Song & Emotion

Navigating Harrington

2008-01-01T01:12:00.000-07:00

This is meant to be a navigational aid since there's no option to create posts with extended entries & that makes the main page kind of a long read.

If you view the sidebar you'll see a few links. Those lead to pages that expand upon the topic more. For instance the About Harrington link is a page with links to posts (by title) directly pertaining to Harrington. The Dramatis Personae gives a brief account of people I'll be talking about with links (if applicable) to posts about them.

Under those you'll see the Blog Archive. Click on year & it'll open up to months. Click on a month & it'll give you the posts (by title) posted in that month. That's probably the easiest way to navigate this blog, but by all means feel free to just read your way to the bottom.

New posts will apear below this one.

Catching Up

2007-05-16T03:33:00.000-06:00

I haven't bene posting much (as you may have noticed). Part of it is being busy as hell. I work 5 days a week & on my days off I usually work (albeit not for cash). When I do have time I'm just not that motivated. There are a few things that may be interesting to whomever ends up reading this, but not enough to get me off my ass to type it out. The gist is I have no life, just work. which really isn't that much different than I've ever lived.

I can get off my ass & go hiking, or camping or hitting the clubs, etc... if I have some reason to do so. But being on my own I just can't find a more compelling time consumption method than working - at something. What I mean is when I have a lady to take out I can hit the movies or the trail & most places in between. I can take trips & I can just fuck around the neighborhood. But when I'm on my own I work. Not so much for the cash (as I probably put in as much time outside my paying job as I do on it) but for purpose. I think.

But I'm going to change some things. I'm giving up my other blog & probably this one as well. See I realized that despite our estrangement I find that I'm still writing for JAG. I've diced it a few times in my head & I can't see how it's a good thing. Maintaining a (mostly) single issue website to entertain a lady that's not even speaking to me, let alone in my life cannot be healthy, let alone "sweet" in internet terms. Can it?

So I'm gonna "shrug" in the Randian sense of the word. Just give it up. Hell, she'd probably be pissed if I was checking her web page so I should be pissed that she's checking mine. But I'm not. In fact in makes me feel good to know that she thinks about me at least 4 or 5 times a week. which is why I have to give it up. Taking comfort in her taking comfort from seeing my page just isn't the best reason to keep the page up. I mean if we were actually talking or something maybe it'd be different. but i fear that I'm looking at things as if something in my writing will touch her & she'll want to reconcile.

I dunno. I just haven't felt like writing for a long time & I'm only doing it for her. & as I keep trying to convince myself that can't be a good reason to write.

Course many times I've thought i was doing the right thing & it turned out wrong & this may be one of those times. But at least I own my fuck ups. :)

Maybe I'll write again. who knows?

Unhelpful Questions

2007-05-14T07:07:00.000-06:00

I had a delivery tonight to a lady who - well, we all know the type. She meant well I assume in her own way but it'd have been cooler if she'd have just kept quiet. As she was digging around for the money (cause no one ever has the money ready when they hear me knock) she glanced my way & asked, "Have you called your mother yet? It's Mother's Day ya know...".

At first I just stared at her, fighting the urge to tell her that it was none of her fucking business, but I realized she meant no harm (those that cause harm seldom do) so I quietly said, "She passed away". The lady murmured a real quick "I'm sorry" then didn't say too much for the rest of the transaction, which was mercifully quick.

Frankie died 362 days ago. We never had the best relationship but I do miss her. I hope Lisa got through today okay, as they were a bit closer.

Mac's Demise

2007-03-11T07:51:00.000-06:00

I talked with Maurice last week & he told me what happened to Mac.

Mac was 75. He had a blood pressure condition & he had Alzheimer's. One of his neighbors called Maurice because Mac's porch light had been on for a few days but the band's van was in his driveway. They found him dead.

What they think happened is that he simply forgot to take his blood pressure medication for a few days & had a heart attack.

It's a very pitiful ending for Mac. he was a good friend & a good teacher even when he wasn't trying to be. That's the hazard of growing old alone though. But Mac - well I imagine he just never wanted to be with anyone else after his wife passed.

Damn shame all the way around.

But I Don't Feel Retarded

2007-03-10T06:20:00.000-07:00

Before I get into it a disclaimer; I have a cousin with Downs Syndrome. Therefore I have always been very conservative about using the word "retarded". I don't hold others to my standards but I try not to use it lightly. Just sayin'.

I thought this was interesting; I'm not an alcoholic because I'm some kind of idiot savant. That's a possible implication of what my optometrist told me.

I went for an eye exam a few weeks ago to renew my scrips for my contacts. I figured it'd be routine since my scrip hasn't changed in the past 8 years or so. Well the doc said that I need stronger glasses & contacts.

When he told me this I mentioned surprise that my vision hadn't changed since I got glasses. So he asked how old I was when I got my vision corrected initially & I told him around 26. he then "hmmm"ed for a second & said, "you don't like to read much do you?" which I told him that I was an avid reader. more "hmmm"ing. He then asked if I did well in school. I told him my worst GPA was a 3.33. Again with the fucking "hmmm" thing with a more definite note of surprise. I asked why he was asking & he said that people with my vision problems, when not corrected usually don't do well academically & don't like reading.

He explained that a certain portion of a persons brain is devoted to absorbing information, then a certain portion to storing then a certain portion to analyzing. with my vision he said my brain would spend several times more energy just absorbing information visually, therefore it would have less room for storage & analysis. In short I burned up too much mental fuel to understand what i read.

"Vision problems such as yours are closely associated with learning disabilities. it's amazing that you overcame that."

"so doc, you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman???"

"I just find it very fascinating that you seem so knowledgeable about what we discussed earlier & that you enjoy reading."

"you are - you're saying I'm fuckin' Rainman!"

He then patted me on the head & offered me a shiny thing which I found irresistible for a few minutes.

No really; he implied that I should be much less informed than I am simply because I shouldn't have had the mental capacity to read as much as I did. That I should have been a "C" student & a white collar worker (more or less) because of my eyesight.

Another interesting thing was that he said my vision problems kept me from being addicted to alcohol or drugs. he asked if I drank or did drugs & I told him occasionally on the former & never on the latter. He said that because it took so much mental effort for me to read & learn things visually that early on I developed a dislike of being out of control, & drugs & alcohol weren't conducive to being in control. In other words that because I was so used to being so focused I didn't get that much of a kick out of being drunk or high therefore I never got addicted.

"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor?????"

In any case I called a pal of mine a while later. She's a doctor who specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities. I told her what the optometrist said & she said it sounded plausible as she's seen similar things with some of her students. so i asked why the hell I liked to read when it was allegedly so difficult for me compared to other folks. She said it was because I was an over-achiever.

"so I'm fuckin' Rainman who can't hold his liquor & has a stubborn streak?????"

"Yep. Want a cookie or some Jello?"

For the record the last time my IQ was tested I landed in the lower 140's. I am not fuckin' Rainman. Damn it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my neighbor over to help me tie my shoes & feed me my Jello...

The Meeting

2007-03-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

I arrived at 10:45 as agreed upon. As I was halfway from my car to the door I saw her get out of her truck. It was peripheral but I knew it was her. Still I didn't turn around or let on that I knew she was there, instead walking in & making my way to the bar to see how she'd approach me (plus I was a little nervous). She caught up with me & gently tugged on my sleeve in a very shy way. We exchanged "hello's" (actually she said "hey" followed by an almost laugh that turned into a very adorable smile - which became her usual way of greeting me) & I asked what she wanted to drink. "Vodka & Sprite" was her answer, so I ordered one for her & a sprite sans ice for myself. She seemed a little surprised that I wasn't drinking so I explained to her that I seldom drank when I was driving.

Her hair was up which made her look younger than she was, but it wasn't difficult to see that her pictures had not done her justice (& I thought her pictures were nice). She was a skinny little thing but she had some muscle & some build to her & overall was very attractive even though she dressed modestly & it wasn't easy to discern. Still she looked young as hell which made me feel a little - I dunno - either guilty or out of my league. But looking at her face I quickly overcame any trepidations I had concerning our age difference. She truly was beautiful to me even then & her smile was too enchanting to describe.

It was karaoke night which was a surprise to me & not a welcome one. We sat at the bar & chatted for a while. Truthfully I only heard about 75% of what she said as the music was loud & she was very soft spoken. But I heard enough to conclude that she was cool. When she laughed it was an instantaneously satisfying sound, so I tried to keep her amused. I don't recall too many specifics but I did tease her about singing & we discussed our mutual dislike of karaoke. I also believe we discussed that she played harmonica, but I can't recall if that conversation started that night or later.

When I ordered another round of drinks she opted for a straight soda so I started to ponder if the evening wasn't as cool for her as it was for me. I'm not sure how long we were there - maybe an hour, perhaps a bit longer. It was before closing when I told her I was going to head back home - the karaoke was getting to me (truthfully it was that I could barely hear her that was getting to me as I was really interested in what she had to say). She seemed to be understanding. I walked her to her truck & we stood there semi-awkwardly for a few seconds. She then hugged me, which I thought was odd since she didn't seem the type to make a display of affection like that so soon after meeting someone. But I wasn't complaining as she gave good hug. I believe I kissed her neck very gently & very briefly as we hugged. We both said it was cool meeting & we should get together again. I almost asked her if she'd care to come back to my place, but didn't think she was the type to take me up on that so soon. Still, it was a tempting notion.

When I got home I e-mailed her & told her how cool she seemed & that it'd be nice to see her again. I also explained that I couldn't hear some of what she was saying because of the noise & I regretted that as I enjoyed talking with her.

It wasn't the most exciting first date I've ever had & perhaps not the most gratifying, but it showed me that she was very cool as a person as well as very attractive as a lady. & that she was in fact a lady. I wasn't sure if I'd see her again but I was hopeful. It wasn't "love at first sight" by any means, but I felt the attraction instantly & knew it could be something cool. In what way & to what degree I had no idea - certainly I didn't contemplate that it would turn into what it did. But I had a good feeling about her as a person & about she & I having some sort of undefined potential to be friends & possibly lovers & maybe something more.

I went back to the same bar a few nights later & the bartender (whom I knew decently) asked me about the date I had the other night & mentioned that the lady I was with seemed very nice. That was the first time & only time she ever commented on anyone I brought into the bar (& I brought more than a few dates there before & since). I took that as a very good sign as the bartender was very cool & seemed to have decent judgment. I had already came to the same conclusion but it was nice to have it affirmed by another woman as sometimes guys get blinded by things. In short I knew I'd like to see her again & was wondering if the feeling was really mutual.

Yeah; I know I'm getting sentimental again but I've always been that way around anniversaries, even when they're not able to be properly celebrated.

Anyway, that was 2 years ago as of last night & that's how I met JAG.

Better With You

2007-03-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

I joined a dating service a few weeks back. It's been mainly rejection as most dating services are but I had some success. In fact I slept with a very interesting lady the other night. She was the first person I slept with since JAG came back around. That marks 7 months that I hadn't slept with anyone but her. I hadn't had sex at all since October 20th. For me going 4 months without sex when I'm single is not common. I've never gone this long intentionally that I can recall.

But it was hollow. The lady was nice & everything & I didn't let on but I wasn't into it at all aside from the primal urge. She just wasn't JAG & I couldn't get that out of my head enough to really enjoy things. I kept dwelling on JAG & how much I preferred her in different ways. As I said the lady never caught on & she had a lot of fun. I was a musician after all & performing despite my emotional state is second nature to me. The show must go on & all that shit. So I think the "wow's" were genuine & she didn't realize I wasn't really into things.

Today marks exactly 2 years since I met JAG in the flesh. A little bar I used to frequent was the scene. There was bad karaoke (that was redundant wasn't it?) & I probably only heard 80% of what she said because the music (I'm being generous) was loud & she spoke softly, but I was intrigued by her. Not just her looks but her person. We met again a week later & that began us seeing each other.

But I haven't seen the girl in over 4 months. We haven't spoken in about 4 months. There's no real cause to celebrate. But I still care for her. It's to the point where I'm not really into anyone else. Oh I'll go through the motions & try to get past this, but she's not really replacable in my life. It'd make more sense to me if we were ever anything more than friends & lovers, but caring is not subject to being category appropriate.

2 years ago. Not a long time but it seems ages.

Better With You is by Abigail Zsiga. Here's her MySpace page with the tune on the player on the right side of the page. Not a bad tune in its own right, but it kinda sums things up, especially the lines:

"There's a voice in my head, & it comes when I'm sleeping
'Something this good cannot possibly be'
And the problem with trust is the problem with love
And the problem is probably me"

I'm good on my own & I'm good all alone
I've got all that I need and it's nothing that I own
I know what is right and I know what is true
I'm good that way but I'm better with you"

Almost a 2 Day Drive

2007-03-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

I just got out of an eye exam where the doc told me I was fucking rain-man like when I got the call. Lisa left a message but I didn't check it; I saw her number on the phone & just called her. She told me Johnny was in the hospital. they took him in that afternoon because he was hurting in his lungs. Not chest pain but his lungs hurt. Plus his back hurt & he had a high fever. He wa sin about 5 days & they found bronchitis, asthma & emphysema. He played it off to Lisa as "light emphysema" but a medical professional she spoke with told her there was no such thing & Johnny was eat up with it.

So he's broken his promises to take it easy since he's been out. When you're self employed like he has been for the last 30 some odd years it's hard to chill out. I think he has stopped smoking but I'm not positive. I do know he only filled his prescription for his inhaler & didn't fuck with the ones for steroids & other meds on the advice of some good old boy doc he's been seeing about his blood pressure.

Truthfully I was relieved. When he was in the hospital with his symptoms I was thinking it was cancer. But it's not as far as anyone can tell. Course he wouldn't say a damn thing if it was. Can't blame him; neither would I.

I bought him some model ships. The USS Kitty Hawk, a Captain Kidd pirate ship & a p-51 Mustang that's supposed to really fly. He used to like doing stuff like that when I was a kid & he was in the Navy. In fact he was 2nd generation Navy. I doubt he'll like them too much but it might give him something to do around the house instead of busting his ass up & down the highway. course building models doesn't help with the mortgage so I know what his priority will be if he has to make a choice.

He gave up the Navy for me. He was coming on the end of his second hitch & more or less he had to decide between having a family with Frankie or being a sailor. He never told me that but I know him & Frankie well enough to read between the lines. He has told me he always kicked himself in the ass for not putting in his 20 years & retiring. Honestly in his place I'd have done the same thing; opted to try to keep my family together.

That's part of Johnny though that got passed on. He's done some fucked up things but at the same time he's also done some pretty noble self sacrificing type stuff. I always respected him for the latter & in a sense tried to emulate him. & he's a bit of a softy. I internalize it (except when I'm whining on here) but I am too. He still loves his first wife & I think as fucked up as their relationship was he still loved Frankie to some degree, just as I know he still loves his current wife despite things not being quite as cool as he wished.

He's okay for the moment but I'm worried about him. It hasn't been a year since I lost Frankie so maybe I'm just a little paranoid. But he's getting old. & he's always worked himself too hard (another semi-shared trait). But I can't do too much - just bug him with daily phone calls & have the car ready if I need to make a new land speed record.

I've Got Dreams To Remember

2007-02-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

I like sleep. Sleep is my friend. But sometimes my friend is nowhere to be found.

4 months & a day ago I had a day similar to today. I remember it so well because it was the last time I hung out with JAG. The gist is I couldn't get to sleep & I inadvertently kept waking her up which led to her being a tad grumpy with me the next day. She had to know I didn't mean to keep her up, but the effect was the same regardless of my intent.

Anyway every now & then I'll go through this - at least this has been the case since sometime over the summer. I'll feel tired & go to sleep but a few hours later (if that long) I'll wake up & have a devil of a time getting back under the snooze engine. Today I crashed at close to 9 a.m. I was planning on getting up at 3 p.m. I woke at a little after 11 a.m. & have been trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep.

Not sure what woke me up - I was dreaming about a person in a hospital bed & this medical professional being there & there was some discussion of a belt. She (the med pro) went into a bathroom with playful hints at coming out with a belt on & - well I'm a bit fuzzy. Sometimes in my dreams I'll dream about a person & they won't be them but it'll be a representation of them. So I'm not sure who the med pro was or if she was just representing who I think the med pro could have been. Perhaps I'll never know as I came to before she emerged. & as Freudian as it sounds I'm not sure if the person in the hospital bed was Frankie or KS or some other lover.

In any event I'm awake & not happy about it.

Since the fall I've been going through a phase where one day every week or two I'll sleep the whole damn day. I mean crash at 8 or 9 in the morning & not wake up appreciably until 2 or 3 the next morning. Last time I did that it was a few months before I left the Carolinas. I'm still unsure as the reason since I never bought into that "catching up" on sleep notion. It might be tied to some form of depression I get when things aren't moving quick enough in my life. Not sure; all I know is that's a much more enjoyable problem to have than this one.

& Mac bothers me. I hate that he's gone. We didn't talk that often or anything but I really loved the old motherfucker. I remember for years we'd display out affection by using a cute phrase when we ended our conversations. That phrase was "oh, btw - go to hell". It was often a contest to see who would pull it first & everyone around us knew we were joking cause we'd bust out laughing upon successful completion of the ritual. But I don't like that he's gone. I rationalize that he's in a better place, maybe reunited with his wife & son at last after all these years, but I'm selfish enough to really miss hearing his voice.

I played for a few minutes before I tried to sleep. Just fucked around with Fogelberg's Leader of the Band. The tune reminds me of Mac, & to some degree my relationship with Mac. He wasn't a father figure so much, but he was a pseudo-teacher & maybe even a mentor to some extent in addition to being a friend. & he would kick my skinny ass if he knew that I didn't touch my instrument for over 3 months. He was adamant about practice even between gigs. so I didn't play for me today; I played for him. Not sure how long it'll be before I'm ready to play for myself again.

So 4 months since I've seen JAG & still haven't heard a damn thing from her. I'm getting very pessimistic that she will ever wish to speak to me again. Mac's gone - can't speak to him anymore despite any desires to do so on either of our parts. Frankie's gone even though she'd have only been 54 last week. & it seems KS & I aren't speaking to each other. I'm still willing to speak with her as I thought she & I were friends, but when someone keeps not returning my calls I tend to take the hint.

Yep, sleep would be nice right about now. Maybe it's that I dream of those I miss. & maybe that's why every now & then my mind won't let me sleep - to force me to deal with missing them instead of avoiding it? Or maybe its some change my body is going through. Or maybe it's something else I can't figure out. Whatever it is I wish it'd stop so I could dream a little more today.

Here's Otis Redding doing I've Got Dreams To Remember.

Stay

2007-02-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

Calvin "Mac" McKinney. He was the band director for Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs. He also played keyboards & when pressed would double on saxophone (his main instrument). He died on December 21rst. Not sure of what; they found him dead in his home. I called him this morning to check in & see how he was doing & the phone was disconnected. I knew. But I called an old buddy of ours to confirm things & he gave me the scoop. He had been having some blood pressure problems & was avoiding going to the doctor as it would have been a waste of money in his opinion. I assume it was related to that but never got any further with the discussion than those details.

He was the world's oldest kid. He'd cut up & bullshit like a 20 year old with half a buzz. I'm not sure how old he was. He had to be in his 70's if not older but he'd never tell his age when asked. He'd always laugh & start talking about something else, like when I was gonna get married so we'd know the topic was closed. The traveling got to him but he joked that he was so used to it when he couldn't get to sleep in his bed he'd go out to the van & a few minutes laying across his bench seat would have him out like a light.

He was a helluva musician & a good teacher. He studied at Juliard with money he got from his G.I. bill. He was in the Army around the time of the Korean war but he never talked much about it, just that he made Expert with his rifle & missed the thing since he got out. He gigged all his life & the last few decades he was the band director for Maurice. But he was also my friend. He approached me once about a matter that would have caused him some embarrassment but he was too curious not to inquire about an aspect of it. I joked with him about telling the other Zodiacs but I still haven't discussed the details with anyone but him because I knew he'd have shown me that much respect had I been in his place & he in mine.

There is a story that he would tell & I cannot do it justice. But it involved a gig of his when he was younger down in Florida. To this day he's the only black man I've ever known to have played at a Klan rally. The agent was more than a little embarrassed, but the klansman while idiots for their beliefs about race weren't too stupid to recognize a decent musician so they let him play, & he was there to make cash so he played it, knowing full well he had a pistol in his bag just in case.

He got a degree from Juliard & back in the 60's & 70's he gigged with some big names. I'm not positive but I remember Thelonious Monk, Cannonball Aderly, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis & some others. I can't recall which ones he played with or which ones he just hung out with but he was moving in their circles for some time. He had talent.

Pee Wee got me into the Zodiacs. Pee Wee & I were roommates when on the road in this other band I was playing in for a while & we got to be good pals. He told Maurice & Mac I could handle the gig & I was hired unseen. Mac gave me a little hell at the first rehearsal (I was a skinny little white kid with long hair & nothing on my calender) but we started joking with each other & from then on became pretty tight as far as touring musicians go. When I wasn't in the Zodiacs (I played with them on & off for years) I'd call him & see how he was. When I left the state he'd always ask if I was still playing & sound relieved when I said I was. When KS & I went to the Carolinas back in '05 we stopped by Fort McKinney (the title I used for his place to tease him about his security obsession) & bullshitted with him for a while. That was the last time I saw him.

I called a few times - like every 4 or 5 months - since then to check up on him & give him shit for not going fishing. He always said he loved fishing but never got off his ass & went. Paperwork, taxes, etc... it was always something he had to do that kept him from hitting a lake. So while he gave me pep talks about playing no matter how bad the biz got for me I'd urge him to take a fucking day off & go fishing. the last few times i called though he was sounding more & more run down. His memory wasn't what it used to be; he told me on two separate occasions about an old pal of ours who had passed without remembering he'd told me last time we talked.

He had a rough life. Aside from the music thing he lost his son to a bullet then his wife to depression 6 months later. He's been alone ever since (& this happened long before I met him). In fact if I recall he was the last of his people; all his direct kin having died off some years back. He had been at the funeral of most of his musicians friends that were around his age & a good many funerals of players who were a bit younger.

Mac he was a cheap bastard. You could hear the eagle scream every time he palmed a quarter. We'd give him hell because he'd use any & every coupon he'd come across, but got pissed when we suggested he could have saved more by using a senior citizen discount (he was really tight lipped about his age). He liked Heineken but only would have 2 or 3 at the house because they were so damned expensive. Once some Zodiac was joking about what Mac would do if he won the lottery, & Mac just grinned & said, "Shit, I might have already won - ain't no way I'd tell a sorry-ass tuna smellin' motherfucker like you". But he was generous to a fault & one of the most kind folks I knew. He was a good friend & a great player.

He's gone now though. I cannot tell you how saddened I am at his passing nor can I sum up the man he was in a few dozen paragraphs. To put it the way I'd have told Mac if he were listening, I loved that old ugly ass shiny headed penny pinching geriatric no fishin' motherfucker. It takes something to keep me from working but I called in sick today; I just can't see working at anything other than a gig tonight after hearing of the passing of someone who was so supportive & damned insistent that I keep playing.

Here's Stay by Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs (set to some kind of animation).

Song And Emotion

2007-02-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

A song by Tesla. A good song. & my bane. This isn't the best vid in the world (the sound quality ain't great0 but it's the best i could find.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about check out the lyrics:

"I see him there most ev'ry day,
A lonely man and his guitar.
In his eyes, I see the pain,
All the faces and the places,
All the trouble that he'd seen.

There was a time,
There was a day,
They'd come from miles around.
They all knew his name.
But day's gone by are gone,
Now only memories remain.

Then he starts to play.
Suddenly the pain slowly fades away.
Tattered, torn and frayed,
There's a place within his heart
He'll always save for the song and emotion..."

It's what every musician fears I think to some degree. Obscurity coupled with old age. Music is a rough life. It's rougher when you have nothing tangible to show for it as is the case for most musicians.

No musician wants to rest on his laurels. I sure as hell don't. But there's the question of opportunity. It's not like most other fields where you can apply for a job. for gigs you have to be in the right place at the right time & after you get a steady gig it's not just up to you but the other guys in the band as to whether y'all handle things in the long run.

I'm not talking about playing your guitar on the MTV. I mean making a decent career out of it - having a good rep with agents & promoters as well as a fan base. Making enough to set some aside every year after the fucking self employment taxes kick your ass by the quarter. Avoiding landing on the "go to rehab - take 6 months back off your career' square & so on.

If everything goes right you'll be playing well into your 60's or 70's in a medium sized city that you like with your wife & kids close by & just enough to retire on coupled with the weekly gig or two just to keep in practice.

If it goes wrong you end up being a lonely man with your guitar being sung about by a rock band named after a Serbian scientist from the 19th century. That is what I fear is likely for most of us & in ever increasing proportions it seems what is likely for me.

Of course I have some control over this fate & there are some things I could do to decrease the odds but a lot of it is simply circumstantial. The music biz still operates largely by word of mouth & success in it is only slightly over-simplified as being in the right place at the right time. I can beat the pavement all I can but if my timing is off then I'm going to miss out on the decent gigs. That's just the way it is. & I'm not the lone ranger; a lot of musicians go through slumps where they can't seem to land anything decent & prospects for their future look dim.

Persistence counts for something in the biz though & I can't say I have been as determined as I should be the last few years. Really, looking for gigs takes its toll on you, or at least it does me.

Excuses aside though I never had any great ambitions; I never thought of myself playing packed coliseums & not being able to shop for fear of being swamped by fans who recognized me. I just wanted to play & at the end of my gigs have folks think back & say something like "that skinny little white boy sure could play".

It's not all ego though; there's something about playing well for folks that's as emotionally & spiritually rewarding as almost anything I've ever experienced. When some non-musician tells me that I play well I take that to mean that I touched them rather than that they are just appreciative of my skills.

That's the sadness involved with the guitar player being sung about in Song & Emotion; he doesn't have the chance to play for people anymore. Sure; money & fame are nice as is not getting screwed over & left behind, but the thing that hurts any musician most is not having a venue or outlet to play for other people. We simply want to entertain folks, or touch them, or move them or leave them with a melody that reminds them of something pleasant or sad but in either case real to them.

I can't recall if I've mentioned it here or not but all musicians do is channel emotions. That's the whole purpose of music - to express emotions that are too complex or too subtle to be discussed. Any musician that can do that is as accomplished as he or she needs to be & any who can't is not competent. When you're old & destitute & not sure where your next meal is coming from it's not a good thing but it's worse when it's because you aren't playing; you aren't moving people & being financially compensated for it.

I come from an old school of thought about musicians & music. Maybe the musicians today aren't as phased by the idea of growing old & obscure as I am & those who taught me. But as I said I think every musician fears it to some degree or another. To combat it some teach, others record & those like me just try to play as much as possible to keep it from happening; to keep from living up to the fate of the old guitarist in the Tesla song.

Will it happen to me? Who knows. It's possible & I'm at a weird place in my life anyway which doesn't decrease the chances of it, but to some extent I can make a comeback & decrease the odds of it happening or at least forestall the moment when it hits me that my memories are more vivid than my reality in the world of music.

My Funny Valentine

2007-02-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

I was thumbing through a notebook a little while ago & came across a letter I started to write to Frankie last March. Maria had called & told me to get out there because Frankie wasn't doing well & they didn't expect her to last for long. I couldn't make it. I had some work to do to the car & I didn't have the cash to make the trip. So I intended to write her a letter. I never finished it. I wrote another one & sent it to Lisa to read to her but Lisa never did. Frankie made it through March but not much past that. When I saw her I never told her the things I wrote. It's easier for me to write things than to speak them (as you might have noticed by the friggin' blog before you).

Anyway Frankie would have been 54 today. I wasn't that great of a son to her but I did always call on her b-day.

I felt bad for her in a way; she never went out to eat on her b-day. She said it was always too crowded at anyplace she wanted to eat at, & Franks' economically conservative (read: cheap) gene passed down to her (& me as well) so she couldn't see paying the cash for a dinner at a place requiring reservations.

I only recall eating out once on VD myself. It was with GAvO. That had to be back in 1991. Since then - well AS & I were off & on which usually meant off during mid-February. JD was a vegetarian so we never went out to eat anyway (plus she hated the "hallmark holiday"). KS wasn't into it either & she was absent most of the time anyway. Just looking it up she was out of the country during 2 Valentine's Days & we were broken up (though still seeing each other) for another one. The one we spent in the same country together I think we just went about our business.

Everyone else I've dated or been involved with in any way just wasn't around on VD. & usually it’s not that big of a deal; but every now & then I do miss trying to show my romantic side & VD is a perfect occasion for it, even if a bit cheesy & commercialized. Hell; can’t a brother have someone to send flowers to every now & then?

Last year & this year I would have gladly taken JAG out, but last year she was otherwise involved & this year it seems we're still not on speaking terms. I thought about sending her flowers or a card or something equally stupid but decided against it. She still hasn't retrieved the b-day presents I got for her so I figure we take things one holiday at a time while we're doing this whole in absentia thing. I have some pride; maybe not in the best manner but I'd hate to lose what little bit I have left.

From time to time it gets to me seeing couples. Hell I fucking deliver pizzas to guys in towels with a women's check being given to me all the time. It's not that I'm jealous because of the particular woman involved per se 9although a few have been stunning) it's that I see the togetherness. Okay I'll be honest - I see some fucking Neanderthal with the manners of an inbred goat & the IQ of a low flying anvil & right behind him there's a lady who looks otherwise engaging, intriguing & attractive. If these stupid fucks can convince some slightly to well above average lady that they're worth spending time with (& judging by the way they tip that's a helluva con job) then what the hell have I been doing wrong?

KS put up with me for close to 4 years - 2 of that shacking up with me. JD lasted a year 7 some months 9with about 10 months of co-habitation going on). Even VA lived with me for 2 months before screaming almost out of the blue that "great sex can't be the basis for a relationship!" (& I should have explored that thought train more deeply but I was too busy being a smart ass at the time). JAG lasted 4 months the first time around (albeit casually) & in a more abbreviated form 3 months the 2nd time.

