. I started these writing for one reason but they've morphed into something else. A lot of it I view as whining but I suppose even I need to whine on occassion. In any case here's the list of folks I may refer to, in alphebetical order:
AO: A friend I met via a chat room. We've met in person & still stay in touch.
AS: An ex-g/f. We dated from 1992 till 1994 on & off.
Carrie: My cousin, daughter of Maria & Steve.
Chris: My cousin, son of Maria & Steve.
CW: One of my oldest friends. we've known each other since we were 10. He's in prison now.
Danny: My ex-stepfather, Frankie's widower.
FB: A manager at work & a decent guy.
Frank: My grandfather. He & Jean raised me. He passed in 1990.
Frankie: My mother. She passed in 2006.
GA: A buddy of mine & a damn fine bass player & singer.
GAvO: My best friend. We met in college & have been close ever since. I loved her back then (& still do) but she never felt any attraction for me. Yet we're still very close, even when we don't talk that often.
GB: A former lover.
Harrington: That'd be me, your not so humble narrator. I'm a mid-30's former guitarist.
JA: A former lover turned friend.
JAG: The lady that is on my mind most often in these writings. She & I were lovers for a while in 2005, then friends/pen pals for a year then we tried to be lovers again in the fall of '06 but it went all to hell. Currently we aren't on speaking terms.
JD: An ex'g/f. We dated from 1996 till 1997. We lived together for close to a year.
Jean: My grandmother, Frank's wife & Frankie's mother. She & Frank raised me. She passed in 1992.
Jennifer: My littlest sister, daughter of Johnny. She was born in 1990.
JG: A former lover turned friend.
Jim: a co-worker & a decent guy.
JL: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months on & off in 1989.
Johnny: My father.
KP: a buddy of mine.
KS: An ex g/f. We dated each other from 2001 till 2004, then on & off for another year. We lived together from 2002 till 2004.
KZ: A friend I met via a chat room. We stay in touch intermittently & at times are close.
Lisa: My little sister, daughter of Frankie & Johnny.
Maria: My aunt, daughter of Jean & Frank, sister of Frankie.
MB: A friend I met through a forum. I've been at his house & he & his family are always too gracious.
Pam: Lisa's girlfriend.
SD: A very close friend. We met in 1987 & have been friends ever since, though strictly in the platonic sense.
Steve: My uncle, husband of Maria.
Tric: My older sister, daughter of Johnny.
VA: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months in 2001. We lived together for 2 months while we were dating.
WB: A friend of mine from our teenage years.
I started this blog in January of 2007 but I've filled it in a few months prior with writing I had done offline. I've back-dated this entry for convenience.
I value my privacy & those of people I'll refer to. Besides, in the southern tradtion kissing & telling isn't cool when the people can be identified. I started these writing for one reason but they've morphed into something else. A lot of it I view as whining but I suppose even I need to whine on occassion. In any case here's the list of folks I may refer to, in alphebetical order:
AO: A friend I met via a chat room. We've met in person & still stay in touch.
AS: An ex-g/f. We dated from 1992 till 1994 on & off.
Carrie: My cousin, daughter of Maria & Steve.
Chris: My cousin, son of Maria & Steve.
CW: One of my oldest friends. we've known each other since we were 10. He's in prison now.
Danny: My ex-stepfather, Frankie's widower.
FB: A manager at work & a decent guy.
Frank: My grandfather. He & Jean raised me. He passed in 1990.
Frankie: My mother. She passed in 2006.
GA: A buddy of mine & a damn fine bass player & singer.
GAvO: My best friend. We met in college & have been close ever since. I loved her back then (& still do) but she never felt any attraction for me. Yet we're still very close, even when we don't talk that often.
GB: A former lover.
Harrington: That'd be me, your not so humble narrator. I'm a mid-30's former guitarist.
JA: A former lover turned friend.
JAG: The lady that is on my mind most often in these writings. She & I were lovers for a while in 2005, then friends/pen pals for a year then we tried to be lovers again in the fall of '06 but it went all to hell. Currently we aren't on speaking terms.
JD: An ex'g/f. We dated from 1996 till 1997. We lived together for close to a year.
Jean: My grandmother, Frank's wife & Frankie's mother. She & Frank raised me. She passed in 1992.
Jennifer: My littlest sister, daughter of Johnny. She was born in 1990.
JG: A former lover turned friend.
Jim: a co-worker & a decent guy.
JL: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months on & off in 1989.
Johnny: My father.
KP: a buddy of mine.
KS: An ex g/f. We dated each other from 2001 till 2004, then on & off for another year. We lived together from 2002 till 2004.
KZ: A friend I met via a chat room. We stay in touch intermittently & at times are close.
Lisa: My little sister, daughter of Frankie & Johnny.
Maria: My aunt, daughter of Jean & Frank, sister of Frankie.
MB: A friend I met through a forum. I've been at his house & he & his family are always too gracious.
