Do You Lie?

This should be interesting. For me at least. I've been writing on a blog for close to 4 years now. But it's been psuedononymous & mainly about a single topic. I rarely would write anything about myself. So I feel kind of odd writing about me personally. I feel odder that someone is reading it. But here goes...

(BTW, on my real blog I've been using song titles as post titles for a while. I see no reason to stop the trend & this one is a rather cute little ditty by Prince off the Under The Cherry Moon soundtrack - the album is called Parade & it has only superficial relevance to the topic I'm discussing - it's really just a cute song).

I was born the son of a sharecropper back in 18... er, wait. sorry.

I'm a guitarist. That's not just what I do (or did) but who I am. When I was 9 my mother got guitar lessons for me. They lasted 3 weeks before she & I had a fight & I quit. But I kept the guitar. By the time I was 13 I had a band. By the time I was 15 I had a band that gigged. Played my first bar a few weeks before I turned 16. When I was little i wanted to go in the Army & become a Ranger (I would have been 3rd generation military). That first gig ending any professional martial aspirations I had. From the time I was 16 till I was 30 I made my living mainly by playing music (minus a short hiatus while I discovered college wasn't all it was cracked up to be - for me at least).

Being a musician meant a few other things. I got routinely stopped by cops (I fit the "profile" but since I never got into drugs I never got busted) & it was assumed I was a slut.

Well I kinda was, I was just a very selective slut. I am not bragging - I was very fortunate to make the acquaintance of most of the ladies I have known. But I wouldn't sleep with someone just to have sex. There had to be a beauty to the person. At first it was physical but as I grew older it had to be internal as well as external. I have standards way beyond my perceived means & most of the women I've had the pleasure of knowing have been extremely beautiful. So much so that I'd look at a couple & think "I cant believe she's going out with that dog" only to realize it was a long mirror.

I became very good at sex. Not just the act, but the other aspects - the seduction, the teasing, the flirting. Again I am not trying to brag or boast; I'm very fortunate to have the experiences I've had. I'm just saying that I became very skilled through the lifestyle that I lived. & perhaps the most important thing I discovered was how to tell who I felt an attraction for & vice versa. That's really important but it's another topic so I'll leave it be for now.

Another factor is that I'm a little larger than average. It varies (based on experience I reckon) as to how much larger but generally I've been physically able to surpass any pre-seduction expectations.

Which leads me to an issue I think I've been having, mainly in theory but I am wondering a wee bit about a current situation or perhaps a current potential situation, hypothermically (as it likely will have a "cold" ending - did I mention I cancelled my subscription to The Optimist Times?).

It sounds all kind of egotistical but I've been wondering for a while if some of the women I've had something long term with really cared about me or if it was just the sex. & I've been through the opposite side of that myself - wondering if I cared for a person or just really liked the way the sex worked out. I've come (bad puns are always intentional) to recognize when I'm feeling an attraction due to one or the other (& occasionally both) but I've never completely figured out how to tell another person's motivation. I believe a recent (relatively - & no that doesn't mean a cousin - it means within the last decade) g/f was mainly attracted to me for the sex & lacked anything more than a superficial caring. But I could be mistaken. She was in school & very consumed with it (then again the last 3 relationships of more than a casual nature involved students) so I could be misunderstanding how she showed she cared.

But how to tell? Longevity doesn't seem to be it (of the relationship I mean - despite the rumors no one has died from the sheer shock of dating me) as the ex in question was with me for years. & she did care to some degree.

I haven't been in a committed relationship since August of 2004. Since then I've mainly been playing the field as it were to varying degrees of success. & it's nothing I've been really regretting for its own sake (though at the moment I'm not really exploring that world). I know a lot of guys who want women around just for sex. I'm close to the opposite - I want sex just for the women. The act itself is cool & I wouldn't want to become celibate, but it's the mental & emotional desire that always attracted me & it has to be associated with a specific woman & her qualities, not just any pretty face with nice legs & a cute smile (though those never hurt. much. at first). To put it simply I love women. A woman's curves, smells, tastes, mannerisms, gestures, etc... Misogynist I am not.

So for me it's rarely about the sex itself (although I have been floored on occasion, literally & figuratively) - it's been about the woman. But I've never been able to understand what attracts a woman to a man, let alone to me specifically. Not that I'm going to go checking the teeth of any gift horses, I'm just saying that it hinders my understanding of what a woman sees in me or anyone else.

The majority of people who read this will be women, & some of you have known me intimately. So you tell me - how do I tell when it's a caring for me as opposed to someone just really digging the sex or a combination of both?