Now I know I fuck up. I'm a guy; it's genetic & impossible for me to avoid (of course women fuck up just as much but no man is safe in saying that aloud). But how did I fuck up so badly with the women I have fucked up with, JAG especially & yet these "here's $45 & keep the change" (when the bill was $44.79) neocandescent motherfuckers seem to have secure stable relationships. I'm not talking about getting laid; I mean I deliver to some of these rejects from the gene pool a few times & month & it's always the same lady in the background.

Anyway I'm not that bitter about things. It just makes for a funnier rant when i approach things from the bitter angle (you have to admit you cracked a smile at "neocandescent motherfuckers" didn't ya?). But it does get to me. If I was single & had nothing in particular I wanted to have going on it wouldn't be so bad. But I have someone I think I'm compatible with (possibly more mutually compatible than I've ever experienced or observed) so it's a bummer to be alone. & yes; I know compatibility is mainly a component of "willing" which in a way makes it worse because I can't figure out why she wasn't willing.

But back to the point; it sucks to be alone, & not in a good way. Plus it's a little rougher this year because I won't be making a phone call I've been making annually for most of my life.

We never got along great but she was familiar. Hell she was my mother. Not a great mother to me but my mother nonetheless. I never sought comfort from her because she would have denied it. I rarely sought help or counsel because our relationship just wasn't like that. In fact I kept most of my life from her because it was easier on both of us that way - if she didn't know what I was doing. But I do miss talking to her; about whatever it was we talked about.

I used to call her on the way to a rifle match because they happened early in the morning & she was an early riser. It almost gave her hope that I would be normal one day because I was up & not about to go to bed. I haven't been to a match since she died. I kept letting other things get in the way but partly it was because I'd miss making that phone call while on the road.

Today I can't avoid not making the call. It'll just happen. Hell I erased her number from my phone a few weeks after she passed (I got tired of Danny calling from her cell & seeing my deceased mother's name flashing on my phone).

There aren't many folks I do it for but for the ones I care about I hate not calling them on their b-day. I didn't call KS last year on hers because we weren't really speaking - sort of a forced time-out on my part for my sake. JAG I didn't call because we weren't speaking. The year before I would have called her (in addition to offering to meet her & sending her cards & stuff) but she was otherwise engaged. Now Frankie I can't call because she won't answer the phone ever again. Now would be the perfect time to throw in something sappy about her maybe getting to eat out on her b-day but my concept of the after-life isn't worldly enough to justify it.

Luckily I have to work tonight. If I was off I'd have offered to work for Jim (he &his wife just hit the 20 year mark last week) but we'll both be working through it tonight. Not that it'll be busy - we should be pretty dead. But it'll give me something to do for a while instead of staring at the phone that won't ring for me & not dialing the numbers that won't ring for Frankie.

Chaka Kahn. My Funny Valentine. Babygirl singing that ass off.

The Last In Line

2007-02-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

A Dio tune. Ronnie James Dio was the first concert I saw. I was around 15 & didn't really know him that well, so my boy CW & I bought some albums (those were big CD's made out of wax, ya whippersnappers) & listened to a few of his albums a few days before we went to the show. Last in Line was a cool tune, mainly for the guitar work in the beginning & the solo.

I am the last of my line. Johnny's brother Mickey (who passed a while back - cancer) had a daughter & that was Johnny's only brother. Johnny has 4 children. I'm one of them & the other 3 are my sisters.

Frank had 2 girls (Frankie & Maria) & his line died out. But not really; he passed on so much of himself to Frankie, Maria & me that it continues in a fashion, just not in a way recognizable to genealogists who are in a hurry.

But I'm it. If I don't sire offspring then a branch of the greater family will end. You'd think I'd feel pressure to spread my seed. I don't.

It's not that I don't care about that sort of thing; it's that i figured it'd be nice to find a gal who could maybe put up with me for 18 years or so without looking at SAW as a tutorial. Despite all my bitching & protestations I know I can be difficult to deal with & even harder to live with. But I always thought the ideal way to go about things would be to A: find a lady B: make sure the lady gives a damn/won't bail/ is a decent human being/is someone I can care for, etc... & C: see if having youngin's is the thing we want to do.

I'm really ambiguous about kids. If I become a father it'd be real cool, but it's not something I would spend night after night crying over if it didn't happen. Shame as I'd probably be a decent father; I'd at least care & be around & shit. But if it happens or not I'm cool with it.

Still part of me winces at the implications. I can't recall Johnny or Frankie or anyone except Jean & Frank even mentioning it. Hell I think they were just relieved that i wasn't gay (I would rarely talk about ladies i was dating let alone bring one home). Jean & Frank just threw casual mentions around when I was a teen-ager to the effect of "I just hope I live long enough to see your children boy, but I don't think the Good Lord will let me tarry", but nothing serious. So I guess it's just some kind of cultural thing.

the way things look I won't pass on my genes or most of my knowledge. i think the latter tends to bug me more than the former. It's probably why I started this blog (whining was only a partial consideration). My life has been rough in a lot of places & in a lot of ways, but I've also seen some wonderful things; learned some wonderful things; felt some wonderful things. Those things will likely die with me & that is what I think makes me sad about not being likely to be a dad.

Of course I still have time. Johnny was around 46 when Jennifer was born. Coincidentally Johnny’s wife is 17 years younger than he is, though I doubt I'll have it going on like he did. Hell, JAG was a big exception for me & she was only 9 years my junior. I just typically preferred women around my age or older - course that was before i hit my mid 30's, but still...

Anyway I still have plenty of time. Sort of. Mickey was in his late 40's or early 50's when he passed & I've lived a much harsher life than he did. Cancer is genetic & my family is eat up with it. So it's very likely that if my lifestyle or smart ass ways don't get me then cancer will. & there's as much a chance that it'll hit in my 40's as there is that it'll hit in my 50's. 15 years ain't that long a time when you're looking at something unpleasant at the end.

I know - it's morbid as hell but it really doesn't get to me. Maybe I'm just used to things being dark in my world but death is death. Not something to long for for most folks but it's just a part of life. I'm not tripping over my own mortality; I'm just looking at the likely path my life will take.

Funny how I started talking about birth & drifted quickly to death. I should say something deep about nature being cyclic but I'm just not feeling it.

Nice For My Damn Self

2007-02-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

There's a young lady who works at the local Burger King. She's attractive & friendly & all, but A: she's got a few kids B: she & the father of said kids seem to be doing well together & C: she's not JAG. So I find her attractive but I have no intentions with her.

She's very nice to me though. Most of the time she'll not charge me for my fries. Not a huge deal but a nice enough gesture that I notice it. She also is friendly. Not in the "hope you come back to see us" kinda way, but she acts like we are friends to some degree. she's not always smiling & she'll tell me breifly what's going on in her world but she tries to smile for me even when she's feeling like hell.

Tonight I went through there like I usually do & she wasn't feeling good; sore throat, stuffed up sinuses, etc... So we chatted for a few about home cures & I got my food & split. A few hours later I pull back up there & hand her a bag containing some Theraflu tablets, Halls throat lozenges & a pint of Orange Juice. She's all touche dby it & I told her something that I don't think she believes but it was the truth. She told me I was "soooo sweet" & I told her I wasn't; I was very selfish.

I am. I didn't do that for her. While I like to think that her being nice to me for so long contributed to it I probably would have done it if she hadn't been generous witht he fires & ketchup packets.

I need someone to be nice to. With KS that need was fufilled. With JAG to a limited extent it was filled. When I had neither KS or JAG I had a girl at work (typically I'd get her coca-cola icees which she dug) to be nice to. Now I have no one to show my kinder sweeter minor-caliber side to, & I miss that.

So while she views it as a nice altruistic gesture I didn't get the meds for the nice lady who works at my local Burger King. I did it because I need to be nice or generous or outwardly show signs of caring about someone & she just happened to be a convenient object for that.

Well, & I was a musician so long that giving pretty women drugs is kind of habitual, but that's beside the point. :)

Truthfully if I didn't have this need I probably would have grabbed her the meds anyway because she has been kind to me & I generally try to return such gestures in kind, but my motivation was my own. Whether it produced an altruistic result or not doesn't matter so much to me. What matters is I know why I did it & it was more for my sake than hers. Though I do hope she benefits from it.

I did try to tell her but she mistook my honesty (albeit from an admittedly warped perspective) for humility. Which goes to show you can give a guy free fries for months & not really know him. :)

Funny though; she is part of my world. A big part actually. Not because we spend so much time together or that we have such meaningful exchanges, but because she's one of the few people I accept as being in my world. Most of the others are intruders in some way. so perhaps there was a bit of the "protect my own" mentality mixed in. After all one of the things I do that makes life trickier for myself than it should be is I try to take responsibility for everyone I consider to be in my world. Not that I nanny folks or anythng, just that I act for them if I'm able & think it's appropriate.

As I said though, on the outside it might appear to be just being nice, but my motivations, while benevolent, are selfish. the bright side is I've never thrown in anyone's face anything I've done for them (because I realized I was doing it as much for myself as them). The downside is this makes my world a little less magical I think.

Whatever the case I went an hour & $10 out of my way tonight for a lady I have no romantic interest in & whom I see for less than 30 minutes total each month. & I felt cool doing it. Maybe that just makes me a sucker? :)

The Slut

2007-02-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

No; this isn't about me being angry with some former lover & questioning her morals. This is about me.

While "slut" is a term normally applied to women I can't find any more appropriate description of my history. I am capable of being monogamous & I've only cheated on 1 girl that I had an obligation with but in general I've been single & sleeping around.

A side note; the 1 girl I did cheat on - I was 15 & made out with another girl. I hadn't had sex with either of them by that point & in fact broke things off with both of them within a week of my indiscretion. I confessed to the girl I was obligated to & explained my indiscretion to the girl I had cheated on her with. I learned very early on that I have too guilty a conscience about that sort of thing & have not broken an obligation since.

When I was 16 I met a girl who worked in the office of a company I worked for part time. She was 6 years older than I was. We hit it off & within a month or so I was sleeping with her. In fact I lost my virginity with her. That'd have been cool & everything but she was married at the time. So ultimately things didn't work out.

The next girl I slept with I was 17 & that turned out to be a 1 night stand. She was a few years older & not looking for a relationship. A few months later I met JL & she & I started dating, but that ended disastrously & I took myself out of circulation for close to a year.

After that it was on. I didn't sleep with just anyone; there had to be a certain attraction & I was very selective in my tastes. I wasn't like many of my friends who were just trying to fuck anyone they could every night of the week. Nor was I like a few of my friends who were looking for someone to settle down with. I was trying to find beautiful women that had something else going for them besides their appearance & seduce them; not just physically but mentally & emotionally as well. Getting laid wasn't the goal. It was the means to the goal. That goal was having someone I cared for fall for me. Whether it turned into a multiple week fling or something long term & serious didn't matter.

I was in a few relationships, some on & off & some continuous but every time I found myself single I was either sleeping with someone on a semi-regular basis or looking for someone to sleep with on a semi-regular basis.

I won't delve into how many lovers I've had or could have had I'll just say that I've turned down more women (sometimes unintentionally) than I've been with, but probably not as many as I've struck out with.

Another thing that I should say; physically I'm not that attractive. An objective assessment is that I look somewhere between slightly below average & average. My success in the dating field never came because women's jaws dropped when I'd walk into a room. It always came through some aspect of my personality. Which aspect varied from lady to lady but I think most have just appreciated my confidence & directness. I'd not be shy about talking to them which gave me a leg up on the majority of guys in their world. In fact my friends loved having me along when they'd go out because I would walk up to a group of women & just start chatting them up. I broke the ice & sometimes that's all that was needed.

I have a few other things going in my favor that usually didn't become known until the ladies decided to get intimate with me. Perhaps the one the lady will see most readily is that I'm good at foreplay. More precisely I'm usually prettygood at figuring out what turns a particular lady one & using that to make her very excited. I'm capable of having quickies but prefer to take some time just making out & enjoying the excitement & anticipation that comes with foreplay.

Another things is size. All guys say they're larger than average. I never bragged about my size; in fact I have seldom mentioned it. But I am a bit larger than average. Average male length is somewhere around 6 inches long by 1.5 inches wide. I'm around 8 inches long & 2 inches wide. Most women found this a plus (although a few just couldn't handle the length & girth) & coupled with the way I fuck it seldom resulted in the lady only wanting to sleep with me once.

I also have found I have an ejaculatory dysfunction. It's called Delayed Ejaculation & it was only recently that I realized that the condition existed & that I had it & it was not normal. Basically it's a psychological thing that prevents me from having an orgasm the way most guys do. Most men cum within 5 minutes or so of penetration. It usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour or sometimes longer. & it seems the more attracted I am to the lady the longer it takes.

This comes from my desire to please the lady & is something akin to a reverse of performance anxiety. I just focus too much on being a good lover to relax enough to let the physical pleasure take its natural course. So where most guys take about 5 to 10 minutes I'm taking an hour or so.

It's been a problem before but not mentioned too much. I think the ladies just assumed they didn't turn me on enough to make me cum, which is close to the exact opposite of what was going on. But coupled with my size it has made things less than enjoyable on occasion.

Still with the women I've slept with who had a circle of friends I was accessible to this has generally worked out well for me. as I said my appearance isn't the stuff wet dreams are made of but when one of their girlfriends tells them I'm well hung & fucked them all night long it's made me a popular choice for a late night bootie call.

Getting laid was never easy, but it usually wasn’t that difficult. I had to put some effort into it but usually a month or two was the longest I went without a lover (though there have been exceptions to this).

But usually when I gave up hope on a relationship I was within weeks looking for a new lover or lovers. Typically it was just that: lovers. I never tried to have anything deeper & would cut the lady off when she pressed for something more than what I wished to give her. I wasn't afraid of commitment I just didn't want to commit to anyone when I had recently gotten out of something serious.

My pattern was this; I'd sleep around until I found someone I thought I could be serious with & then I'd commit to her. When it ended I'd take a few weeks or so to get my head together then immediately start looking for another lover. I'd do this for months or sometimes years until I found someone else I felt was worth the emotional risk of commitment.

& it was fun - well the sleeping around part. But I've always thought that a monogamous relationship was preferable. I just had very high standards when it came to those & I wasn't going to turn my nose up at the second best thing.

That's changed now. At least for the moment.

With JAG I met her with the intent of us just being lovers. I was still seeing KS & didn't want to get involved in anything. But over time I saw myself with JAG in a serious relationship. I fell for her more or less which was tricky because I still loved KS. When JAG bailed on me I was at a loss for a bit. I ended up seeing KA again for a few weeks but she moved out of state.

I started dating around again like I was used to doing. But this time things were different; I met a few girls I knew I could commit to but didn't. I told myself various reasons for this but the truth is that I couldn't stop thinking about JAG, even though she was in something else herself. That should have clued me in to what was going on with me but humans have a great capacity for fooling themselves & I’m a very good example of that.

When she came back around I cut everyone off. I stopped looking. I stopped fucking. In all fairness I had meant to cut off one lover by that time anyway as she was getting too attached & not pursuing her other options, but I didn't try to replace her. But to this day I haven't slept with anyone but JAG since she became single in the first days of August. I always thought she'd be shocked if she found that out because she viewed me (not wholly inaccurately) as a slut.

I went out on a few dates & messed around a little bit but I always stopped short of fucking. One lady I gave an orgasm to through foreplay & another got so far as to have my cock in her mouth for a few seconds, but each time I declined to fuck them (in the latter's case withdrawing myself from her mouth & telling her it was nice but it was going a bit farther than I wished). But the dates were just to pass the time as I couldn't see JAG on those nights.

What makes it worse is that at least then I was seeing JAG (albeit not that often) & had some hope of things progressing. Since JAG & I fell out I haven't fucked anyone or really tried to.

The first few weeks after our falling out I was trying to go through the motions. But the first lady that seemed likely to follow through with her flirting I canceled on. It was just some strange almost inexplicable feeling in my gut that had nothing to do with her & everything to do with JAG.

Since then I haven't even really tried. I'll flirt here & there but that's more habitual than a solid attempt at anything. & it's a bit annoying really because my sex drive hasn't diminished at all, but the selectivity I have is working against me. At the moment I don't wish to have anyone else other than JAG so I don't even look. I will admit though that there are a few women I could sleep with, but they are all ladies whom I already have feelings for & know them to have some feelings for me. Unfortunately the closest one is a 16 hour drive, but perhaps that's just as well.

Odd isn't it? That a self acknowledged slut will be faithful to someone in absentia. I joked around a bit that I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now, & typically that would be the case. Except when I was 2 or 3 flings past her I wasn't past her.

But seducing women, & not just women but beautiful women, & not just beautiful in their appearance - that's been the most engaged in hobby I've ever had. When it worked out it was certainly fun, but even when it didn't it usually was to some degree enjoyable.

All that being said I think what I'm going through now is some offshoot of the introspective period I think I'm in. Though the urge for sex hits me strongly from time to time I don't want to give in to it. At least not until I figure out what's going on with me. I'm not saying that I've declared a period of celibacy for X number of months or years; in fact I have no idea if tomorrow I'll wake up & start the search for lovers again. But I think I realize that my usual tricks won't help me get JAG off my mind & that it wouldn't be fair to pursue anyone else at the moment, for myself as much as for them.

That is my story though; a slut (albeit a very selective one) for most of my life being celibate because of my feelings for someone I'm estranged with. It's a shame, not because of the pleasure I'm not engaging in, but like playing guitar it's one of the things I think I'm most talented at. To some degree it bothers me not that I'm not getting laid, but that I'm not giving out pleasure to someone I care for through those means.

Workin' For A Living

2007-02-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

Huey Lewis & the News. A cute little 80's pop tune. Here's a vid for ya.

My first job outside of working for my grandfather (as a clerk/stock boy/ad hoc security in his store) was at a pizzeria. I was 13. I haven't worked every day since then by any means, but I've busted my ass at some jobs & there have been a lot of jobs. In the past I've been a:

Dishwasher
Cook
Bus boy
Office cleaner/janitor
Landscaper
Painter
Well driller's assistant
Catering plant worker
Fast food restaurant prep worker
Plastic factory machine operator
Bakery packaging line worker
Cassette tape factory machine operator
Telemarketer (for the local symphony orchestra)
Delivery driver

Those all happened in between gigs as a musician, & a few of those occupations I've engaged in more than once. But a guitarist was what I was the most often & most consistently. It wasn't a job; it was a career. Not much of a career or a particularly lucrative one at its best, but a career nonetheless.

Now I am without it. It started off as taking an unexpected break from the music biz when my guitar was stolen. But it's turned into almost 6 years as being something other than a professional musician. At times this isn't so bad; the music business is truly fucked up. But I do miss the playing. I used to hit open jams every now & then to get my stage fix but lately I haven't even been doing that. Hell I haven't even touched my guitar in over 3 months.

I always told people I felt close to that it was a good thing I was working a lot in the music biz because when I wasn't gigging I was a real asshole. I thought I was kidding but it turns out there was some truth to that.

Playing isn't just a means of paying rent, it's an emotional release. I'm fairly stoic by nature. Not that I'm emotionless with everyone but I usual don't let folks in to how I feel unless I feel close to them or think it's important to do so. When I was playing I had my emotional release. I could let other people feel what I was feeling & that satisfied that need that most humans have, albeit not in the same way most humans have it.

When I'm not playing I don't have that release, so things build up internally. It's not that I reach some point where I explode with emotions so much as that I just don't know how to express some emotions any other way. So I internalize things that I'd have vented through playing & it makes me a little harder to deal with. Or understand. Or something.

But that's not the main reason I play (although it's an important one). I need a cause; something bigger than myself as it were. In my world there's nothing more important than a love interest (assuming things are reciprocal & a few other things fall into place). But during those times when I didn't have anyone to care about the playing filled that need in my life to have something other than my own desires to live for (even though playing was a desire of mine - I think I felt I gave as much or more than I got through it).

By the time I was with KS I wasn't gigging much. I handled things okay to some degree because she filled that need that playing did. Not perfectly but enough that not playing didn't bother me as much as it did when I was alone. But I think it had some effect on our relationship. I wasn't resenting her for my not gigging or anything, I just didn't have a vent for my emotions other than her, & with her I internalized a lot of things I shouldn't have.

Funny; she's seen me play about as much as any lady I've ever been involved with (some have only heard me play unplugged in my house for example) but I don't think she ever got me. Playing wise I mean. Granted I wasn't always playing in a situation where I could really do my thing when she was around, but I think she didn't really appreciate what I could do. I don't brag about my playing as I know too many folks who are better than me but I was & have the potential to be a hot little guitar player. Not just that I can do technically complex things (my "little Mikey-Vai" impression as one band called it) but I can be very soulful. I can make folks feel something when I play. One fellow told me at a gig that I reminded him a lot of Neal Schon (from Journey) not because of what I played, but the effect it had on him. He heard catchy melodies that conveyed something deeper than just a catchy melody & that was what I was trying to project so I felt that it was perhaps the best compliment I ever received from playing. Well, it ties with that one stripper who walked up to me in her tight little skirt & said that the way I played made her dick hard. But that's probably not an apples to apples comparison.

But KS never got that I don't think. VA never heard me play outside of our bedroom. JAG - I only played for her once & that was brief, again in my house & unplugged. where I really shine is with a band, with a decent vocalist doing a song I think has merit.

The tune "Rainy Night In Georgia" is a good example (here's Tony Joe White's version). I was doing it once with this doo-wop band & it came to the second verse. The verse has a line that says, "...the distant moaning of a train seems to pass a sad refrain through the night". The chords change from the root chord to the subdominant chord in between the words "train" & "seems" so I always throw in this bended interval which serves as an alteration of the subdominant chord as it resolves to the 11th & 6th of the subdominant. I lower the volume when I hit the bend & increase the volume as it resolves downward which gives it an effect which sounds almost like a train moaning in the distance.

The first time I did that little trick the guy singing the tune (who was an old veteran of the music biz) turned around kind of surprised & smiled at me for a few words of the verse. I ha d impressed him, partly because he didn't think a skinny little white kid with long hair who was barely old enough to drink could do something so tasteful in an old standard.

But that was an example of how I tried to highlight the song's meaning when I played. When I soloed it was more direct but I went with the same goal in mind - make folks feel what the song is supposed to make them feel. There are a few tunes where I'm better at this than others, but in general that was my philosophy when playing.

But now I'm not playing. I don't have that release nor do I have that part of my life to be proud about.

When I was with KS I started writing on my other site. That did something for me similar to music but in a different way; it gave me something to work for that I felt was bigger than myself but this time in an intellectual way rather than an emotional one. I got to show off my mind instead of my heart. & that's been a cool thing but it hasn't been as good for me as playing was. Not just that I've never made money at it but that intellectual venting was never that much of a problem for me. Emotional venting has been.

So where I am now is that I'm not playing at all, even at home. In part I'm doing this purposefully so I can deal with some emotions that I otherwise would just play away. I admit I understand more about my emotional side & how that works than I ever have before, but this kind of introspection is very draining.

For work I'm delivering fucking pizzas. It's not bad work as far as it goes but it grates me that I'm doing something requiring such little skill when I should be playing. I used to tell folks that the most important lesson I learned from working in the pizzeria when I was 13 was that you should never work in a pizzeria. It's hard to follow my own advice though.

Maybe one day I'll get off my ass & play again. Or maybe I'll go back to school (I've been toying with the gunsmithing program at this one school - it's a hobby of mine). For now I'm just working & trying to feel things without my favorite crutch.

Anytime?

2007-02-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's a Brian Mcknight tune. I always liked Brian & partly because I have a pal that is gigging with him (but does he ever call me when Brian needs a guitar player? Hell no). Most folks don't recognize the title as the chorus is:

"Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
I miss you"

It's a sappy R&B ballad with some nice touches (especially the guitar work - minimal but tasty). & it's not hard to figure out what the song is about from the chorus. (I particularly like the last full chorus - the way McKnight comes in behind the beat with the 2nd line & accents "me".) Here's the tune set to clips from X-men.

Babygirl has to be thinking of me. If I'm correct she's hitting my other site 3,4 sometimes 5 times a week. & not at any specific time like it's part of her daily routine.

Before we fell out the last time she had told me that she wanted to always keep in touch even if I left the state because "you never know what will happen down the road". Maybe that's no longer applicable since our falling out but you know damn well it crosses my mind.

As far as I can tell she's using the site to keep some sort of bond with me while keeping her distance. She figures that getting in touch would bring drama or pain to our lives but she wants to stay connected in some way. After 3 months I can't imagine it's just her checking to see if I'm alright after our falling out, though that very well could be what she tells herself to justify her visits. & after 3 months I assume she's found someone to date so I doubt it's anything guilt induced on her part. I mean that she's not checking out my site because she feels bad about her role in our falling out.

She doesn't know that I know that she's visiting me. To be honest I'm not 100% certain it's her that's visiting, but I'm reasonably sure.

Perhaps she's checking to see if there's some excuse to break the ice? Or to see if I'm stable enough to break the ice with? Which would be tricky as I seldom talk about anything very personal on the other site. I write under a pseudonym & mainly discuss bigger issues. I mention tidbits about my life but nothing very identifiable or particularly telling, though I have found myself writing as if she was my only audience from time to time.

I have thought about telling her about this site, either directly or cryptically. I doubt I'd write her though so it'd have to be a cryptic mention on my other site in the hopes that she'd pick up on it. But I'm still unsure. I honestly don't know how she'd react to my writings here. It might make her understand me a little better, or it could serve to push her away & strengthen the wall we have up between us. eventually I'm sure I'll clue her in, but I'm not sure when - maybe after I've written some things that aren't about her so she won't think I'm obsessed or stuck in a dark place.

But she visits. She reads. So she has to be thinking of me. I do not see how she can detach my site from thoughts of me. With the frequency she visits I also assume that I do cross her mine when she's away from a computer. I don't know what would trigger it but I can see her thinking of me if some Prince comes on a radio or if she is exposed to something else that she might associate with me.

Of course this is all academic since she isn't getting in touch. As I said I would be surprised if she hasn't found someone else to date by now, possibly seriously. & I don't feel great about that. But that she still visits makes me think that there's a slight bit of hope for us reconciling. Perhaps not that much of a chance, but when you care for someone a slim chance is all you need to hang on to.

I have thought of checking out her MySpace page but so far I've resisted the temptation. I'd feel as if I was spying on her even though I have no problems with her checking out my other site. I think it's just my pride; if she wanted me to know about her life she'd tell me. Besides I don't think it'd be pleasant for me if I saw pics of her & her new b/f (assuming she does in fact have one by now). But I haven't checked up on her. I doubt I will unless she gets in touch. But her checking out my site is different somehow; I think because I want her in my life so her checking on me is fine, but since I don't think she wants me in hers I don't feel right about visiting her MySpace page. besides, even though I want her to be happy it's never the coolest thing to see how someone is getting on with their life after a falling out. Not that I want her to be miserable without me - not at all. But it's a little bit of a sting to me to think that she shrugged me off & is crusing on with her life like I was little more than a speed bump. Which I admit is a selfish part of me that I don't particularly care for, but it is a part of me. I internalize it though mainly because I have too much pride to tell somone that I feel hurt because they don't value me as much as I value them.

But I cross her mind. Of course I have no idea if it's in a good way or a bad way, or if thoughts of me will ever be so strong as to cause her to get in touch. But still it's some kind of comfort to me that she's trying to hold on to me, even if in a minimal & distant way. & that is because I do miss her.

I Don't Believe In Love

2007-02-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Queensryche. I used to really dig their stuff. I still do I just don't put them on the music engine as much as I used to. Here's the vid. Here are the lyrics. It's part of a concept album which tells a very tragic story. Without giving it all away a junkie becomes involved in a political revolutionary/terrorist type movement & is ordered to kill the woman he loves. He refuses to do so & tries to find her but when he does he discovers she's already been killed. The song is his expression of denial in the face of this tragedy. His world is darkened to an almost unbearable extent so he denies that love existed at all as he cannot deny that fact that his lover is dead.

I admit that at times it'd have been easier on me if love didn't exist at all, but I also think that my world would be considerably darker if that were the case. Before I delve into whether or not it's always a good or cool thing to have around I'm going to try to define it. I'm going to be working with a very simple definition of love. I make no pretenses on being 100% right or of this being an inclusive definition. I try to keep it simple so I can understand it (I am a guy after all).

Love in the romantic sense (as opposed to the platonic sense) is a mix of several things. It's a combination of primarily caring & attraction mixed in with some amount of respect &/or admiration. The combination of each element will vary to some degree though I have no idea how far & under which circumstances.

This is important; this is not to be confused with what most folks refer to as "being in love". That is a separate (although usually connected) experience. It is very possible to love someone but not be in love with them, or to fall in & out of love with them, yet still love them. In my experience loving someone is like an entrée whereas being in love with someone is like a dessert. It's very nice when both are present but if I had to choose I'd say a more solid & healthier relationship would only require 2 people loving each other.

To complicate things a bit more I don't believe that love is fleeting. Being in love can come & go but once you feel love for someone it's permanent. Circumstances have an effect & sometimes it can seem as if a person does not feel the love they once did for another person. It's still there but dormant to the point that pragmatically it does not seem to exist. Yet the right circumstances can allow it to come to the surface again.

Acceptance or acknowledgement or some faith that love will be received positively is essential in letting the emotion develop fully. If acceptance (for lack of a better word) does not seem likely the conscious or subconscious mind will put a halt to the further development of any feelings of love. Pragmatically it never develops or seems to grow but as I said before under the right circumstances it can surface again & even develop more than it did before. Love simply exists. It does not disappear once felt.

Have you ever ran into a former lover that you thought you didn't care for yet felt very strong emotions towards him or her? That would seem to confirm this part of the theory. Its happened to me & likely it's happened to you. The thing is the love was always there it just took certain circumstances to feel or acknowledge it again.

Speaking from personal experience I still love every woman I've ever loved. AS, JL, GAvO, JD, VA, KS, KZ, JA & JAG. I still have love for every one of them. However a few of them I don't consider to be decent people (namely AS & JL) & most of the rest of them I don't see any chance of a future with. Therefore while I can still feel love for each of them if I dwell on it I do not feel compelled to act or express that love. Under the right circumstances I would feel it just as strongly as I did when I was involved (or trying to be involved) with them, but those circumstances would have to create a situation that I believed would work.