Pam: Lisa's girlfriend.
SD: A very close friend. We met in 1987 & have been friends ever since, though strictly in the platonic sense.
Steve: My uncle, husband of Maria.
Tric: My older sister, daughter of Johnny.
VA: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months in 2001. We lived together for 2 months while we were dating.
WB: A friend of mine from our teenage years.
GAvO
She has been a constant in my life since we met. A very bright spot in a world that at times is not so dark.
In 1990 I was a few days late for the beginning of class. I was working construction over the summer & you tend to lose track of dates. In any case GAvO was in my music theory class. She was quiet & shy but friendly at the same time. & she was a helluva guitar player. She had more talent than I did but her shyness kept folks from seeing that. Plus she impressed me with her answer when some guy asked if she had any kids. She looked coyly around & said, “None that I know about”.
We started hanging out & after a few months I started to care for her. She cared for me too but she did not feel any sort of attraction to me. I asked her out for Valentines Day in 1991 & she accepted. She was the first (& one of the very few) ladies I've taken out on Valentines Day. I took her to my favorite fish camp & had sent her flowers. After dinner I dropped her off at her apartment & tried to kiss her. She turned her head & gave a sort of nervous giggle. I kind of figured then that it wasn't going to happen. A few days later we discussed the situation & she told me that she didn't feel an attraction for me & in fact was infatuated with someone else.
We didn't speak for about a month after that but then we started to hang out again. In fact we would talk almost every day. We became best friends.
She moved away to finish her degree. By that time I had dropped school & was gigging again. But we stayed in touch, albeit not that frequently (she was a bit on the slack side). Any time of duress that I can recall I went running to her, at least for a long time. In 1992 when my grandmother passed I went to see her. In 1993 when AS got married & my attempts to stop the wedding failed I drove to see her. In 1995 when I was getting stressed out by my band I went to see her. In 1997 when things had fallen all to hell with JD she came to see me. In 98 we were roommates at the beach & after I moved out in 1999 we would still hang out quite a bit. She was the last person I went to see before I left the state in 2001.
I hadn't talked to her much for a few years but when KS & I split she was on the phone anytime I called. When Frankie was not doing well she was always available to talk. She drove a few hours to meet me as I passed near her in early 2006 on my way to see Frankie. She's just always been someone whose caring I never doubted.
At times I've regretted that she never felt an attraction for me but I can't feel too bad considering the caring she's given me over the years. & I've done as much as I could to return the favor, albeit I doubt I'll ever settle the debt. For the record though I don't think I've ever lost the attraction I felt for her & there have been quite a few times where I'd have been cool with trying to work something out romantically with her. But I think I've just accepted the fact that she never wanted anything from me of a non-platonic nature.
She's probably been around on more of my b-day's than anyone else. I've hung out with her on New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, her b-day & just about every other occasion on the calendar that I gave a damn about. Oddly enough she doesn't call me on my b-day when we're living in different towns even though I don't think I've missed calling her on one of hers. If she was within an hours' drive she'd be over to see me but otherwise she just has a drink or twelve while listening to Queensryche & thinks of me for a minute or two. With her I let that slide because I know she cares.
I've known the girl coming up on 16 years & while we've had a difference or two she's always made my world a bit brighter than it would have been. She has faults & flaws like anyone else, but for me they don't diminish whatever the hell it is that she is to me.
It's not the greatest or most concise description of her, but I don't think I could give a good enough account of how I see her. Just settle for this brief account of why I see her the way I do.
In 1990 I was a few days late for the beginning of class. I was working construction over the summer & you tend to lose track of dates. In any case GAvO was in my music theory class. She was quiet & shy but friendly at the same time. & she was a helluva guitar player. She had more talent than I did but her shyness kept folks from seeing that. Plus she impressed me with her answer when some guy asked if she had any kids. She looked coyly around & said, “None that I know about”.
We started hanging out & after a few months I started to care for her. She cared for me too but she did not feel any sort of attraction to me. I asked her out for Valentines Day in 1991 & she accepted. She was the first (& one of the very few) ladies I've taken out on Valentines Day. I took her to my favorite fish camp & had sent her flowers. After dinner I dropped her off at her apartment & tried to kiss her. She turned her head & gave a sort of nervous giggle. I kind of figured then that it wasn't going to happen. A few days later we discussed the situation & she told me that she didn't feel an attraction for me & in fact was infatuated with someone else.
We didn't speak for about a month after that but then we started to hang out again. In fact we would talk almost every day. We became best friends.
She moved away to finish her degree. By that time I had dropped school & was gigging again. But we stayed in touch, albeit not that frequently (she was a bit on the slack side). Any time of duress that I can recall I went running to her, at least for a long time. In 1992 when my grandmother passed I went to see her. In 1993 when AS got married & my attempts to stop the wedding failed I drove to see her. In 1995 when I was getting stressed out by my band I went to see her. In 1997 when things had fallen all to hell with JD she came to see me. In 98 we were roommates at the beach & after I moved out in 1999 we would still hang out quite a bit. She was the last person I went to see before I left the state in 2001.
