Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Still haven't heard from her. In my letter I told her I'd be at a bar she knows cause it has an open jam on Thursdays. I went by there around 10 & they were friggin' closed. Not that I think she'd have showed up but...

Anyway here's the letter I posted to her.

Hey Sunshine. I’m not sure if you still read me or if you’ll read this anytime soon, but it’s the way I felt most comfy getting in touch with you. I don’t wish to intrude & I am stubborn & prideful & that’d be cool except that I’m also sentimental – or is that semi-mental? I’d like to tell you I’m going to be brief but we both know me too well to fall for that.

I kept telling myself I shouldn’t but I went out last week & grabbed you a little sum’n sum’n in honor of the occasion. If you’re thinking I’m foolish for having done so I’d agree with you; buying a gift for someone I'm not on speaking terms with isn’t going to get my application at NASA on the fast track. But I’ve always been a sucker where you’re concerned & I can’t imagine completely losing faith in you. I won’t send it as I don’t wish to intrude in any way, but I’ll hang on to it in case we’re cool enough to speak again some day decade. Besides it’s nothing that will spoil & it’s not like you’ve watched a certain DVD from last year yet. So I figure that in a few months or years or decades we’ll both pull our heads out of our respective asses (cause you damn well know you can be almost as stubborn as I am) & I’ll give it to you then. But if it comes down to it I’ll tuck a note in my will about a small bag in the closet. :) See? Even at my darkest & heaviest there’s a streak of optimism. Or maybe it’s just that soft spot for you weakening my pessimism. Course I’m doing it all for the cat – just so you know. ;) Besides, a very wise man once told me that in most things “possible” or “impossible” is dependent not on our capabilities, but our desires. So I beg your pardon for my little sliver of hope if it makes me seem uncharacteristic (or like the title of a Dostoevsky novel).

& a while back I set the day in question aside. Honestly I just haven't had the heart to pencil anything in since, well you know. The only ambition I have for that day is to possibly go to the bar where you saw a guitar player that you said played like you thought I would. I’m sure you already have plans & I’m not inviting you or anything (though you’d not be unwelcome if my playing for you would make your evening brighter) as I'm not even positive I'll go. I’m just saying that I will be thinking of you fondly if that makes any difference in your world.

I feel like I’m being very rude by not calling or trying to see you in light of this occasion, but under the circumstances my pride won’t let me initiate any sort of contact. & being uncertain of it causing happiness or just making us both feel awkward has something to do with it as well. If you ever wish to get in touch though you know my phone is always on for you, even if it has a silly ring associated with it. :) So excuse the lack of manners I'm displaying by waiting till I hear from you. I mean no offense by it & from my world it seems like the least offensive route to take. (& I'm always right - well except for those countless occassions when I'm wrong.) In any case understand that I want to get in touch but I will not.

Mainly I just wanted you to know that despite our peculiar & unwelcome (to me) circumstances that I wish that today is the happiest of your life, except when you compare it to tomorrow, & the day after, & the day after, etc… But know that you have at least one more person in your life that wishes you as much joy as you can desire on this occassion. The nature of our interactions may be conditional sweetie, but my caring for you never will be. Ditto for the psuedononymous feline.

If it means anything to you, if I may ever be of service, by my presence or absence, then I am at m’lady’s disposal as much as I am able to be. You’re always welcome to get in touch or to not, as you wish. But do pet the kitty for me (whatever her name is this week) as I miss her too. & if vague compliments from a crazy old fool mean anything, you will always be beautiful sweetie, no matter how pretty you are.

Take care,

(Name redacted)

p.s. & watch the vid (of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone). The song reminds me of you for obvious & not so obvious reasons (which perhaps I'll explain someday in a more private venue), but it’s a good rendition of the tune. You might even like it. (As if - methinks you're gentically programed to dislike any tunes I suggest. lol Fine. Here's Dead Can Dance's The Lotus Eaters set to a cool slideshow for ya. Happy you-know-what sweetie)