Picture

Kid Rock tune. He did it with Sheryl Crow (as can be seen here) & that's the one most people have heard but I stumbled onto this vid of him doing the tune with LeAnn Rhimes. I always dug the way she sung, & the way she aggravated a few female vocalists I knew who had to do some of her material.

"I've been living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun" something or other "in 3 damn days."

It's been a helluva lot longer than 3 damn days. 3 months since the b-day. I feel better than I did a month or two back but it still saps me sometimes; the lack of motivation mainly. Emotionally I'm pretty drained. It takes some effort for me to feel things as deeply as I do & I've been feeling a lot as of late.

Matter of fact it's been exactly 3 months (by the calendar) since I've heard from her, & that was a fairly cold note. Still I spent some time tonight driving around thinking about things - her part & my part & where each of us did things that were uncool. Same conclusion; we could repair the damage & possibly even have something very cool come out of it, but it's impossible if she's not willing to try. & not being in touch leads me to believe she's not willing. Still, she checks out my other site. After all this time it can't be because she wants to make sure I'm not suicidal or anything (not that I ever have been – just sayin’). The girl cares, but to what extent I do not know. It's all academic though if she won't act upon it.

I should just move the fuck on but I really don't want to. It'd be easy to revert back to my dog-like state, seducing as many women as I can (or trying to at least) - but what's the point? I did that for about a year & the whole fucking time I couldn't shake her from my mind. It'd be the same if I tried it now; I'd be with someone else to pass the time but I'd be desiring her. Not that I like being alone & lonely but it seems the only option because not just anyone will do this time around. I'm afraid I know too much about myself & how I tick now for the old tricks to work.

So I’ll live my life in a slow hell but skip the different girl every night part. The American Federation of Musicians will have my card if they find out about this. :)

Still, 3 months to the day since she sent that last e-mail. Took her maybe 10 minutes to write? If she'd have just put that much fucking effort into giving me a little compassion on my b-day things would have been different for both of us. Sad isn’t it? She could scrape together 10 minutes to tell me I was crazy & that she was done but she couldn't scrape together 10 minutes to wish me a happy b-day.

& if you're wondering why I'm still hanging on to someone who'd behave in such a way - well sometimes I do too. But then I think of how she thinks, & types; little phrases she's used. The way she looks when she's trying not to laugh at me, the way she kisses me when she's glad to see me. The way she did care. I just can’t fathom that she’s stopped doing the latter even if she’s not acting upon it.

Objectively I could say that there are thousands or tens of thousands like here around the area, but to me she is more than the sum of her parts & I'm afraid replacing her would be impossible. She's flawed & in some ways downright fucked up, but not so much that she's not still the most beautiful woman I know. & she doesn't look bad either. :)

The problem is that I love her. It’s complicated by my emotions not just being base – I care for her mind as much as for her body. Despite the circumstances I still know her to be a good person, one of the coolest I know. She dissed me pretty hard but I don’t think badly of her in general, just that her actions were cold & uncaring.

As bad as things have been the damage isn't irreparable - unless she doesn't want it to be. I'm just hoping in 3 months I won't be writing about her as I am now: as a lady I miss terribly.

Rambling Man

I feel odd. Not necessarily bad but not well either - just different than last weekend for instance.

There's a balance that's ideal for men. You don't want to be too emotional (read wimpy) yet you don't want to be too stoic (read asshole). I always thought in relationships I did a decent job of balancing those sides of myself. Sure; I'd lean one way or the other, never perfectly in the middle, but it'd be reasonably balanced. I don't think I've ever raised my voice let alone hand to a woman I was involved with but at the same time I never broke down & cried when something displeased me.

But maybe I've gotten it wrong. Maybe JAG wanted more stoicism than I showed her last time around?

It's sad that games are played in relationships, but I think part of that is subconscious & cannot be helped. For example if you try to get too close to someone they tend to back away. It doesn't matter that much if you realize what's going on because it's an emotional response that you can't help but feel.

So maybe with JAG I tried to get too close, or she thought I was trying to get too close. Which from my end seems not quite the way it happened, but from her perspective it very well could have been the way it occurred. & her perspective matters more than reality when it comes to her acting.

With KS I was gentle, but I was also pretty firm about some things. She saw that as me being controllable in some things & a complete ass about others.

I'll admit up front I'm not the easiest person to live with or sometimes even deal with, but I'm not a complete asshole or a raging wimp either. I can be emotional & sentimental - I have a romantic streak in me - but I'm also tough as hell. I've been through quite a lot & while phased by it I'm still functional. I've also been as protecting as I think I've needed to be. I've shown caring & the willingness to put effort into helping out my partner. Not just with the dishes or taking care of the kittens, but by talking & listening & being most willing to step in a situation for whatever it was worth.

I don’t know. Maybe JAG viewed me as not being strong enough to deal with her life the way she envisions it. She'd be wrong as hell but her perception governs her actions, just as my perception governs mine. Reality is something else entirely.

I feel odd though. Odd because I'm still dwelling on her; that I'm still trying to rationalize what happened; to understand her, etc. I know what's up. I also know there's nothing I can do about it; it's entirely up to her to contact me or not & after that it's up to her if she wants to work something out with me. The only decision I can make under the circumstances is to shut her out completely.

That makes me feel a bit more helpless than I like. Not being able to act in some way is the most frustrating thing in the world for me. But it's also how it is.

We're defaulting on not being in each other's lives right now. It may be permanent. I don't want to accept that because I do care for the girl deeply, but I'm not so much a fool that I don't see that as a possible & perhaps likely outcome.

So it's not like either of us have to put forth any effort into things; they're the way they are & will continue till one of us tries to change that. That "one of us" has to be her. Maybe it's prideful or something but I really got this thing about courting rejection &/or bugging people.

But like I said I feel odd. Maybe it's accepting that I'm alone or that she isn't going to call tonight for whatever reason. Or maybe I'm getting comfy with her not being in my life. I kind of doubt that because she was always a bright spot in my world. Not that my world was that dark to begin with but she made it a little brighter.

Most likely is that I'm just tired of feeling bad. Not that I feel all perky & cheerful just to feel different but there's only so much emotional exploring I can do before I'm too drained to carry on with things as is.

But I still care for her & think even now we could work things out. I don't think either one of us has done anything to eliminate the potential we had even though it'd require more effort now than it would have before to realize it. Then again maybe it'd be better next time around than it would have been last time? Who knows?

All I can say for certain is that I miss her - not what she was to me but her. It's pointless to wonder if she misses me too or if I ever cross her mind but ya know damn well I do. I wish I could turn it off but I know myself too well. For the rest of my life I'll miss her if she doesn't come back around, it's just that over time I'll get used to missing her.

Maybe that's the odd feeling - I'm beginning to get used to missing her?

Strippers

My buddy KP & his wife hired a dancer for their son's 18th b-day party a few weeks back. I was over there because we have some projects we're working on together in his garage. The young lady came in & hung out for a bit before they were ready for her downstairs. I talked to her & she seemed cool. She told me she was close to hanging up her g-strong - just a few more student loan payments to make.

I've been around dancers most of my life. It sort of went hand in hand with that musician thing. I never dated a practicing dancer but I've been friends with more than a few. They make good cash but I do feel a bit of pity for them as they see a very fucked up side of men which in my experience has altered their judgment of the rest of us. But some of the sweetest biggest hearted folks I ever hung out with were strippers.

Anyway they (KP & his wife) urged me to come down to see the look of surprise on the kid's face. So I wandered downstairs & watched for a minute or two. The lady was attractive - I noticed that when we were chatting up in the garage. The kid was surprised & his friends were acting like 18 year old boys do when they see a pretty dancer. & all that was cool.

But then she took off her shirt.

I've seen a few naked women in my life & I've never been shy. but she had a tattoo across her back. Not that I have anything against tats (I just never wanted one for myself) but it caused a flashback. JAG has a tat on her back. A fairly big one. & one on her neck, & arm, & stomach & on each calf.

So I went back upstairs & started working on the project again. It wasn't like I was going to go home with her even if I tried. I just didn't feel cool about seeing a pretty young lady with a tat on her back stripping for someone else. & I know it was because I kept thinking of JAG. KP asked me why I didn't stick around & I told him some bullshit so he wouldn’t take offense. I don't like whining to folks about stupid things I'm going through (this blog notwithstanding).

I really pick fucked up things to get sentimental about.

Harrington

It all starts when I'm 2 months old.

Frankie & Johnny had been having some problems & Frankie went to try to work things out with him. She left me with Jean & Frank & that's where I stayed. I asked her once why she didn't take me with her & she said that every time she tried I'd fight to stay with Jean & Frank. This was true, but not until I was a bit older - say 4 or 5. But that was all the answer I got from her. I asked Johnny once & he said he wanted to but every time he mentioned it Frankie just said, "no; he's fine with mama & daddy".

So my grandparents became my parents, which created a very odd family dynamic. I didn't really view Frankie & Maria as my mother an aunt - it was more like two older sisters. Well kinda. But it never really bothered me; Jean & Frank were great. They gave me all the love & security that anyone could need & I always reasoned that it worked out better for me & for them.

Of course this situation did create problems. Frankie & I had a very stoic relationship. She wasn't the most emotionally expressive person to begin with. When we'd talk she'd either be neutral or angry. So I picked up on that & did her one better - I was either neutral or a smart ass.

