Catching Up

I haven't bene posting much (as you may have noticed). Part of it is being busy as hell. I work 5 days a week & on my days off I usually work (albeit not for cash). When I do have time I'm just not that motivated. There are a few things that may be interesting to whomever ends up reading this, but not enough to get me off my ass to type it out. The gist is I have no life, just work. which really isn't that much different than I've ever lived.

I can get off my ass & go hiking, or camping or hitting the clubs, etc... if I have some reason to do so. But being on my own I just can't find a more compelling time consumption method than working - at something. What I mean is when I have a lady to take out I can hit the movies or the trail & most places in between. I can take trips & I can just fuck around the neighborhood. But when I'm on my own I work. Not so much for the cash (as I probably put in as much time outside my paying job as I do on it) but for purpose. I think.

But I'm going to change some things. I'm giving up my other blog & probably this one as well. See I realized that despite our estrangement I find that I'm still writing for JAG. I've diced it a few times in my head & I can't see how it's a good thing. Maintaining a (mostly) single issue website to entertain a lady that's not even speaking to me, let alone in my life cannot be healthy, let alone "sweet" in internet terms. Can it?

So I'm gonna "shrug" in the Randian sense of the word. Just give it up. Hell, she'd probably be pissed if I was checking her web page so I should be pissed that she's checking mine. But I'm not. In fact in makes me feel good to know that she thinks about me at least 4 or 5 times a week. which is why I have to give it up. Taking comfort in her taking comfort from seeing my page just isn't the best reason to keep the page up. I mean if we were actually talking or something maybe it'd be different. but i fear that I'm looking at things as if something in my writing will touch her & she'll want to reconcile.

I dunno. I just haven't felt like writing for a long time & I'm only doing it for her. & as I keep trying to convince myself that can't be a good reason to write.

Course many times I've thought i was doing the right thing & it turned out wrong & this may be one of those times. But at least I own my fuck ups. :)

Maybe I'll write again. who knows?

Unhelpful Questions

I had a delivery tonight to a lady who - well, we all know the type. She meant well I assume in her own way but it'd have been cooler if she'd have just kept quiet. As she was digging around for the money (cause no one ever has the money ready when they hear me knock) she glanced my way & asked, "Have you called your mother yet? It's Mother's Day ya know...".

At first I just stared at her, fighting the urge to tell her that it was none of her fucking business, but I realized she meant no harm (those that cause harm seldom do) so I quietly said, "She passed away". The lady murmured a real quick "I'm sorry" then didn't say too much for the rest of the transaction, which was mercifully quick.

Frankie died 362 days ago. We never had the best relationship but I do miss her. I hope Lisa got through today okay, as they were a bit closer.