Here's a vid of the Dan Fogelberg tune. It's sad but pretty.
Nothing from her, not that I expected to hear from her, but I still foolishly cling on to some hope.
From Dec 22nd till tonight I have only had Christmas off. On my days off they'd call me in cause I'm the only idiot that will consistently deliver in the snow. & granted it's fun cruising through the neighborhoods. Kind of like 4 wheeling with white mud.
The bigoted little misogynistic punk I ranted about a while back isn't there anymore so that's a plus. I'll explain some other time what happened.
New Years Eve hits me about as hard as my b-day when I'm alone. It sucks when there's no one to care for but it's worse when there is & she's not around. I'm not sure if we could reconcile - I mean it's possible if she wants to & I want to. The big question is if she'd ever want to & I'm not optimistic about her desiring me in her life in any capacity. I doubt she's had trouble moving on. Hell I doubt she'd even consider me anyone to have to move on from. She'd be quick to point out that we didn't have a commitment & we were just friends. The first part is true but not the latter; we were lovers in addition to friends. But I doubt arguing with her about definitions would do much good.
Funny, in 2006 I slept with 3 women; all of them having first names that begin with J. I could have slept with a 4th girl whose name started with J but I held back. Nothing against the other J's - they were are very sweet & beautiful & cool - but there's only one J I want & I'm afraid I don't even care to explore the other letters of the alphabet.
Maybe she'll be in touch before she goes back to school...
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
That Wasn't Good
Coming down some steps I hit some ice. I didn't fall but in the process of contorting myself I pulled a muscle in my back. Fortunately it only hurts when I move. Unfortunately breathing is moving. But I have a week off to recover so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Winter wonderland has its disadvantages, but it still beats 100 degree temps for months at a time with matching humidity. I'll be okay in a day or so but damn if a back rub wouldn't be nice right about now.
Winter wonderland has its disadvantages, but it still beats 100 degree temps for months at a time with matching humidity. I'll be okay in a day or so but damn if a back rub wouldn't be nice right about now.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Another Lonely Christmas
A Prince tune. perhaps one of his most fucked up. He sings of his lover who's passed on & how he misses her especially around Christmas. My situation isn't that dire & hopefully will never be but I can dig it. When someone cuts you out of their life it's not that different than someone passing on, except that as long as y'all both are alive there's hope, no matter how slim, for reconciliation.
I'm not into Christmas. I never was even when I was a Christian. But I still get bummed when I'm alone over the holidays. Some kind of social condition I guess.
I almost expected to hear from my ex-g/f KS by now. She called last year but then again things didn't go that well so maybe she opted to skip it this time around. Just as well, she's been "done" with me for a while & - well if I thought she had really cared I don't think she'd be an ex.
Tonight is the first night I've had off since the blizzard. Not that long a work week since the store was closed for 2 days but still... For some reason the guys in 4x4's can't get out of their drive ways so they call me to come in with my 19 year old Honda. I get around fine. I've been stuck a time or two but no more than 10 minutes of effort gets me out.
I think I'll make lamb tonight. I like Lamb I just hate cooking anything elaborate when I'm the only diner. More social conditioning perhaps.
& still nothing from her.
I'm not into Christmas. I never was even when I was a Christian. But I still get bummed when I'm alone over the holidays. Some kind of social condition I guess.
I almost expected to hear from my ex-g/f KS by now. She called last year but then again things didn't go that well so maybe she opted to skip it this time around. Just as well, she's been "done" with me for a while & - well if I thought she had really cared I don't think she'd be an ex.
Tonight is the first night I've had off since the blizzard. Not that long a work week since the store was closed for 2 days but still... For some reason the guys in 4x4's can't get out of their drive ways so they call me to come in with my 19 year old Honda. I get around fine. I've been stuck a time or two but no more than 10 minutes of effort gets me out.
I think I'll make lamb tonight. I like Lamb I just hate cooking anything elaborate when I'm the only diner. More social conditioning perhaps.