By the time I was 13 frank was starting to decline. So I ended up quitting school when I turned 16 in part to take care of him but also in part to pursue the music career I was starting. By the time I was 17 I was doing CNA type work on him - changing compression stockings, administering meds, cleaning him up, etc... I would carry him to Maria's car whenever he had a doctor's appointment. One of the last times I did this I was greatly worried that he wasn't going to come home. I told him I loved him like I had a few dozen times before that year & he looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes & said, "I love you too Michael". To this day it's the level of sincerity that I use to judge all others.

He died when I was 18. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed but they told me he went peacefully. He just stopped breathing. He didn't talk much to begin with & hadn't said anything for several hours that day when he asked Maria & Frankie if I had any good pants to wear to his funeral. They told him I did & that was the last he spoke. A few hours later he passed.

Jean went to live with Maria & she did okay for a while. But she started to decline when I was getting near 21. I tried to go there & tend to her as i did Frank but I don't think I did as much for her as I could or should have. She went into a nursing home that October & in November she passed.

Before she started getting too sick I took her to KFC one day. She loved their mashed potatoes. I talked with her & told her I was real sorry about all the arguing & fussing I had done with her as I was growing up. She just looked out the window & said, "I don't remember any of that". So from her in her last days I learned about forgiveness towards those you care for.

When she passed I was on my own. I started to feel the loss of the security they had provided for me. I didn't speak to anyone in the family for months after her funeral.

Frank & I were arguing once & he told me to stand over his grave & make sure he was buried. I forget the context - it very well could have been a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" type thing but I took it literally. Jean said something similar so with both of them I stood over their graves & made sure the dirt was poured on them. With Frank it was a pleasant day weather-wise. With Jean it was raining. I stayed for both of them because it was the last thing I felt I could do for them in this world - keeping a promise that probably wasn't meant to be kept in the first place.

Anyway I've been on my own ever since. I never went back to college after Jean passed, instead gigging as much as I could. Before too long I was doing it as a career. I did so until I moved halfway across the country, then I just stopped. Since then I've mainly been delivering pizzas for a living.

& I started writing. It doesn't pay a damn thing but I've spent a great deal of time writing, first in chat rooms (where I learned how to type) then in forums & finally on blogs.

& that's where I am today career wise. I'm delivering pizzas & writing on two blogs - one about a specific field & the other is this one, which is mainly my musing & whining about life. There's more to tell about me than what I've written so far but I'll save that for another post. This is just the background to give you an idea of where I come from - or more precisely how I became who I was & might still be.

Elton Was Right

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever.
Between you & me I can honestly say that things can only get better."

Ayup. Things can't get much worse. We're not speaking to each other at all. I've been avoiding Yahoo Messenger because it bugs me when I see her on & know we ain't going to IM each other. Hell I've been avoiding being at home when I think she's going to be online. If I get out of work at 11:30 p.m. I fuck around for a while then come home & turn on a movie till at least 1 or sometimes 2 a.m.

Today was 3 months since I've seen her. In a few days it'll be 3 months since we've communicated in real time. & in a few weeks it'll be 3 months since we've fallen out.

I checked out her MySpace page once in mid November but not since. I checked out her yahoo personals profile a few times but by early December I stopped hitting yahoo Personals at all. I tore down my page anyway. It got to me that she'd always come up in the top 5 of my searches. Usually as a "5 heart match". Not sure if it's ironic but it did sting a bit. I figure if she wants me to know about her life she'll call. If she doesn't - well I'm not a stalker, or a spy. Besides, no point in looking in on her. If she needed anything from me she'd be in touch wouldn't she? Or maybe her sister would actually get in touch in her stead if JAG's need was great. In any case I'm not up to reading about how cool her life is going w/o me in it. Petty maybe but we all have pettiness about us in some things. & it’s not that I don't wish her happiness, I just don't want to be a spectator if I'm not directly involved.

3 months & not a word from her. Maybe that's just the way life is, but I thought she & I had a deeper connection than that. Deep enough that if we did stop speaking it'd have been on better terms.

Something I dwell on more than I should is that I'm pretty sure she still checks out my site. My other site, the one where I'm anonymous & I don't talk about my personal life. & it's cool if she gets any enjoyment out of my scribbling but I do wonder why the hell she's hanging on to me that way. Does she actually care but just think things are too messed up to contact me at the moment? Does she feel guilty & just want to make sure I'm alive & pissed about politics? Or is she hoping to see some kind of sign from my site that she'll take as meaning it's cool to completely abandon me or to get back in touch again?

I could always ask her but A: that'd mean I'd have to approach her & B: that might make her stop dropping by.

The first is my pride. Yeah I know, goeth before a fall & all that. But man has to have some pride about his life doesn't he? Even if it's not especially a cool kind of pride, some is better than none right?

The second - as fucked up as I am I never wished harm on anyone I cared for despite their actions towards me. & even more than that I honestly want those I care for to be happy. If her reading my site brings her some kind of comfort or security or peace or happiness then I would not take that away from her.

Though I have noticed in some post over there I write as if she's my target (& perhaps sole) audience). The latter might not be too far from the truth; I get about 250 hits a day but a lot of those are search engine results leading folks to me. Any readers are better than no readers but that'd mean less than half of my traffic is deliberate. & of those that do come to me on purpose I have no idea how many are daily readers or weekly readers.

I'm just sure she hits me 4 or 5 times a week. Hell she even left a comment on another site I pointed to the other day. I recognized the way she typed, the way she phrased. Which is fucked up because that's part of why I care for her - her mind & the way she thinks. Not that she's not fine as hell – she is, but that wouldn't matter to me in her case.

So 3 months have gone by. Will it be 3 more? Or 3 more years? Or will she pull her head out of her ass only to find that I've passed on? It's not like odds are in favor of me reaching retirement age or anything. Maybe I tend to be dramatic about my own mortality but genetics & my habits are not in my favor.

In any case i am thinking of her, fondly & aggravatedly. We could have had so much fun since then, & maybe arrived at something cooler than we had. But her actions & my pride fucked that up. For the time being & perhaps eternally.

Still I'm thinking of her when I should be 2 or 3 flings distant by now. Out of all my faults, & there are many to choose from, she shouldn't ever think not caring or feeling some sort of devotion is one of them.

3 months really isn't that long, unless you miss someone deeply then it's an eternity. (yeah that was a bit dramatic but it flowed nicely as a phrase don't you think?) I'm hoping that it won't be another 3 months, or that in October of 2007 I'm able to send her an "anti-versary" e-mail like I did last July. But hoping won't accomplish much. She knows I'd like to talk & she knows I won't instigate contact. Her court, her decision, etc...

Things can only get better. Not that they will but from the ground the only direction left to go is up.

Work Related Bitching

I really don't like my job. It's not the job itself it's the bullshit involved.

I deliver pizzas. I've been doing it full time for the past 5 years or so. The work itself ain't bad as long as you don't have something else you could be doing. I do or did & it kind of gets to me at times.

The cooks play the radio too fucking loud. I keep cutting it down & they keep cutting it back up when I leave. When I'm trying to take an order it's a pain in the ass. But even when I'm not I really don't want to hear music.

I snapped at FB the other day - well not snapped but he's kind of introverted so that's how he took it. I turned the radio down & he asked why I did that so I said, "If I wanted to listen to music while I worked I'd be a fucking musician wouldn't I?" which I think sums up my discontent at the office.

But then again I haven't made any efforts since November to be a musician. Hell I haven't even picked up my guitar since November 4th. Not something I'm particularly proud of but I haven't felt the motivation. The phrase "what's the fucking point?" comes to mind every time I look at my axe.

Still it bugs me because while it being honest work it's not what I trained for or spent so many fucking years to be. I didn't miss Friday night dates to learn how to deliver fucking pizzas. Nor did I let relationships that may have been cool slide because I had to take some their fucking pie.

& when there's 3 fucking feet of snow on the ground & it's 10 damn degrees you'd think people would tip wouldn't you?

But it's aggravating. I still don't talk a work unless I have to. It's a shame because J (the driver) & I usually had some good chats, ditto for FB & I think they both think it's something against them. It's not but how do I tell them "I dig talking to you but right now I don't want to talk to anyone while I'm at this fucking place?” Well there's just telling them that but it's easier for me to just keep my mouth shut.

So I dislike my job but I'm not looking for anything else. I keep thinking of moving but I don't think I will. Not just yet anyway. No idea why. Maybe I'm hanging on to the idea that things will work out with JAG somehow? Not likely but possible. I think it's more that I lack motivation.

For a long time I did things for myself. But ever since my grandparents passed I wondered what would motivate me since I didn't have anyone to take care of. I started tending to them when I was 13. By the time I was 17 I was doing the work of a CNA with my grandfather. Anyway they passed & I had no one to care for in the physical sense. I got on with things though I admit it was a shaky start. But I had school then gigs & they kind of added a momentum. When I got out here & lost my axe I chilled. & I got used to that I guess.

Then came KS & I did take care of her in some ways. So when she bailed on me - actually I took care of her long after that - I was on my own again. & JAG - she didn't need me as much as KS did but that's what I thought was beautiful about "us". She wanted me around but wasn't co-dependent.

When she abandoned me I kind of kept going. I had Frankie to worry about I guess even though I couldn't do much for her directly.

In any case I don't have anyone to live for or care for. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't see the reason for putting forth any more effort than I have to if it's just going to be for my fucking self.

Call it some sort of external validation issue if you want, but I need someone that cares as a motivator. When I have that in my life or at least the potential for that I'm fine. Hell I can do great & wondrous things. But minus that - when I'm looking at growing fucking old all by me onesies then I just can't get fired up about things. Life kicks me & I stay down, perhaps take a nap.