I hadn't talked to her much for a few years but when KS & I split she was on the phone anytime I called. When Frankie was not doing well she was always available to talk. She drove a few hours to meet me as I passed near her in early 2006 on my way to see Frankie. She's just always been someone whose caring I never doubted.
At times I've regretted that she never felt an attraction for me but I can't feel too bad considering the caring she's given me over the years. & I've done as much as I could to return the favor, albeit I doubt I'll ever settle the debt. For the record though I don't think I've ever lost the attraction I felt for her & there have been quite a few times where I'd have been cool with trying to work something out romantically with her. But I think I've just accepted the fact that she never wanted anything from me of a non-platonic nature.
She's probably been around on more of my b-day's than anyone else. I've hung out with her on New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, her b-day & just about every other occasion on the calendar that I gave a damn about. Oddly enough she doesn't call me on my b-day when we're living in different towns even though I don't think I've missed calling her on one of hers. If she was within an hours' drive she'd be over to see me but otherwise she just has a drink or twelve while listening to Queensryche & thinks of me for a minute or two. With her I let that slide because I know she cares.
I've known the girl coming up on 16 years & while we've had a difference or two she's always made my world a bit brighter than it would have been. She has faults & flaws like anyone else, but for me they don't diminish whatever the hell it is that she is to me.
It's not the greatest or most concise description of her, but I don't think I could give a good enough account of how I see her. Just settle for this brief account of why I see her the way I do.
KS
I met her online through a personals site in 2001. She was living in Italy at the time with her ex-b/f. We hit it off over the internet & phone so we decided to meet. she was flying back home (a couple of hours south of me) on November 3rd. She drove up to see me on the 4th & we hit it off in person better than we had over the phone & net. Our first date lasted 3 days.
Things were going great until late November. she was about to leave one morning to go back to her family & mentioned something about wondering whether or not to leave her ex-b/f's house. There was a little more to it than that but I took it as her not knowing whether or not she wanted to break her ties with him & move on with me. so I told her quite plainly that she had to make her mind up & it'd be best if she didn't call me until she did. A "it's him or me" ultimatum more or less (though not quite in that way). It was the first time I'd seen her cry & it damn near broke my heart on the spot. But I stuck to my guns & told her that I cared but I couldn't see her until she was ready to make a commitment to me.
About 4 days later she called & wanted to see me. I assumed she'd made her decision so we saw each other over the next month or so. I met her family & even spent Thanksgiving & X-mas with them. We hung out at a friend of hers place on New Year's Eve. I took her to see Frankie & Johnny & Lisa & Maria for a few days. Then she went back to Italy.
She wouldn't say how long she would be gone, just that she needed to take care of some things & she'd be back as soon as she could. It ended up being 4 months which was longer than we'd spent in each others' company. It was pretty rough for me because I missed her but was uncertain of her intentions.
I almost said to hell with it when she announced that she had decided to come back & go back to college, but she was going to take a trip to Spain first. For some reason I didn't want her to go to Spain & offered to take her there myself after she came back to me. No dice; she was going & said she'd travel alone. I had no reason not to trust her but it bugged me that she wanted to come back for school. Not that I have anything against furthering an education but I was hoping she could have found enough justification to leave her beloved Italy for me.
A week before she came back she called me & very humbly told me that she had lied & that her ex had met her in Spain & traveled with her for a few days. I was livid but for reasons of my own I let it slide. I never asked her about her fidelity; I assumed there hadn't been any. But I cared for her & thought I could grant her one serious fuck up. I was wrong but at the time I didn't realize why.
We moved in together a few weeks after she got back stateside. Her grandparents let us borrow their RV & we stayed in it for a few months until I found us a cool little apartment just inside the city limits. I thought it was cool but she fell in love with it. I thought it was pricier than my "cheap bastard" genetics would tolerate, but her face lit up so bright when I asked if she wanted it, so we moved in.
I lived with her & her cats (Bug & Chip) from about May of 2002 until September of 2004. We had some fun there & probably a few too many arguments, but we at least argued civilly most of the time. & she never neglected my b-day (or I hers) though one year she was swamped & could only hang out for 20 minutes or so. I felt kind of slighted but understood & 20 minutes was cool enough to let me know she cared. New Year's Eve was another story but I don't think she ever really grasped how much it meant to me.
KS was beautiful to me in a way that few women have been before or sense. I saw myself living with her the rest of my days & I was happy about that. She was attractive mentally as well as physically & I could tell that she really cared for me.
But she didn't love me. I don't mean that she just wasn't in love with me. I mean that she didn't love me. I kept going back & forth but ultimately I realized that she only cared for me.