& still nothing from her.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone
Still haven't heard from her. In my letter I told her I'd be at a bar she knows cause it has an open jam on Thursdays. I went by there around 10 & they were friggin' closed. Not that I think she'd have showed up but...
Anyway here's the letter I posted to her.
Hey Sunshine. I’m not sure if you still read me or if you’ll read this anytime soon, but it’s the way I felt most comfy getting in touch with you. I don’t wish to intrude & I am stubborn & prideful & that’d be cool except that I’m also sentimental – or is that semi-mental? I’d like to tell you I’m going to be brief but we both know me too well to fall for that.
I kept telling myself I shouldn’t but I went out last week & grabbed you a little sum’n sum’n in honor of the occasion. If you’re thinking I’m foolish for having done so I’d agree with you; buying a gift for someone I'm not on speaking terms with isn’t going to get my application at NASA on the fast track. But I’ve always been a sucker where you’re concerned & I can’t imagine completely losing faith in you. I won’t send it as I don’t wish to intrude in any way, but I’ll hang on to it in case we’re cool enough to speak again some day decade. Besides it’s nothing that will spoil & it’s not like you’ve watched a certain DVD from last year yet. So I figure that in a few months or years or decades we’ll both pull our heads out of our respective asses (cause you damn well know you can be almost as stubborn as I am) & I’ll give it to you then. But if it comes down to it I’ll tuck a note in my will about a small bag in the closet. :) See? Even at my darkest & heaviest there’s a streak of optimism. Or maybe it’s just that soft spot for you weakening my pessimism. Course I’m doing it all for the cat – just so you know. ;) Besides, a very wise man once told me that in most things “possible” or “impossible” is dependent not on our capabilities, but our desires. So I beg your pardon for my little sliver of hope if it makes me seem uncharacteristic (or like the title of a Dostoevsky novel).
& a while back I set the day in question aside. Honestly I just haven't had the heart to pencil anything in since, well you know. The only ambition I have for that day is to possibly go to the bar where you saw a guitar player that you said played like you thought I would. I’m sure you already have plans & I’m not inviting you or anything (though you’d not be unwelcome if my playing for you would make your evening brighter) as I'm not even positive I'll go. I’m just saying that I will be thinking of you fondly if that makes any difference in your world.
I feel like I’m being very rude by not calling or trying to see you in light of this occasion, but under the circumstances my pride won’t let me initiate any sort of contact. & being uncertain of it causing happiness or just making us both feel awkward has something to do with it as well. If you ever wish to get in touch though you know my phone is always on for you, even if it has a silly ring associated with it. :) So excuse the lack of manners I'm displaying by waiting till I hear from you. I mean no offense by it & from my world it seems like the least offensive route to take. (& I'm always right - well except for those countless occassions when I'm wrong.) In any case understand that I want to get in touch but I will not.
Mainly I just wanted you to know that despite our peculiar & unwelcome (to me) circumstances that I wish that today is the happiest of your life, except when you compare it to tomorrow, & the day after, & the day after, etc… But know that you have at least one more person in your life that wishes you as much joy as you can desire on this occassion. The nature of our interactions may be conditional sweetie, but my caring for you never will be. Ditto for the psuedononymous feline.
If it means anything to you, if I may ever be of service, by my presence or absence, then I am at m’lady’s disposal as much as I am able to be. You’re always welcome to get in touch or to not, as you wish. But do pet the kitty for me (whatever her name is this week) as I miss her too. & if vague compliments from a crazy old fool mean anything, you will always be beautiful sweetie, no matter how pretty you are.
Take care,
(Name redacted)
p.s. & watch the vid (of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone). The song reminds me of you for obvious & not so obvious reasons (which perhaps I'll explain someday in a more private venue), but it’s a good rendition of the tune. You might even like it. (As if - methinks you're gentically programed to dislike any tunes I suggest. lol Fine. Here's Dead Can Dance's The Lotus Eaters set to a cool slideshow for ya. Happy you-know-what sweetie)
Anyway here's the letter I posted to her.