& no; that's probably not the healthiest way to look at things but that is what I think I do. I'm a man & I handle things but why go through the hassle of moving when I can be alone & unsatisfied at work right here?

Maybe this will pass. I can't recall ever feeling quite this way before, though I recall shades of it here & there. Some stronger some weaker just never quite the same mix as I'm feeling now.

The bitch is that it's not cool for me to go out & just find someone to latch onto. I have t think that A: they care & B: they're worthy of my caring. Unfortunately right now JAG is the only candidate & - well things have been better between us.

So that's what aggravates me about work. The other stuff - well it's a bullshit job & I know it's a bullshit job & I'm used to dealing with that kind of bullshit. The little things & big things aren't a real hassle to deal with - just minor aggravations. It's why I'm still dealing with it that makes the job so dreaded at times.

There's a brightside though; only 28 more years & I can retire. :)

Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales

Well really it's just the one tale but it has multiple parts. I'll start with the most recent component:

I was going to go to an open jam on JAG's b-day. I had told her (albeit discreetly & cryptically & with no certainty that she got the message) that I'd be there & if she liked I'd play for her. It was a decent bar with a good band hosting the jam. It's mainly a blues jam but I grew up playing blues & it was probably going to be a cool thing. Besides I'd gotten them to do some light jazz before so if I got tired of I-IV-V's I could fall back on some Herbie Hancock or something. I got there around 10 p.m. & noticed they'd closed due to the weather. I was bummed not just because it was going to be the first time I played anything in a month & a half but because I might have been able to make JAG's b-day a little happier. That was probably the last kick while I was already on the ground but the story won't make sense until you know what went on before...

I had an audition on November 2nd. It was for a heavy old school dance band. Earth, Wind & Fire; Chaka; Prince; Kool & the Gang; etc. The cash was right & so was the calendar (it was full & I like to work as much as possible when I'm gigging). They sent me a list of about 50 tunes & without doing any practice at all I knew about 30 of them. This wasn't right up my alley; it was that little crook in the side wall of my alley. I'd been playing this stuff since some of it was top 40. & of all the styles I play this is one which I do really well at. If it's not my best then it's tied with whatever is. I played my first heavy dance band in 1989 & - well I'm getting off topic.

So they were impressed that I already knew enough tunes to get through an entire show from jump street (that's old school southern jive for "right off the bat"). The first tune we did was Kiss by Prince. This is one of the tunes I'm at my funkiest on. They were impressed. We went on to Smooth by Santana. i had taught a show band I was in how to play the damn song a few weeks after it came out - I even charted it out for them (including horn parts) so I was solid on that. The bass player kept leaning over my amp during the bridge. The second time around he looked up & grinned at the singer & said "this little scraggly motherfucker's got the right chords!". I knew I was in.

We did Brick House by the Commodores, Chameleon by Herbie Hancock & finished things up with Ain't Nobody by Chaka (a tune I do deeply dig - so much that I haven't listened to it again until tonight). I was doing a blend of the keyboard & guitar parts (since their board player couldn't make it) & again that impressed them. They dug the way I played & I didn't have any doubts that I had the gig.

I don't usually brag about things or even mention shit like that before it's solid - solid meaning I have a date on the calendar - but I called JAG on the 3rd to tell her about it cause I was psyched - she'd be seeing me really play soon & that meant something to me, almost as much as me getting to really play for anyone. I got her machine. I didn't mention anything about it in the message I left & she never called back so I can't say I jinxed myself on this one.

I went to see them play that night (the 3rd) & they were tight except their guitar player really didn't suit them. He was good but not style appropriate to what they were doing. Again I thought I was in. They said they'd holler at me when I left.

I waited a week & called them. I got the machine & haven't heard from them since.

That's the music biz. Musicians are the flightiest bunch of motherfuckers to ever feign an aptitude for business.

Since I've been out here I've had 3 gigs. All within a month back in 2003. All the other offers I've gotten the money hasn't been right. I'll take $90 per night but I like to see $100. They were talking $50 to $70. I can make more than that at entry level fast food. I didn't train as much as some fucking doctors do to make that kind of cash. So I don't play below scale.

I've done 1 benefit since I've been here. Back home I'd usually do 2 or 3 a year. One of the coolest I did was an elderly care facility where a guy who ran a band I was gigging in part time had his mother at. The other was another elderly care facility a friend from the open jams played once a week. The sincerity of their appreciation to hear live music was something I've never forgotten, & I've never been shy about doing charity work. I get more out of it than I do from most paying gigs.

But they ain't no charity in a bar. Not when a cover is being charged & whisky costs money. So if I don't get paid right I don't gig.

But the flightiness of musicians:

In 2000 I was playing with these guys - a showband doing old Beach tunes. They wanted me to play for free not just at some fucked up awards show but at a gig in a bar the night before. I registered my objections & they said if I didn't play I was gone. I swallowed my pride & played the gig. I had a bad as hell cold too, but I drove there (4 hour drive), got a room at my own fucking expense & made the gig (thanks to Theraflu tablets). They said not to sweat the awards thing cause it was lip synched anyway (another reason I didn't want to do the damn thing - I've never faked it in my whole fucking career). The sound man gave me a heads up that night that I was gone. A few days later I got a conference call from the owners of the band & I was out. This was in late November so no X-mas gigs for me. No notice outside of the sound guys discreet warning. I'd given at least two weeks notice with every band I've ever played with. Being fired outright with no notice fucked me up for a few months. I ended up leaving the state that spring but not as prepared financially as I would have liked. Sudden unemployment does that to you.

In March of 2000 I had a gig booked. Just a duo with this singer I had been working with, but it was for a fairly well connected agent. We do a decent job & he had an assload of work for us. I knew the hotel we were playing & things were looking up. The singer called me & told me he had car trouble & couldn't make it. I offered to send a cab for him but he declined. I suggested a few other solutions so he could make the gig but he just wanted to go home. I ended up not getting work in that town again for months because of having to cancel on such short notice, but I don't sing & truthfully was counting on the singer for a ride anyway.

In January of 2000 I was doing some theater work - mainly filling in for this guitarist who had another band. I showed up one night to do the gig & the band director met me outside, asked if I got their call & told me I was gone. I asked why & they said they double booked guitar players to fill in for the main guy. I talked my way into a $50 severance (that's after he pulled a fuckin' Glock on me which is another story all by its damn self – he could have at least used a real pistol) but the gig would have paid $100 as would the other half dozen gigs I had booked there. That was a blow.

In the fall of '99 I was putting together bands to play mainly short notice gigs at this bar. After about a month of being the resident guitarist they started to book me in advance. I had this tight little 4 piece blues thing booked one weekend. it was a long weekend as Halloween fell on that Sunday. Come Sunday the bar owner is there (I had been dealing with the bartender who managed the club) & she told me that they'd double booked & since we'd played two nights they were going to let the other guys play that night. The bartender was pissed because this effected her reputation & I was livid because I didn't see how the bar owner's mistake should effect our contract. In the end I talked her into paying me 3/4's of what we would have made & I paid the band what they would have made. Not a severe blow but I had counted on 3 nights of work & only got paid for 2 with rent coming up.

In the spring of '99 I was working a pool gig with this trio. Me, a phenomenal bass player, singer/sax player & a drum machine (I'm not proud of it but a pool gig is a pool gig). I spent hours getting the right patterns for the drum machine & I was controlling it for the first few weeks (until the bass player wanted to play with it). The singer/sax player was an alright guy as long as you weren't doing business with him. For some reason he didn't care for me. Anyway he was mediocre at best & his timing was always off. No biggie except he blamed me for it (& I checked with the bass player who was a better musician than I was & he agreed that my timing was solid; it was the singer/sax player's that was off). That was even cool until he told me he was going to knock my pay down from $90 a day to $75 till I fixed my timing problems. I told him I needed a two weeks notice before he touched my pay & he agreed so I immediately put in my two weeks notice. I wasn't going to play that far below scale for a fucking pool gig. But because of his being an ass (he gave an unsolicited bad recommendation of me to a band I was talking to a few weeks later) I didn't have a meaningful gig for the rest of the summer. I hadn't looked because I had something sown up & by the time I was looking at a two week notice everything had been taken except the one band that he talked into turning me down.

In early '99 I had the same house gig I had a few months before. Thing about house gigs is they're cool while they last but if you don't get a month's notice then you're out of work as most bars book at least a month in advance. We played Wednesday through Saturday. One Saturday the bar owner walked in & told us we were out & had to have our equipment out of the club by that Tuesday. We ended up not working for about 6 weeks.

In late '98 I was living with GAvO. I had a house gig 4 nights a week & things were alright. I got a phone call from a cruise ship band. They wanted me to do a few months with them. The cash was right & everything sounded cool. I should note that when they called the first question they asked me wasn't about how I played or how I worked. They said, "are you cute?". Of course I lied my ass off - hell yeah I'm cute. :)

Anyway the plan was GAvO would move into a one bedroom place & I'd store my stuff with her, hitting her couch a few weeks out of the year. I sold my car, gave notice with my band & was two weeks away from jumping a bus to Miami. The night I gave my notice they called & asked if I could sing Sinatra. I said nope. They said that they had a change in venue & didn't need a guitar player anymore but needed someone who could sing Sinatra & since I couldn't then the offer was withdrawn.

Needless to say that fucked me up in more ways than one. None of them pleasantly.