I'd need some chance of acceptance in a manner that I would need. I’d need to have faith that it was not futile to put out emotionally (so to speak) in order for those feelings to rise to the surface.

The kicker is that even if I did feel love for any one of them full force I would be just as capable of not acting on it as I would be of acting on it. I would also be capable of suppressing whatever I felt to control the desire to act.

Love is not uncontrollable. You can feed it or starve it to some degree & sometimes without even trying. But love is not totally at your command either.

There may be more parts to the equation than the 4 I mentioned (caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance) but I have no idea what they are or if they'd be specific to an individual as opposed to universal. It's also entirely possible that those 4 things are just what I need to feel love for someone, but in my experiences with women (including my discussions of the matter both direct & indirect) my definition seems to be universal. Individuals vary a bit & different proportions seem to be necessary for different people & circumstances but if we limit the topic to generalities I think I'm mostly correct.

Love is controllable to some extent but denying it is always uncool in the long run even when you don’t wish to act upon it. One of the biggest wrongs I've done to myself & another was committed while I controlled my feelings of love for someone. It was not as simple a situation as I thought at the time & I thought everything moving towards a desirable end. But I suppressed my feelings because of the circumstances when I should have been more open with myself & the young lady involved. It's not that the situation would have necessarily turned out differently had I expressed my love for her, but it would have brought about a more natural chain of events than what transpired (though the outcome may have been the same).

4 things; caring, attraction, respect/admiration & acceptance. If you feel those 4 things for a person then in my estimate that's the base form of love; the beginning of love if you will. It can certainly grow from those things & become much more than the sum of its parts but I think that's where it all starts. It can be suppressed & stagnate & seem to disappear through circumstance or your own will, but it's always there; waiting for the right circumstances to surface again.

The idea that love is so enduring may seem naive or idealistic but in my experience it's held up well as a theory. Of course I'm a bit of an idealist & a romantic so I could be biased.

As much as I like Queensryche I disagree with the song's premise (even though I understand it). I believe love exists & even though it's sometime difficult to deal with (not to mention painful as hell) it's worth it, especially when the person you love is worth it (whether or not it works out as you desired).

Selling The Drama

2007-02-09T06:11:00.001-07:00

A tune by Live. I used to play a few of their tunes in this mainly R&B band. I say mainly because the thirst for gigs overtook any pretense of labeling. We did everything from serious jazz gigs to a weekly reggae gig. The jazz wasn't too much of a stretch but when we got the reggae gig (we were supposed to start in about 10 days) we busted ass learning as much Marley & Tosh as we could while reggae-fying old Marvin Gaye & Parliament tunes. In any case I've never been positive about what the song means, just that it seems to be about religion in some way. The title seems to lead me to think it's about the harm that religions can do on the mind of an individual but I could be very much mistaken. Here are the lyrics if you care to come to your own conclusions. Here's the vid to see how it comes together melodically.

I hate drama. What's odd is that I've done more than my share of work to create it in my life. Drama is unavoidable though (to some degree) because humans are social creatures & drama is a by-product of socialization. It's possible to minimize it but I don't think it's completely avoidable if you have any meaningful contact with other people. & that's a damn shame.

In any case I don't have too much drama in my own life at the moment, partly because my contact with others is at a minimum right now. Doing the hermit thing has its advantages. However there was some recently.

My ex-step-father sent me a letter in early January. Danny enclosed a money order for $50 & a hastily scribbled note about it being an x-mas present. Frankie used to send me $50 money orders for x-mas (when she'd not listen & send me something despite my wishes for her not to). She got the habit from Frank who would always give her $50 for x-mas. In fact last year while she was in the hospital (she got out on x-mas eve) she wrote a card that really fucked me up. Just that it was kind of sappy (coming from her) & she talked about Frank. Frank & her were really close - well as close as anyone in our family can be & it really tore her up when he died, so her talking about him was particularly emotional - at least as much as I've seen her get. & that she wrote it while laying up in a hospital kind of got to me.

In any case Danny sent me $50. So I cashed it & got a $50 money order & sent it back to him with a brief letter. I just said that I didn't wish him any harm but I didn't want him to contact me again. I didn't explain why figuring it'd be best to keep things simple.

Lisa called about a week later asking what I wrote to him. I told her & she then told me he had called her crying asking her what he'd done to me. She told him she didn't know but it was probably just my way of dealing with Frankie being gone. I talked with Maria a week or so later & she scolded me (in her own way - she told me my letter "wasn't very nice") about it.

I have always been a little quick to cut people out of my life. For some reason I always reasoned that my life wasn't going to be very long & I really didn't have time to waste with folks I didn't care for. (Conversely those I care about I would go to great lengths for if necessary, even after not speaking for considerable lengths of time). & Danny is an ass.

He's not one because he's mean, but more so because he's ignorant. The effect is the same but I never really hated him, I just didn't care to be around him. I got along with him okay though when Frankie was alive, especially the last few years of her life but that was for her more than anything.

Danny's done a few specific things over the years to me. He's made me feel unwelcome in his & Frankie's home; he snapped at me when she was dying reminding me tat she was his wife; he's ruined surprising by telling Frankie I was coming to see her, etc... & a few other more minor things. With Frankie being gone I just don't see any reason to waste my time dealing with him. & under those circumstances i really don't see it as being right for me to accept gifts from him.

Oh the other thing - Lisa called me a few months back & she was really upset. What upset her was Danny spending money left & right. I'm not talking a hundred here & there - he bought a $30,000 truck & was throwing hundreds around at some church auction to give some examples.

Frankie had cancer & went through two rounds of fighting it. I assumed that it had wiped them out. Danny used to tell me about the bills coming in & most were 5 digits with a few 6 digits ones landing in their mailbox. Cancer is expensive as hell.

But I assume that their insurance covered most of those bills & Frankie apparently had life insurance. I figured she had a pretty sizable 401k (she always worked hard - one of those things we all learned from Frank) but wrongly assumed that would go towards the left over medical bills.

I have no idea how much money Danny came into on Frankie's passing & I don't care too much to know. It doesn't bother me that he's never mentioned anything about giving me any of it - I'm not greedy or materialistic & despite my lack of wealth I prefer to make my way on my own.

What gets me is Lisa. Frankie raised her. What's more is that Lisa would often take off from work to take Frankie to the doctor or just be with her during chemo & other treatments. I was more a child of Jean & Frank's but Lisa was Frankie's. It gets to me that Danny hasn't mentioned a damn thing about giving her anything - not just money but anything that Frankie might have wanted her to have - pictures, jewelry, knick-knacks, books, etc...

So I threw a line in there about that in my letter to him.

Maria & I had talked about this a few days after Lisa called me being upset with Danny. Maria brushed it off by saying that Danny just wasn't ready to deal with settling Frankie's estate. My view is that if he wasn't ready to settle the estate he wouldn't be blowing cash.

But that's the family drama that I experienced in January. Nothing major or life altering, just mildly aggravating. Luckily though I think I'm out of that particular loop. I doubt Danny will get in touch again so the most I'll be effected is by listening to Lisa &/or Maria if anything concerning Danny comes up.

Still I do hate drama. It's time consuming & draining with little or no benefit to anyone concerned. That I have in the past contributed to drama is not something I'm proud of & I've always sought to avoid or minimize my role in such doings, but sometimes it cannot be helped.

Extraordinary Machine

2007-02-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

Fionna Apple. An odd yet cute tune, which is typical for Fionna. Here's the vid.

I don't brag. Not that I'm modest I just don't see the point in it most of the time. But upon reflection I felt I needed to do something to counter the image I've likely been presenting so far. Ya see I view a lot of my posts of the last few months as whining. I'm not used to or very comfortable with expressing those kinds of emotions, & I tend to look at it as being wimpy in some way. But I've always been a very strong person. I've been through quite a bit in my life & have done some things that have been either uncommon or downright difficult. To give some examples:

I've chased armed robbers while unarmed
I've tended a dying man
I've rendered aid to someone seriously ill
I've backed up a buddy in a fight against superior numbers
I then kicked buddy's ass later cause he was in the wrong
I tried to stop a wedding for love's sake (though I failed)
I've pulled arms on a large number of armed men
I've been shot at
I've been seriously threatened with death at least twice
I’ve played a coliseum
I’ve declined sex with otherwise beautiful women because of an obligation
I’ve declined sex with a beautiful woman I loved because I felt it wouldn’t have been right for her under the circumstances
I've been homeless (in an effort to save cash for a kid that turned out not to be mine)
I've put out a few fires while getting singed in the process
I've driven all night to see someone before they died
I've worked almost 24 hours straight (22 & some-odd minutes)
I've stood up to a guy who I was no match for because he was in the wrong
I've lost the people who raised me at a fairly young age
I've had my heart broken a few times, in some cases very badly

Among the hardest things I've done - the most difficult or straining - is to tell someone I cared when I was unsure of their response. Or worse; when I knew the response would not be the same. I'd take any of the above that involved physical risk over that anytime.

But I've been through those things & quite a few others & survived. I won't say that I came through unscathed because in some cases there was real & lasting damage. But it hasn't stopped me yet.

Two things amaze me of late about human beings - their capacity for pain & their capacity for fooling themselves. I've been enduring a lot of the former & have realized how much of the latter I'm guilty of. As bad as the former is I'd rather have that than to have had the latter. Being unsure or misguided about my actions has caused me to make some errors that I should not have made.

But no; emotionally I'm a very strong person. My tolerance for pain is high which is a very good thing because my capacity for caring is very deep. Whether it's intentional or not caring always involves pain. It's really impossible to care about someone & not be hurt by their actions to some degree at some point. Whether it's through a misunderstanding or through you just having too high of an expectation (& subsequently being let down) or some other cause the ones you love will bring you pain. The more you care the more pain is possible. It sucks (& not in a good way) but that's just the way humans are.

So this post is to simply try to save some face I think I've lost by opening up my emotional side in the ways I have over the last few months. I don't have many folks to complain to off the internet & this has for good or ill become my source of venting. But don't let it lead you to believe that I'm fragile. I am sensitive, perhaps more sensitive than most folks realize, but so far life hasn't dished out anything I couldn't take, just a bunch of things I'd rather not have taken.

Confusing kindness with weakness is something I've always thought some folks I have cared about have been prone to do in my case. & perhaps they are right; after all caring is a weakness, as is love. But it's also a strength. Despite my efforts to make Spock look like a whiney 4 year old I do care very deeply for some things & for some people. By doing so I have given them the capability to hurt me; I’ve exposed my throat so to speak. That could be viewed as a weakness.

But it also takes strength to care, especially deeply. After a certain point in our lives we realize what caring entails & the risks we take by doing so. The deeper the caring the more risks but also the more fortitude that is required to embark down that path.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last few years is not to tell JAG I cared when I should have. Not that the outcome would have been different, but I feel I owed it to her to be that honest (though at the time I was having some trouble being honest with myself). That was cowardly on my part & I am ashamed of that. Nothing to be done about it now & I have since corrected that (albeit not in the best manner possible) but if I have been weak about anything in recent memory that would have been it.

As I said, I vent here & mostly I write when I feel less than stellar, so do not think of me as a wimpy old man crying about how horrible the universe has been. Everything that's happened has been at least partly if not mostly by my own hand. I take full responsibility for my actions & their consequences, both the intended ones & the unintended. Despite my whining about a girl I care for but lost I'm functioning. I may not be the happiest camper in the forest but I still have the potential to do great things. & perhaps one day I will again.

So take my whining with a grain of salt. I haven't typed anything insincerely but there's more to me than this.

VD

2007-02-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

VD is coming up. Valentines Day that is. :) Of the holidays I give a damn about this one is the least important but it still gets to me when I'm without someone. What makes it worse is that it was Frankie's B-day. I used to feel real sorry for her because she'd never go out to eat on her b-day - she said the lines were always too long. I'd call her though & wish her a happy b-day, even on the years when she'd forget or neglect to call me on mine.

So this year will be strange as I won't be making a call I traditionally made. I Imagine I'll hear from Lisa & maybe Maria as they'll be not making their usual calls either.

& now that I think about thinks I've only taken one women out on Valentine's Day - GAvO . I’ve only dated two women on VD; that’d be JD & KS. Neither one cared that much for the day & asked me to not make a big deal of it, which was just as well because I was working anyway (in JD’s case I was out of town).. There were a few I would have taken out on VD, but things just didn't work out. JAG was unavailable last year & this year - that whole not being on speaking terms makes me think she'd decline any offers I made (were I to swallow my pride enough to make an offer). Besides, I assume that she's found someone to date by now, at least on a casual basis.

In other words this year VD will suck - & not in a good way.

Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry

2007-02-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

From the Van Morrison tune Tupelo Honey. My favorite tune of his as a matter of fact. Here's the tune set to some slideshow about someone's family.Here's Van doing the tune live.

"You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry"

Remember all those fairy tales you heard as a kid about the knight on the shining steed rescuing the damsel in distress? Or the captain going down with his ship? Or the general leading the charge into the enemy's cannons? Or the guy putting his cape over the puddle for the lady to walk on? Just fairy tales right? Nope; I bought them hook, line & sinker.

It'd be no big deal but the world doesn't work that way. I doubt it ever did.

I'm loyal way beyond a fault. I can be trusted. Those would be bad enough but I have all these fucked up ideas about nobility tossing about in my head. Lost cause? Charging an overwhelmingly superior force? Diving on the grenade to save your buddies? Saying something snarky right before the armed gang tries to take your head off? I am sooo there. Those seem normal to me. Not normal in the "it happens every day' sense but normal as in "what else was the guy supposed to do?" sense.

Doing things above & beyond what most folks would reasonably do is the manifestation of all this. I've worked when I was injured, played when I was injured, went through a lot of hardships in order to accomplish some seemingly worthy task, or even unworthy tasks because it was what I viewed as my obligation to do so.

Most folks don't understand this. They view it as crazy in some ways. & perhaps they're right.

But I have all these foolish ideas about loyalty & faith & commitment & obligation & love rolling around my head. What makes it worse is that I try to put them into practice. I've never actually removed my cape to cover a puddle a lady is about to walk across but that's probably because I don't wear capes. Anymore. (They are soooo last year).

I've been called an idealist & a romantic & even an iconoclast. I can't say that those labels are unfitting. But they do become problematic. Principles mean something to me & while I won't say that I always do what I think is correct I do try to do what I think is correct. If it involves some matter of principle I'll try that much harder.

& love - my whole life I've viewed that as the most important thing in life. it's taken precedence over my career, my goals & even on occasion my desires. Not the abstract concept of caring deeply, but the practice of showing commitment & devotion to someone. I don't love half-assed. When I feel it I usually feel it rather deeply & if I don't try to fool myself I tend to put forth all the effort I can into that. Not that I act perfectly or make all the right choices, but I try. & by no means does that mean it always turns out well. But when it turns out badly it's not because I wasn't willing to put effort into something - it's usually because I just fuck up or the other person just fucks up.

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? If not I'd recommend watching it as it's a pretty good flick. But it also gives an understanding of the beliefs I have, or at least the level I'd go to in pursuing those beliefs. Storming a castle with only two other people on my side when I'm partially paralyzed to rescue a lady who might love me but whom I love? In the very unlikely event that situation ever arose I'd do the same thing 9albeit my tactics might alter a bit - I like to add my own flair).

But the world I live in doesn't seem to have those values that I do. Most folks view such ideals & values as naive & silly. So it isn't easy being an idealistic, romantic iconoclast in the 21rst century (if there ever was a time when it was cool to be so). The idea of a man's word being his bond is anachronistic. A contract is enforceable, but mere words & maybe a handshake? There are seldom any serious consequences for breaking such bonds. Word of mouth & reputation still have some value, but no enough to make such archaic practices that important. Don’t misunderstand; I'm not saying there aren't any folks that can be trusted when they say something, but that they're in the minority in my experiences.

So as a consequence of how I am & how the world works around me I withdraw to a certain degree. I don't trust folks as much as I know they could trust me. I don't make commitments or give my word that often. & I don't love that many people.

It's not so much pessimism about others as it is self-defense. I realize what I will do for those I care for or have bonds with so I try to make sure it's worth it - the trouble I could potentially be subjecting myself to for someone else's sake. Which brings me to the state I'm in now; I have few friends that I truly trust &/or feel I can rely on & a love that's so estranged & distant from me that I don't know if we'll ever talk again, let alone see each other in any meaningful way.

Despite the seeming loneliness of the situation it's the way I prefer things. If given the choice I'd have dozens or perhaps hundreds of friends & a love that was more tangible in my life. But that kind of world doesn't exist so I make choices based on how I know myself to work as well as how I know the world to work.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying that in practice my actions are the epitome of chivalrous or piety or nobility. It’s just that I try; that I believe in those things & attempt some action based on those concepts. It’s not that the results are always great. Hell sometimes they’re quite fucked up. But I try.

& it's all Van Morrison's fault. Or the folks who wrote The Princess Bride. Or who ever came up with all those fairy tales & told them to me as a kid. Or my grandparents for teaching me that such practices are the right way to conduct yourself in the world. But most of all it's mine for not growing up. Now where did I put my breastplate?

Picture

2007-02-05T04:42:00.000-07:00

Kid Rock tune. He did it with Sheryl Crow (as can be seen here) & that's the one most people have heard but I stumbled onto this vid of him doing the tune with LeAnn Rhimes. I always dug the way she sung, & the way she aggravated a few female vocalists I knew who had to do some of her material.

"I've been living my life in a slow hell
different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun" something or other "in 3 damn days."

It's been a helluva lot longer than 3 damn days. 3 months since the b-day. I feel better than I did a month or two back but it still saps me sometimes; the lack of motivation mainly. Emotionally I'm pretty drained. It takes some effort for me to feel things as deeply as I do & I've been feeling a lot as of late.

Matter of fact it's been exactly 3 months (by the calendar) since I've heard from her, & that was a fairly cold note. Still I spent some time tonight driving around thinking about things - her part & my part & where each of us did things that were uncool. Same conclusion; we could repair the damage & possibly even have something very cool come out of it, but it's impossible if she's not willing to try. & not being in touch leads me to believe she's not willing. Still, she checks out my other site. After all this time it can't be because she wants to make sure I'm not suicidal or anything (not that I ever have been – just sayin’). The girl cares, but to what extent I do not know. It's all academic though if she won't act upon it.

I should just move the fuck on but I really don't want to. It'd be easy to revert back to my dog-like state, seducing as many women as I can (or trying to at least) - but what's the point? I did that for about a year & the whole fucking time I couldn't shake her from my mind. It'd be the same if I tried it now; I'd be with someone else to pass the time but I'd be desiring her. Not that I like being alone & lonely but it seems the only option because not just anyone will do this time around. I'm afraid I know too much about myself & how I tick now for the old tricks to work.

So I’ll live my life in a slow hell but skip the different girl every night part. The American Federation of Musicians will have my card if they find out about this. :)

Still, 3 months to the day since she sent that last e-mail. Took her maybe 10 minutes to write? If she'd have just put that much fucking effort into giving me a little compassion on my b-day things would have been different for both of us. Sad isn’t it? She could scrape together 10 minutes to tell me I was crazy & that she was done but she couldn't scrape together 10 minutes to wish me a happy b-day.

& if you're wondering why I'm still hanging on to someone who'd behave in such a way - well sometimes I do too. But then I think of how she thinks, & types; little phrases she's used. The way she looks when she's trying not to laugh at me, the way she kisses me when she's glad to see me. The way she did care. I just can’t fathom that she’s stopped doing the latter even if she’s not acting upon it.

Objectively I could say that there are thousands or tens of thousands like here around the area, but to me she is more than the sum of her parts & I'm afraid replacing her would be impossible. She's flawed & in some ways downright fucked up, but not so much that she's not still the most beautiful woman I know. & she doesn't look bad either. :)

The problem is that I love her. It’s complicated by my emotions not just being base – I care for her mind as much as for her body. Despite the circumstances I still know her to be a good person, one of the coolest I know. She dissed me pretty hard but I don’t think badly of her in general, just that her actions were cold & uncaring.

As bad as things have been the damage isn't irreparable - unless she doesn't want it to be. I'm just hoping in 3 months I won't be writing about her as I am now: as a lady I miss terribly.

Rambling Man

2007-02-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

I feel odd. Not necessarily bad but not well either - just different than last weekend for instance.

There's a balance that's ideal for men. You don't want to be too emotional (read wimpy) yet you don't want to be too stoic (read asshole). I always thought in relationships I did a decent job of balancing those sides of myself. Sure; I'd lean one way or the other, never perfectly in the middle, but it'd be reasonably balanced. I don't think I've ever raised my voice let alone hand to a woman I was involved with but at the same time I never broke down & cried when something displeased me.

But maybe I've gotten it wrong. Maybe JAG wanted more stoicism than I showed her last time around?

It's sad that games are played in relationships, but I think part of that is subconscious & cannot be helped. For example if you try to get too close to someone they tend to back away. It doesn't matter that much if you realize what's going on because it's an emotional response that you can't help but feel.

So maybe with JAG I tried to get too close, or she thought I was trying to get too close. Which from my end seems not quite the way it happened, but from her perspective it very well could have been the way it occurred. & her perspective matters more than reality when it comes to her acting.

With KS I was gentle, but I was also pretty firm about some things. She saw that as me being controllable in some things & a complete ass about others.

I'll admit up front I'm not the easiest person to live with or sometimes even deal with, but I'm not a complete asshole or a raging wimp either. I can be emotional & sentimental - I have a romantic streak in me - but I'm also tough as hell. I've been through quite a lot & while phased by it I'm still functional. I've also been as protecting as I think I've needed to be. I've shown caring & the willingness to put effort into helping out my partner. Not just with the dishes or taking care of the kittens, but by talking & listening & being most willing to step in a situation for whatever it was worth.

I don’t know. Maybe JAG viewed me as not being strong enough to deal with her life the way she envisions it. She'd be wrong as hell but her perception governs her actions, just as my perception governs mine. Reality is something else entirely.

I feel odd though. Odd because I'm still dwelling on her; that I'm still trying to rationalize what happened; to understand her, etc. I know what's up. I also know there's nothing I can do about it; it's entirely up to her to contact me or not & after that it's up to her if she wants to work something out with me. The only decision I can make under the circumstances is to shut her out completely.

That makes me feel a bit more helpless than I like. Not being able to act in some way is the most frustrating thing in the world for me. But it's also how it is.

We're defaulting on not being in each other's lives right now. It may be permanent. I don't want to accept that because I do care for the girl deeply, but I'm not so much a fool that I don't see that as a possible & perhaps likely outcome.

So it's not like either of us have to put forth any effort into things; they're the way they are & will continue till one of us tries to change that. That "one of us" has to be her. Maybe it's prideful or something but I really got this thing about courting rejection &/or bugging people.

But like I said I feel odd. Maybe it's accepting that I'm alone or that she isn't going to call tonight for whatever reason. Or maybe I'm getting comfy with her not being in my life. I kind of doubt that because she was always a bright spot in my world. Not that my world was that dark to begin with but she made it a little brighter.

Most likely is that I'm just tired of feeling bad. Not that I feel all perky & cheerful just to feel different but there's only so much emotional exploring I can do before I'm too drained to carry on with things as is.

But I still care for her & think even now we could work things out. I don't think either one of us has done anything to eliminate the potential we had even though it'd require more effort now than it would have before to realize it. Then again maybe it'd be better next time around than it would have been last time? Who knows?

All I can say for certain is that I miss her - not what she was to me but her. It's pointless to wonder if she misses me too or if I ever cross her mind but ya know damn well I do. I wish I could turn it off but I know myself too well. For the rest of my life I'll miss her if she doesn't come back around, it's just that over time I'll get used to missing her.

Maybe that's the odd feeling - I'm beginning to get used to missing her?

Strippers

2007-01-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

My buddy KP & his wife hired a dancer for their son's 18th b-day party a few weeks back. I was over there because we have some projects we're working on together in his garage. The young lady came in & hung out for a bit before they were ready for her downstairs. I talked to her & she seemed cool. She told me she was close to hanging up her g-strong - just a few more student loan payments to make.

I've been around dancers most of my life. It sort of went hand in hand with that musician thing. I never dated a practicing dancer but I've been friends with more than a few. They make good cash but I do feel a bit of pity for them as they see a very fucked up side of men which in my experience has altered their judgment of the rest of us. But some of the sweetest biggest hearted folks I ever hung out with were strippers.

Anyway they (KP & his wife) urged me to come down to see the look of surprise on the kid's face. So I wandered downstairs & watched for a minute or two. The lady was attractive - I noticed that when we were chatting up in the garage. The kid was surprised & his friends were acting like 18 year old boys do when they see a pretty dancer. & all that was cool.

But then she took off her shirt.

I've seen a few naked women in my life & I've never been shy. but she had a tattoo across her back. Not that I have anything against tats (I just never wanted one for myself) but it caused a flashback. JAG has a tat on her back. A fairly big one. & one on her neck, & arm, & stomach & on each calf.

So I went back upstairs & started working on the project again. It wasn't like I was going to go home with her even if I tried. I just didn't feel cool about seeing a pretty young lady with a tat on her back stripping for someone else. & I know it was because I kept thinking of JAG. KP asked me why I didn't stick around & I told him some bullshit so he wouldn’t take offense. I don't like whining to folks about stupid things I'm going through (this blog notwithstanding).

I really pick fucked up things to get sentimental about.

Harrington

2007-01-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

It all starts when I'm 2 months old.

Frankie & Johnny had been having some problems & Frankie went to try to work things out with him. She left me with Jean & Frank & that's where I stayed. I asked her once why she didn't take me with her & she said that every time she tried I'd fight to stay with Jean & Frank. This was true, but not until I was a bit older - say 4 or 5. But that was all the answer I got from her. I asked Johnny once & he said he wanted to but every time he mentioned it Frankie just said, "no; he's fine with mama & daddy".

So my grandparents became my parents, which created a very odd family dynamic. I didn't really view Frankie & Maria as my mother an aunt - it was more like two older sisters. Well kinda. But it never really bothered me; Jean & Frank were great. They gave me all the love & security that anyone could need & I always reasoned that it worked out better for me & for them.

Of course this situation did create problems. Frankie & I had a very stoic relationship. She wasn't the most emotionally expressive person to begin with. When we'd talk she'd either be neutral or angry. So I picked up on that & did her one better - I was either neutral or a smart ass.

By the time I was 13 frank was starting to decline. So I ended up quitting school when I turned 16 in part to take care of him but also in part to pursue the music career I was starting. By the time I was 17 I was doing CNA type work on him - changing compression stockings, administering meds, cleaning him up, etc... I would carry him to Maria's car whenever he had a doctor's appointment. One of the last times I did this I was greatly worried that he wasn't going to come home. I told him I loved him like I had a few dozen times before that year & he looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes & said, "I love you too Michael". To this day it's the level of sincerity that I use to judge all others.

He died when I was 18. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed but they told me he went peacefully. He just stopped breathing. He didn't talk much to begin with & hadn't said anything for several hours that day when he asked Maria & Frankie if I had any good pants to wear to his funeral. They told him I did & that was the last he spoke. A few hours later he passed.

Jean went to live with Maria & she did okay for a while. But she started to decline when I was getting near 21. I tried to go there & tend to her as i did Frank but I don't think I did as much for her as I could or should have. She went into a nursing home that October & in November she passed.

Before she started getting too sick I took her to KFC one day. She loved their mashed potatoes. I talked with her & told her I was real sorry about all the arguing & fussing I had done with her as I was growing up. She just looked out the window & said, "I don't remember any of that". So from her in her last days I learned about forgiveness towards those you care for.

When she passed I was on my own. I started to feel the loss of the security they had provided for me. I didn't speak to anyone in the family for months after her funeral.

Frank & I were arguing once & he told me to stand over his grave & make sure he was buried. I forget the context - it very well could have been a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" type thing but I took it literally. Jean said something similar so with both of them I stood over their graves & made sure the dirt was poured on them. With Frank it was a pleasant day weather-wise. With Jean it was raining. I stayed for both of them because it was the last thing I felt I could do for them in this world - keeping a promise that probably wasn't meant to be kept in the first place.

Anyway I've been on my own ever since. I never went back to college after Jean passed, instead gigging as much as I could. Before too long I was doing it as a career. I did so until I moved halfway across the country, then I just stopped. Since then I've mainly been delivering pizzas for a living.

& I started writing. It doesn't pay a damn thing but I've spent a great deal of time writing, first in chat rooms (where I learned how to type) then in forums & finally on blogs.

& that's where I am today career wise. I'm delivering pizzas & writing on two blogs - one about a specific field & the other is this one, which is mainly my musing & whining about life. There's more to tell about me than what I've written so far but I'll save that for another post. This is just the background to give you an idea of where I come from - or more precisely how I became who I was & might still be.

Elton Was Right

2007-01-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever.
Between you & me I can honestly say that things can only get better."

Ayup. Things can't get much worse. We're not speaking to each other at all. I've been avoiding Yahoo Messenger because it bugs me when I see her on & know we ain't going to IM each other. Hell I've been avoiding being at home when I think she's going to be online. If I get out of work at 11:30 p.m. I fuck around for a while then come home & turn on a movie till at least 1 or sometimes 2 a.m.

Today was 3 months since I've seen her. In a few days it'll be 3 months since we've communicated in real time. & in a few weeks it'll be 3 months since we've fallen out.

I checked out her MySpace page once in mid November but not since. I checked out her yahoo personals profile a few times but by early December I stopped hitting yahoo Personals at all. I tore down my page anyway. It got to me that she'd always come up in the top 5 of my searches. Usually as a "5 heart match". Not sure if it's ironic but it did sting a bit. I figure if she wants me to know about her life she'll call. If she doesn't - well I'm not a stalker, or a spy. Besides, no point in looking in on her. If she needed anything from me she'd be in touch wouldn't she? Or maybe her sister would actually get in touch in her stead if JAG's need was great. In any case I'm not up to reading about how cool her life is going w/o me in it. Petty maybe but we all have pettiness about us in some things. & it’s not that I don't wish her happiness, I just don't want to be a spectator if I'm not directly involved.

3 months & not a word from her. Maybe that's just the way life is, but I thought she & I had a deeper connection than that. Deep enough that if we did stop speaking it'd have been on better terms.