Hey Sunshine. I’m not sure if you still read me or if you’ll read this anytime soon, but it’s the way I felt most comfy getting in touch with you. I don’t wish to intrude & I am stubborn & prideful & that’d be cool except that I’m also sentimental – or is that semi-mental? I’d like to tell you I’m going to be brief but we both know me too well to fall for that.
I kept telling myself I shouldn’t but I went out last week & grabbed you a little sum’n sum’n in honor of the occasion. If you’re thinking I’m foolish for having done so I’d agree with you; buying a gift for someone I'm not on speaking terms with isn’t going to get my application at NASA on the fast track. But I’ve always been a sucker where you’re concerned & I can’t imagine completely losing faith in you. I won’t send it as I don’t wish to intrude in any way, but I’ll hang on to it in case we’re cool enough to speak again some day decade. Besides it’s nothing that will spoil & it’s not like you’ve watched a certain DVD from last year yet. So I figure that in a few months or years or decades we’ll both pull our heads out of our respective asses (cause you damn well know you can be almost as stubborn as I am) & I’ll give it to you then. But if it comes down to it I’ll tuck a note in my will about a small bag in the closet. :) See? Even at my darkest & heaviest there’s a streak of optimism. Or maybe it’s just that soft spot for you weakening my pessimism. Course I’m doing it all for the cat – just so you know. ;) Besides, a very wise man once told me that in most things “possible” or “impossible” is dependent not on our capabilities, but our desires. So I beg your pardon for my little sliver of hope if it makes me seem uncharacteristic (or like the title of a Dostoevsky novel).
& a while back I set the day in question aside. Honestly I just haven't had the heart to pencil anything in since, well you know. The only ambition I have for that day is to possibly go to the bar where you saw a guitar player that you said played like you thought I would. I’m sure you already have plans & I’m not inviting you or anything (though you’d not be unwelcome if my playing for you would make your evening brighter) as I'm not even positive I'll go. I’m just saying that I will be thinking of you fondly if that makes any difference in your world.
I feel like I’m being very rude by not calling or trying to see you in light of this occasion, but under the circumstances my pride won’t let me initiate any sort of contact. & being uncertain of it causing happiness or just making us both feel awkward has something to do with it as well. If you ever wish to get in touch though you know my phone is always on for you, even if it has a silly ring associated with it. :) So excuse the lack of manners I'm displaying by waiting till I hear from you. I mean no offense by it & from my world it seems like the least offensive route to take. (& I'm always right - well except for those countless occassions when I'm wrong.) In any case understand that I want to get in touch but I will not.
Mainly I just wanted you to know that despite our peculiar & unwelcome (to me) circumstances that I wish that today is the happiest of your life, except when you compare it to tomorrow, & the day after, & the day after, etc… But know that you have at least one more person in your life that wishes you as much joy as you can desire on this occassion. The nature of our interactions may be conditional sweetie, but my caring for you never will be. Ditto for the psuedononymous feline.
If it means anything to you, if I may ever be of service, by my presence or absence, then I am at m’lady’s disposal as much as I am able to be. You’re always welcome to get in touch or to not, as you wish. But do pet the kitty for me (whatever her name is this week) as I miss her too. & if vague compliments from a crazy old fool mean anything, you will always be beautiful sweetie, no matter how pretty you are.
Take care,
(Name redacted)
p.s. & watch the vid (of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone). The song reminds me of you for obvious & not so obvious reasons (which perhaps I'll explain someday in a more private venue), but it’s a good rendition of the tune. You might even like it. (As if - methinks you're gentically programed to dislike any tunes I suggest. lol Fine. Here's Dead Can Dance's The Lotus Eaters set to a cool slideshow for ya. Happy you-know-what sweetie)
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Let It Snow
Great. A few feet of snow fall & my store closes down. Granted it took me over an hour to get out of my parking lot but still... I kinda needed to work. Not for the cash but so I would have something to do, cause I still can't get motivated to do much around the house. Maybe tomorrow...