In early ‘98 I was playing with this guy mainly doing duo work. I knew the manager at a hotel where he was playing & talked them into expanding their Sunday budget so I could do the gig with him instead of him just doing a solo act. I knew what the cash was; he was getting $150 as a single. They gave him $300 to make it a double. At the end of he first gig I'm expecting $150. I got $100. He reasoned since he owned the PA he should get more. Turns out he'd been doing that to me with every fucking gig we played. A few weeks after that he gave me a two week notice that I was out, which was decent of him. It should have been expected but considering how other musicians are it was a cool thing amidst an uncool thing. But still it left me gigless for a while.

In '96 I was playing for this guy on salary. I was thinking of moving to L.A. to hang w/ my girl SD but wanted to save some cash before hitting Cali. Well things were going alright till July & August, when we lost two weeks of work to hurricanes & another couple of weeks the band leader told us that we "didn't make salary". Didn't make salary? I think the concept of salary escaped him but nevertheless we were out cash. About a month's pay in all & that was a hit that I couldn't just get over very quickly. Cali was out by that point anyway.

In ‘96 earlier in the year I'd busted my ass to get my passport. Why? The guys I was playing with had some connections & a mini-tour of Israel was planned. It fell through.

In ‘95 I drove 4 hours to audition at a resort. My whole band did actually. We thought we had things sown up & were getting ready to move. 2 weeks before we were supposed to start playing (& two weeks after we'd given notice where we lived, etc...) the band director called us over to his place. He was in tears cause he got a call early that morning saying the deal was off.

Again fucked up plans.

I could go on but it'd not be too different in direction than what I've laid out so far. Looking back I can't say the music biz has been great to me. I've had some really cool gigs & played some really nice places with some really hot bands & seen appreciation from my audience. & the traveling was cool (when it wasn't a curse). But I've been doing this bullshit since I was 15. I've played for people & ran my own bands. It takes some motivation to brave the bullshit that the music biz entails & after the last bit of professional rejection I just can't say I have that motivation. I might get it back one day but for now I'm - well I'm not cool with not playing, but I'm more than cool with not dealing with musicians.

Still I miss the playing so I know it'll just be a matter of time before I succumb to the temptation to give it another try. I don't know if that makes me admirably persistent or pitifully foolish. Maybe musicians have to be both? & maybe one day I'll be a musician again. Just not today.

Angel

Sarah Mclachlan. Here's the vid set to a slideshow about those fallen in battle.

I miss Frankie. On my b-day was about the only time I could expect her to call. She’d call randomly throughout the year but most of the time it was her getting Danny to call then once I was on the line she'd talk to me. But on my b-day she'd call direct.
That's another reason why I needed to hear from JAG on my b-day, but it seems she wasn't there for me.

You know I still miss my friggin' grandparents. It’s not an everyday thing but when they pass through my mind I feel the little "ache" that's left from the big ache I had right after they respectively passed. He's been gone almost 17 years & she's been gone just over 14.

This is why I don't have a cat of my own. When I care I tend to care deeply & when the loss hits it's - well you probably know. I get attached to cats. It’s not as bad as humans but it’s bad enough.

& I like cats damn it. KS's cats were probably my best pals for a long time. & JAG's cat - we never spent a whole lot of time together but I liked the furry little leg scratcher. When I saw JAG's cat for the first time in about a year & a half she comes running up to me meowing loud & rubbing on my shin. JAG told me she only does that when the cat is mad at her for being gone too long. At the time I thought it was cool & might just give JAG an intellectual reason to let me be in her life & her be in mine. Maybe I just do better with cats than people.

But Frankie - we were never really close. Not like a mother & son should be. That was as much my fault as hers I reckon. But still I knew the woman my whole life. Actually a little bit longer than that. I never looked to her for comfort or reassurance because she'd likely as not denied it if I'd have asked but there was a comfort in talking to her. Even when she was chewing me out over something she thought I'd done wrong. Or maybe that on reflection her absence makes me miss the arguments? I dunno.

My problems with JAG weren't due to Frankie's passing. But the way Frankie & I were when she was alive had something to do with it. Or more precisely the things I learned from Frankie effected how I dealt with JAG & everyone else before her. Not in such a way to directly cause anything to end, but enough to influence things for the worse at times.

JAG could have helped me through it though; not the directness of Frankie's passing, but the indirectness of the way Frankie & I lived. I just needed someone to care; to show it; to demonstrate that they weren't going to bail & they'd give me a little emotional support if I needed it. Maybe I'll write more about that later when I'm not so tired & bummed.

I hate missing people; especially ones I care for. The only bright side is with JAG there's still a chance at reconciliation. Not a great one but as long as she & I are alive then in theory we could talk about things. The rift Frankie & I had can't ever be repaired because she's gone.

I miss them both. For different reasons & in different ways but the basic sense of loss is still there. I'll get used to it over time but right now it hurts.

I'm going to go try to sleep it off, maybe at least dream about the people & felines I can't touch anymore, but who still touch me.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

I have 3 beers in my fridge. I don't drink beer. Never have.

I bought them on November 3rd. They're a Russian import called Baltica. I bought them for her for my b-day.

I screwed around a little that day. I went shooting which I hadn't done in forever, then drove around the mountains for a spell & headed back home. I stopped by Joe's Crab Shack & blew I forget how much on a to-go order. I bought enough for two.

I never ate it. The beers still sit in my fridge, as does the coffee I bought in September (I don’t' drink coffee either).

At 10 p.m. I opened the doors to air out the place. After freezing my ass off for 30 minutes I closed the house tight & cranked the heat way up. I lit candles & lamps & had the music engine on something chill.

I had invited her over & thought i stressed that it was real important to me. I'd talked with her before about how my b-day was something important to me. Since I never heard back from her I assumed we were on.

She had a clinical (she's a nursing student) & wouldn't be out till about 11:30p.m. By 12:30 a.m. I called her & left a brief message. By 1 a.m. I called again I left a slightly longer one that was a tad distraught. By 3 a.m. I was tore up.

She wrote the next day saying I expected too much from her & that she was only a friend & that she thought I was crazy for thinking she could have made it. She went on to list all the things she had going on (mostly school related) & how stressed she was & as an after thought mentioned that maybe she should have told me she didn't plan on coming.

I didn't reply. What the fuck could I say? It was obvious she didn't give a damn, even as a friend.

To be fair I wouldn't have been happy but if she'd have just fucking called to wish me a happy b-day I would have been in better shape. If she could have made it over for 15 minutes that's all I'd have needed. It wasn’t about getting laid - it was just about knowing someone I cared about cared fucking back - cared enough to put forth a little effort on my b-day.

Hell I went out of my way for her on hers & would have gone further - & she was dating someone else at the time.

If she couldn't have made it over she could have invited me over there. Again only 15 minutes or so would have been cool enough. & if for some fucked up unconceivable reason she couldn't have made it she could have at least called - not to tell me she wasn't coming but just to say, "hey - i can't make it & I know that disappoints you but I'm thinking fondly of you & want you to have fun. happy b-day & sometime next week I'll try to make some time to see you & we'll celebrate it then". It'd have taken all of 5 minutes to call & say that.

That's what fucked me up; the girl I thought cared acted like she didn't. It's still hard to imagine that she doesn't but what other conclusion can I come to, or at least act upon?

But I haven't acted upon it. I haven't slept with anyone but her since early August - when she came around again. I turned down 3 women from August till late October. That'd be cool & all but I haven't seen her since October 20th. I've turned down a couple since then. I tried getting back into the game & for about two weeks I was hitting the dating sites & going about my usual routine, but when I came close to meeting someone I backed off.

I just don't want anyone but her. It's not the way she looks or the way she fucks or any of that - it's just something about her. I love her mind; the way she thinks & talks & doesn't talk & types. The way she moves& the way she... you get the idea. Physically she's beautiful but she could gain 100 pounds & be disfigured & I'd still feel the same about her. & I don't know why - it's all out of proportion to the sum of her parts, but that's just the way it is.

Even after she dissed me on my b-day I still care for her & want to work things out somehow. Not that I see much hope in that, but I'm just not moving on yet. I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now but I'm just not motivated. About anything really. I work, come home & write a little & eat. That's about it. & I talk to myself a lot, but not too many real people hear my voice these days. At work they're used to it by now. If I speak it's because it's absolutely necessary. I admit it freaked them out at first but I think they either understand or don't let it bother them anymore as long as I do my job.

My fucking job. That's another rant.

But that's the event that caused me to stumble. A little girl disregarded me & now I'm disregarding myself.

I mean hell I lived with KS for years - dated her longer than all the other women in my life combined & she cared, but she never really loved me. With JAG I felt more caring slip from her than I'd felt from anyone in ages. I'd have bet money that she loved me on some basic level. She cared as a friend & was attracted to me. Mingled with some sort of respect or admiration & that's my simplest definition of love.

But if KS couldn't love me after years of knowing me, & JAG couldn't give a damn about me after us knowing each other so intimately, then who the fuck can?

I dunno. I know why I'm taking all this so hard & it has a lot to do with some baggage I didn’t realize I had but knowing why something happened isn’t much of a consolation if you can't act to correct things.

& ya know I never wanted anything more than for JAG & I to have a chance. I didn't think anything was set in stone or it was guaranteed to work, I just thought if we both tried it was worth seeing what happened. It hurts that I've lost her, not just cause I cared for her as a friend or lover or potential g/f, but because I cared for her.

& I have a whole week off of work to dwell on this like I know I will. I needed a vacation anyway but I still see it as wasted time - time she & I could spend having fun. I guess that's the downside of being a romantic. Or being sentimental. Or being semi-mental.

