Just Saying No

My head is a little more together but emotionally I still feel less than stellar.

I had a date set for mid-November. The girl seemed nice & attractive & amiable to what I thought i was seeking. We talked late one night & agreed to meet the next evening. When I hung up the phone I started crying. I wasn't quite sure why - just a strange feeling in my gut that was all about her. So I went to sleep figuring it'd wear off. When i got up it was still there. I ended up calling the girl & canceling. I explained what was going on - that I just wasn't ready to move on from the last fling & she seemed understanding. That was better than I was doing because I didn't understand it at all.

I've turned down sex before but usually it was because I was involved with someone. I don't think I've ever passed up an opportunity when I wasn't even on fucking speaking terms with the object of my affection.

The odd thing is the night I was supposed to have that hook up I ran into her online. I had decided to knock out my personals profile & when i logged on that evening guess who the fuck had checked out my profile? What made it worse is that she was between a 4.5 & a 5 "heart" match according to the sites filtering system. She checked it out a few more times before I got the info yanked. The profile is still up but it's barren.

I broke down & wrote her. Told her I'd be willing to talk if she was & to call cause we both hide behind keyboards too damn much. Nada.

I keep wondering if she'll call - partially grateful that she doesn't because about every day I'm understanding things more - kind of like I'll be better to discuss all this tomorrow. But a part of me shrivels up with each day my phone doesn't ring. Maybe by her b-day...