In spring of 2004 she hadn't been home much. She spent 3 months in Mexico doing a student exchange thing & another few weeks in Peru doing a dig (she was an archeology student). One night when she was back I noticed a foreign number on her cell phone (we shared it) as I was about to make a call. I asked her about it & she told me it was her ex-b/f from Italy.
Normally I don't make ultimatums. I don't like them & only reluctantly use them. so i didn't give her one. I told her simply that I felt uncool about her talking to him & if she persisted it would do damage to our relationship. She kept talking to him so a week after her b-day I broke things off with her. A little over a month later I moved out. I figured we were over & I was trying to recoup to move on.
Then she called & told me Bug was sick. She took her to the vet & they found cancer. I tell folks I did it for the cat (because I did love the little furball) but I really did it for her. I spent just about every waking moment over at her place for the next several weeks & missed some work over it. I tried to take care of the cat but I was really trying to take care of KS. I knew how much it effected her; she had the cat for 17 years & she was always real sensitive about animals in general. To give an example she still cried when she'd see a picture of a Rhodesian Ridgeback because she had one that she had to put down about ten years before.
We ended up putting the cat down. I won't tell you that it didn't tear me up but I kept cool in front of her so she could fall apart for a little bit. We kept seeing each other. Not quite as much but once a week or ten days or so.
I didn't see her over x-mas. I forget why but I opted not to go down to her grandparents with her. I tried to make plans with her when she got back but she was booked on the day that I asked; plans with a fellow student. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I assumed I'd see her on New Year's Eve. I didn't.
She called me at 5 or so on December 31rst of 2004. She asked if I wanted to go with her to the party at her friend's house. This particular friend of hers was an asshole. I didn't like him & came close to having words with him a time or two before. I reminded her of that & said I'd have to decline as I wouldn't set foot in that idiotic overbearing asshole's house. I then asked her to hang out with me instead - just her & I. She said she'd already made plans to meet her cousins down there & if I didn't want to come then "fine". (& that "fine" meant that it was anything other than fine.)
So I spent New Years Eve alone & decided to move the fuck on. I admit I should have made plans with her sooner but when someone calls you on the day of after they'd made plans two weeks in advance that generally means you're an afterthought, not a focus.
I kept hanging out with her but told her I was trying to date again. We were still broken up but I figured it'd be decent to tell her I was trying to see other people. She shrugged it off & things were much like they were before. I could hardly ever make plans in advance with her but if she had a couple of hours free she'd call & see if I could hang out.
School was hard on her. She was smart but bit off way more than she should have, so her time was extremely limited. & that was part of our problem; when she had free time that she knew of in advance she'd make plans with her friends or family. I was in her life but not as a priority. I was a back-up plan, or so it felt. To top it off she applied for a graduate school in a state I won't move to. So I figured it was over & at most I'd be able to see her until August when she'd move out of state.
I went on a few dates but nothing of consequence until I met JAG in March of 2005. JAG & I saw each other at least once a week until July. I kept seeing KS but with both I had made no commitments & had been very upfront that I was not committed to either of them. I wasn't trying to be a stud; I cared deeply for KS & didn't want to have her be lonely but at the same time I was starting to care for JAG & didn't want to miss hanging out with her. In hindsight I should have made a choice between the two but I thought everything was cool for all involved.
I took KS to see Frankie in May. We went down to the beach & fell out about JAG. When I got back we fell out again. She gave me a choice between her & JAG. I thought for a second about how I'd tell JAG good-bye then realized that I wouldn't. I hurt KS pretty badly & that I truly regret. I didn't try to be mean or cold but that's how she viewed it. I still think it was mainly her ego that was injured but that can cause enough pain for me to feel badly over no matter whose fault it was. I spent years trying to protect & care for KS & her I was being the cause of her tears.
We didn't speak for a month. When JAG & I stopped seeing each other KS called about some moving related matters (I was still a leassee at her apartment). We ended up seeing each other for a few weeks before she left town.
As bad a picture as I painted of our relationship I have to say that it was by no means all bad. She was one of the coolest people I'd ever hung out with, let alone dated. For her b-day (two weeks before she left town) I spent over $400. I wouldn't have done that if she wasn't worth caring about. & she wasn't materialistic; it just cost me a bit to get her a few things that would have some sentimental value.
She didn't call much once she moved. I answered the phone late one night in late August to hear that Chip wasn't doing well. In October she called to tell me that Chip had died a few minutes before. I was tore up as much for her as for myself. I get too damned attached to cats.
we were talking a little more often in October & on my b-day she called. I tried to talk her into coming into town to see me but she claimed she didn't have the time. I tried to make plans to see her as I'd pass close to her in late November (or so I thought) but she had already made other plans. She came back to town twice & didn't try to call or see me. She was home for x-mas & called on x-mas day. I tried to talk her into hanging out on New Years Eve but she said she had made plans with her grandparents. She was supposed to come up on the 30th but cancelled that morning due to a death in her extended family. So on New Years Eve I gave up on seeing her again.