If you've made it this far through my whining you deserve a treat. Here's the Elton John vid. & yes; things can only get better, but that's no consolation for losing her like this. Or for losing myself.

Tunes

It's tricky to listen to music. When I'm doing a post I'll have the one song I'm focusing on playing over & over again. Other than that I've been avoiding tunes. At work I try to keep the radio turned down. In the car I had it on the "all Christmas all the time" station. For some reason the X-mas tunes were fairly harmless. But now the station has reverted back to its pre-X-mas format. At least I have the week off from work to get used to not having the X-mas station to rely on (I usually take the first week of January off whether I need to or not).

I love music. I'm constantly in & out of love with it but I love it. But I just can't deal with listening to it for some reason. Maybe it was always some sort of emotional crutch for me & I just don't want to lean on it right now. Or maybe I'm just getting grumpy in my old age.

There are a very few people out of a few million who don't dig music at all. An even smaller number gets some sort of discomfort from it. The rest of folks like it to some degree or another. I made my life of it for a very long time, so it's kind of ironic that now I'm denying that to myself.

I'll snap out of it at some point. I love music too much to abandon it forever. But for now the tunes are at a minimum around the house & car.

Same Old Lang Syne

Here's a vid of the Dan Fogelberg tune. It's sad but pretty.

Nothing from her, not that I expected to hear from her, but I still foolishly cling on to some hope.

From Dec 22nd till tonight I have only had Christmas off. On my days off they'd call me in cause I'm the only idiot that will consistently deliver in the snow. & granted it's fun cruising through the neighborhoods. Kind of like 4 wheeling with white mud.

The bigoted little misogynistic punk I ranted about a while back isn't there anymore so that's a plus. I'll explain some other time what happened.

New Years Eve hits me about as hard as my b-day when I'm alone. It sucks when there's no one to care for but it's worse when there is & she's not around. I'm not sure if we could reconcile - I mean it's possible if she wants to & I want to. The big question is if she'd ever want to & I'm not optimistic about her desiring me in her life in any capacity. I doubt she's had trouble moving on. Hell I doubt she'd even consider me anyone to have to move on from. She'd be quick to point out that we didn't have a commitment & we were just friends. The first part is true but not the latter; we were lovers in addition to friends. But I doubt arguing with her about definitions would do much good.

Funny, in 2006 I slept with 3 women; all of them having first names that begin with J. I could have slept with a 4th girl whose name started with J but I held back. Nothing against the other J's - they were are very sweet & beautiful & cool - but there's only one J I want & I'm afraid I don't even care to explore the other letters of the alphabet.

Maybe she'll be in touch before she goes back to school...

That Wasn't Good

Coming down some steps I hit some ice. I didn't fall but in the process of contorting myself I pulled a muscle in my back. Fortunately it only hurts when I move. Unfortunately breathing is moving. But I have a week off to recover so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Winter wonderland has its disadvantages, but it still beats 100 degree temps for months at a time with matching humidity. I'll be okay in a day or so but damn if a back rub wouldn't be nice right about now.

Another Lonely Christmas

A Prince tune. perhaps one of his most fucked up. He sings of his lover who's passed on & how he misses her especially around Christmas. My situation isn't that dire & hopefully will never be but I can dig it. When someone cuts you out of their life it's not that different than someone passing on, except that as long as y'all both are alive there's hope, no matter how slim, for reconciliation.

I'm not into Christmas. I never was even when I was a Christian. But I still get bummed when I'm alone over the holidays. Some kind of social condition I guess.

I almost expected to hear from my ex-g/f KS by now. She called last year but then again things didn't go that well so maybe she opted to skip it this time around. Just as well, she's been "done" with me for a while & - well if I thought she had really cared I don't think she'd be an ex.

Tonight is the first night I've had off since the blizzard. Not that long a work week since the store was closed for 2 days but still... For some reason the guys in 4x4's can't get out of their drive ways so they call me to come in with my 19 year old Honda. I get around fine. I've been stuck a time or two but no more than 10 minutes of effort gets me out.

I think I'll make lamb tonight. I like Lamb I just hate cooking anything elaborate when I'm the only diner. More social conditioning perhaps.

& still nothing from her.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Still haven't heard from her. In my letter I told her I'd be at a bar she knows cause it has an open jam on Thursdays. I went by there around 10 & they were friggin' closed. Not that I think she'd have showed up but...

Anyway here's the letter I posted to her.

Hey Sunshine. I’m not sure if you still read me or if you’ll read this anytime soon, but it’s the way I felt most comfy getting in touch with you. I don’t wish to intrude & I am stubborn & prideful & that’d be cool except that I’m also sentimental – or is that semi-mental? I’d like to tell you I’m going to be brief but we both know me too well to fall for that.

I kept telling myself I shouldn’t but I went out last week & grabbed you a little sum’n sum’n in honor of the occasion. If you’re thinking I’m foolish for having done so I’d agree with you; buying a gift for someone I'm not on speaking terms with isn’t going to get my application at NASA on the fast track. But I’ve always been a sucker where you’re concerned & I can’t imagine completely losing faith in you. I won’t send it as I don’t wish to intrude in any way, but I’ll hang on to it in case we’re cool enough to speak again some day decade. Besides it’s nothing that will spoil & it’s not like you’ve watched a certain DVD from last year yet. So I figure that in a few months or years or decades we’ll both pull our heads out of our respective asses (cause you damn well know you can be almost as stubborn as I am) & I’ll give it to you then. But if it comes down to it I’ll tuck a note in my will about a small bag in the closet. :) See? Even at my darkest & heaviest there’s a streak of optimism. Or maybe it’s just that soft spot for you weakening my pessimism. Course I’m doing it all for the cat – just so you know. ;) Besides, a very wise man once told me that in most things “possible” or “impossible” is dependent not on our capabilities, but our desires. So I beg your pardon for my little sliver of hope if it makes me seem uncharacteristic (or like the title of a Dostoevsky novel).

& a while back I set the day in question aside. Honestly I just haven't had the heart to pencil anything in since, well you know. The only ambition I have for that day is to possibly go to the bar where you saw a guitar player that you said played like you thought I would. I’m sure you already have plans & I’m not inviting you or anything (though you’d not be unwelcome if my playing for you would make your evening brighter) as I'm not even positive I'll go. I’m just saying that I will be thinking of you fondly if that makes any difference in your world.

I feel like I’m being very rude by not calling or trying to see you in light of this occasion, but under the circumstances my pride won’t let me initiate any sort of contact. & being uncertain of it causing happiness or just making us both feel awkward has something to do with it as well. If you ever wish to get in touch though you know my phone is always on for you, even if it has a silly ring associated with it. :) So excuse the lack of manners I'm displaying by waiting till I hear from you. I mean no offense by it & from my world it seems like the least offensive route to take. (& I'm always right - well except for those countless occassions when I'm wrong.) In any case understand that I want to get in touch but I will not.

Mainly I just wanted you to know that despite our peculiar & unwelcome (to me) circumstances that I wish that today is the happiest of your life, except when you compare it to tomorrow, & the day after, & the day after, etc… But know that you have at least one more person in your life that wishes you as much joy as you can desire on this occassion. The nature of our interactions may be conditional sweetie, but my caring for you never will be. Ditto for the psuedononymous feline.

If it means anything to you, if I may ever be of service, by my presence or absence, then I am at m’lady’s disposal as much as I am able to be. You’re always welcome to get in touch or to not, as you wish. But do pet the kitty for me (whatever her name is this week) as I miss her too. & if vague compliments from a crazy old fool mean anything, you will always be beautiful sweetie, no matter how pretty you are.

Take care,

(Name redacted)

p.s. & watch the vid (of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone). The song reminds me of you for obvious & not so obvious reasons (which perhaps I'll explain someday in a more private venue), but it’s a good rendition of the tune. You might even like it. (As if - methinks you're gentically programed to dislike any tunes I suggest. lol Fine. Here's Dead Can Dance's The Lotus Eaters set to a cool slideshow for ya. Happy you-know-what sweetie)

Let It Snow

Great. A few feet of snow fall & my store closes down. Granted it took me over an hour to get out of my parking lot but still... I kinda needed to work. Not for the cash but so I would have something to do, cause I still can't get motivated to do much around the house. Maybe tomorrow...

Kissing A Fool

I posted a letter to her on my other site. I think she still reads me but I'm not positive & I have no idea why she would. Anyway it was sappy & probably not me at my coolest but hopefully she'll read it & not think too much less of me. Funny isn't it? I'm worried about someone thinking I'm not strong enough when I don't even know if I cross her mind at all.

& I bought her fucking presents? Not that she's not worth it but c'mon - I ain't heard from her since Nov. 5th & that was a mighty cold e-mail. Maybe I am weaker than I should be.

Here's the George Michael tune. To make the vid experience more realistic I can provide the fool at no charge.

Just Saying No

My head is a little more together but emotionally I still feel less than stellar.

I had a date set for mid-November. The girl seemed nice & attractive & amiable to what I thought i was seeking. We talked late one night & agreed to meet the next evening. When I hung up the phone I started crying. I wasn't quite sure why - just a strange feeling in my gut that was all about her. So I went to sleep figuring it'd wear off. When i got up it was still there. I ended up calling the girl & canceling. I explained what was going on - that I just wasn't ready to move on from the last fling & she seemed understanding. That was better than I was doing because I didn't understand it at all.

I've turned down sex before but usually it was because I was involved with someone. I don't think I've ever passed up an opportunity when I wasn't even on fucking speaking terms with the object of my affection.