Something I dwell on more than I should is that I'm pretty sure she still checks out my site. My other site, the one where I'm anonymous & I don't talk about my personal life. & it's cool if she gets any enjoyment out of my scribbling but I do wonder why the hell she's hanging on to me that way. Does she actually care but just think things are too messed up to contact me at the moment? Does she feel guilty & just want to make sure I'm alive & pissed about politics? Or is she hoping to see some kind of sign from my site that she'll take as meaning it's cool to completely abandon me or to get back in touch again?

I could always ask her but A: that'd mean I'd have to approach her & B: that might make her stop dropping by.

The first is my pride. Yeah I know, goeth before a fall & all that. But man has to have some pride about his life doesn't he? Even if it's not especially a cool kind of pride, some is better than none right?

The second - as fucked up as I am I never wished harm on anyone I cared for despite their actions towards me. & even more than that I honestly want those I care for to be happy. If her reading my site brings her some kind of comfort or security or peace or happiness then I would not take that away from her.

Though I have noticed in some post over there I write as if she's my target (& perhaps sole) audience). The latter might not be too far from the truth; I get about 250 hits a day but a lot of those are search engine results leading folks to me. Any readers are better than no readers but that'd mean less than half of my traffic is deliberate. & of those that do come to me on purpose I have no idea how many are daily readers or weekly readers.

I'm just sure she hits me 4 or 5 times a week. Hell she even left a comment on another site I pointed to the other day. I recognized the way she typed, the way she phrased. Which is fucked up because that's part of why I care for her - her mind & the way she thinks. Not that she's not fine as hell – she is, but that wouldn't matter to me in her case.

So 3 months have gone by. Will it be 3 more? Or 3 more years? Or will she pull her head out of her ass only to find that I've passed on? It's not like odds are in favor of me reaching retirement age or anything. Maybe I tend to be dramatic about my own mortality but genetics & my habits are not in my favor.

In any case i am thinking of her, fondly & aggravatedly. We could have had so much fun since then, & maybe arrived at something cooler than we had. But her actions & my pride fucked that up. For the time being & perhaps eternally.

Still I'm thinking of her when I should be 2 or 3 flings distant by now. Out of all my faults, & there are many to choose from, she shouldn't ever think not caring or feeling some sort of devotion is one of them.

3 months really isn't that long, unless you miss someone deeply then it's an eternity. (yeah that was a bit dramatic but it flowed nicely as a phrase don't you think?) I'm hoping that it won't be another 3 months, or that in October of 2007 I'm able to send her an "anti-versary" e-mail like I did last July. But hoping won't accomplish much. She knows I'd like to talk & she knows I won't instigate contact. Her court, her decision, etc...

Things can only get better. Not that they will but from the ground the only direction left to go is up.

Work Related Bitching

2007-01-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

I really don't like my job. It's not the job itself it's the bullshit involved.

I deliver pizzas. I've been doing it full time for the past 5 years or so. The work itself ain't bad as long as you don't have something else you could be doing. I do or did & it kind of gets to me at times.

The cooks play the radio too fucking loud. I keep cutting it down & they keep cutting it back up when I leave. When I'm trying to take an order it's a pain in the ass. But even when I'm not I really don't want to hear music.

I snapped at FB the other day - well not snapped but he's kind of introverted so that's how he took it. I turned the radio down & he asked why I did that so I said, "If I wanted to listen to music while I worked I'd be a fucking musician wouldn't I?" which I think sums up my discontent at the office.

But then again I haven't made any efforts since November to be a musician. Hell I haven't even picked up my guitar since November 4th. Not something I'm particularly proud of but I haven't felt the motivation. The phrase "what's the fucking point?" comes to mind every time I look at my axe.

Still it bugs me because while it being honest work it's not what I trained for or spent so many fucking years to be. I didn't miss Friday night dates to learn how to deliver fucking pizzas. Nor did I let relationships that may have been cool slide because I had to take some their fucking pie.

& when there's 3 fucking feet of snow on the ground & it's 10 damn degrees you'd think people would tip wouldn't you?

But it's aggravating. I still don't talk a work unless I have to. It's a shame because J (the driver) & I usually had some good chats, ditto for FB & I think they both think it's something against them. It's not but how do I tell them "I dig talking to you but right now I don't want to talk to anyone while I'm at this fucking place?” Well there's just telling them that but it's easier for me to just keep my mouth shut.

So I dislike my job but I'm not looking for anything else. I keep thinking of moving but I don't think I will. Not just yet anyway. No idea why. Maybe I'm hanging on to the idea that things will work out with JAG somehow? Not likely but possible. I think it's more that I lack motivation.

For a long time I did things for myself. But ever since my grandparents passed I wondered what would motivate me since I didn't have anyone to take care of. I started tending to them when I was 13. By the time I was 17 I was doing the work of a CNA with my grandfather. Anyway they passed & I had no one to care for in the physical sense. I got on with things though I admit it was a shaky start. But I had school then gigs & they kind of added a momentum. When I got out here & lost my axe I chilled. & I got used to that I guess.

Then came KS & I did take care of her in some ways. So when she bailed on me - actually I took care of her long after that - I was on my own again. & JAG - she didn't need me as much as KS did but that's what I thought was beautiful about "us". She wanted me around but wasn't co-dependent.

When she abandoned me I kind of kept going. I had Frankie to worry about I guess even though I couldn't do much for her directly.

In any case I don't have anyone to live for or care for. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't see the reason for putting forth any more effort than I have to if it's just going to be for my fucking self.

Call it some sort of external validation issue if you want, but I need someone that cares as a motivator. When I have that in my life or at least the potential for that I'm fine. Hell I can do great & wondrous things. But minus that - when I'm looking at growing fucking old all by me onesies then I just can't get fired up about things. Life kicks me & I stay down, perhaps take a nap.

& no; that's probably not the healthiest way to look at things but that is what I think I do. I'm a man & I handle things but why go through the hassle of moving when I can be alone & unsatisfied at work right here?

Maybe this will pass. I can't recall ever feeling quite this way before, though I recall shades of it here & there. Some stronger some weaker just never quite the same mix as I'm feeling now.

The bitch is that it's not cool for me to go out & just find someone to latch onto. I have t think that A: they care & B: they're worthy of my caring. Unfortunately right now JAG is the only candidate & - well things have been better between us.

So that's what aggravates me about work. The other stuff - well it's a bullshit job & I know it's a bullshit job & I'm used to dealing with that kind of bullshit. The little things & big things aren't a real hassle to deal with - just minor aggravations. It's why I'm still dealing with it that makes the job so dreaded at times.

There's a brightside though; only 28 more years & I can retire. :)

Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales

2007-01-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

Well really it's just the one tale but it has multiple parts. I'll start with the most recent component:

I was going to go to an open jam on JAG's b-day. I had told her (albeit discreetly & cryptically & with no certainty that she got the message) that I'd be there & if she liked I'd play for her. It was a decent bar with a good band hosting the jam. It's mainly a blues jam but I grew up playing blues & it was probably going to be a cool thing. Besides I'd gotten them to do some light jazz before so if I got tired of I-IV-V's I could fall back on some Herbie Hancock or something. I got there around 10 p.m. & noticed they'd closed due to the weather. I was bummed not just because it was going to be the first time I played anything in a month & a half but because I might have been able to make JAG's b-day a little happier. That was probably the last kick while I was already on the ground but the story won't make sense until you know what went on before...

I had an audition on November 2nd. It was for a heavy old school dance band. Earth, Wind & Fire; Chaka; Prince; Kool & the Gang; etc. The cash was right & so was the calendar (it was full & I like to work as much as possible when I'm gigging). They sent me a list of about 50 tunes & without doing any practice at all I knew about 30 of them. This wasn't right up my alley; it was that little crook in the side wall of my alley. I'd been playing this stuff since some of it was top 40. & of all the styles I play this is one which I do really well at. If it's not my best then it's tied with whatever is. I played my first heavy dance band in 1989 & - well I'm getting off topic.

So they were impressed that I already knew enough tunes to get through an entire show from jump street (that's old school southern jive for "right off the bat"). The first tune we did was Kiss by Prince. This is one of the tunes I'm at my funkiest on. They were impressed. We went on to Smooth by Santana. i had taught a show band I was in how to play the damn song a few weeks after it came out - I even charted it out for them (including horn parts) so I was solid on that. The bass player kept leaning over my amp during the bridge. The second time around he looked up & grinned at the singer & said "this little scraggly motherfucker's got the right chords!". I knew I was in.

We did Brick House by the Commodores, Chameleon by Herbie Hancock & finished things up with Ain't Nobody by Chaka (a tune I do deeply dig - so much that I haven't listened to it again until tonight). I was doing a blend of the keyboard & guitar parts (since their board player couldn't make it) & again that impressed them. They dug the way I played & I didn't have any doubts that I had the gig.

I don't usually brag about things or even mention shit like that before it's solid - solid meaning I have a date on the calendar - but I called JAG on the 3rd to tell her about it cause I was psyched - she'd be seeing me really play soon & that meant something to me, almost as much as me getting to really play for anyone. I got her machine. I didn't mention anything about it in the message I left & she never called back so I can't say I jinxed myself on this one.

I went to see them play that night (the 3rd) & they were tight except their guitar player really didn't suit them. He was good but not style appropriate to what they were doing. Again I thought I was in. They said they'd holler at me when I left.

I waited a week & called them. I got the machine & haven't heard from them since.

That's the music biz. Musicians are the flightiest bunch of motherfuckers to ever feign an aptitude for business.

Since I've been out here I've had 3 gigs. All within a month back in 2003. All the other offers I've gotten the money hasn't been right. I'll take $90 per night but I like to see $100. They were talking $50 to $70. I can make more than that at entry level fast food. I didn't train as much as some fucking doctors do to make that kind of cash. So I don't play below scale.

I've done 1 benefit since I've been here. Back home I'd usually do 2 or 3 a year. One of the coolest I did was an elderly care facility where a guy who ran a band I was gigging in part time had his mother at. The other was another elderly care facility a friend from the open jams played once a week. The sincerity of their appreciation to hear live music was something I've never forgotten, & I've never been shy about doing charity work. I get more out of it than I do from most paying gigs.

But they ain't no charity in a bar. Not when a cover is being charged & whisky costs money. So if I don't get paid right I don't gig.

But the flightiness of musicians:

In 2000 I was playing with these guys - a showband doing old Beach tunes. They wanted me to play for free not just at some fucked up awards show but at a gig in a bar the night before. I registered my objections & they said if I didn't play I was gone. I swallowed my pride & played the gig. I had a bad as hell cold too, but I drove there (4 hour drive), got a room at my own fucking expense & made the gig (thanks to Theraflu tablets). They said not to sweat the awards thing cause it was lip synched anyway (another reason I didn't want to do the damn thing - I've never faked it in my whole fucking career). The sound man gave me a heads up that night that I was gone. A few days later I got a conference call from the owners of the band & I was out. This was in late November so no X-mas gigs for me. No notice outside of the sound guys discreet warning. I'd given at least two weeks notice with every band I've ever played with. Being fired outright with no notice fucked me up for a few months. I ended up leaving the state that spring but not as prepared financially as I would have liked. Sudden unemployment does that to you.

In March of 2000 I had a gig booked. Just a duo with this singer I had been working with, but it was for a fairly well connected agent. We do a decent job & he had an assload of work for us. I knew the hotel we were playing & things were looking up. The singer called me & told me he had car trouble & couldn't make it. I offered to send a cab for him but he declined. I suggested a few other solutions so he could make the gig but he just wanted to go home. I ended up not getting work in that town again for months because of having to cancel on such short notice, but I don't sing & truthfully was counting on the singer for a ride anyway.

In January of 2000 I was doing some theater work - mainly filling in for this guitarist who had another band. I showed up one night to do the gig & the band director met me outside, asked if I got their call & told me I was gone. I asked why & they said they double booked guitar players to fill in for the main guy. I talked my way into a $50 severance (that's after he pulled a fuckin' Glock on me which is another story all by its damn self – he could have at least used a real pistol) but the gig would have paid $100 as would the other half dozen gigs I had booked there. That was a blow.

In the fall of '99 I was putting together bands to play mainly short notice gigs at this bar. After about a month of being the resident guitarist they started to book me in advance. I had this tight little 4 piece blues thing booked one weekend. it was a long weekend as Halloween fell on that Sunday. Come Sunday the bar owner is there (I had been dealing with the bartender who managed the club) & she told me that they'd double booked & since we'd played two nights they were going to let the other guys play that night. The bartender was pissed because this effected her reputation & I was livid because I didn't see how the bar owner's mistake should effect our contract. In the end I talked her into paying me 3/4's of what we would have made & I paid the band what they would have made. Not a severe blow but I had counted on 3 nights of work & only got paid for 2 with rent coming up.

In the spring of '99 I was working a pool gig with this trio. Me, a phenomenal bass player, singer/sax player & a drum machine (I'm not proud of it but a pool gig is a pool gig). I spent hours getting the right patterns for the drum machine & I was controlling it for the first few weeks (until the bass player wanted to play with it). The singer/sax player was an alright guy as long as you weren't doing business with him. For some reason he didn't care for me. Anyway he was mediocre at best & his timing was always off. No biggie except he blamed me for it (& I checked with the bass player who was a better musician than I was & he agreed that my timing was solid; it was the singer/sax player's that was off). That was even cool until he told me he was going to knock my pay down from $90 a day to $75 till I fixed my timing problems. I told him I needed a two weeks notice before he touched my pay & he agreed so I immediately put in my two weeks notice. I wasn't going to play that far below scale for a fucking pool gig. But because of his being an ass (he gave an unsolicited bad recommendation of me to a band I was talking to a few weeks later) I didn't have a meaningful gig for the rest of the summer. I hadn't looked because I had something sown up & by the time I was looking at a two week notice everything had been taken except the one band that he talked into turning me down.

In early '99 I had the same house gig I had a few months before. Thing about house gigs is they're cool while they last but if you don't get a month's notice then you're out of work as most bars book at least a month in advance. We played Wednesday through Saturday. One Saturday the bar owner walked in & told us we were out & had to have our equipment out of the club by that Tuesday. We ended up not working for about 6 weeks.

In late '98 I was living with GAvO. I had a house gig 4 nights a week & things were alright. I got a phone call from a cruise ship band. They wanted me to do a few months with them. The cash was right & everything sounded cool. I should note that when they called the first question they asked me wasn't about how I played or how I worked. They said, "are you cute?". Of course I lied my ass off - hell yeah I'm cute. :)

Anyway the plan was GAvO would move into a one bedroom place & I'd store my stuff with her, hitting her couch a few weeks out of the year. I sold my car, gave notice with my band & was two weeks away from jumping a bus to Miami. The night I gave my notice they called & asked if I could sing Sinatra. I said nope. They said that they had a change in venue & didn't need a guitar player anymore but needed someone who could sing Sinatra & since I couldn't then the offer was withdrawn.

Needless to say that fucked me up in more ways than one. None of them pleasantly.

In early ‘98 I was playing with this guy mainly doing duo work. I knew the manager at a hotel where he was playing & talked them into expanding their Sunday budget so I could do the gig with him instead of him just doing a solo act. I knew what the cash was; he was getting $150 as a single. They gave him $300 to make it a double. At the end of he first gig I'm expecting $150. I got $100. He reasoned since he owned the PA he should get more. Turns out he'd been doing that to me with every fucking gig we played. A few weeks after that he gave me a two week notice that I was out, which was decent of him. It should have been expected but considering how other musicians are it was a cool thing amidst an uncool thing. But still it left me gigless for a while.

In '96 I was playing for this guy on salary. I was thinking of moving to L.A. to hang w/ my girl SD but wanted to save some cash before hitting Cali. Well things were going alright till July & August, when we lost two weeks of work to hurricanes & another couple of weeks the band leader told us that we "didn't make salary". Didn't make salary? I think the concept of salary escaped him but nevertheless we were out cash. About a month's pay in all & that was a hit that I couldn't just get over very quickly. Cali was out by that point anyway.

In ‘96 earlier in the year I'd busted my ass to get my passport. Why? The guys I was playing with had some connections & a mini-tour of Israel was planned. It fell through.

In ‘95 I drove 4 hours to audition at a resort. My whole band did actually. We thought we had things sown up & were getting ready to move. 2 weeks before we were supposed to start playing (& two weeks after we'd given notice where we lived, etc...) the band director called us over to his place. He was in tears cause he got a call early that morning saying the deal was off.

Again fucked up plans.

I could go on but it'd not be too different in direction than what I've laid out so far. Looking back I can't say the music biz has been great to me. I've had some really cool gigs & played some really nice places with some really hot bands & seen appreciation from my audience. & the traveling was cool (when it wasn't a curse). But I've been doing this bullshit since I was 15. I've played for people & ran my own bands. It takes some motivation to brave the bullshit that the music biz entails & after the last bit of professional rejection I just can't say I have that motivation. I might get it back one day but for now I'm - well I'm not cool with not playing, but I'm more than cool with not dealing with musicians.

Still I miss the playing so I know it'll just be a matter of time before I succumb to the temptation to give it another try. I don't know if that makes me admirably persistent or pitifully foolish. Maybe musicians have to be both? & maybe one day I'll be a musician again. Just not today.

Angel

2007-01-05T04:21:00.000-07:00

Sarah Mclachlan. Here's the vid set to a slideshow about those fallen in battle.

I miss Frankie. On my b-day was about the only time I could expect her to call. She’d call randomly throughout the year but most of the time it was her getting Danny to call then once I was on the line she'd talk to me. But on my b-day she'd call direct.
That's another reason why I needed to hear from JAG on my b-day, but it seems she wasn't there for me.

You know I still miss my friggin' grandparents. It’s not an everyday thing but when they pass through my mind I feel the little "ache" that's left from the big ache I had right after they respectively passed. He's been gone almost 17 years & she's been gone just over 14.

This is why I don't have a cat of my own. When I care I tend to care deeply & when the loss hits it's - well you probably know. I get attached to cats. It’s not as bad as humans but it’s bad enough.

& I like cats damn it. KS's cats were probably my best pals for a long time. & JAG's cat - we never spent a whole lot of time together but I liked the furry little leg scratcher. When I saw JAG's cat for the first time in about a year & a half she comes running up to me meowing loud & rubbing on my shin. JAG told me she only does that when the cat is mad at her for being gone too long. At the time I thought it was cool & might just give JAG an intellectual reason to let me be in her life & her be in mine. Maybe I just do better with cats than people.

But Frankie - we were never really close. Not like a mother & son should be. That was as much my fault as hers I reckon. But still I knew the woman my whole life. Actually a little bit longer than that. I never looked to her for comfort or reassurance because she'd likely as not denied it if I'd have asked but there was a comfort in talking to her. Even when she was chewing me out over something she thought I'd done wrong. Or maybe that on reflection her absence makes me miss the arguments? I dunno.

My problems with JAG weren't due to Frankie's passing. But the way Frankie & I were when she was alive had something to do with it. Or more precisely the things I learned from Frankie effected how I dealt with JAG & everyone else before her. Not in such a way to directly cause anything to end, but enough to influence things for the worse at times.

JAG could have helped me through it though; not the directness of Frankie's passing, but the indirectness of the way Frankie & I lived. I just needed someone to care; to show it; to demonstrate that they weren't going to bail & they'd give me a little emotional support if I needed it. Maybe I'll write more about that later when I'm not so tired & bummed.

I hate missing people; especially ones I care for. The only bright side is with JAG there's still a chance at reconciliation. Not a great one but as long as she & I are alive then in theory we could talk about things. The rift Frankie & I had can't ever be repaired because she's gone.

I miss them both. For different reasons & in different ways but the basic sense of loss is still there. I'll get used to it over time but right now it hurts.

I'm going to go try to sleep it off, maybe at least dream about the people & felines I can't touch anymore, but who still touch me.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

2007-01-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have 3 beers in my fridge. I don't drink beer. Never have.

I bought them on November 3rd. They're a Russian import called Baltica. I bought them for her for my b-day.

I screwed around a little that day. I went shooting which I hadn't done in forever, then drove around the mountains for a spell & headed back home. I stopped by Joe's Crab Shack & blew I forget how much on a to-go order. I bought enough for two.

I never ate it. The beers still sit in my fridge, as does the coffee I bought in September (I don’t' drink coffee either).

At 10 p.m. I opened the doors to air out the place. After freezing my ass off for 30 minutes I closed the house tight & cranked the heat way up. I lit candles & lamps & had the music engine on something chill.

I had invited her over & thought i stressed that it was real important to me. I'd talked with her before about how my b-day was something important to me. Since I never heard back from her I assumed we were on.

She had a clinical (she's a nursing student) & wouldn't be out till about 11:30p.m. By 12:30 a.m. I called her & left a brief message. By 1 a.m. I called again I left a slightly longer one that was a tad distraught. By 3 a.m. I was tore up.

She wrote the next day saying I expected too much from her & that she was only a friend & that she thought I was crazy for thinking she could have made it. She went on to list all the things she had going on (mostly school related) & how stressed she was & as an after thought mentioned that maybe she should have told me she didn't plan on coming.

I didn't reply. What the fuck could I say? It was obvious she didn't give a damn, even as a friend.

To be fair I wouldn't have been happy but if she'd have just fucking called to wish me a happy b-day I would have been in better shape. If she could have made it over for 15 minutes that's all I'd have needed. It wasn’t about getting laid - it was just about knowing someone I cared about cared fucking back - cared enough to put forth a little effort on my b-day.

Hell I went out of my way for her on hers & would have gone further - & she was dating someone else at the time.

If she couldn't have made it over she could have invited me over there. Again only 15 minutes or so would have been cool enough. & if for some fucked up unconceivable reason she couldn't have made it she could have at least called - not to tell me she wasn't coming but just to say, "hey - i can't make it & I know that disappoints you but I'm thinking fondly of you & want you to have fun. happy b-day & sometime next week I'll try to make some time to see you & we'll celebrate it then". It'd have taken all of 5 minutes to call & say that.

That's what fucked me up; the girl I thought cared acted like she didn't. It's still hard to imagine that she doesn't but what other conclusion can I come to, or at least act upon?

But I haven't acted upon it. I haven't slept with anyone but her since early August - when she came around again. I turned down 3 women from August till late October. That'd be cool & all but I haven't seen her since October 20th. I've turned down a couple since then. I tried getting back into the game & for about two weeks I was hitting the dating sites & going about my usual routine, but when I came close to meeting someone I backed off.

I just don't want anyone but her. It's not the way she looks or the way she fucks or any of that - it's just something about her. I love her mind; the way she thinks & talks & doesn't talk & types. The way she moves& the way she... you get the idea. Physically she's beautiful but she could gain 100 pounds & be disfigured & I'd still feel the same about her. & I don't know why - it's all out of proportion to the sum of her parts, but that's just the way it is.

Even after she dissed me on my b-day I still care for her & want to work things out somehow. Not that I see much hope in that, but I'm just not moving on yet. I should be 2 or 3 flings past her by now but I'm just not motivated. About anything really. I work, come home & write a little & eat. That's about it. & I talk to myself a lot, but not too many real people hear my voice these days. At work they're used to it by now. If I speak it's because it's absolutely necessary. I admit it freaked them out at first but I think they either understand or don't let it bother them anymore as long as I do my job.

My fucking job. That's another rant.

But that's the event that caused me to stumble. A little girl disregarded me & now I'm disregarding myself.

I mean hell I lived with KS for years - dated her longer than all the other women in my life combined & she cared, but she never really loved me. With JAG I felt more caring slip from her than I'd felt from anyone in ages. I'd have bet money that she loved me on some basic level. She cared as a friend & was attracted to me. Mingled with some sort of respect or admiration & that's my simplest definition of love.

But if KS couldn't love me after years of knowing me, & JAG couldn't give a damn about me after us knowing each other so intimately, then who the fuck can?

I dunno. I know why I'm taking all this so hard & it has a lot to do with some baggage I didn’t realize I had but knowing why something happened isn’t much of a consolation if you can't act to correct things.

& ya know I never wanted anything more than for JAG & I to have a chance. I didn't think anything was set in stone or it was guaranteed to work, I just thought if we both tried it was worth seeing what happened. It hurts that I've lost her, not just cause I cared for her as a friend or lover or potential g/f, but because I cared for her.

& I have a whole week off of work to dwell on this like I know I will. I needed a vacation anyway but I still see it as wasted time - time she & I could spend having fun. I guess that's the downside of being a romantic. Or being sentimental. Or being semi-mental.

If you've made it this far through my whining you deserve a treat. Here's the Elton John vid. & yes; things can only get better, but that's no consolation for losing her like this. Or for losing myself.

Tunes

2007-01-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

It's tricky to listen to music. When I'm doing a post I'll have the one song I'm focusing on playing over & over again. Other than that I've been avoiding tunes. At work I try to keep the radio turned down. In the car I had it on the "all Christmas all the time" station. For some reason the X-mas tunes were fairly harmless. But now the station has reverted back to its pre-X-mas format. At least I have the week off from work to get used to not having the X-mas station to rely on (I usually take the first week of January off whether I need to or not).

I love music. I'm constantly in & out of love with it but I love it. But I just can't deal with listening to it for some reason. Maybe it was always some sort of emotional crutch for me & I just don't want to lean on it right now. Or maybe I'm just getting grumpy in my old age.

There are a very few people out of a few million who don't dig music at all. An even smaller number gets some sort of discomfort from it. The rest of folks like it to some degree or another. I made my life of it for a very long time, so it's kind of ironic that now I'm denying that to myself.

I'll snap out of it at some point. I love music too much to abandon it forever. But for now the tunes are at a minimum around the house & car.

Same Old Lang Syne

2006-12-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a vid of the Dan Fogelberg tune. It's sad but pretty.

Nothing from her, not that I expected to hear from her, but I still foolishly cling on to some hope.

From Dec 22nd till tonight I have only had Christmas off. On my days off they'd call me in cause I'm the only idiot that will consistently deliver in the snow. & granted it's fun cruising through the neighborhoods. Kind of like 4 wheeling with white mud.

The bigoted little misogynistic punk I ranted about a while back isn't there anymore so that's a plus. I'll explain some other time what happened.

New Years Eve hits me about as hard as my b-day when I'm alone. It sucks when there's no one to care for but it's worse when there is & she's not around. I'm not sure if we could reconcile - I mean it's possible if she wants to & I want to. The big question is if she'd ever want to & I'm not optimistic about her desiring me in her life in any capacity. I doubt she's had trouble moving on. Hell I doubt she'd even consider me anyone to have to move on from. She'd be quick to point out that we didn't have a commitment & we were just friends. The first part is true but not the latter; we were lovers in addition to friends. But I doubt arguing with her about definitions would do much good.

Funny, in 2006 I slept with 3 women; all of them having first names that begin with J. I could have slept with a 4th girl whose name started with J but I held back. Nothing against the other J's - they were are very sweet & beautiful & cool - but there's only one J I want & I'm afraid I don't even care to explore the other letters of the alphabet.

Maybe she'll be in touch before she goes back to school...

That Wasn't Good

2006-12-30T23:58:00.000-07:00

Coming down some steps I hit some ice. I didn't fall but in the process of contorting myself I pulled a muscle in my back. Fortunately it only hurts when I move. Unfortunately breathing is moving. But I have a week off to recover so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Winter wonderland has its disadvantages, but it still beats 100 degree temps for months at a time with matching humidity. I'll be okay in a day or so but damn if a back rub wouldn't be nice right about now.

Another Lonely Christmas

2006-12-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

A Prince tune. perhaps one of his most fucked up. He sings of his lover who's passed on & how he misses her especially around Christmas. My situation isn't that dire & hopefully will never be but I can dig it. When someone cuts you out of their life it's not that different than someone passing on, except that as long as y'all both are alive there's hope, no matter how slim, for reconciliation.

I'm not into Christmas. I never was even when I was a Christian. But I still get bummed when I'm alone over the holidays. Some kind of social condition I guess.

I almost expected to hear from my ex-g/f KS by now. She called last year but then again things didn't go that well so maybe she opted to skip it this time around. Just as well, she's been "done" with me for a while & - well if I thought she had really cared I don't think she'd be an ex.

Tonight is the first night I've had off since the blizzard. Not that long a work week since the store was closed for 2 days but still... For some reason the guys in 4x4's can't get out of their drive ways so they call me to come in with my 19 year old Honda. I get around fine. I've been stuck a time or two but no more than 10 minutes of effort gets me out.

I think I'll make lamb tonight. I like Lamb I just hate cooking anything elaborate when I'm the only diner. More social conditioning perhaps.

& still nothing from her.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

2006-12-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

Still haven't heard from her. In my letter I told her I'd be at a bar she knows cause it has an open jam on Thursdays. I went by there around 10 & they were friggin' closed. Not that I think she'd have showed up but...

Anyway here's the letter I posted to her.

Hey Sunshine. I’m not sure if you still read me or if you’ll read this anytime soon, but it’s the way I felt most comfy getting in touch with you. I don’t wish to intrude & I am stubborn & prideful & that’d be cool except that I’m also sentimental – or is that semi-mental? I’d like to tell you I’m going to be brief but we both know me too well to fall for that.

I kept telling myself I shouldn’t but I went out last week & grabbed you a little sum’n sum’n in honor of the occasion. If you’re thinking I’m foolish for having done so I’d agree with you; buying a gift for someone I'm not on speaking terms with isn’t going to get my application at NASA on the fast track. But I’ve always been a sucker where you’re concerned & I can’t imagine completely losing faith in you. I won’t send it as I don’t wish to intrude in any way, but I’ll hang on to it in case we’re cool enough to speak again some day decade. Besides it’s nothing that will spoil & it’s not like you’ve watched a certain DVD from last year yet. So I figure that in a few months or years or decades we’ll both pull our heads out of our respective asses (cause you damn well know you can be almost as stubborn as I am) & I’ll give it to you then. But if it comes down to it I’ll tuck a note in my will about a small bag in the closet. :) See? Even at my darkest & heaviest there’s a streak of optimism. Or maybe it’s just that soft spot for you weakening my pessimism. Course I’m doing it all for the cat – just so you know. ;) Besides, a very wise man once told me that in most things “possible” or “impossible” is dependent not on our capabilities, but our desires. So I beg your pardon for my little sliver of hope if it makes me seem uncharacteristic (or like the title of a Dostoevsky novel).