I didn't speak to her for about 8 months. It was hard not calling her on her b-day but I didn't. I ended up calling her when I was tripping over JAG disappearing on me in August. Overthe next few months we talked a bit & I told her the details of JAG & how they intertwined with her dealings with me. She was cool about things & I thought we were alright.
She called on my b-day & we chatted for a while. But I tried to call later that night when I was a bit upset & never heard back from her. In December I called & we talked for a bit but it seemed strained on her end. We haven't spoken since even though her grandmother told me she had planned on seeing me when she was in town over x-mas. I never heard from her so I assume she ran out of time.
So that's what happened with KS & I. We both made mistakes with each other, most of which I didn't write about but I can't look back & hold her in the wrong. She made choices I didn't care for but it was seldom if ever a question of being right or wrong. Truth be told if I thought things could be worked out with her I'd make all the effort I could, but I simply don't think she loves me in the way I need her to in order for anything to be really cool. Still she was & is beautiful to me & one of the few people in my world that I know actually cares. I just hope she can find someone she actually loves & that he's worthy of that because she is very special.
Things were going great until late November. she was about to leave one morning to go back to her family & mentioned something about wondering whether or not to leave her ex-b/f's house. There was a little more to it than that but I took it as her not knowing whether or not she wanted to break her ties with him & move on with me. so I told her quite plainly that she had to make her mind up & it'd be best if she didn't call me until she did. A "it's him or me" ultimatum more or less (though not quite in that way). It was the first time I'd seen her cry & it damn near broke my heart on the spot. But I stuck to my guns & told her that I cared but I couldn't see her until she was ready to make a commitment to me.
About 4 days later she called & wanted to see me. I assumed she'd made her decision so we saw each other over the next month or so. I met her family & even spent Thanksgiving & X-mas with them. We hung out at a friend of hers place on New Year's Eve. I took her to see Frankie & Johnny & Lisa & Maria for a few days. Then she went back to Italy.
She wouldn't say how long she would be gone, just that she needed to take care of some things & she'd be back as soon as she could. It ended up being 4 months which was longer than we'd spent in each others' company. It was pretty rough for me because I missed her but was uncertain of her intentions.
I almost said to hell with it when she announced that she had decided to come back & go back to college, but she was going to take a trip to Spain first. For some reason I didn't want her to go to Spain & offered to take her there myself after she came back to me. No dice; she was going & said she'd travel alone. I had no reason not to trust her but it bugged me that she wanted to come back for school. Not that I have anything against furthering an education but I was hoping she could have found enough justification to leave her beloved Italy for me.
A week before she came back she called me & very humbly told me that she had lied & that her ex had met her in Spain & traveled with her for a few days. I was livid but for reasons of my own I let it slide. I never asked her about her fidelity; I assumed there hadn't been any. But I cared for her & thought I could grant her one serious fuck up. I was wrong but at the time I didn't realize why.
We moved in together a few weeks after she got back stateside. Her grandparents let us borrow their RV & we stayed in it for a few months until I found us a cool little apartment just inside the city limits. I thought it was cool but she fell in love with it. I thought it was pricier than my "cheap bastard" genetics would tolerate, but her face lit up so bright when I asked if she wanted it, so we moved in.
I lived with her & her cats (Bug & Chip) from about May of 2002 until September of 2004. We had some fun there & probably a few too many arguments, but we at least argued civilly most of the time. & she never neglected my b-day (or I hers) though one year she was swamped & could only hang out for 20 minutes or so. I felt kind of slighted but understood & 20 minutes was cool enough to let me know she cared. New Year's Eve was another story but I don't think she ever really grasped how much it meant to me.
KS was beautiful to me in a way that few women have been before or sense. I saw myself living with her the rest of my days & I was happy about that. She was attractive mentally as well as physically & I could tell that she really cared for me.
But she didn't love me. I don't mean that she just wasn't in love with me. I mean that she didn't love me. I kept going back & forth but ultimately I realized that she only cared for me.
In spring of 2004 she hadn't been home much. She spent 3 months in Mexico doing a student exchange thing & another few weeks in Peru doing a dig (she was an archeology student). One night when she was back I noticed a foreign number on her cell phone (we shared it) as I was about to make a call. I asked her about it & she told me it was her ex-b/f from Italy.
Normally I don't make ultimatums. I don't like them & only reluctantly use them. so i didn't give her one. I told her simply that I felt uncool about her talking to him & if she persisted it would do damage to our relationship. She kept talking to him so a week after her b-day I broke things off with her. A little over a month later I moved out. I figured we were over & I was trying to recoup to move on.