The odd thing is the night I was supposed to have that hook up I ran into her online. I had decided to knock out my personals profile & when i logged on that evening guess who the fuck had checked out my profile? What made it worse is that she was between a 4.5 & a 5 "heart" match according to the sites filtering system. She checked it out a few more times before I got the info yanked. The profile is still up but it's barren.

I broke down & wrote her. Told her I'd be willing to talk if she was & to call cause we both hide behind keyboards too damn much. Nada.

I keep wondering if she'll call - partially grateful that she doesn't because about every day I'm understanding things more - kind of like I'll be better to discuss all this tomorrow. But a part of me shrivels up with each day my phone doesn't ring. Maybe by her b-day...

Groaning The Blues

I'm still kind of stunned but I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what made me tick. I think I have some answers & I can see how I made some serious mistakes but I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it just yet. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to do anything, so I haven't been doing anything, aside from work.

The title is from a Willie Dixon tune that Clapton did a few years back.

"I'm so tired of moaning, trying to groan away my blues.
I'm so tired of moaning, trying to groan away my blues.
I keep weeping and crying every time I think of you."

I suppose that's me for a while - I can't really articulate all that's going on inside my head so I'm just gonna groan for a while.

Here's Clapton doing the tune.

Spooky Kinda Moondance

I can't recall how many times I've played those songs. I can recall that most of the times I've played them Halloween was approaching. There's just not that many decent Halloween tunes out there.

Spooky was first done by Classics IV in 1967. The version I recall most clearly is from the Atlanta Rhythm Section, which is comprised of some former members of Classics IV. But the Classics IV version is probably the most widely heard outside the South. Here's Classics IV doing it & here's ARS doing it live.

But how many tunes talk about proposing on Halloween? So it was almost destined to replace the few other tunes that had a Halloween connection. Think about it - would you rather hear Spooky or Monster Mash? Case rested.

Moondance is a Van Morrison number & consequently the name of one of his (in my humble opinion) best albums. And It Stoned Me, Into The Mystic, & Crazy Love would have made it a decent piece of vinyl (that's what those big CD's were made of back in the time before dirt) but adding Moondance really set it on the upper shelf. Here's a vid of the tune set to a neat slideshow.

Moondance is a jazzy little tune that can be swung or downplayed. You can take it too far in either direction but you almost have to try. At the heart of it is a really sweet little love song.

"Can I have just one more moondance with you, my love?
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love?"

Corny? Perhaps. But sweet. & most women will forgive corny if it's done in a sweet way (least I think so; if not that would explain all those failed relationships wouldn't it?)

A ton of jazz artists have covered Moondance. Too many to mention them all. But Paul Brown does a very tender, thoughtful version. A fellow name of Michael Buble does a more swinging version but his voice is smooth enough that it works well (plus the band doesn't over-swing it). Here's a vid of it set to a slideshow of Buble.

So if I had had an actual gig in October odds are I'd have done Spooky & Moondance. & honestly that'd have been alright as they're not bad tunes even if you don't care for Halloween. & I don't care for Halloween. Not that I hate it but it just never was a favorite holiday.

The neighborhood I grew up in was fairly rough. Not mid-60's Viet-Nam kinda rough but when I talked to an Army recruiter & he saw my zip code & found out I had never been shot he told me I could skip basic & jump right in as an E-6. On our property tax forms we did have a space for "ammo expenditures".

Back to the point - I grew up with my grandparents & they were getting on up there by the time I was a young teenager. When I was about 13 my grandfather called me into his room & told me to pick up his shotgun. He looked at me & said, "Boy, I'm getting too old & I don't see that good no more. Anyone tries to break in you gonna have to take care of 'em." So I was more or less in charge of security.

When I was 15 I had a gig on Halloween. Not a great gig - in fact that exposed me to the wonderful world of the music biz - we got ripped off. When I got back home my grandmother told me that someone had been beating on the door & threatened to break it down if they didn't give them money. They called the cops & set the hourglass to see how quick the response time was. It really was quicker to call Domino's & ask them to bring a .357 with them. But the miscreants left without doing much more than scaring a couple of old people. Well & really pissing me off. I have a soft spot for old folks & especially those old folks I'm typing about here.

So after that I spent most Halloweens as a teenager staying around the house & making sure no one tried anything unsavory. Luckily it was a fairly boring endeavor.

After my grandparents passed I did some partying on Halloween, but I was in college & we partied damn near every day anyway (least it seemed) so most were parties that just happened to occur on Halloween. We always wondered why everyone dressed funny on some days but didn't think too much of it.

So Halloween was never on my list of "great days of the year". But that doesn't mean I don't like the music. Well, except for Monster Mash.

A Change Gonna Come

Sam Cooke. An appropriate title & an appropriate song for what I'm going to bitch about tonight. Here's the tune set to an appropriate slideshow.

Where I work there are four folks I don't care for. It's mutual. They'd vote me off the island in the first round & I'd let them. But one in particular is grating as hell. Because of him I thought seriously about getting fired tonight.

He's about 17 or 18. Good looking kid. Kinda scrawny. He's also borderline incompetent at his job, has no sense of personal responsibility & can generally be described as a punk. All that would be bearable except he's a bigot & misogynist.

Twice before he's uttered the "N" word quite loudly & conversationally. So twice before I've explained to him that it's not just an uncool thing for a punk-ass little white kid to be saying, but it could be perilous. A few others have had this chat with him as well.

A few weeks back he casually, in conversation called a young lady who works there a bitch. This particular young lady is one of the few people up there who actually works & I'm quite fond of her. So the boss stepped in front of me as I was heading towards him & the boss more or less cut me off.

Now let me preface this a bit. I'm not a very violent person. I do have a very bad & quick temper, but I've had the temper my whole life & I've worked very hard at controlling it. To tell ya the truth I'm kinda proud of how well I do control it. Most folks who piss me off usually don't realize it & I usually let a lot of things slide. Course being a smart ass takes up some of that slack but that's something else to talk about some other time.

So tonight I hear the little crusty minded punk drop the "N" bomb again. From across a very noisy room. First time I'd heard it from him in a month or more. Hell I thought our last chat about the matter had impressed upon him the importance of not being that disrespectful. But nope.

I actually stopped what I was doing for a moment before I spoke to him. I called his name out across the room & asked him what he said. He repeated the first part then said, "& that word that you don't like so I ain't gonna say it again".

What surprised me was I actually thought about it for a few seconds. Not his response but where to find another source of income. I thought this because it was entirely too tempting to grab his scrawny ass & give him a redneck -to-punk translation of "you done run off at the mouth too much".

I didn't. I restrained myself as I have done in the past But that I thought about it seriously for a second or two gave me pause.

I'm old. I'll be 35 in a few weeks. The kid is about half my age. He's probably got some speed & he's cocky enough that I don't think he's afraid of me. & I'm not a big macho "I'll kick everybody's ass while drinking a beer" type guy. I can count the number of fights I've gotten into on one hand & I generally don't like getting into them. But I can have a mean side & this punk wouldn't be any trouble at all. Worrying about my safety or the outcome of the confrontation didn't stop me.

Maybe it was the moral implication. In theory we're all supposed to be able to say whatever we wish without fear of torture so maybe I felt that it would just be wrong to physically correct the punk for being an idiot. Course back home when I was growing up a fight between two people over words was not uncommon. & it did have some societal value.

Whatever the reason though I doubt I'll lose control & take him to the woodshed. But damn if it ain't a tempting notion. & I don't like that it's a tempting notion.

Again I am not a bad ass of any type. Nor am I a bully (the punk is a few inches taller & probably within a few pounds of my weight). What I am is Southern. The neighborhood I grew up in was mostly black. Most of the bands I've been in I've been the only white guy. Hell some clubs I've played in I've been the only white guy in the room. I've been in places in my life where the bands would ask me to go in & tell them if it seemed safe for black folk. I've had run ins with klansmen & klansmen wannabes (more the latter than the former & nothing like the run ins that occurred in the 50's & 60's). I have one buddy who remembers me as the first (& as far as I know only) white guy he ever had over to his house for dinner (on the phone his wife called to him that "white Mike" was on the line).

I've also had some interesting moments with people who found out I was from the South & assumed I was a klansman. So maybe I'm just a bit culturally sensitive about things. But a punk who isn't even old enough to buy smokes that grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Colorado has no fucking business dropping the "N" word casually. Hell he's probably only seen images of black people.

I'll resolve this tomorrow though. I'm going to have a chat with the big boss & explain how proud I am of my restraint when the punk runs his mouth & how I'm not fond of being proud. I doubt it'll have any repercussions for me even though I know I'm going to phrase it roughly but there is a chance that I could get the axe over this (in a big company anything can happen no matter how nonsensical. Well especially if it's nonsensical.).

Still, this is the 21rst century. It still kind of bugs me that this kind of thing could happen. But then again it doesn't. Human nature hasn't really changed for a few thousand years & I doubt that streak will be broken in the next few hundred years.

But what will change is the punks vocabulary.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Deana Carter. Cute song. Here's a vid of it. I won't be talking about it though. It just made for a convenient title.

Ever have a bad day? I mean everything went wrong that could go wrong that you didn't think would or could go wrong. Well welcome to my friggin' decade.

The main thing I wish to bitc, er I mean discuss is the alleged gig last night.

Benefits are always fucked up. The timing is never as planned & there are always problems. If it's for a good cause it's usually bearable & tonight is no exception. Hell, the guy has cancer. When I heard people ask how much time he has left the reply was simply "not much". So I'll put up with some hassle if it helps the guy out.