Kissing A Fool
I posted a letter to her on my other site. I think she still reads me but I'm not positive & I have no idea why she would. Anyway it was sappy & probably not me at my coolest but hopefully she'll read it & not think too much less of me. Funny isn't it? I'm worried about someone thinking I'm not strong enough when I don't even know if I cross her mind at all.
& I bought her fucking presents? Not that she's not worth it but c'mon - I ain't heard from her since Nov. 5th & that was a mighty cold e-mail. Maybe I am weaker than I should be.
Here's the George Michael tune. To make the vid experience more realistic I can provide the fool at no charge.
& I bought her fucking presents? Not that she's not worth it but c'mon - I ain't heard from her since Nov. 5th & that was a mighty cold e-mail. Maybe I am weaker than I should be.
Here's the George Michael tune. To make the vid experience more realistic I can provide the fool at no charge.
Friday, December 8, 2006
Just Saying No
My head is a little more together but emotionally I still feel less than stellar.
I had a date set for mid-November. The girl seemed nice & attractive & amiable to what I thought i was seeking. We talked late one night & agreed to meet the next evening. When I hung up the phone I started crying. I wasn't quite sure why - just a strange feeling in my gut that was all about her. So I went to sleep figuring it'd wear off. When i got up it was still there. I ended up calling the girl & canceling. I explained what was going on - that I just wasn't ready to move on from the last fling & she seemed understanding. That was better than I was doing because I didn't understand it at all.
I've turned down sex before but usually it was because I was involved with someone. I don't think I've ever passed up an opportunity when I wasn't even on fucking speaking terms with the object of my affection.
The odd thing is the night I was supposed to have that hook up I ran into her online. I had decided to knock out my personals profile & when i logged on that evening guess who the fuck had checked out my profile? What made it worse is that she was between a 4.5 & a 5 "heart" match according to the sites filtering system. She checked it out a few more times before I got the info yanked. The profile is still up but it's barren.
I broke down & wrote her. Told her I'd be willing to talk if she was & to call cause we both hide behind keyboards too damn much. Nada.
I keep wondering if she'll call - partially grateful that she doesn't because about every day I'm understanding things more - kind of like I'll be better to discuss all this tomorrow. But a part of me shrivels up with each day my phone doesn't ring. Maybe by her b-day...
I had a date set for mid-November. The girl seemed nice & attractive & amiable to what I thought i was seeking. We talked late one night & agreed to meet the next evening. When I hung up the phone I started crying. I wasn't quite sure why - just a strange feeling in my gut that was all about her. So I went to sleep figuring it'd wear off. When i got up it was still there. I ended up calling the girl & canceling. I explained what was going on - that I just wasn't ready to move on from the last fling & she seemed understanding. That was better than I was doing because I didn't understand it at all.
I've turned down sex before but usually it was because I was involved with someone. I don't think I've ever passed up an opportunity when I wasn't even on fucking speaking terms with the object of my affection.
The odd thing is the night I was supposed to have that hook up I ran into her online. I had decided to knock out my personals profile & when i logged on that evening guess who the fuck had checked out my profile? What made it worse is that she was between a 4.5 & a 5 "heart" match according to the sites filtering system. She checked it out a few more times before I got the info yanked. The profile is still up but it's barren.
I broke down & wrote her. Told her I'd be willing to talk if she was & to call cause we both hide behind keyboards too damn much. Nada.
I keep wondering if she'll call - partially grateful that she doesn't because about every day I'm understanding things more - kind of like I'll be better to discuss all this tomorrow. But a part of me shrivels up with each day my phone doesn't ring. Maybe by her b-day...
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