Then she called & told me Bug was sick. She took her to the vet & they found cancer. I tell folks I did it for the cat (because I did love the little furball) but I really did it for her. I spent just about every waking moment over at her place for the next several weeks & missed some work over it. I tried to take care of the cat but I was really trying to take care of KS. I knew how much it effected her; she had the cat for 17 years & she was always real sensitive about animals in general. To give an example she still cried when she'd see a picture of a Rhodesian Ridgeback because she had one that she had to put down about ten years before.
We ended up putting the cat down. I won't tell you that it didn't tear me up but I kept cool in front of her so she could fall apart for a little bit. We kept seeing each other. Not quite as much but once a week or ten days or so.
I didn't see her over x-mas. I forget why but I opted not to go down to her grandparents with her. I tried to make plans with her when she got back but she was booked on the day that I asked; plans with a fellow student. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I assumed I'd see her on New Year's Eve. I didn't.
She called me at 5 or so on December 31rst of 2004. She asked if I wanted to go with her to the party at her friend's house. This particular friend of hers was an asshole. I didn't like him & came close to having words with him a time or two before. I reminded her of that & said I'd have to decline as I wouldn't set foot in that idiotic overbearing asshole's house. I then asked her to hang out with me instead - just her & I. She said she'd already made plans to meet her cousins down there & if I didn't want to come then "fine". (& that "fine" meant that it was anything other than fine.)
So I spent New Years Eve alone & decided to move the fuck on. I admit I should have made plans with her sooner but when someone calls you on the day of after they'd made plans two weeks in advance that generally means you're an afterthought, not a focus.
I kept hanging out with her but told her I was trying to date again. We were still broken up but I figured it'd be decent to tell her I was trying to see other people. She shrugged it off & things were much like they were before. I could hardly ever make plans in advance with her but if she had a couple of hours free she'd call & see if I could hang out.
School was hard on her. She was smart but bit off way more than she should have, so her time was extremely limited. & that was part of our problem; when she had free time that she knew of in advance she'd make plans with her friends or family. I was in her life but not as a priority. I was a back-up plan, or so it felt. To top it off she applied for a graduate school in a state I won't move to. So I figured it was over & at most I'd be able to see her until August when she'd move out of state.
I went on a few dates but nothing of consequence until I met JAG in March of 2005. JAG & I saw each other at least once a week until July. I kept seeing KS but with both I had made no commitments & had been very upfront that I was not committed to either of them. I wasn't trying to be a stud; I cared deeply for KS & didn't want to have her be lonely but at the same time I was starting to care for JAG & didn't want to miss hanging out with her. In hindsight I should have made a choice between the two but I thought everything was cool for all involved.
I took KS to see Frankie in May. We went down to the beach & fell out about JAG. When I got back we fell out again. She gave me a choice between her & JAG. I thought for a second about how I'd tell JAG good-bye then realized that I wouldn't. I hurt KS pretty badly & that I truly regret. I didn't try to be mean or cold but that's how she viewed it. I still think it was mainly her ego that was injured but that can cause enough pain for me to feel badly over no matter whose fault it was. I spent years trying to protect & care for KS & her I was being the cause of her tears.
We didn't speak for a month. When JAG & I stopped seeing each other KS called about some moving related matters (I was still a leassee at her apartment). We ended up seeing each other for a few weeks before she left town.
As bad a picture as I painted of our relationship I have to say that it was by no means all bad. She was one of the coolest people I'd ever hung out with, let alone dated. For her b-day (two weeks before she left town) I spent over $400. I wouldn't have done that if she wasn't worth caring about. & she wasn't materialistic; it just cost me a bit to get her a few things that would have some sentimental value.
She didn't call much once she moved. I answered the phone late one night in late August to hear that Chip wasn't doing well. In October she called to tell me that Chip had died a few minutes before. I was tore up as much for her as for myself. I get too damned attached to cats.
we were talking a little more often in October & on my b-day she called. I tried to talk her into coming into town to see me but she claimed she didn't have the time. I tried to make plans to see her as I'd pass close to her in late November (or so I thought) but she had already made other plans. She came back to town twice & didn't try to call or see me. She was home for x-mas & called on x-mas day. I tried to talk her into hanging out on New Years Eve but she said she had made plans with her grandparents. She was supposed to come up on the 30th but cancelled that morning due to a death in her extended family. So on New Years Eve I gave up on seeing her again.
I didn't speak to her for about 8 months. It was hard not calling her on her b-day but I didn't. I ended up calling her when I was tripping over JAG disappearing on me in August. Overthe next few months we talked a bit & I told her the details of JAG & how they intertwined with her dealings with me. She was cool about things & I thought we were alright.
She called on my b-day & we chatted for a while. But I tried to call later that night when I was a bit upset & never heard back from her. In December I called & we talked for a bit but it seemed strained on her end. We haven't spoken since even though her grandmother told me she had planned on seeing me when she was in town over x-mas. I never heard from her so I assume she ran out of time.