That does not mean I shan't bitch about it.

The band that fronted the thing was pretty decent. The drummer was a show off in a very entertaining way. At one point he left the kit & was playing tables, beer bottles, shot glasses, etc... all the way around the bar. The stage was crowded as hell though. The drum kit took up the front third of the stage. The guitar player had a Marshall half stack taking up most of the left third (that'd be stage left) & the bass & other guitar players & percussionist had to crowd into the right third.

They took a break & I went for a smoke. I told the guy who asked me to play that I'd be outside & to holler when they needed me. So I was sitting there smoking talking to some girl who just moved up from Texas when I heard the band crank up again. They obviously went ahead & used the other guitar player first. No biggie but I felt slightly slighted that they didn't let me know what was happening. Still, no biggie.

I had some friends come out (thanks y'all) & spent some time chatting with them. They're an older couple & the guy plays guitar. Real damn well I might add. I've seen his band play a few times & this was the first chance he had to return the favor. So I was touched that they made it out, especially since I met them through an ex-g/f.

So the band takes a break. I go up to see what's shaking. The main band is going to play a set by themselves. I'm feeling a little shaky about things but it's still cool. They play & when they take another break I set up my amp. The stage is so crowded I'm standing on the floor in front of the stage & one of the mains (that'd be main speakers). Again no biggie; good cause & all.

We do three tunes before we take another break. I can't even recall what the second & third songs were. The first was Old Time Rock'n'Roll. I remember it so well because A: I used to play in an oldies/50's/doo-wop band that opened the main show with that one & B: cause it was the only solo I got all set. & that was split with the other guitar player.

So we take a break & I'm feeling uneasy about the other guitar player. There's a certain etiquette involved in sharing a stage, especially with someone who plays your instrument. You do a little deferring to the other guy if it's your gig. When I had other guitar players sit in with my bands I always made sure they got to play. Not just hanging in the background trying to scrape out a rhythm from what I left over, but they got to play. But some musicians (especially guitar players) tend to hog all they can. Still it was for a good cause so I was trying to be cool about things.

We got back up & played a few more tunes. Again no solos. I was pretty much trying to find parts that the other guitar player wasn't playing as a rhythm & not soloing at all. Then they introduce me & the percussion player to the audience. Now keep in mind I'm having trouble hearing what tunes they're calling out cause the guitar player is doing the calling from the other side of the stage & ain't bothering to clue me in. No biggie as I catch on quick, but I must not have heard them say they were going the rest of it alone. The guitar player then finally decides to pay me some attention. He does so by saying quite loudly while looking directly at me "Don't accompany us. We know this one."

So I put down my guitar & went outside to have a smoke. It's bad manners where I come from to tear down your gear while the other guys are playing. So I chill. I make a mental note that though it won't likely come up in any meaningful way I'll never play with that bloated ass ham sandwich swiping crusty toed omnivorous bastard that's playing a six string cranked up way too loud for the room. But otherwise I chill.

I grab my gear when they're through playing then chat with my buddy & his wife for a few as they're leaving. He at least heard enough of my playing that he wants me to get together with him & show him some jazz stuff (he's a helluva blues player) which flattered me. I figured they couldn't have heard much of anything I was doing through the other person behind an instrument that vaguely resembled mine but apparently they did.

To be fair the guy was an alright guitar player. He was just ill mannered.

After my friends split I made it a point to shake everyone's hand in the band but his. I grabbed my gear & left.

That was pretty much it. Not the worst playing experience I've ever had; unfortunately I've run into some rude bastards on various stages. But it was an unaccustomed low point in my attempts at a career out here.

What makes it worse is that the guy who invited me out is looking to put together a band. I can't say I'm as thrilled at his proposal as I was before tonight. The company he keeps is going to make me question his manners. Don't get me wrong; as long as the cash is right I'll play. Course I know damn well the price I set to play with that guitar player from last night will be nigh on ridiculously high.

& that was the highlight of my day. It started off with a date that was going well for a while but unfortunately ended on a less than pleasant note coupled with another visit from the neighborhood crack ho' (to be fair I have no idea if she's a "ho" or not, but she does seem to be on the rock.). Babygirl wanted to use the phone & ended up hanging out for about 30 minutes (when I was trying to get ready & split for the gig) till her connecti, er friend came to pick her up. & no; I still didn't sleep with her. Actually I feel bad for her & I've kinda always been a soft touch for strays. So I let her use the phone & try to talk her into treating herself better. She claims she agrees with what I tell her but I know it's just bullshit to her. She won't change anytime soon & eventually I'll cut her off (there are pay phones within walking distance) but for now I feel sorry for the girl.

& the date - I can't really discuss it, even here & with anonymity for the other party because I realized afterwards that I have some problems that I have to deal with that have effected her so I have to chat with her about things before I feel cool disclosing anything else. Suffice it to say it wasn't anything horrific it just should have went cooler for both of us cause we're pretty good friends.

So that was my Friday night. It sucked, but at least it sucked for a good cause.

To those of you who didn't make it out I'm really kinda glad you didn't. I'm not mega-egotistical but I always felt that if you get disrespected it should be done in front of as few of your friends as possible.

& no I didn't shave my legs for that. I just wish I wouldn't have worn my good heels.

One last gripe. It was supposed to be a blues gig but they mainly did classic rock stuff. It was alright & all, but not as soothing. So I've got ye olde music engine cranked to my Blues playlist & I'm going just think about times when it felt better to feel bad.

Bed Of Roses

Jon Bon Jovi always aggravated me. Not sure why but for the longest time he just plain out got on my nerves. I think it was partly cause he wrote so damn well. Cheesy yes, but for the genre he wrote in his style was damn near perfect. Having a potential g/f who asked me if I'd cut my hair like his once didn't help though. Needless to say it didn't work out. Well for me at least. Jovi seems to have done alright.

The tune in question is one of his sappier ballads. But no one is better at writing sappy hard rock/glam rock/pop rock ballads. Here's the vid.

"Sitting here wasted & wounded at this old piano
trying hard to capture the moment - this morning I don't know
Cause a bottle of vodka is still lodged in my head
& some blonde gave me nightmares - I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead"

The song is about a guy in a band on the road who despite having female company misses someone very badly. It's not as uncommon as you think. Or as common as you think.

When I was on the road I knew a lot of musicians who really cared for their mates but would sleep around. Sometimes the women at home knew what was going on, sometimes they didn't. Personally I never played around while I was obligated but I damn well understood the temptations. (Temptations sing - oh, sorry - Rick James flashback). I also knew quite a few who didn't sleep around. Those were the ones I trusted with bail money. Not that I ever needed it (except that once but I promise I never saw that Llama before in my life) but ya never know.

But all musicians, even humble modest ones such as myself, have dreams of fame. The line about dreaming of movies they won't make of him when he's dead - that resonates with most of us whether we admit it or not. His acceptance that it's not going to happen hits us too cause eventually we realize that there won't be a movie about us when we die. Besides, movies about most musicians would be lucky to get an "XXX" rating. Still, we dream.

The second verse contains one of my most favorite cheesy ass lines that I've ever heard sung out loud - including all the country I've listened to.

"with an iron clad fist I wake up & French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps its own beat in my head while we're talking
about all of the things I long to believe about love, the truth, what you mean to me
& the truth is baby - you're all that I need"

You don't know how many times I've been hung over, put on a metallic glove & tried to french kiss the morning. I've found that the morning much prefers a simple peck on the cheek & perhaps a light hug.

But again I can relate - at least partially. There are a lot of things I wanted desperately to believe when I was younger & in some cases would still like to believe. & some of those things concern love & the truth. But the world is a very cold place that makes belief in some notions more difficult than it should be. Still musicians being the emotional lot we are tend to cling to those beliefs despite great obstacles, like reality. Hence the hangovers.

The chorus:

"I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
for tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses"

Yes; it's cheesy as hell. But emotions are cheesy things in general. Deep ones especially so. It's really hard to be cool when you're being honest about how you feel if you feel deeply about someone. Try it & if I'm wrong give me pointers.

He's saying in a poetic fashion that even though he's "gettin' some" it’s torture for him because he'd much rather be with someone else. He just wants to be as close to her as possible physically & spiritually. It's the separation that causes his pain despite trying to distract himself with nightmare causing blondes (which are generally fun at parties & sometimes after parties as well). Call him a dog if you will & you're probably right, but dogs have feelings too ya know. (bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay - sorry - P-funk flashback)

To the bridge:

"Well there's hotel bars, hangover, whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked & she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah but I laughed so hard I think I died"

It happens. The bartender looks cute but then her wig slips a bit...

It's the repetition of the life that I think he's talking - er, singing about. After the first year or so it becomes much less exciting & you find yourself going through the motions. When you recognize something as typical it usually gives you pause. I know I've damn well laughed at myself at certain times, or laughed at certain re-occurring situations despite their obvious lack of humor. & if you've ever heard one of my jokes you understand what lack of humor is about.

"now as you close your eyes know I'll be thinking about you
while my mistress calls me to stand in her spotlight again
tonight I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove for it's you that I'd die to defend"

Course the obvious question is if he's got nothing to prove & he'd died to defend his lady then why is he fucking around? But musicians aren't always hip to that whole "logic" thing. Besides it's very possible it's not a committed relationship he's in for whatever reason.