& a while back I set the day in question aside. Honestly I just haven't had the heart to pencil anything in since, well you know. The only ambition I have for that day is to possibly go to the bar where you saw a guitar player that you said played like you thought I would. I’m sure you already have plans & I’m not inviting you or anything (though you’d not be unwelcome if my playing for you would make your evening brighter) as I'm not even positive I'll go. I’m just saying that I will be thinking of you fondly if that makes any difference in your world.

I feel like I’m being very rude by not calling or trying to see you in light of this occasion, but under the circumstances my pride won’t let me initiate any sort of contact. & being uncertain of it causing happiness or just making us both feel awkward has something to do with it as well. If you ever wish to get in touch though you know my phone is always on for you, even if it has a silly ring associated with it. :) So excuse the lack of manners I'm displaying by waiting till I hear from you. I mean no offense by it & from my world it seems like the least offensive route to take. (& I'm always right - well except for those countless occassions when I'm wrong.) In any case understand that I want to get in touch but I will not.

Mainly I just wanted you to know that despite our peculiar & unwelcome (to me) circumstances that I wish that today is the happiest of your life, except when you compare it to tomorrow, & the day after, & the day after, etc… But know that you have at least one more person in your life that wishes you as much joy as you can desire on this occassion. The nature of our interactions may be conditional sweetie, but my caring for you never will be. Ditto for the psuedononymous feline.

If it means anything to you, if I may ever be of service, by my presence or absence, then I am at m’lady’s disposal as much as I am able to be. You’re always welcome to get in touch or to not, as you wish. But do pet the kitty for me (whatever her name is this week) as I miss her too. & if vague compliments from a crazy old fool mean anything, you will always be beautiful sweetie, no matter how pretty you are.

Take care,

(Name redacted)

p.s. & watch the vid (of Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone). The song reminds me of you for obvious & not so obvious reasons (which perhaps I'll explain someday in a more private venue), but it’s a good rendition of the tune. You might even like it. (As if - methinks you're gentically programed to dislike any tunes I suggest. lol Fine. Here's Dead Can Dance's The Lotus Eaters set to a cool slideshow for ya. Happy you-know-what sweetie)

Let It Snow

2006-12-20T17:20:00.000-07:00

Great. A few feet of snow fall & my store closes down. Granted it took me over an hour to get out of my parking lot but still... I kinda needed to work. Not for the cash but so I would have something to do, cause I still can't get motivated to do much around the house. Maybe tomorrow...

Kissing A Fool

2006-12-20T03:13:00.000-07:00

I posted a letter to her on my other site. I think she still reads me but I'm not positive & I have no idea why she would. Anyway it was sappy & probably not me at my coolest but hopefully she'll read it & not think too much less of me. Funny isn't it? I'm worried about someone thinking I'm not strong enough when I don't even know if I cross her mind at all.

& I bought her fucking presents? Not that she's not worth it but c'mon - I ain't heard from her since Nov. 5th & that was a mighty cold e-mail. Maybe I am weaker than I should be.

Here's the George Michael tune. To make the vid experience more realistic I can provide the fool at no charge.

Just Saying No

2006-12-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

My head is a little more together but emotionally I still feel less than stellar.

I had a date set for mid-November. The girl seemed nice & attractive & amiable to what I thought i was seeking. We talked late one night & agreed to meet the next evening. When I hung up the phone I started crying. I wasn't quite sure why - just a strange feeling in my gut that was all about her. So I went to sleep figuring it'd wear off. When i got up it was still there. I ended up calling the girl & canceling. I explained what was going on - that I just wasn't ready to move on from the last fling & she seemed understanding. That was better than I was doing because I didn't understand it at all.

I've turned down sex before but usually it was because I was involved with someone. I don't think I've ever passed up an opportunity when I wasn't even on fucking speaking terms with the object of my affection.

The odd thing is the night I was supposed to have that hook up I ran into her online. I had decided to knock out my personals profile & when i logged on that evening guess who the fuck had checked out my profile? What made it worse is that she was between a 4.5 & a 5 "heart" match according to the sites filtering system. She checked it out a few more times before I got the info yanked. The profile is still up but it's barren.

I broke down & wrote her. Told her I'd be willing to talk if she was & to call cause we both hide behind keyboards too damn much. Nada.

I keep wondering if she'll call - partially grateful that she doesn't because about every day I'm understanding things more - kind of like I'll be better to discuss all this tomorrow. But a part of me shrivels up with each day my phone doesn't ring. Maybe by her b-day...

Groaning The Blues

2006-11-29T02:56:00.000-07:00

I'm still kind of stunned but I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what made me tick. I think I have some answers & I can see how I made some serious mistakes but I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it just yet. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to do anything, so I haven't been doing anything, aside from work.

The title is from a Willie Dixon tune that Clapton did a few years back.

"I'm so tired of moaning, trying to groan away my blues.
I'm so tired of moaning, trying to groan away my blues.
I keep weeping and crying every time I think of you."

I suppose that's me for a while - I can't really articulate all that's going on inside my head so I'm just gonna groan for a while.

Here's Clapton doing the tune.

Spooky Kinda Moondance

2006-10-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

I can't recall how many times I've played those songs. I can recall that most of the times I've played them Halloween was approaching. There's just not that many decent Halloween tunes out there.

Spooky was first done by Classics IV in 1967. The version I recall most clearly is from the Atlanta Rhythm Section, which is comprised of some former members of Classics IV. But the Classics IV version is probably the most widely heard outside the South. Here's Classics IV doing it & here's ARS doing it live.

But how many tunes talk about proposing on Halloween? So it was almost destined to replace the few other tunes that had a Halloween connection. Think about it - would you rather hear Spooky or Monster Mash? Case rested.

Moondance is a Van Morrison number & consequently the name of one of his (in my humble opinion) best albums. And It Stoned Me, Into The Mystic, & Crazy Love would have made it a decent piece of vinyl (that's what those big CD's were made of back in the time before dirt) but adding Moondance really set it on the upper shelf. Here's a vid of the tune set to a neat slideshow.

Moondance is a jazzy little tune that can be swung or downplayed. You can take it too far in either direction but you almost have to try. At the heart of it is a really sweet little love song.

"Can I have just one more moondance with you, my love?
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love?"

Corny? Perhaps. But sweet. & most women will forgive corny if it's done in a sweet way (least I think so; if not that would explain all those failed relationships wouldn't it?)

A ton of jazz artists have covered Moondance. Too many to mention them all. But Paul Brown does a very tender, thoughtful version. A fellow name of Michael Buble does a more swinging version but his voice is smooth enough that it works well (plus the band doesn't over-swing it). Here's a vid of it set to a slideshow of Buble.

So if I had had an actual gig in October odds are I'd have done Spooky & Moondance. & honestly that'd have been alright as they're not bad tunes even if you don't care for Halloween. & I don't care for Halloween. Not that I hate it but it just never was a favorite holiday.

The neighborhood I grew up in was fairly rough. Not mid-60's Viet-Nam kinda rough but when I talked to an Army recruiter & he saw my zip code & found out I had never been shot he told me I could skip basic & jump right in as an E-6. On our property tax forms we did have a space for "ammo expenditures".

Back to the point - I grew up with my grandparents & they were getting on up there by the time I was a young teenager. When I was about 13 my grandfather called me into his room & told me to pick up his shotgun. He looked at me & said, "Boy, I'm getting too old & I don't see that good no more. Anyone tries to break in you gonna have to take care of 'em." So I was more or less in charge of security.

When I was 15 I had a gig on Halloween. Not a great gig - in fact that exposed me to the wonderful world of the music biz - we got ripped off. When I got back home my grandmother told me that someone had been beating on the door & threatened to break it down if they didn't give them money. They called the cops & set the hourglass to see how quick the response time was. It really was quicker to call Domino's & ask them to bring a .357 with them. But the miscreants left without doing much more than scaring a couple of old people. Well & really pissing me off. I have a soft spot for old folks & especially those old folks I'm typing about here.

So after that I spent most Halloweens as a teenager staying around the house & making sure no one tried anything unsavory. Luckily it was a fairly boring endeavor.

After my grandparents passed I did some partying on Halloween, but I was in college & we partied damn near every day anyway (least it seemed) so most were parties that just happened to occur on Halloween. We always wondered why everyone dressed funny on some days but didn't think too much of it.

So Halloween was never on my list of "great days of the year". But that doesn't mean I don't like the music. Well, except for Monster Mash.

A Change Gonna Come

2006-10-23T03:11:00.000-06:00

Sam Cooke. An appropriate title & an appropriate song for what I'm going to bitch about tonight. Here's the tune set to an appropriate slideshow.

Where I work there are four folks I don't care for. It's mutual. They'd vote me off the island in the first round & I'd let them. But one in particular is grating as hell. Because of him I thought seriously about getting fired tonight.

He's about 17 or 18. Good looking kid. Kinda scrawny. He's also borderline incompetent at his job, has no sense of personal responsibility & can generally be described as a punk. All that would be bearable except he's a bigot & misogynist.

Twice before he's uttered the "N" word quite loudly & conversationally. So twice before I've explained to him that it's not just an uncool thing for a punk-ass little white kid to be saying, but it could be perilous. A few others have had this chat with him as well.

A few weeks back he casually, in conversation called a young lady who works there a bitch. This particular young lady is one of the few people up there who actually works & I'm quite fond of her. So the boss stepped in front of me as I was heading towards him & the boss more or less cut me off.

Now let me preface this a bit. I'm not a very violent person. I do have a very bad & quick temper, but I've had the temper my whole life & I've worked very hard at controlling it. To tell ya the truth I'm kinda proud of how well I do control it. Most folks who piss me off usually don't realize it & I usually let a lot of things slide. Course being a smart ass takes up some of that slack but that's something else to talk about some other time.

So tonight I hear the little crusty minded punk drop the "N" bomb again. From across a very noisy room. First time I'd heard it from him in a month or more. Hell I thought our last chat about the matter had impressed upon him the importance of not being that disrespectful. But nope.

I actually stopped what I was doing for a moment before I spoke to him. I called his name out across the room & asked him what he said. He repeated the first part then said, "& that word that you don't like so I ain't gonna say it again".

What surprised me was I actually thought about it for a few seconds. Not his response but where to find another source of income. I thought this because it was entirely too tempting to grab his scrawny ass & give him a redneck -to-punk translation of "you done run off at the mouth too much".

I didn't. I restrained myself as I have done in the past But that I thought about it seriously for a second or two gave me pause.

I'm old. I'll be 35 in a few weeks. The kid is about half my age. He's probably got some speed & he's cocky enough that I don't think he's afraid of me. & I'm not a big macho "I'll kick everybody's ass while drinking a beer" type guy. I can count the number of fights I've gotten into on one hand & I generally don't like getting into them. But I can have a mean side & this punk wouldn't be any trouble at all. Worrying about my safety or the outcome of the confrontation didn't stop me.

Maybe it was the moral implication. In theory we're all supposed to be able to say whatever we wish without fear of torture so maybe I felt that it would just be wrong to physically correct the punk for being an idiot. Course back home when I was growing up a fight between two people over words was not uncommon. & it did have some societal value.

Whatever the reason though I doubt I'll lose control & take him to the woodshed. But damn if it ain't a tempting notion. & I don't like that it's a tempting notion.

Again I am not a bad ass of any type. Nor am I a bully (the punk is a few inches taller & probably within a few pounds of my weight). What I am is Southern. The neighborhood I grew up in was mostly black. Most of the bands I've been in I've been the only white guy. Hell some clubs I've played in I've been the only white guy in the room. I've been in places in my life where the bands would ask me to go in & tell them if it seemed safe for black folk. I've had run ins with klansmen & klansmen wannabes (more the latter than the former & nothing like the run ins that occurred in the 50's & 60's). I have one buddy who remembers me as the first (& as far as I know only) white guy he ever had over to his house for dinner (on the phone his wife called to him that "white Mike" was on the line).

I've also had some interesting moments with people who found out I was from the South & assumed I was a klansman. So maybe I'm just a bit culturally sensitive about things. But a punk who isn't even old enough to buy smokes that grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Colorado has no fucking business dropping the "N" word casually. Hell he's probably only seen images of black people.

I'll resolve this tomorrow though. I'm going to have a chat with the big boss & explain how proud I am of my restraint when the punk runs his mouth & how I'm not fond of being proud. I doubt it'll have any repercussions for me even though I know I'm going to phrase it roughly but there is a chance that I could get the axe over this (in a big company anything can happen no matter how nonsensical. Well especially if it's nonsensical.).

Still, this is the 21rst century. It still kind of bugs me that this kind of thing could happen. But then again it doesn't. Human nature hasn't really changed for a few thousand years & I doubt that streak will be broken in the next few hundred years.

But what will change is the punks vocabulary.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

2006-10-21T04:05:00.000-06:00

Deana Carter. Cute song. Here's a vid of it. I won't be talking about it though. It just made for a convenient title.

Ever have a bad day? I mean everything went wrong that could go wrong that you didn't think would or could go wrong. Well welcome to my friggin' decade.

The main thing I wish to bitc, er I mean discuss is the alleged gig last night.

Benefits are always fucked up. The timing is never as planned & there are always problems. If it's for a good cause it's usually bearable & tonight is no exception. Hell, the guy has cancer. When I heard people ask how much time he has left the reply was simply "not much". So I'll put up with some hassle if it helps the guy out.

That does not mean I shan't bitch about it.

The band that fronted the thing was pretty decent. The drummer was a show off in a very entertaining way. At one point he left the kit & was playing tables, beer bottles, shot glasses, etc... all the way around the bar. The stage was crowded as hell though. The drum kit took up the front third of the stage. The guitar player had a Marshall half stack taking up most of the left third (that'd be stage left) & the bass & other guitar players & percussionist had to crowd into the right third.

They took a break & I went for a smoke. I told the guy who asked me to play that I'd be outside & to holler when they needed me. So I was sitting there smoking talking to some girl who just moved up from Texas when I heard the band crank up again. They obviously went ahead & used the other guitar player first. No biggie but I felt slightly slighted that they didn't let me know what was happening. Still, no biggie.

I had some friends come out (thanks y'all) & spent some time chatting with them. They're an older couple & the guy plays guitar. Real damn well I might add. I've seen his band play a few times & this was the first chance he had to return the favor. So I was touched that they made it out, especially since I met them through an ex-g/f.

So the band takes a break. I go up to see what's shaking. The main band is going to play a set by themselves. I'm feeling a little shaky about things but it's still cool. They play & when they take another break I set up my amp. The stage is so crowded I'm standing on the floor in front of the stage & one of the mains (that'd be main speakers). Again no biggie; good cause & all.

We do three tunes before we take another break. I can't even recall what the second & third songs were. The first was Old Time Rock'n'Roll. I remember it so well because A: I used to play in an oldies/50's/doo-wop band that opened the main show with that one & B: cause it was the only solo I got all set. & that was split with the other guitar player.

So we take a break & I'm feeling uneasy about the other guitar player. There's a certain etiquette involved in sharing a stage, especially with someone who plays your instrument. You do a little deferring to the other guy if it's your gig. When I had other guitar players sit in with my bands I always made sure they got to play. Not just hanging in the background trying to scrape out a rhythm from what I left over, but they got to play. But some musicians (especially guitar players) tend to hog all they can. Still it was for a good cause so I was trying to be cool about things.

We got back up & played a few more tunes. Again no solos. I was pretty much trying to find parts that the other guitar player wasn't playing as a rhythm & not soloing at all. Then they introduce me & the percussion player to the audience. Now keep in mind I'm having trouble hearing what tunes they're calling out cause the guitar player is doing the calling from the other side of the stage & ain't bothering to clue me in. No biggie as I catch on quick, but I must not have heard them say they were going the rest of it alone. The guitar player then finally decides to pay me some attention. He does so by saying quite loudly while looking directly at me "Don't accompany us. We know this one."

So I put down my guitar & went outside to have a smoke. It's bad manners where I come from to tear down your gear while the other guys are playing. So I chill. I make a mental note that though it won't likely come up in any meaningful way I'll never play with that bloated ass ham sandwich swiping crusty toed omnivorous bastard that's playing a six string cranked up way too loud for the room. But otherwise I chill.

I grab my gear when they're through playing then chat with my buddy & his wife for a few as they're leaving. He at least heard enough of my playing that he wants me to get together with him & show him some jazz stuff (he's a helluva blues player) which flattered me. I figured they couldn't have heard much of anything I was doing through the other person behind an instrument that vaguely resembled mine but apparently they did.

To be fair the guy was an alright guitar player. He was just ill mannered.

After my friends split I made it a point to shake everyone's hand in the band but his. I grabbed my gear & left.

That was pretty much it. Not the worst playing experience I've ever had; unfortunately I've run into some rude bastards on various stages. But it was an unaccustomed low point in my attempts at a career out here.

What makes it worse is that the guy who invited me out is looking to put together a band. I can't say I'm as thrilled at his proposal as I was before tonight. The company he keeps is going to make me question his manners. Don't get me wrong; as long as the cash is right I'll play. Course I know damn well the price I set to play with that guitar player from last night will be nigh on ridiculously high.

& that was the highlight of my day. It started off with a date that was going well for a while but unfortunately ended on a less than pleasant note coupled with another visit from the neighborhood crack ho' (to be fair I have no idea if she's a "ho" or not, but she does seem to be on the rock.). Babygirl wanted to use the phone & ended up hanging out for about 30 minutes (when I was trying to get ready & split for the gig) till her connecti, er friend came to pick her up. & no; I still didn't sleep with her. Actually I feel bad for her & I've kinda always been a soft touch for strays. So I let her use the phone & try to talk her into treating herself better. She claims she agrees with what I tell her but I know it's just bullshit to her. She won't change anytime soon & eventually I'll cut her off (there are pay phones within walking distance) but for now I feel sorry for the girl.

& the date - I can't really discuss it, even here & with anonymity for the other party because I realized afterwards that I have some problems that I have to deal with that have effected her so I have to chat with her about things before I feel cool disclosing anything else. Suffice it to say it wasn't anything horrific it just should have went cooler for both of us cause we're pretty good friends.

So that was my Friday night. It sucked, but at least it sucked for a good cause.

To those of you who didn't make it out I'm really kinda glad you didn't. I'm not mega-egotistical but I always felt that if you get disrespected it should be done in front of as few of your friends as possible.

& no I didn't shave my legs for that. I just wish I wouldn't have worn my good heels.

One last gripe. It was supposed to be a blues gig but they mainly did classic rock stuff. It was alright & all, but not as soothing. So I've got ye olde music engine cranked to my Blues playlist & I'm going just think about times when it felt better to feel bad.

Bed Of Roses

2006-10-19T04:43:00.000-06:00

Jon Bon Jovi always aggravated me. Not sure why but for the longest time he just plain out got on my nerves. I think it was partly cause he wrote so damn well. Cheesy yes, but for the genre he wrote in his style was damn near perfect. Having a potential g/f who asked me if I'd cut my hair like his once didn't help though. Needless to say it didn't work out. Well for me at least. Jovi seems to have done alright.

The tune in question is one of his sappier ballads. But no one is better at writing sappy hard rock/glam rock/pop rock ballads. Here's the vid.

"Sitting here wasted & wounded at this old piano
trying hard to capture the moment - this morning I don't know
Cause a bottle of vodka is still lodged in my head
& some blonde gave me nightmares - I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead"

The song is about a guy in a band on the road who despite having female company misses someone very badly. It's not as uncommon as you think. Or as common as you think.

When I was on the road I knew a lot of musicians who really cared for their mates but would sleep around. Sometimes the women at home knew what was going on, sometimes they didn't. Personally I never played around while I was obligated but I damn well understood the temptations. (Temptations sing - oh, sorry - Rick James flashback). I also knew quite a few who didn't sleep around. Those were the ones I trusted with bail money. Not that I ever needed it (except that once but I promise I never saw that Llama before in my life) but ya never know.

But all musicians, even humble modest ones such as myself, have dreams of fame. The line about dreaming of movies they won't make of him when he's dead - that resonates with most of us whether we admit it or not. His acceptance that it's not going to happen hits us too cause eventually we realize that there won't be a movie about us when we die. Besides, movies about most musicians would be lucky to get an "XXX" rating. Still, we dream.

The second verse contains one of my most favorite cheesy ass lines that I've ever heard sung out loud - including all the country I've listened to.

"with an iron clad fist I wake up & French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps its own beat in my head while we're talking
about all of the things I long to believe about love, the truth, what you mean to me
& the truth is baby - you're all that I need"

You don't know how many times I've been hung over, put on a metallic glove & tried to french kiss the morning. I've found that the morning much prefers a simple peck on the cheek & perhaps a light hug.

But again I can relate - at least partially. There are a lot of things I wanted desperately to believe when I was younger & in some cases would still like to believe. & some of those things concern love & the truth. But the world is a very cold place that makes belief in some notions more difficult than it should be. Still musicians being the emotional lot we are tend to cling to those beliefs despite great obstacles, like reality. Hence the hangovers.

The chorus:

"I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
for tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses"

Yes; it's cheesy as hell. But emotions are cheesy things in general. Deep ones especially so. It's really hard to be cool when you're being honest about how you feel if you feel deeply about someone. Try it & if I'm wrong give me pointers.

He's saying in a poetic fashion that even though he's "gettin' some" it’s torture for him because he'd much rather be with someone else. He just wants to be as close to her as possible physically & spiritually. It's the separation that causes his pain despite trying to distract himself with nightmare causing blondes (which are generally fun at parties & sometimes after parties as well). Call him a dog if you will & you're probably right, but dogs have feelings too ya know. (bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay - sorry - P-funk flashback)

To the bridge:

"Well there's hotel bars, hangover, whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked & she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah but I laughed so hard I think I died"

It happens. The bartender looks cute but then her wig slips a bit...

It's the repetition of the life that I think he's talking - er, singing about. After the first year or so it becomes much less exciting & you find yourself going through the motions. When you recognize something as typical it usually gives you pause. I know I've damn well laughed at myself at certain times, or laughed at certain re-occurring situations despite their obvious lack of humor. & if you've ever heard one of my jokes you understand what lack of humor is about.

"now as you close your eyes know I'll be thinking about you
while my mistress calls me to stand in her spotlight again
tonight I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove for it's you that I'd die to defend"

Course the obvious question is if he's got nothing to prove & he'd died to defend his lady then why is he fucking around? But musicians aren't always hip to that whole "logic" thing. Besides it's very possible it's not a committed relationship he's in for whatever reason.

Truthfully though I've been there. I've never cheated on anyone but there have been some situations where I cared for someone but was with someone else. So I can understand the need for having someone right here even though I wished like hell it was someone else with me. A particular someone else that is.

Musically Jovi does his usual job with this type of song - catchy little motifs running throughout a nice chord progression mingled with a catchy melody & thoughtful delivery of all the above. Cheesy as hell? Yes. But well crafted. (Get it? cheesy - crafted? Kraft-ed? I know. I don't have issues; I have subscriptions).

& why the hell am I writing about a cheesy ass Bon Jovi tune in the first friggin' place? Cause it popped up on my player when I felt like writing something. Or maybe I just miss being on the road. Or writing cheesy ass songs thinking that it'd be played during the opening credits of a movie about me. I write, you decide. Or is that deride?

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2006-10-17T01:55:00.000-06:00

The song was written in 1963 by Eddie Pola & George Wyle. Andy Summers recorded it first but it's been done by a host of folks. It's definitely not my favorite x-mas tune but it makes such a damn nice title...

Fall, specifically late fall is the time of year I like best. I suppose it comes from growing up in North Carolina. This time of year meant an end to the heat & I never was a fan of the heat.

I like cold weather. I like snow. I like a lot of the things associated with fall & winter. But an odd one (perhaps) is that this time of year I usually start brushing up on my x-mas tunes.

From early January till mid-November there's really no reason to have x-mas tunes down cold. I've never played "Jingle Bells" in July for some reason. But ages ago I had an early December gig where they asked us to play some x-mas tunes. It was a private party & we were there doing R&B & reggae. I ended up being the only instrument accompanying the rest of the band (they could all sing their asses off) & it was all going great till we hit the bridge of "The Christmas Song" (i.e. "...chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."). For some reason the bridge slipped my mind. Train wrecked all to hell. The lead singer calmly reached back & slapped his hand on the neck of my guitar to stop me from trying to find the damn bridge. Not one of my prouder moments in music but one of my funniest.

So since then around this time of year I start brushing up on my x-mas tunes.

Another odd thing about that is I'm not a Christian. I grew up as one but even then I didn't celebrate x-mas. Still I always dug the music. & since x-mas parties usually pay more than most bar gigs my fondness for the genre didn't diminish over the years.

But another aspect of the fall I dig is the excuse it gives for a few of my favorite things (yes; that was a very bad x-mas tune pun tyvm). The cold & often inclimate weather is a very good excuse for staying in & curling up with someone you care about. But since that's not working out for me at the moment there's another justification - reading.

Last weekend I had an ass-load of stuff to do. & no I've never been able to quantify exactly how much is in an "ass-load". It just means a lot, k? So Friday I bust my ass to knock out most of the things on my agenda. I did that so I could spend all of Saturday doing nothing but reading. I hit Barnes & Noble (a vile, evil place to be avoided at all costs) & - well I was only gonna grab one or two books I really needed. Luckily it's my blog so I don't have to tell you how weak I actually was but let's just say I underestimated my need. In any case I read. All day. All night. First time I'd done that in ages. & it was nice.

Course the neighborhood crack ho' knocking on my door at 3 a.m. needing a ride kinda disturbed the mood but I felt so good about things I gave her a damn ride. That'd be in a car. Um while fully clothed. Actually she's a nice person & I'm not positive she's on the rock, but most of the evidence points that way & yes; she's a cute crack ho' but no - I haven't slept with her. Or had sex with her. (It's sometimes difficult writing for an audience that knows me - I really am very selective about who I sleep with. Damn it.)

Still one of my favorite uses for fall is to spend all day lounging around reading. Doesn’t matter what so long as it has my interest for the moment. The only way to improve on that is to have a lady I care for lounging around reading with me. Not only is it kinda romantic in a "you're too bookish" kinda way but sometimes I do need help with the big words. I am from North Carolina after all. When someone asks if I'm really literate I usually reflexive tell them that yes; my parents were married. By the time of my birth at least.

So from now till the tugging of spring negates the excuse I'll look for days when I can open my windows, shake my head, shiver just slightly & stay the hell in with a good book or at least three decent ones.

In the interest of full disclosure I am re-reading The Master & Margerita by Bulgakov, Starship Troopers by Heinlein & am a third of the way through Time Enough For Love by Heinlein. But the two I'm working on most are We Were Soldiers Once, And Young by Moore & Galloway (A third through so far) & Band of Brothers by Ambrose (I haven't started it yet - but soon my precious. soon.).

So just out of curiosity even if you think I know what you like to read leave me a comment or send me a message (I can dig the anonynimity thing) & tell me what book(s) you'd like to spend the whole day reading when the weather gets a little cooler & you can manage the time.

Who Wants To Live Forever?

2006-10-15T03:23:00.000-06:00

A Queen tune off the soundtrack for the movie Highlander (& the Queen album Some Kind Of Magic). Here's the vid.

It's one of the most beautiful, sad & poignant pieces of music in film that I've ever heard. It plays during the scene in the movie where the Highlander is watching his wife grow old & die. the Highlander, being an immortal is kinda messed up by this turn of events & the music playing in the background adds to the emotions conveyed in the scene.

There are a few tunes I can think of that are sadder, but not many.

"There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

The orchestration is very simple. Almost but not quite understated. An organ with scattering of faintly heard strings through the verse. Then the chorus ("who wants to live forever?") is damn near exquisitely done. A simple ascending melody divided by syllables of the lyrics (a 3 note rise in other words - "who wants" on C then up a step to D for "to live" then up a step to E for "forever") with the strings just a bit louder touching on a descending harmony then providing a consequent motif as the vocals fade just a bit. Then the words repeat but the melody picks up where it left off instead of repeating. In other words the melody is a third higher on the reprise. The strings repeat their descending accompaniment but additional vocals provide texture to the melody as it starts on E then rises another step to F.. then another half step to G.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

The strings come in a bit more on the second verse, giving a nice flavor to the melody without detracting from it too much. They do a very nice job of emoting the anxiety & tension consistent with the text then resolving it prior to the second chorus.

But the second chorus; the strings come in a more noticeable role giving a harmony as well as the counterpoint from the first chorus. The second half of the chorus has them coming up to a nice crescendo (along with the vocal harmonies - Mercury was always too damn good at that) that leads to the strings taking the melody over for the first half of what would be the next repeat of the chorus. The second half has a build up that's a continuation of what the strings did just prior but with Mercury adding a new line of text:

"Who dares to love forever?"

Which climaxes in a suspended chord as he moans & the guitar comes in to heighten the tension. Then it resolves to the minor root of the song as Mercury adds:

"When love must die"

But that's not enough. An instrumental section with May picking out a simple & tasteful melody leads to a heavier more anxious part:

"But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips"

The strings are providing an almost staccato rhythm as the drums come in playing half time behind the lyrics.

Then they kick it in. The drums come in full & the strings are supplemented by very heavy chords from the guitar. It's the same chord progression & melody as the chorus just heightened in flavor & intensity. The lyrics are:

"And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today"

But that's not enough either. Mercury decides to show off. There are few better at stacking harmonies than the late Freddie Mercury & the next chorus is a perfect example of this. I'm counting 4 part harmonies not including octaves covered by at least 6 voices & I know I'm not counting it all.

"Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today"

Then it calms down a bit. The high-hat keeps an 8th note count while the strings fade & Mercury asks

"Who waits forever anyway?"

Strings take us out with a momentary build up that leads you to believe it's going to go on for a bit. Horns come in here & there & there's some nice minimalist guitar work. Then the organ suspends a chord & the strings resolve it, fading out on tonic chord. 9e-minor in this case).

But it's dry as hell to describe a song. Kinda like telling someone who's never had it how fried black sea bass tastes.