So that's what happened with KS & I. We both made mistakes with each other, most of which I didn't write about but I can't look back & hold her in the wrong. She made choices I didn't care for but it was seldom if ever a question of being right or wrong. Truth be told if I thought things could be worked out with her I'd make all the effort I could, but I simply don't think she loves me in the way I need her to in order for anything to be really cool. Still she was & is beautiful to me & one of the few people in my world that I know actually cares. I just hope she can find someone she actually loves & that he's worthy of that because she is very special.
JAG
I'm not sure where to begin. On other pages I tell the story of how she & I met & interacted. On one I even point out things I think she deals with - baggage in other words. But how do you tell someone of someone you care for?
She’s bright. Not just a little smarter than average, but very intelligent. This is hidden partially by her shy demeanor & her soft spoken & quiet manner. Really if she has a choice between using 2 words or 3 she'll pick 2 every time. She can speak up & be assertive but naturally she's got a very soft voice. Patience is another virtue of hers. She will wait until you speak if she has nothing to say. All of those things combined cause some folks to not realize how bright she is.
She's about 5'5" & has a very athletic build. A petite frame with almost no fat at all. When I first saw her picture I guessed she was 125 pounds or so because of how thick her biceps were. Turns out she weighs closer to 105 but she's mostly muscle. Most of the jeans I've seen her well do not do her body justice - her legs or her ass. She has a complex about her legs that I can’t really understand as they’ve always seemed shapely & attractive to me. Her stomach is tight but not flat in the traditional sense. It’s tricky to describe & do it justice but she’s toned without being so sculpted as to be unattractive. Her hips aren’t as wide as most women of her height but they fit nicely with her frame & musculature. Oddly enough I always thought she had a nice back as far as backs go. Her hands are delicate even though you can see that they’re used to work. She's not big chested but she's not small for her frame either. I think she's close to being just the right breast size for her frame. Her neck is slender & graceful, neither too long nor too short for her body & head, though I admit definite bias as something about her neck always brought out the vampiric side of me.
Her hair has changed color a few times since I met her. Naturally she's a brunette but she was blonde at first then red for a while. She’s let it grow out a bit form the time we met. But her face is a semi-rare type that is complimented by either short hair or long hair (though I always preferred it when she wore her hair down for some reason).
Her face is very pretty. Cute nose, nice cheeks but not overly defined so as to eliminate her jaw line. Her lips are not Angelina Jolie type full or anything, but they're not too thin to be distinguishable. Again almost the perfect fullness for her features. She has 2 beauty marks, one on her left cheek just above her lip & the other on the left side of her neck.
Her eyes. Soft & brown & too easy to get lost in. Not just because of their appearance but because at times I almost believed I was staring into her soul. One eye is bigger than the other – just enough to tell which adds to her features more than detracts from them.
She has a weird sense of humor. To illustrate that she thinks I'm funny (sometimes at least). She'll often tell me something with a straight face then struggle to keep from laughing when I tell her I caught how she was teasing me. she even pulled a good one on me; for a year I called her cat by the wrong name through a semi-misunderstanding. she never said a word. She just let me call her cat what I called her, probably inwardly giggling her ass of the entire time.
She's also very caring. At least she has been towards me (with a few exceptions). She's tough but she has a sweet nurturing side that's very touching when you're exposed to it. Or at least in my case that's been so.
She's tough as I said - works very hard & is determined to pull through just about any adversity. She's had her chance to prove that too & while not being unscathed seems to have acquitted herself well. She's not infallible & in fact has fucked up quite a few times that I know of, but she's pulled herself past those things.
She does have a quick temper & gets quite upset & grumpy when things don’t go as planned, but she controls it well & is not very confrontational (in fact she could stand to be more confrontational than she is).
She looks young even though I can see some age starting in her face. Still I'd card babygirl for spicy bubblegum if I didn't know her. & she is young - 26 last December - but she's been through quite a bit & can be mature beyond her years.
She has a confidence about her that borders on ego, but I believe it's more owing to her matter-of-fact nature & her assessment of herself. Still I think she has some insecurities that I can find no legitimate reason for.
She's also very passionate. If she believes in something she tends to mean it though I think she's careful as to what she believes in.
She's pragmatic but not so much so that she is boring or afraid of adventure or risk.
When I see her I definitely see the lady in front of me, but I can also see the little girl inside of her. Perhaps that's just me, but that best sums up the duality I see in her of child & woman. That alone would be enough to make her beautiful to me if it weren't for the other things.
That's what I know of her. I admit bias but I doubt anyone who knows her would say I was too off base.
On the surface though she's a nursing student in her 2nd semester of school. she works as a CNA to pay the bills. She's 26 years old & an avid snowboarder (as well as bike rider, rockhound & a few other outdoor type things). She’s an avid reader when she has time & is often too damn busy for her own good. She’s a daughter a sister & an aunt in addition to her other roles. She is owned by a very sweet yet sometimes grumpy kitty. & I am her friend & was her lover. I'm not entirely sure if either were reciprocated but that's a tale that will unfold on other pages.