Truthfully though I've been there. I've never cheated on anyone but there have been some situations where I cared for someone but was with someone else. So I can understand the need for having someone right here even though I wished like hell it was someone else with me. A particular someone else that is.

Musically Jovi does his usual job with this type of song - catchy little motifs running throughout a nice chord progression mingled with a catchy melody & thoughtful delivery of all the above. Cheesy as hell? Yes. But well crafted. (Get it? cheesy - crafted? Kraft-ed? I know. I don't have issues; I have subscriptions).

& why the hell am I writing about a cheesy ass Bon Jovi tune in the first friggin' place? Cause it popped up on my player when I felt like writing something. Or maybe I just miss being on the road. Or writing cheesy ass songs thinking that it'd be played during the opening credits of a movie about me. I write, you decide. Or is that deride?

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

The song was written in 1963 by Eddie Pola & George Wyle. Andy Summers recorded it first but it's been done by a host of folks. It's definitely not my favorite x-mas tune but it makes such a damn nice title...

Fall, specifically late fall is the time of year I like best. I suppose it comes from growing up in North Carolina. This time of year meant an end to the heat & I never was a fan of the heat.

I like cold weather. I like snow. I like a lot of the things associated with fall & winter. But an odd one (perhaps) is that this time of year I usually start brushing up on my x-mas tunes.

From early January till mid-November there's really no reason to have x-mas tunes down cold. I've never played "Jingle Bells" in July for some reason. But ages ago I had an early December gig where they asked us to play some x-mas tunes. It was a private party & we were there doing R&B & reggae. I ended up being the only instrument accompanying the rest of the band (they could all sing their asses off) & it was all going great till we hit the bridge of "The Christmas Song" (i.e. "...chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."). For some reason the bridge slipped my mind. Train wrecked all to hell. The lead singer calmly reached back & slapped his hand on the neck of my guitar to stop me from trying to find the damn bridge. Not one of my prouder moments in music but one of my funniest.

So since then around this time of year I start brushing up on my x-mas tunes.

Another odd thing about that is I'm not a Christian. I grew up as one but even then I didn't celebrate x-mas. Still I always dug the music. & since x-mas parties usually pay more than most bar gigs my fondness for the genre didn't diminish over the years.

But another aspect of the fall I dig is the excuse it gives for a few of my favorite things (yes; that was a very bad x-mas tune pun tyvm). The cold & often inclimate weather is a very good excuse for staying in & curling up with someone you care about. But since that's not working out for me at the moment there's another justification - reading.

Last weekend I had an ass-load of stuff to do. & no I've never been able to quantify exactly how much is in an "ass-load". It just means a lot, k? So Friday I bust my ass to knock out most of the things on my agenda. I did that so I could spend all of Saturday doing nothing but reading. I hit Barnes & Noble (a vile, evil place to be avoided at all costs) & - well I was only gonna grab one or two books I really needed. Luckily it's my blog so I don't have to tell you how weak I actually was but let's just say I underestimated my need. In any case I read. All day. All night. First time I'd done that in ages. & it was nice.

Course the neighborhood crack ho' knocking on my door at 3 a.m. needing a ride kinda disturbed the mood but I felt so good about things I gave her a damn ride. That'd be in a car. Um while fully clothed. Actually she's a nice person & I'm not positive she's on the rock, but most of the evidence points that way & yes; she's a cute crack ho' but no - I haven't slept with her. Or had sex with her. (It's sometimes difficult writing for an audience that knows me - I really am very selective about who I sleep with. Damn it.)

Still one of my favorite uses for fall is to spend all day lounging around reading. Doesn’t matter what so long as it has my interest for the moment. The only way to improve on that is to have a lady I care for lounging around reading with me. Not only is it kinda romantic in a "you're too bookish" kinda way but sometimes I do need help with the big words. I am from North Carolina after all. When someone asks if I'm really literate I usually reflexive tell them that yes; my parents were married. By the time of my birth at least.

So from now till the tugging of spring negates the excuse I'll look for days when I can open my windows, shake my head, shiver just slightly & stay the hell in with a good book or at least three decent ones.

In the interest of full disclosure I am re-reading The Master & Margerita by Bulgakov, Starship Troopers by Heinlein & am a third of the way through Time Enough For Love by Heinlein. But the two I'm working on most are We Were Soldiers Once, And Young by Moore & Galloway (A third through so far) & Band of Brothers by Ambrose (I haven't started it yet - but soon my precious. soon.).

So just out of curiosity even if you think I know what you like to read leave me a comment or send me a message (I can dig the anonynimity thing) & tell me what book(s) you'd like to spend the whole day reading when the weather gets a little cooler & you can manage the time.

Who Wants To Live Forever?

A Queen tune off the soundtrack for the movie Highlander (& the Queen album Some Kind Of Magic). Here's the vid.

It's one of the most beautiful, sad & poignant pieces of music in film that I've ever heard. It plays during the scene in the movie where the Highlander is watching his wife grow old & die. the Highlander, being an immortal is kinda messed up by this turn of events & the music playing in the background adds to the emotions conveyed in the scene.

There are a few tunes I can think of that are sadder, but not many.

"There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

The orchestration is very simple. Almost but not quite understated. An organ with scattering of faintly heard strings through the verse. Then the chorus ("who wants to live forever?") is damn near exquisitely done. A simple ascending melody divided by syllables of the lyrics (a 3 note rise in other words - "who wants" on C then up a step to D for "to live" then up a step to E for "forever") with the strings just a bit louder touching on a descending harmony then providing a consequent motif as the vocals fade just a bit. Then the words repeat but the melody picks up where it left off instead of repeating. In other words the melody is a third higher on the reprise. The strings repeat their descending accompaniment but additional vocals provide texture to the melody as it starts on E then rises another step to F.. then another half step to G.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

The strings come in a bit more on the second verse, giving a nice flavor to the melody without detracting from it too much. They do a very nice job of emoting the anxiety & tension consistent with the text then resolving it prior to the second chorus.

But the second chorus; the strings come in a more noticeable role giving a harmony as well as the counterpoint from the first chorus. The second half of the chorus has them coming up to a nice crescendo (along with the vocal harmonies - Mercury was always too damn good at that) that leads to the strings taking the melody over for the first half of what would be the next repeat of the chorus. The second half has a build up that's a continuation of what the strings did just prior but with Mercury adding a new line of text:

"Who dares to love forever?"

Which climaxes in a suspended chord as he moans & the guitar comes in to heighten the tension. Then it resolves to the minor root of the song as Mercury adds:

"When love must die"

But that's not enough. An instrumental section with May picking out a simple & tasteful melody leads to a heavier more anxious part:

"But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips"

The strings are providing an almost staccato rhythm as the drums come in playing half time behind the lyrics.

Then they kick it in. The drums come in full & the strings are supplemented by very heavy chords from the guitar. It's the same chord progression & melody as the chorus just heightened in flavor & intensity. The lyrics are:

"And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today"

But that's not enough either. Mercury decides to show off. There are few better at stacking harmonies than the late Freddie Mercury & the next chorus is a perfect example of this. I'm counting 4 part harmonies not including octaves covered by at least 6 voices & I know I'm not counting it all.

"Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today"

Then it calms down a bit. The high-hat keeps an 8th note count while the strings fade & Mercury asks

"Who waits forever anyway?"

Strings take us out with a momentary build up that leads you to believe it's going to go on for a bit. Horns come in here & there & there's some nice minimalist guitar work. Then the organ suspends a chord & the strings resolve it, fading out on tonic chord. 9e-minor in this case).

But it's dry as hell to describe a song. Kinda like telling someone who's never had it how fried black sea bass tastes.

The feeling though - every song either inspires us to feel or think something or it doesn't. & what that feeling or thought is will vary with each person. There's no way to predict it (though usually you can have a general idea of the direction it may take in someone else) but it's hard to fathom that a song that causes strong feelings or thoughts in you wouldn't have the same effect on someone else. Still I'm left with talking about my impression. Your mileage may vary.

Again the first time I heard the song was in that scene from Highlander & it was damn near poetic in context. Still the song by itself is not to be discounted.

The saddest songs I know of aren't totally pessimistic. There's a good deal of pessimism involved but that'd just make them depressing momentarily & you'd soon just get on with things.

What makes a really great sad song is having a glimmer of hope - just a glimmer. Unrequited love is sad, but not as sad as when someone thinks there's still some sort of chance.

In real life we usually take unhappy endings as they come & when they're finally we move on. Not that it's easy or quick but most of us know the process & muddle through somehow. When a loved one dies it sucks but there's nothing to be done or hoped for in this world so you deal with it. But when there's a glimmer of hope - just the tiniest sliver of a chance that things may turn out happy that can mess you up worse than anything.

So it is in art & music. The tone of the song is mostly despondent. Mercury is talking himself into giving up hope cause he sees none - but he doesn't convince himself of that completely. He's preparing himself for a heartbreaking event that he desperately hopes (or wants to hope) will not happen.

The first part of the song he's convincing himself to just accept the inevitable, then the second half he's trying to talk himself (& presumably his lover) into the idea that maybe they can "have forever" even though it seems impossible. Or perhaps he's accepting that the inevitable will come but wishes to try to savor every moment until then? Either way what makes the tune so sad in content is the slight hope that is projected by the second half of the song. What makes the song great in general is the craftsmanship with which it was put together.

So listen to it sometime. Or better yet watch Highlander. Just don't think it'll leave you feeling ire. It's sad as hell (to me at least) but some of the greatest pieces of music in this world are, as some of the most memorable moments in our lives are regrettably sad ones.