The feeling though - every song either inspires us to feel or think something or it doesn't. & what that feeling or thought is will vary with each person. There's no way to predict it (though usually you can have a general idea of the direction it may take in someone else) but it's hard to fathom that a song that causes strong feelings or thoughts in you wouldn't have the same effect on someone else. Still I'm left with talking about my impression. Your mileage may vary.

Again the first time I heard the song was in that scene from Highlander & it was damn near poetic in context. Still the song by itself is not to be discounted.

The saddest songs I know of aren't totally pessimistic. There's a good deal of pessimism involved but that'd just make them depressing momentarily & you'd soon just get on with things.

What makes a really great sad song is having a glimmer of hope - just a glimmer. Unrequited love is sad, but not as sad as when someone thinks there's still some sort of chance.

In real life we usually take unhappy endings as they come & when they're finally we move on. Not that it's easy or quick but most of us know the process & muddle through somehow. When a loved one dies it sucks but there's nothing to be done or hoped for in this world so you deal with it. But when there's a glimmer of hope - just the tiniest sliver of a chance that things may turn out happy that can mess you up worse than anything.

So it is in art & music. The tone of the song is mostly despondent. Mercury is talking himself into giving up hope cause he sees none - but he doesn't convince himself of that completely. He's preparing himself for a heartbreaking event that he desperately hopes (or wants to hope) will not happen.

The first part of the song he's convincing himself to just accept the inevitable, then the second half he's trying to talk himself (& presumably his lover) into the idea that maybe they can "have forever" even though it seems impossible. Or perhaps he's accepting that the inevitable will come but wishes to try to savor every moment until then? Either way what makes the tune so sad in content is the slight hope that is projected by the second half of the song. What makes the song great in general is the craftsmanship with which it was put together.

So listen to it sometime. Or better yet watch Highlander. Just don't think it'll leave you feeling ire. It's sad as hell (to me at least) but some of the greatest pieces of music in this world are, as some of the most memorable moments in our lives are regrettably sad ones.

Black Cat Bone

2006-10-13T02:52:00.000-06:00

An old blues tune. Johnny Winter did the version I'm familiar with but it dates as far back as the late 1920's from what I can tell. Here's Yvan "Harper" Aucouturier & The Texas Sluts doing their rendition of the tune. The "black cat bone" was a hoodoo charm made popular in the 20's & 30's by blues players. Depending on how it was prepared it could either make you invisible or bring back a lost lover.

"I believe my old lady she done found my black cat bone
I believe my old lady she done found my black cat bone
I got a funny feeling that uh something's going on wrong"

Contrast that with this Albert Collins & Robert Cray version

"I believe my baby got a black cat bone
I believe my baby got a black cat bone
seems like everything I do I do it wrong"

That's the nature of blues. The songs change from artist to artist & sometimes from gig to gig with the same artist.

But I'm going to write about a different kind of black cat, though the blues is an appropriate format to discuss things. (& with my luck in love I can't say the lyrics aren't generally appropriate but that's another tale).

Bug. I met her in 2002. I believe the month was May. At the time I was dating a girl who was moving here from Italy. She'd moved over there a few years before & was moving back. We ended up moving in together along with Bug & Chip. Bug & Chip were Felis Silvestris Catus. Cats in other words. Not particularly special cats as far as cats go (though Bug always seemed quite photogenic & Chip "talked" quite a bit) but we became friends. The lady in question was quite busy with school & traveled a bit while we were together so it's not an exaggaration to say I spent more time with the cats than I did with her.

By 2004 the relationship was quite rocky. Well, over more or less to be honest about it. We broke up in August & by September I had moved out. The lady & I had been good friends but it seemed like we wouldn't be talking much. Not a particularly nasty break up or anything, just one where a clean break was most likely.

But in September she found out Bug had cancer. Bug was 17 years old at the time & hadn't been feeling well for a little while. We just attributed it to age. It wasn't. It was a tumor in her chest. The poor thing kept getting fluid on her lungs & we kept having to have it drained.

So I started hanging out with my ex. Partially it was for her cause I knew this was tearing her up but partially for Bug.

I owned a cat once. Or rather it owned me. I was 10 when it died (hit by a car) & I haven't had the heart to get another cat since. I was 10 & I remember crying in the shower about it. So instead I keep dating (or trying to date) women with cats of their own (not on purpsoe though it seems that way at times). Not a perfect strategy as you'll see in a minute.

Bug was a cat. Not human, not able to effeciently communicate anything but very basic messages (I'm hungry, I want to be petted, etc..) but I liked the little furry thing. She was a real sweetheart. When me & the ex went to sleep we'd soon feel her lying on the pillow right above our heads. Roughly at quarter til 6 a.m. one or the other of us would wake up to find Bug & Chip staring us down, breathing heavily wanting us to get our asses up & give them their wet food. I typed at least a few hundred (if not thousand) pages with Bug sitting on my lap.

Anyway I went over there almost every day for a few weeks trying to make my ex & Bug & Chip feel better. There really wasn't much we could do except get her chest drained when her breathing got too labored. & we gave her food that she liked. She really dug those chicken things from Wendy's. & the cheese from Burger King cheeseburgers. We gave some to Chip too cause we kinda figured he knew something wasn't right & tried to give him as much attention as we could.

To shorten this up I went home & was getting ready for work one Sunday when my ex called. In the few hours since I left Bug got worse. So I called work & told them I'd be there at some point that night & flew over to my ex's place. We took Bug to the vet & they put her down.

That was around October of 2004.

A year later my ex was living in Illinois. She called in late August to let me know Chip wasn't doing well. I didn't hear from her again til mid October. She told me Chip was dead.

I really liked the cats. I really miss them. So despite my plan of not owning a cat so I wouldn't go through that feeling of loss again - well it didn't work out so well.

In '96 I dated a girl with two cats. We dated about a year & split up. I saw her at a bar a few years later & she told me that one of the cats had passed. I remember being cool but when I got home & started to think about it I cried my ass off. I haven't talked to her since so I have no idea how the other cat is doing but I assume the poor thing has passed by now.

There was a very special lady I dated (though she's quick to point out it was never "official") for a while who had a cat. We never shacked up but I did spend some time with her cat (who shall go nameless cause I always get the name wrong) & think we had a decent human-feline bond type thing going on. I haven't seen the cat in about a year & a half (though I've seen the lady a few times). While talking one day I asked how the cat was doing & she told me the cat "was in heaven". I really started to tear up a bit before she explained that she meant that the cat was just really digging their new place.

So in the past decade there have been 3 ladies whom I've cared for a great deal & there have been 5 cats between them all. I know 3 of the cats are gone & presumably the 4th as well. The 5th seems to be doing well & I hope that doesn't change anytime soon for my sake as well as the young lady's. & 2 of the ladies in question are pretty much done with me romantically & vice versa. The 3rd I have really no clue about. It could go either way. Truthfully I'm not that optimistic about things but it's hard to give up hope when you care about someone. & her cat.

Anyway I'm writing about this because of two of my old friends that aren't around anymore. They both passed around this time last year & the year before respectively. Shame as fall is my favorite time of year (well it's tied with early winter at least). I won't get all weepy & whine about it if you talk to me but when I'm alone typing I do miss Bug on my lap & Chip standing up with his front paws on my leg (he was never a good jumper but he tried bless his little heart) chirping for some attention.

I have some pics of Bug & Chip up & I'm trying to resize another one of the cat who shall remain nameless (though my photo editing program is acting nasty tonight). If it seems silly to spend so much time reminiscing about four legged mammals who never fetched anything for me you're probably right. But all humans are silly sometimes about some things I reckon. For what it's worth they were friends as much as a non-human can be so maybe it's not so silly to miss them after all?

Wishes

2006-10-07T18:21:00.000-06:00

A Jon Butcher tune. If you've never heard it then go to my friends list & check out Jon Butcher's MySpace page. Wishes is on his player.

It's a cute little psuedo R&B tune with hints of Hendrix throughout the guitar work but for some reason I always dug it (though I'm not a big fan of Hendrix's playing - I dug how he wrote but wasn't crazy about his playing). & Butcher's voice is nice which is always a plus.

The lyrics hold a simple premise - dreaming is cool but it shouldn't negate action.

I don't have time for an in depth discussion of the music or melody or guitar work or lyrics or the deeper meaning of life or the best laid plans of mice. I just stumbled onto the song & then Butcher's MySpace page & I'm just groovin on it. When it first came out I was a young guitarist & really dug the sound & the playing & was just generally fond of the tune. But I haven't heard it in years till last night. Now you can check it out too & hopefully see why I dig it.

Fallin' In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)

2006-10-02T13:59:00.000-06:00

No I'm not complaining about getting old. Well not right now at least. It's an Aerosmith tune. Maybe not my fav but it always makes me smile a bit. It's chock full of more witticisms than a catalog of bad country tunes, but it pulls them off with a little dignity. Here's Aerosmith doing it live in Japan back in '99.

"I'm Jonesin' on love
Yeah I got the DT's
You say that we will
But there ain't no guarantees
I major in love
But in all minor keys
Cause falling in love is so hard on the knees"

But the thing that always gets me is in the last verse:

"You ain't that good
Is what you said down to the letter
But you like the way I hold the microphone
Sometimes I'm good but when I'm bad
I'm even better
Don't give me no lip
I've got enough of my own"

If you recall what Steven Tyler looks like you'll understand the only way that could have been funnier is if Mick Jagger had sung that verse. But maybe I'm just partial. Any singer who can croon that his "get up & go has got up & went" has enough of a self depreciating sense of humor that it reminds me of me.

& like most songs about unrequited love the message is valid - it ain't easy to go through. Hell it ain't even easy to remember the feeling years later. But it doesn't approach it in the sappy co-dependent way that most attempts at the subject do.

& the execution is typical Aerosmith. Bluesy, soulful yet not wishy-washy. It won't make you feel better if you're bummed about a love interest. No song will do that, not even something by Babyface. We are musicians, not magicians & they're songs, not magic. But it can help you understand what you feel, or at least find a little comfort in the idea that you ain't the only one to go through something like this. & it might even make you smile a little. That's about as much as you can hope for in a song - emotion, empathy & a little humor. If you've never heard it or it's been a while give it a listen again even if your love life is going well.

Crazy

2006-09-29T02:57:00.000-06:00

Aerosmith. I always liked them for some reason. A ballad like "Crazy" makes me feel justified in that (here's the director's cut of the vid). Besides some of their lyrics are just plain funny. In Crazy you have the line

“You're packing up your stuff & talking like it's tough & telling me it's time to go
But I know you ain't wearing nothing underneath that overcoat & it's all for show"

K, funny in a slightly twisted way, but like I have room to talk.

Another line that cracked me up for no discernible reason - from the song Pink (here's the vid)

"Pink is like red but not quite"

Ah.

Anyway A very touching part of "Crazy" is where Tyler sings a line & the melody is doubled on guitar. Just four words - "I need your love".

I never made any pretense that I was all wise & all knowing int he realm of relationships. I know a little & I really do try my best to guess what's missing but I admit to a certain cluelessness. A lot of what I do know comes from lyrics. It sounds odd but if you look in the right spots there's some wisdom in songs. After all most musicians are an emotional lot & try to stay in touch with things of this nature, so it's no wonder than once in a while someone will say something deep, or touching or even correct.

Need though.

I have a very strict definition of need. In short the only things I need are food, water & shelter. Everything else is a want, not a need. But perhaps when it comes to relationships I'm mistaken.

One of the funny things to me is that the majority of love songs are based upon co-dependent relationships. The word "need" typifies it but sometimes there are more subtle clues. Still it's usually a "need' based perspective. sure, there are songs about "wanting" someone but I think most deal with "need".

So is it possible to "need" someone & not be co-dependent?

My mother was with her husband from sometime in the early 80's till this past May. She died & it tore him up something fierce. Now truth be told I always thought he was an ass & haven't spoke to him since my mother passed, but I won't deny his pain. Still from what I saw of his behavior he was co-dependent on her.

In general I've never liked the co-dependency of relationships. It's alluring at times; there's no security like knowing the other person doesn't think they can get by without you - but it's not that good for all involved from what I've seen. Still it works for some people & even makes them happy.

Going back to my strict definition of need I don't think I have ever thought I couldn't live without a specific person. I've thought I'd be eternally miserable without some of my ex g/f's when we busted up, but nothing ever met my definition of need.

Want is another topic altogether. There have been some women I've wanted so badly that it caused pain. & I don't mean just wanting to sleep with them; I mean wanting them in my life. But where does want become so strong that it's an emotional need? & can it be done without having the disadvantages of co-dependency?

I'll Wait

2006-09-26T04:09:00.000-06:00

Old Van Halen. Love 'em, hate 'em but they were an influential part of the music biz & still are to some extent. "I'll Wait" wasn't there biggest hit or most artful tune but it has a charm about it, at least to me. Here's a vid of Van Halen doing the tune live.

"You've got me captured I'm under your spell
I guess I'll never learn
I have your pictureYes I know it well
Another page is turned
Are you for real?It's so hard to tell
From just a magazine
Yeah, you just smile and the picture sells
Look what that does to me
I'll wait'Til your love comes down
I'm coming straight for your heart
No wayYou can stop me now
As fine as you are"

You can kinda figure it out for yourself. The part that has relevance today is the next verse:

"I wrote a letter And told her these words
That meant a lot to me
I never sent it She wouldn't have heard
Her eyes don't follow me"

That's why you're reading this.

When something is on my mind I write about it. Those of you that know me well know I can be a bit verbose. Okay "wordy bastard", "long winded sucker" & "fool that run his mouth too damn much" are more likely how you'd describe it.

When I was in my early 20's I had an interesting relationship. Interesting in the "I wonder how many years of therapy it will take him to pretend to be normal again?" sense. The girl had serious drama - monolithic radiated stripper drama to the power of wtf?!? - & I was too young to know that I should have just ran screaming into the night. Or day. Or dusk even. My friends got tired of hearing me talk about her while I was trying to figure her out so I took to writing. I forget how many notebooks I had filled in an utterly vain attempt to rationalize or even understand her behavior. I got over the situation & over her (though being the sucker I am I still care for her) but the habit stuck.

& it's not just about relationships though that's primarily what I write about here. On my other blog it's mainly politics & law. In the past I've posted on forums dealing with a few different subjects (though mainly guns) & in my first years on the internet I hung out in chat rooms (Star Wars chat rooms mind ya) & argued damn near anything. I'm the over-analytical sort & if something is on my mind & I have the time I end up writing about it.

Course for years I simply didn't have an outlet for it but now thanks to the ease of the internet you get to find out the true meaning of "not brief".

Most of the things I write on here are personal or personal in origin, though not necessarily something I've just started to ponder. & it may or may not be relevant to anything going on in my life at the moment. Just to be clear if I do ever write anything that has bearing on anything in my personal life I will do it in such a way that any other parties cannot be identified. The way I was raised a man kept his mouth shut about anything that could cause embarrassment to anyone he knew, especially ladies. I just wish that applied to "myself".

Usually though the things most relevant to any situation I'm going through I write about extensively & just never do anything with it. Sometimes it does me more good just to jot things down than it would to actually send them to anyone else, or publish them. It's not the cheapest therapy I know of but it's the most convenient. Besides it keeps me from boring anyone to death through long ass essays on the deeper meaning of Llama fetishes, or whether "I love Ewe' on a card means someone just likes me for my livestock..

But I write. Badly at times. & too damn much. Hell I'm damn near 35 years old & still typing to myself.

Jaded

2006-09-25T03:05:00.000-06:00

Aerosmith again. Here's the vid. It's a more relevant title but perhaps "Janie's Got A Gun" would be more fitting with the topic I'm writing about today although it's not exactly right either.

Emotional abuse is a big problem not just for the victims but for those around the victims.

The way it typically works is a girl meets a guy she thinks is cool & who treats her cool. She keeps thinking he’s cool even as his behavior gradually becomes worse. She admires &/or respects him in addition to caring for him & ignores or rationalizes the deteriorating behavior until it reaches a critical point. By the time she sees it as being bad for her she’s already damaged.

The damage most often is a loss of self esteem or self worth. It doesn’t end when the abuse ends either. For weeks, months, sometimes years (depending on the nature of the abuse & longevity of it) the girl has problems with how she views herself & consequently how others view her. It can & often results in seemingly erratic behavior for the girl. Shell do things she wouldn’t normally do, or do things in a way that doesn’t seem to fit her personality.

Case in point A friend of mine was in such a relationship prior to our meeting. Her sense of self worth was approaching zero though she hid it very well. At school or parties she acted normal enough for her friends not to notice. But when pressed she would often break down & confess that she wasn’t deserving of anyone caring for her. Consequently she viewed my caring for her first as misplaced (he doesn’t really know me he just thinks he cares) & then as me trying to manipulate her (he claims he cares because he wants to sleep with me).

She went from relationship to relationship for years without a break in between them. She was afraid to be without a boyfriend or lover as being alone would have validated (in her mind) the degradation she had suffered. & she followed the same pattern just as those caught in a cycle of physically abusive relationships do; every guy she was attracted to turned out to mistreat her emotionally.

What altered things for her was a relationship where the guy was showing signs of getting physically abusive. It scared her enough that she realized she had things to deal with & took actions to help her recover.

Vary a detail or two her & there & you have a very common way of life for far too many women. The details will vary of course as each person handles things slightly differently but the basics are the same: girl meets guy & thinks he’s nice, guy shows signs of worsening behavior that girl rationalizes, girl realizes guy has messed with her head.

Some women go through it once & that’s it. Any warning signs & they leave. Others go through it multiple times not realizing what they’re doing or is being done to them. Still others shut themselves off as much as possible after going through too much mental trauma.

Another sad aspect of this is that usually (but not always) the girl has someone in her life that genuinely cares, but because of her condition she rejects that caring out of hand, or simply doesn’t take the comfort she could take from it.

I’ve had many friends over the years that have gone through something similar to what I described above. Some have been platonic relationships others have been of a more romantic nature. In each case there came a point when their behavior was so erratic that they seemed very unstable. Tailspin is how a few of my friends used to describe it as their actions made as much sense as a plane going down out of control. It was most obvious in folks who seemed the most stable prior to the damage occurring, but it was noticeable to some degree in each of them.

The difficult part for me & presumably for anyone who cares about someone suffering from the after effects of emotional abuse is that there’s little you can do for them. It takes them realizing the damage that’s been done to them & then wanting to straighten themselves up. No one can do it for them & its not that different from what you go through with a pal who has an alcohol or drug addiction. You watch helplessly until they attempt to help themselves & then you be as supportive as you can.

From what I’ve seen the worst damage occurs when the girl belittles her self worth. She doesn’t understand how anyone could value her as a person, since the guy she admired/respected/cared for/loved treated her like dirt. She feels she deserves this sort of treatment that her value is not as a person but perhaps as a possession. When someone tells her that she’s beautiful or that they care she assumes its insincere & there’s an ulterior motive. The justification is usually along the lines of After all, who could really care for me or think I’m attractive?

Some girls start to equate their self worth with their willingness to perform sexually. Flirting or behaving in a bolder than usual fashion towards the opposite sex usually happens when self worth becoming synonymous with sex is present but not prominent. The attention she gets from this behavior helps her think she is valuable, even if only as an object. Promiscuity in girls who otherwise have been very selective of their partners seems to be common enough to note when the above is prominent. If the atypical promiscuity occurs it is either from the girl enjoying the attention it brings her or in very severe cases from her simply thinking that sex is all she’s good for & that she may as well have it with as many men as possible. It can be an outside source of self esteem when that is lacking in the girls own mind, or it can be a way to get back at an abusive partner or ex-partner.

At times the damage is more subtle. It’s still the same type a depreciation of self value but it isn’t as obvious to the girl or those around her. Consciously they rarely admit to themselves that they don’t think they’re desirable or important, but the results can be the same in slightly more subtle proportions.

I had another friend who went through some emotional abuse as a teen. By the time I met her she seemed fine but as we got to know each other the effects manifested themselves. In the end she went back & forth between myself & another guy until she convinced him to impregnate her. I was too young to recognize what she was going through or how to act about it plus I was emotionally involved which always clouds judgment. Last I heard she was still in the same pattern years afterwards. I believe (but I’m not positive) that her motivation was that since she was only useful for sex shed use it to her advantage.

Decision making can be very tough when suffering the after effects of emotional abuse. The way I believe it works is that the girl’s emotions start to dominate her life (thus partially causing the erratic behavior) & she feels almost helpless in the face of her actions. Most women don’t enjoy the out of control feeling associated with it but fear prevents them from altering their behavior. Making a decision, especially of a romantic nature can be frightening in normal circumstances, but especially so for those with emotional damage. Taking responsibility for their actions by making a decision opens them up to blame if that decision turns out badly for them or anyone else. & its understandable since the emotional abuse & degradation usually was justified by the attacker as a response to a decision or action.

So some symptoms of emotional abuse are low self esteem/sense of self worth, erratic behavior, rejection of caring from those around her, difficulty in trusting others (& in some cases herself), inability or unwillingness to make decisions, atypical flirting or promiscuity, attempts to avoid responsibility socially & withdrawal (physical, emotional or a combination of both). These are by no means all of the symptoms & the presence of one or even multiple symptoms does not necessarily mean that emotional abuse has occurred but in my experience (which means its anecdotal & should be taken with a grain of salt) those are the ones I’ve seen most frequently in women I’ve known to have been through emotional trauma in a relationship. They can occur individually, concurrently or combined in any number. & of course depression can result.

Again not much can be done for someone who is going through this. Being a supportive friend/lover/partner is all that can be done until the person tries to help themselves.

For me that’s the most difficult part. Just seeing an acquaintance go through something of this nature is hard enough, but when its a friend or someone I genuinely care for its damn near heartbreaking. If its a friend that I feel close enough to, or a love interest, or a combination of both it can be almost as traumatic for me as for them. The tailspin analogy well imagine following your friend as she dives down out of control as you keep yelling Eject! hoping she hears you before you both crash. But there’s not much that can be done. Trying to tell someone they’re going through this doesn’t usually result in them acknowledging it; much like telling an alcoholic that they need AA rarely results in them attending meetings.

Ill admit up front that I can be a jerk. But typically I reserve that behavior for those I feel its justified upon. A guy I work with who slacks off & causes problems sees that side of me. A pal who says something I don’t agree with doesn’t. Still I’m usually considered a nice guy or at least a good guy by most who know me well. With that in mind I have never understood the actions of men who emotionally abuse their partners. Arguments I can understand & disagreements happen. But to degrade the person you’re committed to is simply an inexcusable act. If the person is really that uncool for you then moving on is the proper solution, not trying to use some twisted form of negative reinforcement to mold her into what you wish her to be.

I won’t deny that I’m bitter about the subject. Not just because of the anguish I see the victims go through, but because there have been several times where I cared for someone & wanted a relationship with them but the damage done by previous partners had made that damn near impossible.

As I said when a lady has self esteem problems it can alter her ability to make evaluations. I’m not saying that if it weren’t for that they’d have all fallen for me. I’m saying they’d have been less likely to think my judgment was off & therefore I was unsuitable or that I was attempting to use them for my own purposes. I have friends who have had similar experiences so I’m assuming that its not just my bad luck but a more common occurrence.

A little bit about attraction:

There are a lot of guys who see a woman as a means to an end. They think that if they have the woman then they have sex. Or security. Or a potential mother. Or insert role here. Usually these can be spotted from a distance by most women, but those suffering the after effect of emotional abuse can have their judgment impaired enough to not realize it until its too late.

Other guys genuinely care for the woman. Not as a potential tool of some sort, but they care for her as a person. For myself I like women in general but every now & then one will come along that I just see something special about. Its not necessarily someone who could be a Playboy model or a rocket scientist or the perfect mother. Its not that I don’t see their flaws & shortcomings. But something about her makes me sincerely believe she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, both externally & internally. When that occurs then I wouldn’t trade that person for anyone else or everyone else. I just see a beauty in them & want to express the feeling it inspires (which isn’t always sexual).

Unfortunately I have felt that way about women who were in that tailspin I keep referring to. When my attempts to care weren’t rejected out of hand it was a struggle to gain their trust & their willingness to pursue anything other than an occasional acquaintance. As I’m still single its obvious that none of them worked out in the long run, but not always because of the prior abuse they suffered. Still it made things more difficult for all concerned than it should have been.

I’ve mentioned it a few times but it bears repeating what occurred most common in my experiences was such low self esteem that my sincerity was questioned. They simply did not believe that someone they thought of as a nice guy could care about them, so they assumed I was manipulating them & shut themselves off emotionally to me. I don’t think that my experiences were uncommon though I’m not sure how often this occurs with other people.

What adds sting to injury is they would often end up with men who either were just using them for some goal or with men who continued the emotionally abusive behavior. Don’t misunderstand me I’m not saying that since they rejected me in some fashion that the men they ended up with were obviously flawed. I’m pretty aware of my attributes & detriments & in general I feel Id be a better than average partner for some, worse than average for some & for a very few Id be a much better choice than most others (& with a very select few Id be close to the mythical perfect match). But those that suffered from emotional abuse to any notable degree that I’ve kept in touch with (or heard about after I gave up trying to be in their world) have usually (but not always) ended up with someone who used them or who emotionally abused them.

This is caused by a few things. I’ve covered the lack of self worth leading to an unwillingness to trust that someone genuinely cares about them. Also the desire to avoid making decisions can cause the wrong choice to be made. That one can cut both ways; a guy who leaves the situation after becoming frustrated with the hurdles could be viewed as not really caring, or conversely a guy who sticks around & attempts to break through the barriers could be viewed as not being desirable since he obviously had no other prospects & must have serious issues of his own (or so the reasoning goes). There’s just no way to tell how the chips will fall as it will vary with each woman & her circumstances (as well as her basic attraction to the guy) so any guy who attempts to care about someone in such a state is rolling the dice more so than with someone who had not suffered emotional abuse.

There are varying degrees of emotional abuse. They range from someone casually & occasionally making derogatory remarks to yelling & screaming that seems on the verge of becoming physical. It can be overt belittlement of a partner or a more subtle attempt to manipulate their emotions via fear & insecurity. Baseless accusations of infidelity, claiming the woman is ungrateful for all that’s been done for her, making her feel as if she can do nothing correctly, that she should be lucky to be with someone because no one else would want her, being nice one minute then for no explanation becoming volatile, ignoring or disregarding her feelings or emotions, attempting to separate her from friends or family, making decisions for her, tying her value in the relationship to a specific role (sex partner, housekeeper, mother, etc) &/or objectifying her are some of the most common forms emotional abuse takes. & because each woman is a different person the effects of the abuse vary in both degree & symptom. I think the base damage is the same in all cases but its severity differs in each case. The very unfortunate women find themselves with multiple relationships (usually in a row) that they receive damage from.

So what can be done? As I said the friends, lovers, family & other bystanders can’t do much. Offering mental & emotional support is all we can do.

For the woman suffering from the effects she first & foremost has to recover her self esteem. But it has to be done in a way that’s not harmful to her. Becoming a stripper or prostitute or generally being promiscuous will make her feel wanted, but not in a healthy enough way for her to regain control of herself. (note: I don’t have any serious moral, ethical or pragmatic objections to prostitution, stripping or general promiscuity IF they are taken up under the correct circumstances.)

She has to accept that not only is she a person with value to herself, but with value to others as well. She has to recognize that she has qualities that make her desirable as a person not merely as an object or a servant of some sort. Perhaps the hardest part is for a woman in this state to see that despite her flaws she can be cared for very deeply by others & that she deserves to care about herself independently of others.

Taking control of her life is almost as important. Making decisions & accepting the consequences for them can be difficult but its necessary to regain control of her world. Accepting that mistakes or bad decisions do not validate the abuse can be hard especially at first, but again it’s something that’s vital to her recovery.

Learning to trust others & to discern between those who genuinely care & those who do not is another hurdle to overcome. It takes time & patience both on the part of the woman & those who care for her. Speaking from experience I can say its not easy at all, but its not impossible if the woman truly wants to be able to trust people again.

These are all just my thoughts based on my experiences. Take them with as much salt as you wish. Im not a psychologist or psychiatrist & truth be told I have little respect for those fields for a number of reasons. I'm no expert & I can only see these things from a male perspective. But I have been around the block a few dozen times & this is what I’ve concluded so far. If I seem to have anything wrong corrections are always welcome. I focused on emotional abuse suffered by women because in my experience it’s far more common than for men to suffer it, though men can be victims as well.

& the reason for this musing on the mental health of women who have had very bad relationships? A friend called the other day that had been through a few of them & we discussed the effects they had on her life. One of the things we spent the most time discussing was that it took her a long time to realize what she had been through & its effects on her therefore longer than it could have taken for her to get back on track. So maybe this will help you or someone you know.

Love Foolosophy

2006-09-24T04:24:00.000-06:00

A Jamiroquai tune. Here's the vid. Cute, disco-y & not a bad dance track. But in it it contains a line that's deeper than the nature of the tune. The song itself is about - well see for yourself:

"Baby Baby, I feel these sweet sensations
Honey honey, looks like a superstar
She' got a promise of love-struck fascination
What am I to do? How am I to know?
Who you are
And this love, Fool, osophy is killing
Previous illusions that
I had in my mind about you
Seems so true, all the lies you're telling
Tragically compelling and
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love Fool
She shimmers like a California sunset
Lady lady, glitters but theres no gold
She carries sweetly infectious magic formulas
I'm so delirious, is she that serious?
Or is she bringing me on, I've been waiting so long
And this love, Fool, osophy is killing
Previous illusions that
I had in my mind about you
Seems so true, all the lies you're telling
Tragically compelling and
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love Fool
I don't want the world I want you
I don't want the world I want you
I don't want the world I want you"

Guy digs a girl but he's not sure how she's playing him. In fact he's leaning towards the idea that she is just playing him. But he still can't break away from her. Why?

All men are suckers from time to time. & all women are suckers from time to time. It's something we cannot help. We want to hope for an outcome that we find acceptable so much that sometimes we're blinded to the reality of the situation. Or sometimes we even see the situation for what it is but don't act on that in the hopes that it will change to our favor.

Consequently we all play someone at some point in our lives, often without realizing we're doing it. I've done it without meaning to & I'm sure anyone who reads this has as well.