To sum up she is beautiful to me. & she doesn't look bad either. :) This is how I see her even now & it's partly why I write of her so often. The other part is partially due to my view of her, or perhaps the cause of my view of her: I love the girl.
She’s bright. Not just a little smarter than average, but very intelligent. This is hidden partially by her shy demeanor & her soft spoken & quiet manner. Really if she has a choice between using 2 words or 3 she'll pick 2 every time. She can speak up & be assertive but naturally she's got a very soft voice. Patience is another virtue of hers. She will wait until you speak if she has nothing to say. All of those things combined cause some folks to not realize how bright she is.
She's about 5'5" & has a very athletic build. A petite frame with almost no fat at all. When I first saw her picture I guessed she was 125 pounds or so because of how thick her biceps were. Turns out she weighs closer to 105 but she's mostly muscle. Most of the jeans I've seen her well do not do her body justice - her legs or her ass. She has a complex about her legs that I can’t really understand as they’ve always seemed shapely & attractive to me. Her stomach is tight but not flat in the traditional sense. It’s tricky to describe & do it justice but she’s toned without being so sculpted as to be unattractive. Her hips aren’t as wide as most women of her height but they fit nicely with her frame & musculature. Oddly enough I always thought she had a nice back as far as backs go. Her hands are delicate even though you can see that they’re used to work. She's not big chested but she's not small for her frame either. I think she's close to being just the right breast size for her frame. Her neck is slender & graceful, neither too long nor too short for her body & head, though I admit definite bias as something about her neck always brought out the vampiric side of me.
Her hair has changed color a few times since I met her. Naturally she's a brunette but she was blonde at first then red for a while. She’s let it grow out a bit form the time we met. But her face is a semi-rare type that is complimented by either short hair or long hair (though I always preferred it when she wore her hair down for some reason).
Her face is very pretty. Cute nose, nice cheeks but not overly defined so as to eliminate her jaw line. Her lips are not Angelina Jolie type full or anything, but they're not too thin to be distinguishable. Again almost the perfect fullness for her features. She has 2 beauty marks, one on her left cheek just above her lip & the other on the left side of her neck.
Her eyes. Soft & brown & too easy to get lost in. Not just because of their appearance but because at times I almost believed I was staring into her soul. One eye is bigger than the other – just enough to tell which adds to her features more than detracts from them.
She has a weird sense of humor. To illustrate that she thinks I'm funny (sometimes at least). She'll often tell me something with a straight face then struggle to keep from laughing when I tell her I caught how she was teasing me. she even pulled a good one on me; for a year I called her cat by the wrong name through a semi-misunderstanding. she never said a word. She just let me call her cat what I called her, probably inwardly giggling her ass of the entire time.
She's also very caring. At least she has been towards me (with a few exceptions). She's tough but she has a sweet nurturing side that's very touching when you're exposed to it. Or at least in my case that's been so.
She's tough as I said - works very hard & is determined to pull through just about any adversity. She's had her chance to prove that too & while not being unscathed seems to have acquitted herself well. She's not infallible & in fact has fucked up quite a few times that I know of, but she's pulled herself past those things.
She does have a quick temper & gets quite upset & grumpy when things don’t go as planned, but she controls it well & is not very confrontational (in fact she could stand to be more confrontational than she is).
She looks young even though I can see some age starting in her face. Still I'd card babygirl for spicy bubblegum if I didn't know her. & she is young - 26 last December - but she's been through quite a bit & can be mature beyond her years.
She has a confidence about her that borders on ego, but I believe it's more owing to her matter-of-fact nature & her assessment of herself. Still I think she has some insecurities that I can find no legitimate reason for.
She's also very passionate. If she believes in something she tends to mean it though I think she's careful as to what she believes in.
She's pragmatic but not so much so that she is boring or afraid of adventure or risk.
When I see her I definitely see the lady in front of me, but I can also see the little girl inside of her. Perhaps that's just me, but that best sums up the duality I see in her of child & woman. That alone would be enough to make her beautiful to me if it weren't for the other things.
That's what I know of her. I admit bias but I doubt anyone who knows her would say I was too off base.
On the surface though she's a nursing student in her 2nd semester of school. she works as a CNA to pay the bills. She's 26 years old & an avid snowboarder (as well as bike rider, rockhound & a few other outdoor type things). She’s an avid reader when she has time & is often too damn busy for her own good. She’s a daughter a sister & an aunt in addition to her other roles. She is owned by a very sweet yet sometimes grumpy kitty. & I am her friend & was her lover. I'm not entirely sure if either were reciprocated but that's a tale that will unfold on other pages.
To sum up she is beautiful to me. & she doesn't look bad either. :) This is how I see her even now & it's partly why I write of her so often. The other part is partially due to my view of her, or perhaps the cause of my view of her: I love the girl.
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