Partly this is because of not being able to truly understand the opposite sex. It's just difficult for men to convey certain things to women as the men mean them & vice versa.

Which is why it may not be obvious as to what the line I was talking about earlier is or why it's so meaningful.

"I don't want the world I want you"

When I first heard the song I was just digging the groove, then that line came up & I stopped. I'd felt that way before & would afterwards feel that way again.

Men are ambitious, both by nature & upbringing. Every guy has aspirations of being the next Alexander the Great. Conquering the world & expanding his influence. The mildest most timid geeky nerdy 90 pound paper pusher has that same ambition even if only in passing.

I have it my damn self. I just suppress the hell out of it as most men do. But there's not much internal doubt that I can do anything that's possible for a human to do if I applied myself. But then we get into "can" & "should" which is a little off base for where I'm going with this but it explains why I suppress the urge to invade Europe & Asia on an off weekend.

When a man loves a woman so deeply that he'd forsake his natural inclination towards world dominance - it'd be almost comparable to a woman saying she loves a man more than chocolate, or shoes, or massages.

I don't think most women understand what it means to a man to feel that way, just like we wouldn't grasp the meaning of a woman caring more about us than say chocolate or shoes or massages.

That kind of caring makes men very easy marks for a woman who's looking to use him or just being negligent with her affections. & the kicker? Men don't care. When we feel that deeply it doesn't matter if we're played or not. As long as we can cling to the slightest bit of hope that it'll work out we're cool. Well take a lot of abuse & suffer quietly for months or even years if we think it'll get us closer to our goal. Eventually a line will be crossed & it's different for each guy but from the outside we seem like fools for enduring things under those circumstances.

But it is the way it is. We can't alter that about ourselves. & most people see it (from the outside) as a weakness. & it is, in the same way that caring about someone is a weakness. Its not an easy thing to go through something like that, let alone risk going through it again. Or maybe its just a lack of good sense. I'm still not sure about that. But you shouldn’t ever think a guy is weak because he feels that way. He may be weak but it wouldn’t be because of or indicated by that.

There is someone I could feel that way about but I’ll hold back as long as I can before I take that plunge again (especially cause things don't seem to be going well) or at least before I admit to myself that I've taken the plunge (cause likely I have already despite the circumstances). But this post is about the feeling in general, as I don't think most women really understand that kind of caring coming from a man. Course there are tons of things than men don't get about women, but odds are I'd get it wrong if I started to explore that side of the coin.

As an aside I also really dug the imagery from the first half of the second verse

"She shimmers like a California sunset
Lady lady glitters but there's no gold"

But that's another topic

Night Life

2006-09-22T15:12:00.000-06:00

Old blues standard. B.B. King did it as a nice duet with Willie Nelson. The main line is "The night life ain't no good life but it's my life". Here's willie doing it in 1967. Here's Willie & Clapton doing the tune. & Lawd have mercy here's Aretha killin' it.

The music biz was never really good to me. For about 15 years (minus a 3 year hiatus due to furthering my education) I primarily made my living by playing music. The term "made my living" is to be taken in the loosest sense of the word. I've had some really cool gigs & some really lucrative ones (though seldom were the cool ones lucrative) & I've had a lot of time in between gigs.

Being in a houseband is the worst. It's steady while it lasts & you don't have to tear down your equipment every night but when it's over it's over. The circles I traveled in usually booked 4 to 6 weeks in advance. House gigs were lost with no notice. The club owner/manager/lizard would just walk up to you the last night of the week you played & tell you not to come back. So that meant that you were effectively out of work for a month to a month & a half. That did nothing to hurt the musical professions' reputation as the world's most effective diet.

I haven't gigged much since I've been in Colorado. A few circumstances beyond my control contributed to it but mainly it's been for my own reasons. The short version is that I've had some offers in the last year or so but the money has not been right, even for musicians. Still I could swallow my professional pride & take some low paying gigs here & there, I just haven't reached that point yet.

The odd part is that not playing bothers me greatly but I don't miss the business at all. A good 60% or more of my time was spent looking for gigs. Whatever field you're in imagine having to apply for your job or one like it once or twice a week. Sometimes it wasn't that difficult, other times it was like pulling teeth out of a disgruntled badger. In addition to the "looking for work" factor there are two other aspects of the biz that can be less than pleasant - club/bar owners/agents & musicians. Dealing with bar owners was always "interesting".

The way it's supposed to work is a band's job is to keep the crowd in the bar & keep them drinking. They do this through playing songs the majority of the crowd likes & preferably songs geared towards encouraging the guys to hit on the ladies, which usually involves the buying of several drinks - one for the lady & several for the guy to work up his courage.

Bar/club owners though sometimes get the idea that a band is supposed to bring a crowd in with them. & this sometimes happens if the band is popular enough. But it's the bar trying to leech free advertising off the band with no commiserate increase in pay. There have been many an argument over this topic & usually as the bar/club owner tries to cut down the cash that was promised. Once the negotiations got so lively that I threatened to have the band take part of the bar home with them - not the liquor bottles - I meant part of the bar itself. Things worked out for the bets that time. Besides I had no room in my place for a 3 foot section of oak bar.

Musicians are the other downside. I had this one gig that started off nice. It was a 3 piece - drummer, bass player that sang his ass off & me on guitar. The bass player/singer had a drinking problem. A serious one. He couldn't chill with just one or two. To make things worse he wasn't a nice drunk. he got through the gig alright but by the time I ended up at another bar where I used to hang out he had followed me & started raising hell. I'm still not sure what his issues were - he mentioned something about I didn't care about him & was just using him. I assumed he was having problems at home & just figured the same arguments were applicable. In any case he threatened not to show for the next gig which was about 14 hours away at that point. I forget exactly what i did - I know kissing his ass to some degree was involved, trying to placate him with little or no effect. He stormed out swearing he'd never work with me again. so I stayed around for a bit, had the bartender give me hell about the bass player/singer & I being married ( which kinda clued me in that I'd have struck out with her) then went home sweating who the hell I could find on short notice to sing & play bass. I woke up the next afternoon to the phone - it was the bass player/singer & he apologized for his behavior the night before as told me he'd be there & sober. He showed up & the gig went smooth but damn if I wasn't more stressed than a very stressed out person in an ironic situation. (hey - I do this for free - you come up with some colloquialisms).

That experience wasn't typical but it wasn't uncommon either. Showing up late or not showing at all were the usual problems & luckily in my circles that happened kinda rarely as you'd get a reputation for not being hirable if it occurred too much. But still it was often enough that it made running a band "interesting".

The last few years I was in the biz I was mainly a hired gun. A band would call me up on a Friday afternoon & hire me for that night & maybe the next cause their guitar player was sick/fired/stranded out of town/in the middle of a tantrum. A lot of the times I'd meet the band a few minutes before we started playing. & I learned a lot of songs while playing them for the first time. Hell sometimes I played them better before I learned them.

In any case to supplement the work for hire I was doing I put together a few bands. I'd run bands de facto on & off for years so it wasn't anything that new or exciting. Nerve racking yes, exciting - not so much.

A few of them were real nice. I was good friends with the lady who ran this on bar down in Surfside, SC & she'd always call me when she had a space in her calendar - usually the call would come a day before the space came up.

The two projects I remember fondly were centered around tow respective singers - one a very sweet little lady & the other a young guy. Both were over 21 but just barely. The guy had a warm friendly tone to his voice that made him easy to listen to. He also had a bit of soul which made things better all the way around. We actually pulled off some Isaac Hayes tune from Southpark with him - Spontaneous it was called.

The young girl - when I first met her it was during an open jam. she came up to the stage & I saw this kinda short petite girl who had long blonde hair & couldn't have been old enough to watch most movies in the theaters. But she was 22 & thus broke no laws. I started going through all the new-ish pop tunes at the time & figured she'd want to do some Cranberry's or something.. She asked if I knew "Bring it on home to me" & I responded "you mean the Sam Cooke song?" she said yes & we went into it. & she killed it. 5'2" with a voice like she was taller than me. She had range, power, control & most importantly taste. She actually reminded me of Etta James a bit when she got all bluesy. She sang her cute little as off & I was in love - not with the girl even though she was very pretty - but with her voice.

So I used her whenever I could. For gigs that is. As in playing music.

The rhythm section usually consisted of this incredible bass player & a really decent drummer that could sing Stevie Wonder tunes. With them behind either the girl or the guy it was too much fun to describe. with the guy we were doing everything form the Southpark tune to some Red Hot Chili Peppers to some of the newer pop stuff to interesting pseudo Dave Mathews style covers. With the girl - Aretha to Sheryl Crow to blues & jazz standards.

The bar was a biker type joint on the first block from the ocean. Rough crowd & they got out of control pretty quick. But the girl could floor them & handle them. I recall once we did this old jazz standard (I forget which one - maybe Autumn Leaves) but she had the crowd of bikers so captivated that they were all sitting quietly sipping their drinks & then they would politely clap at the end of each verse or solo by the bass player or myself just like they were in an actual jazz lounge.

So the biz had its moments to be sure but the downsides were never far away. Once at the same bar I had a nice little hour long chat with the club owner (not my friend who ran the place) about getting paid because the owner had double booked for one day that weekend & not told the lady who ran the place about it. It ended up with her paying what I owed the band & writing the night off as a loss for myself. It sucked but that's the price you pay for trying to be "Johnny B. Goode".

& I won't even go into the crowd. For the most part they were cool, but there's always be some drunk who irritated the hell out of you & all you could do was politely smile while hoping you weren't going to have to bounce him your damn self. Or the young affluent gent who started dancing with the girl you talked to all of last break & thought she really liked you. I've never caught a girlfriend of mine in the act of cheating but watching how one or two women I thought I was getting somewhere with dance with someone else I can fully understand the feeling. But those are other whin.. er I mean topics.

The point of all this rambling (like I ever have an actual point)? I miss the playing terribly but the biz itself isn't something I'm rushing to get back into. Eventually the desire to play will overcome my aversion to the bullshit that comes with it. I'm a guitar player - it's not something I can just let go. But for now I keep myself in check by sitting in with friends or at open jams.

So I'm not looking for work as hard as I could but that won't last much longer. The scene around here is pretty dismal (in no small part because of the smoking ban) but I might be able to eek something out of it. Or just look for a road band & travel a bit more before I get too old to enjoy it. (Actually I was never young enough to enjoy being on the road, but it's tolerable).

I'm waiting on a friend to get off her cute little ass & transfer some of my stuff from cassette tape (that's an archaic means of recording music, ya whippersnappers) to MP3. When she does that I'll try to post it on here.

But tonight I'm probably going to have a drink or twelve & reminisce about the good old days when the singers were talented & not throwing tantrums.

FJHW Updated

2006-09-21T01:36:00.000-06:00

(I first wrote this piece in late May of 2006. I sent it as an e-mail to some folks I thought would appreciate the telling of events. In this version I've added a paragrpah I had originally penned but then ommitted along with an explanation of why such ommission occured. It's marked with an aterisk at the beginning & is italicized. It appears close to 2/3rd's down the post. I've also added links to 2 songs I mentioned in the original. Some of the punctuation didn't translate from Word to this format so excuse the errors that I have not had the motivation to clean up as of yet)

Hey Michael.
Hey Frankie.
What brings you out here?
You know Colorado doesn’t have any good biscuits.
I know what that means.
Yeah.
(12 equals 100, 15 equals 200, 18 equals 300, 22 equals 400, 26 equals 500, 31 equals 600, 36 equals 700, 42 equals 800, 50 equals 900, 58 equals 1,000)

That’s my mother. I hadn’t seen her since January & they’d just wheeled her in from radiation. That was on May 12th around 10 a.m. EST. If it wasn’t for the family being in the room & the sound of her voice I wouldn’t have recognized her. The numbers Ill explain later.

But that was the way we’d talk. I’d be a smart ass & shed ignore it & go on with what she thought I was trying to conceal with my answer. Her son, her eldest child showing up meant that things were bad. She was right; I wouldn’t have made the drive if it were just a weekend stay in the hospital. But I always called her Frankie. It was never mom or mother or momma; just Frankie. Well unless I was trying to stress something then it was Frankie Jean. Both I acquired from her father. & to be fair I called all my other relatives by their names instead of their titles with the sole exception of my father’s mother. No idea why, that’s just how it was.

Frankie had cancer. In 2001 they took her breast & gave her poisons in controlled doses coupled with radiation & thought they had it licked. She had went back to work & went back to school to learn Spanish so she wouldn’t need an interpreter on her next mission trip to the Dominican Republic. In 2005 it had come back. Liver, lung & brain were the homes of new tumors, so she went back to the chemo & radiation. There were complications this time around though. In May of 05 her colon ruptured. They had to do emergency surgery (like there’s recreational surgery to contrast it with) & installed a colonoscopy bag. It was supposed to be temporary but turned permanent.

In May of 05 my ex-g/f & I went to see her. I hadn’t been back to Charlotte since December of 01, which was un-coincidentally with the same girl who was then not yet my ex. It was supposed to be a surprise but I think my stepfather ratted us out. We went out to various fish camps & such (Colorado being landlocked I missed flounder & hushpuppies something fierce) & all in all had a good visit. We even stayed at Frankie’s house which I was reluctant to do.

I had traveled to Pensacola Florida in February of 93 to see Frankie. It was a surprise visit; I don’t think I talked to anyone in the family since Jean (Frankie’s mom) died the November before. I was fairly young & not sure what I was doing at all. When I got to their house Danny asked what brought me to Pensacola. I replied an Oldsmobile & at that he became a little agitated & told me I could stay the night but in the morning Id have to leave. Frankie didn’t say much then but I knew she told him later on that if I wanted to stay I could. I didn’t I spent the day with her & left that evening for New Orleans but that’s another tale.

So if it weren’t for having my ex with me & not wanting to hurt Frankie’s feelings I would have stayed elsewhere. & all in all it went okay. My ex & Frankie got along well. Not just the polite southern way of getting along but they seemed to genuinely like each other. My ex’s mom had a few things in common with Frankie & I always thought one of the shames of our break up was that they’d never get to meet & discuss the Home Shopping Network addiction they both shared.

I went back in January of 06 for a few days. I had planned this trip for a few months & at the last minute had to do some shucking & jiving with the arrangements. Danny had once again clued Frankie in to my arrival & she didn’t want me to come. Not that she hated me or anything but she was pretty weak or weaker than she had been & didn’t want to worry about me driving halfway across the country.

Some more background:

In the fall of 05 new tumors had cropped up. One was in her hip & another in her right eye. Radiation got rid of the one in her hip & some kind of laser surgery got the one in her eye but it left her with failing vision. To add to her burden her lungs started acting funny. She spent the week before Christmas in the hospital & when she came home she had oxygen tanks.

They thought it was pulmonary fibrosis that was cutting her breath short. Oxygen & new meds were the prescription. The problem was that the new meds precluded chemo & radiation so while they were trying to fix her lungs the cancer started growing again.

She was up & around shortly, but had to deal with the colonoscopy bag & oxygen tanks. Frankie was always very mobile & it made her sad that she couldn’t go down to Charleston, S.C. with my ex & me when we visited the year before (but she rented us two nights in the hotel she knew I usually stayed at when Id play down there) so the further limitations on her mobility were aggravating.

That inability to get out coupled with her worrying about me driving across country was why she didn’t want me to come out there. She had offered numerous times to buy my plane ticket but I won’t fly.

I’m a gun nut. Worse, I’m a politically aware gun nut. I run a website that deals with political & legal issues about firearms & to put it mildly I have very strong opinions on the current state of gun control in the country. Any talk of September the 11th of 2001 usually results in me mentioning that it was the day when 19 punks with boxcutters beat the u.S. in an arms race. I feel positively naked if I’m more than a short walk from a rifle or a short jump from my pistols, so the idea of letting some jerk that makes a little over minimum wage take away my pocket knife just to fly on a commercial plane is a bit much for me to bear. Despite being unconstitutional it’s pragmatically disastrous as evidenced by anyone who watches United 93 & recalls when the passengers were scrounging for weapons.

So I drive cross country to go back home. Frankie never really understood this or at least didn’t agree with it but she was used to my being stubborn. The last Christmas card she sent me said as much (a real tear jerker she wrote while still in the hospital). It’s a trait we inherited (learned rather) from her father. It’s complex, perhaps too complex to be told here but I was raised by her parents so in a lot of ways she was more like a really close aunt or older sister than a mother. Not that it mattered or affected our relationship adversely. Wed argue like parents & kids do about the direction of the kid’s life & she’d worry about me the way that parents worry about their kids who don’t do things exactly the way they would.

So on that trip I took a longer than anticipated route & ended up spending 4 days in Charlotte rather than the week or so I was planning on.

The first night I was in town she was tired out from a doctor’s visit. The next day she, Lisa (my sister) & I went shopping then out to dinner that night. She had her oxygen bottles with her & used one up completely as she showed me the new mall a bit north of where she lived. She obviously forgot that I hated shopping just as much as when I was 4 & would throw a tantrum on the floor of whatever store we were in (followed of course by her popping me on the backside for acting up in public) . But she was enjoying herself so I didn’t remind her.

She was visibly pissed when I left town, as evidenced by her telling me off (which she hadn’t done in a year or two to that degree) & in between lectures on how I could live my life better she said she wished I would come when she was capable of doing more. To be clear the mall trip tired me out & I’m used to breathing much thinner air! But that was how she was. She liked to go do things.

She was also adamantly optimistic. She really believed that in a few months they’d get her lungs straightened out & the cancer would be under control & shed be able to do more. In early May of 06 she had told me that they (her & Danny) were thinking of riding down to Charleston in a few weeks.

After I left her breathing remained about the same, but the meds she had been taking had cut back on her immune system & the cancer was growing again. Not just growing but spreading.

I got a call in March from Maria (Frankie’s sister) that she was in the hospital again & that Id better come if I wanted to see her alive. Turned out to be a false alarm (as far as her demise was concerned) but the cancer & her lungs were wearing her down. Shed lost vision in her right eye because the tumor they had lasered was growing again & her left eye was good on some days worse on others. That was a real shame because she liked to read (which is another habit we shared).

She took comfort in being in a hospital. I think she thought that the nurses & doctors were right there & could keep her safe. She also liked chemo. Not the side effects to be sure, but she hated to go without it cause she was scared the cancer would come back on her if she went too long.

But they let her out after about a week. I believe it was the week after that Danny took her driving up to Boone & she got to see some snowfall.

Frankie loved Pensacola Florida. Gulfbreeze actually, which was where she lived from the time I was 16 to the time I was 29. She missed it & would have moved back on a moments notice, but Danny wanted to be closer to his aging mother & she knew she needed to be close to Maria & Lisa. But she also really liked snow. Not cold weather per se, but snow. Id call her every time it snowed out here (which was a lot) & shed get all excited about it. She was also a weather channel addict & shed tune in just to see glimpses of the snow here in Denver. So it was really cool that she was in Boone when it snowed.

Danny is an ass, but not the malevolent sort of ass, more the ass that results from negligence or ignorance. I never cared for him much but I got along with him alright mainly because Frankie liked him & he was decent to her. He loved her. I assume she loved him. So I tried not to let my old grudges come up.

On May 4th she went into the hospital again. This time she was complaining of back pain. They found 3 tumors in her back along her spine. They started giving her morphine.

The family called me again & told me to come out there. Not just one or two members but Lisa, Johnny (mine & Lisa’s father) Carrie (Maria’s daughter; my cousin) & finally Danny.

A little about Johnny:

Frankie married him when she was 18. Later that year they had me. They had separated & tried to work things out when I was 2 months old (leaving me with Frankie’s parents who would end up raising me). In May of 73 Lisa was born. A few years later they divorced. The reasons are more or less family business & I wont mention them here but needless to say they didn’t get along well. At one point Johnny fought unsuccessfully for custody of Lisa & paid child support on both of use till we were 18 respectively. Johnny & I always got along as did Johnny & Lisa. Even Frankie’s parents liked him. Sometimes things between men & women just don’t work out though.

In '91 Johnny lost his mother to cancer. He didn’t sleep for days while she was on her deathbed & run himself ragged trying to do whatever he could for her. Watching her die of cancer was hard on him, perhaps harder than he’d admit.

My aunt told me of several times when Johnny would call or see her & ask about Frankie. He’d get visibly upset when the reports were looking grim. He told me a few times that even though they didn’t get along he’d never wish that (cancer) on her.

So when he called to tell me to drop everything & get out there I knew it wasn’t going to be a false alarm.

I cannot just drop everything & leave town. Reasons both economic & pragmatic preclude that. Id made up my mind to go see her but it took a few days to get on the road. Aside from scraping together the cash for the trip (I was just recovering from the last one) I had some mechanical issues with the car that needed to be addressed. So when Danny called me on Wednesday the 10th to tell me that Frankie didn’t have much time I was already packing the car & about to take off. When Lisa & Carrie called again & cussed me out for not coming I was almost to the Kansas border.

I didn’t tell anyone I was coming because I was making the trip with a leaking radiator & a cylinder that either wasn’t working at all or only partially working. That left 3 cylinders in an 87 Honda with 243,000 miles on it. I didn’t want them to tell Frankie I was coming & end up broken down someplace in Oklahoma. & they would have told her. More specifically if Danny would have heard they’d have told her & they’d have told Danny. I didn’t see any point in getting her hopes up or having her worry about me on the trip. Besides, I fully expected to get a call when I was in Tennessee or Oklahoma telling me shed passed. No need in making them feel bad for me that I didn’t make it despite trying.

I made the trip in 2 days instead of the usual 3. 15 hours on the first leg & 13 on the second. I would have tried it in one but halfway through Oklahoma I had a problem with one of my contacts & had to stop for the night to straighten it out. The whole trip I kept hearing this old Skynyrd tune in my head. Its called Was I Right Or Wrong? & if you listen to it you’ll understand why (here's a vid but the sound isn't great). Well it alternated between that & this Vince Gill tune called Go Rest High On That Mountain (here's the vid - I still get a litle weepy when the harmonies kick in).

I told my sister I was on the way on the 2nd day & why she couldn’t tell anyone so I think she kept things quiet. I got to her house in Denver N.C. around 1 a.m. EST on Friday morning. After 3 hours of sleep (I had 5.5 the night before in a hotel in Russellville, Arkansas) we were on our way to the hospital.

When we got there she had just been taking down to radiation. At that point they didn’t think they could get rid of the cancer, but shrinking the tumors might ease her pain. She had 5 treatments over 4 days & it seemed to help for a while.

An hour later they wheeled her bed back in the room & we had the exchange that opened this tale.

Everybody was kind of hushed when she said that she knew what my visit meant, & somehow got even quieter when I confirmed it with a yeah. When I was 18 I told Frank (Frankie’s father) that the doc said he had a few hours to live. The family wouldn’t do it. Ditto with Jean (Frankie’s mother) although the circumstances were slightly different. So they were worried that Id tell her things they didn’t think she should be bothered with. & I did.

They cleared out & Frankie & I talked for a while.

Who called you to come out here?
Everybody. Lisa, Maria, Johnny even Carrie called & cussed me out cause she didn’t think I was coming
What’d they say? Did they tell you how much time I’ve got?
(12 equals 100, 15 equals 200, etc)
No; no ones said anything about time, just to get out here quick. They wouldn’t tell me anyway they’d be scared I'd tell you. When Frank died they said he had a few hours left. No one would tell him so I went in & told him what the docs had said. He just looked at me & said Is that right? & lived about 15 16 hours longer than they thought, just to piss them off.
She smiled a little at that.
Where’d everyone else go?
I ‘spose they’re outside so we can talk. They think were mad at each other.
Why would they think that?
Cause of the way we argue all the time I guess.
hmmmm
I do love you Frankie
I love you too Michael
(18 gets me 300, 31 is 600)

That was the first time I can recall her telling me she loved me. That was just the way we were not overly emotional with each other.

Lisa came in at some point. After a few minutes I left so they could talk. Had to have a smoke anyway. Turns out there were designated smoking areas other than just being outside. If it seems irreverent that Id smoke while my mother is dying of cancer I smoked before she had it & Ill smoke after. My family is et up with cancer. I’ve lost a great aunt, grandmother, uncle & now mother to it. If I live long enough Ill have it. Smoking has nothing to do with it. Cancer is genetic. Certain things such as smoking can accelerate it (or appear to) in some people but it doesn’t cause it. Frankie never smoked. She hardly ever drank & you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who’s ever heard her cuss. But she had cancer.

They had all told me I wouldn’t recognize her. I didn’t really believe them till I saw her.

Frankie was always small. As Grady (a bass player I used to work with, & a good friend) said about Frankie & Maria they’re petite little ladies. She might have been 120 before the cancer but Id guess closer to 110 or 115. Over the past year her face had been a bit puffy cause of the steroids she was on. & she was very concerned about her appearance. No one but Danny had ever seen her without her wig until this hospital stay, & even then she had a little blue baseball cap shed wear. She was very upset when she lost her hair the first time & had a panic attack when they told her last year that shed lose it again. Southern women aren’t the only ones who would react that way, but I think it hits them harder than say women from Colorado or New York.

Her face was swollen. Not in the bee sting sort of way but in the take off the mask to see Anakin Skywalker sort of way. Her hair was maybe an inch & a half long & grayish more than the brown her hair had been before the cancer. It wasn’t growing as far forward on her scalp as I thought it should either. If I’d have seen her I wouldn’t have realized it was her, just that the poor woman had a nose similar to Frankie’s.

That wasn’t the worst of it though. Her voice was shaky as were her hands. They’d give her Coke or Pepsi in these little Styrofoam cups that maybe held 3 or 4 ounces. I have shot glasses bigger than those. Shed take the cup in her little trembling hands & it’d take her a second to find her mouth with the straw. Shed take a sip or two then hold the cup away from her face & tell someone (usually Danny) to take it from her. She couldn’t sit up (or move herself at all really) so wed have to raise the back of the bed for her to drink. It was pitiful. The first time I saw her drink like that I thought that my ex would break out into tears as she saw it. The last time I saw her drink like that I thought my ex would still be breaking out in tears as she saw it. My ex really did like Frankie & to see her like that would have torn her up. I know it tore me up. That’s where the numbers come in.

12 clicks of the sight on my Garand will get me on target at 100 yards. 15 will make that 200 yards, 18 gets me 300 & so on. From the 100 yard setting its 3 clicks to 200, then 3 to 300, then 4 to 400, 4 to 500, 5 to 600, 5 to 700, 6 to 800, 8 to 900 & 8 more to 1,000 yards. Frankie hadn’t seen me cry since I was 15 or so. She saw me come close in January but close isn’t the same as actually crying. Damned if I was gonna scare her by letting her see her son weeping over her bed. So I would think of the sight adjustments for my rifle. Could have been anything really any simple math just complex enough to distract but not so simple as to not require thought. That helped me maintain my composure. If I were a mechanic I might have thought about compression ratios for my favorite car. I’m a gun nut so I thought about sight adjustments.

I had found a few spots to smoke one close & the other more open. So Id hang out in the room with Frankie except when I went to smoke. At some point I realized that wed been there all day, not just the few hours I thought we would. So I figured I needed to figure out what I was doing.

Frankie, I can go back to Lisa’s & get some sleep or I can stay here if you want me to
Whatever you want to do Michael
No its whatever you want.
Well what do you want to do?
I can go back to Lisa’s if you want or I can stay here. I don’t have any plans. I’ll do whatever you’d like. Do you want me to stay up here with you?
That’d be good
(12 gets me to 100, 17 would be 266.6 yards, then 23 would be)

So it was settled. Lisa took that as a command to stay as well. I wish she hadn’t. Watching someone die isn’t easy. But I didn’t try too hard to convince her to go home.

Johnny called & came by to see me & Lisa at one of the designated smoking sections. He said he didn’t want to see Frankie but he’d like to talk with Danny & Maria. I told him how he wouldn’t recognize her & he started crying which came close to setting me & Lisa off. (12 equals 100, 15 gets me to 200, etc)

He went & talked with Maria & Steve & spoke with Danny for a few minutes. Maria & Steve were in the family waiting area & Danny was in the room. He didn’t leave much. He may have been an ass but he did care about her.

Maria asked me to stay with Frankie while they went & got something to eat in the cafeteria so I told Johnny bye & went back into the room. Frankie & I talked a little bit. I remember telling her that it snowed in Denver the night before I left just a little but enough to see coming down.

I spent most of the night awake. Well all of it really. I tend to be nocturnal anyway & figured Id take the night watch. Danny, Maria, Lisa, & Robin (Danny’s sister) were staying as well but they were trying to get some sleep. Frankie slept most of the night too. Morphine does that to ya. But every now & then shed open her eyes & Id bug her about doing anything for her getting her a drink, adjusting her bed, etc

Danny was constantly bugging her; asking her the same thing over & over again. Usually he was trying to get her to eat. She hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. Morphine coupled with fluid in the abdomen & around the lungs will do that.

The fluid had started building up days before. Her belly looked swollen, almost like she was pregnant. Again this is on a woman who normally wasn’t over 120 pounds if she ever weighed that much. They also found more tumors. First they said five then ten then that her whole spine was eat up with cancer. The tumor in her eye was back, the one in her lung was growing as was the one in her liver. They never mentioned the ones in her brain.

I slept a few hours Saturday morning. Nothing fancy, just pillows & a chair. Luckily all those years on the road playing in bands taught me how to sleep even when it was less than comfortable. I heard Maria talking to me when she thought I was waking up:

The doctor said that Frankie’s lungs will get worse in the next 48 hours
What’d Frankie say?
We ain’t gonna tell her that!
If it’s about her she needs to know
Michael that’d scare her to death
We shouldn’t lie to her

I drifted back off to sleep.

Saturday was a good day for her, considering. The radiation had killed some of the pain. I don’t think she had any morphine at all that day. She was alert & talked a bit. Our cousin Doris came by. Doris was Frankie’s fathers niece & she & Frankie were real close even though Doris was a bit older.

I didn’t talk too much to the family while I was there. I shot the breeze with Steve (Maria’s husband) for a bit & I chatted with Lisa & her g/f Pam when we were out smoking but mainly it was just saying hey to folks I hadn’t seen in a while & talking about what we could do for Frankie. I do recall telling Maria I wouldn’t stay for the funeral; that I had to get back as soon as I could. She said she understood & was just glad I was there now & I told her I just wanted her to know cause I knew how they were about funerals & such.

Things are a bit fuzzy. I recall some conversations but I’m not entirely sure when they happened. Like telling Frankie to try to drink as much as she can so her mouth wouldn’t get dry. I went on to remind her that Frank said that when he was little the old folks always told him to drink a Coca-cola when he was feeling down. Course that was when they used the whole cocoa leaf. She smiled a little at that. I also remember telling her to not let Danny & me & everyone else bug her too much, but every now & then let us do something for her to make us feel like were doing something for her cause it’ll keep us from feeling totally useless.

I remember at some point she had me get her some coke & I helped her drink it (raised the back of the bed, put the cup in her little trembling hands, watched her as she tried to find her lips with the straw, took it from her when she had enough). My ex would have been crying. I would have too. (12 gets me 100 yards, 27 gets me 525, etc)

I thought about & am talking about my ex a lot because of well I’m not sure why. She got along well with Frankie & well we were close for a while. The dynamic of our relationship was probably strange, especially after we broke up. She had two cats & one of them got sick. Cancer. Fluid around the lungs. I helped her take care of the cat after I moved out. Hell, I spent more time with the cats then I did with her (she was a student, incredibly busy & traveled a lot. I even joked to some degree that I was never her b/f just her cat sitter) so I did it for the cat as much as for her. But I always tried to take care of her in some way. I cared for her that much & at some point when she saw me tending to the cat she said she thought Id make a good husband & a good father. Shame I didn’t make a better b/f but such is life. & maybe it’s that she liked seeing my protective side that made me think so much of her when I was with Frankie that last week cause since Frank & Jean passed I really hadn’t used it to any great extent except with her.

*I also thought of another ex but didn’t mention it when I originally penned this piece. She was an ex-lover, not a g/f, but the distinguishment is only technical. I felt as much caring from her as I have from anyone, possibly more so. But at the time I wrote this she had moved on to something else & I had kept quiet about how I cared for her. We were still friends & I didn’t wish to disturb that – she seemed happy. But I thought of her often & almost called her a time or too. Her voice always gave me comfort though I doubt she realized it. Besides, I didn’t want to risk breaking down in front of anyone, especially her. So I didn’t make too many calls even though maybe I should have. She was a nursing student & whenever she came across an article about some new treatment for cancer she’d send it to me. I never found anything that could help Frankie but the fact that she took the time & effort & had the thought to send them really touched me. & made me kick myself a little harder than usual for letting her drift away.

Saturday I borrowed Lisa’s car to go get mine from her house. I went by Bojangles (which due to its absence out here I regard as a delicacy) & grabbed a quick shower. My car is my life. I have my cigarettes in there, my phone charger, cds, rifles, guitar, etc & being away from it was nagging on me. I should have grabbed some sleep but I didn’t want to be gone too long & it was a 45 minute drive to the hospital.

I stayed up with Frankie again. She was sleeping but a bit more restlessly. Her leg would twitch every now & then. Shed wake up & we talk briefly before she drifted off again. This time it was Danny, Maria, Robin, Elsie (Danny’s mother), Lisa & me in the room with her.

Danny had a brother named Ray who died from cancer about 15 years ago. That’s partially why his family was staying up there with him; the other part is that they just always seemed nice. Elsie always grated me for some reason (& I think Frankie as well shed usually stay at home on thanksgiving & such instead of going over there) but she was always real nice.

Wes, the preacher at Frankie & Maria’s church was up there constantly. He’d go home at night but he’d stay up there for hours every day. Elizabeth was up there a lot as well. She was a good friend of Frankie’s. In fact she sang at Frank & Jeans respective funerals. I never could stand her singing way too much vibrato; reminded me of a lady singing with a tummy exercising belt strapped around her turned on high; always implied the note, never directly hitting it on purpose unless it was a really short one syllable word she came across but Frankie & Maria liked it so I did a good bit of tongue biting when she was around. At some point she started singing spontaneously in the room. I left very quickly. I figured they just thought I was getting emotional but it was to remove the temptation to tell her that I’ve heard two cats in heat who never really liked each other to begin with sound more melodic than she does.

Anyway I kept asking Frankie if she was in pain & she kept saying no. She probably was but didn’t want to let on. In any event she didn’t have any morphine till the next day.

I grabbed my sleeping bag from my car & spread it out on the floor by the window. Sunday morning I got 5 hours or so of sack time. Johnny had come by but Maria kept Lisa from waking me up on account of me needing sleep. Plum wore out was what was used to expound upon that from what I was told.

I got up & went down to the gift shop. It was Mothers Day after all. I never was good about getting Frankie things for her birthday or Mothers day or Christmas but I figured she might like something. I ended up getting her flowers & a little blue teddy bear that matched the color of the ballcap she wore in place of her wig. They had started the morphine again. This time a time release pill with 2cc shots in her I.V. as needed. She was a bit drowsy but when someone said something about the flowers she said they were pretty & when I gave her the bear she took it in her hand & said Thank you Michael. (12 equals 100, 37 gets me right at 720 yards)

That night her breathing was getting bad. More labored is probably a better description. I had a chat with Danny earlier about not crying in front of her. He seemed to listen as he cut down a bit on that afterwards. We also talked about what she knew & what she should be told. He claimed she knew everything. My main concern was that she had asked earlier when the doctors said she could go home. He told me that they’d talked about it before & that she didn’t want to die in her house. It made sense as they bought the home they lived in as a transitional one & intended on finding something they liked better. But he told me that she knew everything that he did & that they’d talked about it all & he was doing what she wanted even though he didn’t agree. For instance she had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order a few days before over his objections. Or maybe it was the form saying she didn’t want to be kept alive on a ventilator. I forget exactly which it was but he was trying to talk her out of it, yet went along when she put her foot down.

Frankie & I talked a lot, or at least often. Not usually about such serious things but despite it seeming otherwise we were as close as I’ve ever been to anyone in the family, except maybe for Frank & Jean. I’d have taken on the whole family hell the whole hospital if they tried to go against her wishes. Danny assured me that they were doing as she wanted so that made me feel a little better. But I was there now not just to cheer her up in her last days but to do whatever I could for her. Protecting her from the family trying to protect her seemed the most likely task.

Carol was another good friend of Frankie’s. She had breast cancer & was doing well but she had helped Frankie through her first bout & they’d been close to some degree ever since. So she was up there Sunday as well. Doris stopped by with Jennifer (her daughter, who’s about 30 & has Downs Syndrome) & Dion (her son who’s in his 40s now). Dion talked with Frankie a bit. I was in the room with them & he was reminiscing about her & Maria taking him to see Elvis back in 76. (Doris was the biggest Elvis fan but she was sick when he came to town.) Frankie remembered that & me saying I didn’t want to go because Bugs Bunny was coming on (I was 5 at the time).

While smoking I made some friends. One was a janitor who came round & swept up the ashtrays in the designated smoking area in the garage. Another was a fellow who was having hip surgery. Seems he was shot ten years before & there was a complication with the rod in his hip. Of course we talked about wound ballistics & that he should be glad it was a 9mm instead of something more powerful. He asked why I was there since I didn’t seem sick or medical & I told him I was visiting my mom. He asked if shed be in there long & I told him shed be going home any day now. (15 gets me to 200 & 29 puts me on at 560 yards)

I came back from smoking & everyone was in the hall. I thought she might have passed while I was gone. I asked Maria & she just said they were changing her colonoscopy bag. I started to walk in & Maria told me it smells horrible in there. I went in anyway wondering how many times Frankie changed my diaper despite the smell. When Lisa came back in the room I asked her to crush up some of the flower pedals behind her & put them on Frankie’s chest. She asked why & I told her it might make her smell the flowers instead of the contents of her colonoscopy bag. No idea if it helped or not as Frankie seemed to be asleep.

That night I got into it with Danny. Or came close. Actually I came close to snapping his neck. Frankie was awake at some point & Danny was asleep in a chair beside her. I talked to her a bit & she was having trouble getting words out. I asked if she was in pain & she said no. I had her squeeze my fingers as I place them inside her palm & was about to make sure she wasn’t hurting when Danny woke up & started pestering her. Asking a bunch of questions rapidly & saying huh before moving on to the next as she was struggling to answer. He had crowded between her & I & I leaned over to try to calm him down a little.

She’s having trouble talking so try to ask her things that she can say yes or no to.
Huh? WhaMicheal would you just shut up a minute I’m trying to talk with my wife!

Danny is about my height. He has a big belly & isn’t in great physical shape. Very quickly I reasoned that me going to jail for snapping him in two wouldn’t help Frankie. It would have been easy though.

Maria, Frankie’s having trouble saying big words. Try to get Danny to just ask her yes or no questions.
I ain’t saying nothing. Its been Frankie & Danny for a long time & I’m not getting in the middle of it.

I left, thinking of Danny laying unconscious beside the window I would miss throwing him out of on purpose.

That morning (Monday the 15th) the docs came in & said she had a few hours. If she hadn’t heard the docs saying it shed have guessed from the way everyone got up around her bed & started telling her they loved her & crying.

I called Johnny around 6 a.m. & told him what the docs had said. He was torn up & asked if he could do anything. So I told him to call my ex & let her know what was going on. Gave him the number & told him to tell her not to call me. She & I hadn’t spoken in months & I didn’t want this to be the reason we started talking again. Besides I think she’s pretty much done with me & it’d be best to leave her alone for me as well as her. But she liked Frankie & always asked about her & told me to let her know how she was even when it didn’t seem like wed be talking again. Id asked Lisa to call her the night before but she didn’t get around to it. & Johnny & her got along well so I figured it’d give him something to do & not be so much a shock coming from him.

I had my phone off. A few phones rang earlier that day & even though mine was set to vibrate instead of ring I just shut the damn thing off. Besides the alarm kept going off randomly & I didn’t want Frankie to hear a series of beeps right before she went. So I didn’t hear the phone ring when my ex called & left me a message. I doubt Id have answered anyway; it was hard enough listening to her message. She was very sad about the whole thing.

I called Grady as well. Frankie always asked about him, more than any of the other musicians I played with. He was close to her age & a charmer as she put it. He & I were real close for a long time & he had lost his mother to cancer when he was 16 or so. He never answers his phone so I left a message & he left one back. I can’t remember if I told Frankie about him calling or not. She was asleep & I don’t know if she would have heard, but she was always glad when I told her about talking with Grady. I think she was hoping he’d find me a gig in the Carolinas so I could move back, but she might have just liked hearing about him as he was doing well down in Myrtle Beach.

At some point early that morning (but after the docs came in) Frankie woke up a little. She had been sleeping but she suddenly popped open her eyes & arched her back a little. Danny grinned & said look at that! She’s trying to get up. The second time she did it (a few minutes later) I realized she was in pain. I should have had them call the nurse & get her some morphine but really I was too shocked that she was hurting that bad & that Danny couldn’t see it. He desperately didn’t want to lose her, not just cause he cared about her but he was co-dependant on her.

Another doc walked in a second later (literally) & asked how she was. I immediately blurted out that she was in pain while Danny was trying to say she wanted to get up out of the bed. She lurched again as she had before & the doc called for a nurse to install a morphine drip. She didn’t seem to hurt again after that. 2ccs an hour kept her asleep.

I asked Maria about some water or lip balm for Frankie so her lips wouldn’t get dried out as she seemed to be breathing through her mouth. Maria just said that Frankie was fine in a way that I knew. Maria had about as much sleep as I did & wasn’t at all happy about losing her sister. She didn’t think anything else could be done & didn’t want to be reminded of it.

Later that day Danny decided to move her a bit. The day before she asked him to move her closer to the center of the bed & she had drifted to her right since then. When he moved her he did something to her leg & she opened her eyes. So he did it again telling her how happy he was to see her pretty eyes open. I quietly said that she was in pain when he did that & he stopped. If he’d have tried again Id have snapped his hand off at the wrist.

She slept. Her breathing was in a strange rhythm. Two or three short breaths followed by a long one then a slightly longer than usual pause between them. But it was steady. I just watched her breath, ignoring what anyone else was talking about. (16 gets me to 233.3 yards, 52 puts me on at 925, 47 gets me 867.5 yards)

Now we were involved in our final argument whether I could stay awake longer than she could stay alive. I had a total of 16 hours of sleep since I left Colorado 5 days before. Id been awake since around noon the day before & I was tired as hell. But I wanted to stay awake, not so much to see her last breath (there are a few people whose last breath Id like to see, but Frankie wasn’t one of them), but to make sure she didn’t need anything up to that. & partly to make sure Danny didn’t do something damn fool like take her off the morphine to talk with her again or see her open her eyes or something. I don’t think he would have ever done anything to intentionally hurt her. Negligently is another story.

Around 6 p.m. or so she won. I had my sleeping bag propped up beside where I was sitting. Except for that nap on Saturday morning I had been sitting on the floor to the right side of her bed against the cabinet where the sink was. Not sure if I was more like a statue or a watch dog as that had been my spot since I arrived & Id sit there for hours just watching her, waiting to see if she needed anything. I put on my shades & leaned my head over on the bag & slept for about 2 hours. When I woke up she was still breathing. There was a longer pause though between that long breath & the shorter ones. Two, sometimes three second would go by. & my heart stopped every time she paused like that, thinking it was the last pause shed take.

I guess while I was asleep someone asked a nurse & she brought in a little foam sponge on a stick cause I saw Danny & then Lisa wiping her lips with it. It was just water but it kept her lips from chapping as she breathed through her mouth. I doubt seriously that Frankie would have noticed chapped lips. I hope the morphine made her unaware of anything but the dreams she was having about horses or Elvis or whatever else she dreamed about. But she would have wanted us to keep her lips from chapping, so we did.

Watching someone breathe is not easy, especially when they’re having trouble doing it. But I watched, like we all did. Occasionally someone would talk to her or to each other. Both of Maria’s children were there (her son Chris had flown in from New York on Saturday), Maria’s sister-in-law Trina & her daughter Jennifer, Wes, Danny, Elsie, Carol, Maria, Steve, Elizabeth, Pam, Lisa & me. It was a roomful to say the least. Around midnight I went down for a smoke but decided to grab something to eat first. A couple of slices of pizza & a cigarette later & I was back in the room.

Her breathing was different. One long breath, then a pause, then another long breath, then a pause. I started counting the pauses. Three, four, sometimes five seconds. Danny was barely awake beside her, holding her hand. She sounded a bit congested so I asked Danny if there was anything the nurses could do to clear it up. It wasn’t the fluid on her lungs, it just sounded like she needed to cough & I figured the morphine was making her too weak to cough. I knew they had done something to clear out her air passages before but Danny said there wasn’t anything that could be done. Maria was stirring a bit by then & noticed the pause. This was longer; maybe seven or eight seconds. Maria woke up Lisa & Steve jerked awake & everyone rushed to the bedside. I counted to ten & knew I could keep counting forever. I didn’t need to recite sight adjustments in my head anymore.

I left, rather quickly. I went to the waiting room to see if any family was in there, then went back to grab my sleeping bag. Someone, I forget who told me that she was gone. I was pretty choked up & just said I know as I walked out. It was 1:30 a.m. E.S.T. She made it around 20 hours longer than the docs thought. Frank would have been proud.

Frankie Jean Harrington Webster was born on Valentines Day of 1953. Cancer got her in January of 2001 but she didn’t accept it till the Tuesday after Mothers Day of 06.

Do You Lie?

2006-09-20T03:50:00.000-06:00

This should be interesting. For me at least. I've been writing on a blog for close to 4 years now. But it's been psuedononymous & mainly about a single topic. I rarely would write anything about myself. So I feel kind of odd writing about me personally. I feel odder that someone is reading it. But here goes...

(BTW, on my real blog I've been using song titles as post titles for a while. I see no reason to stop the trend & this one is a rather cute little ditty by Prince off the Under The Cherry Moon soundtrack - the album is called Parade & it has only superficial relevance to the topic I'm discussing - it's really just a cute song).

I was born the son of a sharecropper back in 18... er, wait. sorry.

I'm a guitarist. That's not just what I do (or did) but who I am. When I was 9 my mother got guitar lessons for me. They lasted 3 weeks before she & I had a fight & I quit. But I kept the guitar. By the time I was 13 I had a band. By the time I was 15 I had a band that gigged. Played my first bar a few weeks before I turned 16. When I was little i wanted to go in the Army & become a Ranger (I would have been 3rd generation military). That first gig ending any professional martial aspirations I had. From the time I was 16 till I was 30 I made my living mainly by playing music (minus a short hiatus while I discovered college wasn't all it was cracked up to be - for me at least).

Being a musician meant a few other things. I got routinely stopped by cops (I fit the "profile" but since I never got into drugs I never got busted) & it was assumed I was a slut.

Well I kinda was, I was just a very selective slut. I am not bragging - I was very fortunate to make the acquaintance of most of the ladies I have known. But I wouldn't sleep with someone just to have sex. There had to be a beauty to the person. At first it was physical but as I grew older it had to be internal as well as external. I have standards way beyond my perceived means & most of the women I've had the pleasure of knowing have been extremely beautiful. So much so that I'd look at a couple & think "I cant believe she's going out with that dog" only to realize it was a long mirror.

I became very good at sex. Not just the act, but the other aspects - the seduction, the teasing, the flirting. Again I am not trying to brag or boast; I'm very fortunate to have the experiences I've had. I'm just saying that I became very skilled through the lifestyle that I lived. & perhaps the most important thing I discovered was how to tell who I felt an attraction for & vice versa. That's really important but it's another topic so I'll leave it be for now.

Another factor is that I'm a little larger than average. It varies (based on experience I reckon) as to how much larger but generally I've been physically able to surpass any pre-seduction expectations.

Which leads me to an issue I think I've been having, mainly in theory but I am wondering a wee bit about a current situation or perhaps a current potential situation, hypothermically (as it likely will have a "cold" ending - did I mention I cancelled my subscription to The Optimist Times?).

It sounds all kind of egotistical but I've been wondering for a while if some of the women I've had something long term with really cared about me or if it was just the sex. & I've been through the opposite side of that myself - wondering if I cared for a person or just really liked the way the sex worked out. I've come (bad puns are always intentional) to recognize when I'm feeling an attraction due to one or the other (& occasionally both) but I've never completely figured out how to tell another person's motivation. I believe a recent (relatively - & no that doesn't mean a cousin - it means within the last decade) g/f was mainly attracted to me for the sex & lacked anything more than a superficial caring. But I could be mistaken. She was in school & very consumed with it (then again the last 3 relationships of more than a casual nature involved students) so I could be misunderstanding how she showed she cared.

But how to tell? Longevity doesn't seem to be it (of the relationship I mean - despite the rumors no one has died from the sheer shock of dating me) as the ex in question was with me for years. & she did care to some degree.

I haven't been in a committed relationship since August of 2004. Since then I've mainly been playing the field as it were to varying degrees of success. & it's nothing I've been really regretting for its own sake (though at the moment I'm not really exploring that world). I know a lot of guys who want women around just for sex. I'm close to the opposite - I want sex just for the women. The act itself is cool & I wouldn't want to become celibate, but it's the mental & emotional desire that always attracted me & it has to be associated with a specific woman & her qualities, not just any pretty face with nice legs & a cute smile (though those never hurt. much. at first). To put it simply I love women. A woman's curves, smells, tastes, mannerisms, gestures, etc... Misogynist I am not.

So for me it's rarely about the sex itself (although I have been floored on occasion, literally & figuratively) - it's been about the woman. But I've never been able to understand what attracts a woman to a man, let alone to me specifically. Not that I'm going to go checking the teeth of any gift horses, I'm just saying that it hinders my understanding of what a woman sees in me or anyone else.

The majority of people who read this will be women, & some of you have known me intimately. So you tell me - how do I tell when it's a caring for me as opposed to someone just really digging the sex or a combination of both?

The Difference Is Why

2006-09-20T02:39:00.000-06:00

Lenny Kravitz. I never cared for him that much but there are a few tunes of his I'm in love with. The title of this post (The Difference Is Why) is an interesting one. Here's a band called Four Day Creep doing the tune. But there are two more that are deeper in my affection.

Rosemary. A very simple sweet little tune about a little girl who was abandoned & has nothing but her faith. I almost worked with a guy (helluva guitar player & singer) who did a real nice version of this tune so maybe that's what got me, but still it's nice enough that you should check it out if you’re inclined to very simple sweet little tunes. Alas Youtube let me down on this one so you'll have to scrounge for it yourself.

The other comes from my stripper days. No; I was never a stripper (except for that one semester in college but the refunds killed me) but I've been friends with strippers & was in a very pro-stripper band (which is kinda like being in a pro-car auto dealership).

The idea was whenever we hit a new town we'd scout out the closest strip bar or bars & get to know as many of the dancers as we could. But not for the reasons you think.

A bar sells drinks mainly to guys. So if you want to keep guys in a bar you either have to establish a He-Man woman hater's club or fill the joint with lovely & enticing young lasses. Strippers fit the latter (though it can lead to the urge to start the former) in spades. Or at least in very tall heels.

So if we'd get a dancer or two dozen to come hang out (that pun was unintentional - they were generally clothed at our gigs) we'd usually have a good night. Business wise that is. Bar business wise. I mean we sold a lot of drinks - & selling drinks indirectly is a band's main job. (Art? Isn’t he the VIP bartender???)

We even managed to land a gig at a strip club. 2 months every Friday & Saturday. Easiest gig of my disturbed life. We could fuck up numerous times in a row & as long as the drummer kept a steady beat (on the drums you pervs!) no one noticed. or cared. Not even us.

Then again that's about the same time I discovered the true nature of stripper drama (those chicks in high school were amateurs!) but that's a story hidden behind a few very carefully sets crafted mental blocks. I shall type of it no more lest the Day-mares come back.

Really I had some friends who were dancers & they were cool, but I was never infatuated with the concept. I got teased on about half my dates so paying a cover for it wasn't anything new, novel or exciting. I always thought it was kinda sad really - most dancers (but not all) developed a very bad attitude towards men in & out of the clubs. Can't say as I blame them considering their work environment but between that & the all-too-common drug/alcohol/Llama addictions it just wasn't my scene. So I had stripper friends but never really fell for one. At least a practicing stripper.

Anyway at a strip bar we used to hang at they played this one Kravitz tune with some frequency & it grew on me, & not just because of the very lovely dancer who used it in her routine. Again a very simple song (but not quite as simple as Rosemary mainly due to a mildly sophisticated bridge) about a guy on the road missing a girl who was not on the road.

Can't Get You Off My Mind. Here's the vid. Here's Kravitz doing it acoustic.

A sample of the lyrics:

"Life is just a lonely highway I'm out here on the open road
I'm old enough to see behind me But young enough to feel my soul
I don't wanna lose you baby And I don't wanna be alone
Don't wanna live my days without you But for now I've got to be without you
I've got a pocket full of money And pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But then I think of lovin' And I just can't get you off of my mind"

Now Ill be up front; I’m a guitarist. I’ve played a helluva lot of songs. Last time I tried it I spent a few hours & came up with about 500 tunes I could play off the top of my head. I don’t usually attach any special meaning to a song aside from what it creates itself. There are a few tunes that remind me of specific people or places but for the most part I just like songs for their own sake.

That being said this one doesn’t so much remind me of any specific lady, but how it feels to miss someone. When you play for a living you usually have to do some traveling. I sure as hell did & at times I miss it. But I recall how it felt to be gone for a few weeks when there was someone I wanted nothing more than to be with. I’m not on the road now (hell I’m not even gigging steady) & if I’m missing someone now that’s strictly between me & her but I still feel what this song was created by. That desire, that longing that you feel for someone you want to be with but circumstances prevent it. Its a helluva lot different than missing someone who doesn’t give a damn.

Lets look at the mildly sophisticated bridge:

"Am I a fool to think that there's a little hope tell me baby
What are the rules the reasons and the do's and don'ts
Tell me baby tell me baby
What do you feel inside? "

Course it doesn’t have the full effect w/o the music & melody but I don’t want this to turn into a music theory discussion. Besides as much as instrumentalists try to make it so a song is still about the words; what they say & what they make you feel.

This bridge typifies the frustration you feel. Or at least I’ve felt. The bottom line is that when you leave the presence of your lover there’s no guarantee that you’ll ever see them again. It’s a silly thing to fear but when you’re traveling its sort of amplified (or when there’s a longer than desirable absence). The song expresses a guy doubting if the other person feels the same, wants a clear explanation of what he should or shouldn’t do (guys are generally clueless about this kinda thing I know I sure as hell am) & asks how the hell she feels about him, them & the whole situation.

I doubt it’ll ever win a Grammy (it only reached #62 on the Billboard chart back in '95) but it does a good job of expressing what a guy feels when he misses someone he cares deeply for. & if you’re thinking the last part of the chorus is about sex, you damn right.

"But then I think of lovin' And I just can't get you off of my mind"

I hate to break this to y’all but guys tend to equate sex with love &/or security. A lot of guys look at it the wrong way that sex is the goal & only thing that matters. But I always viewed it as simply a very easy & reliable means of expressing desire. & that desire is the source of the seemingly idiotic & selfish stuff that we do.

See its not the sex itself. I mean its great & all, but its a means to an end, or an expression of being on the right path at least. When I want to have sex with a woman its not just because I’ve been grumpy & someone told me I should get laid (despite the frequency of that occurring). It’s because I feel some sort of desire from that woman & wish to feel a similar desire from her.

So that’s what I think Kravitz is trying to express that despite any & everything he could be doing when he feels that desire well up within him its only for her. I assume that her was/is Lisa Bonet (or Lilakoi Moon as she changed her name) as they had been on again off again for a long damn time, but it’s irrelevant.

What is relevant is that if you ever missed someone because of distance or other non-I don’t ever want to see you again related causes then this song doesn’t do a bad job of capturing that feeling, at least from a male perspective. Hell it might at least help you understand what some guy who you think is missing you is going through. Or just be a cute little tune you play on occasion.

Songs mean different things to different folks. Disagreements about meanings are expected & not something that particularly matters. What any of these songs means to you isn’t something I could correct you on. But for the helluvit give them a listen sometime & see what you think.

Harrington's Page

2006-02-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

These are the posts that should give a glimpse into my world, perhaps more so than the other scribblings under this url. They're listed alphabetically.

But I Don't Feel Retarded

Do You Lie?

Extraordniary Machine

FJHW Updated

Harrington

Knights In Armor Bent On Chivalry

The Meeting

Selling The Drama

The Slut

Why I'm Not A Musician And Other Tales

The Why Of Harrington

The Why Of Harrington And JAG

Workin' For A Living

JAG's Page

2006-02-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Posts concerning JAG, listed alphebtically.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Anytime?

FJHW Updated

JAG

Kissing A Fool

The Meeting

The Why Of Harrington And JAG

The Why Of JAG

The Why Of Harrington And JAG

2006-02-06T02:03:00.000-07:00

She & I met through a dating service in late February of '05. She was just getting out of a relationship & I was too (though I was still holding on). We thought we were both looking for the same thing (something casual) & we started seeing each other.

The problem was you can't see someone for any length of time unless you either like them or are just using them. Unfortunately we weren't just using each other.

I was trying to be stoic about things even after I knew she cared. But what I didn't realize fully was that I had started to care as well. In fact most of what I'll write I didn't realize at the time or accept in the way I should have. Some of it I've only really understood in the last few weeks.

Anyway she cared & I did too but neither wanted to bring up the idea of things being more serious than they were. She told me simply that she didn't think I wanted anything serious & I had incorrectly assumed the same thing about her. So we saw each other in a casual manner.

What was going on underneath it all was that I had realized that I felt very secure with her, yet I was afraid she'd bail if I brought up the idea of taking things to the next level. In short I ended up waiting too long.

I'm sure she knew I cared to some extent but she concluded that it wasn't enough to make things more than what they were. So she bailed on me when someone else promising came along.

She had wanted acceptance from me. She viewed me as an equal & in some cases admired me & sought a tangible public sign of acceptance from me. A big declaration would have been just the ticket I think, coupled with a commitment but she wanted some acceptance from me that she had more value than just as a casual date. She had went out of her way for me on a few occasions & told me (long after we had stopped seeing each other) that she even felt love for me at some point. But when the acceptance she wanted didn't come she shut those feelings down & decided to move on.

It wasn't devastating when she did so. I didn't lose sleep over it or otherwise suffer ill effects. That's because I went numb. I was close to working up the courage to ask her for something more serious & had broken all ties with any other romantic interests. I had been seeing only her for about a month (& she had seen no one else but me the entire time, aside from a date or two towards the end). But even then I didn't realize how much I cared, just that I cared more than a little. I also didn't realize the effect of her actions on me over the next year & a half.

She wished to be friends & stay in touch. I assumed she'd call for a few weeks then as she got more secure in her relationship with the other guy drift away. She didn't.

I was firm that it was not a good idea for us to see each other while she was dating someone else. I told her it was so I wouldn't make a fool of myself if I lost my head & tried to seduce her but in reality I was just too jealous. I simply did not want to see her when she was obligated to someone else. Plus pragmatically if I did try to seduce her (as I probably would have) & she didn't reject my advances then I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship should we ever hook back up. If I did seduce her that'd have created problems for me & her as well as for her & her b/f. In all things I have never wanted to make life more difficult or unpleasant for her.

So we'd talk. Either I'd call her or we'd find each other on messenger. By the fall her schedule was getting full so we didn't talk quite as often but we did make time to catch up with each other every week to ten days or so.

I was dating around but only casually. I wouldn't get involved in anything serious. I thought it was because I just wanted to play the field for a while but in truth it was because I couldn't stop thinking of JAG.

My b-day rolled around & I hear nothing from her. I was hurt by this but played it off because likely she just forgot the day it fell on. Besides, she had a b/f in her life & her b-day hadn't rolled around yet so she didn't know how I expected her to act.

On her b-day I sent her presents & cards & even offered to meet her the night before. I did this at the risk of some emotional damage but it was her b-day & while I was telling myself we would never see each other as lovers again I still cared for her greatly, both as a friend & as someone I was interested in. She ended up canceling because her b/f had made other plans.

After her b-day i didn't hear from her for a few weeks. This was longer than normal & I was getting concerned. She called while I was on a trip & told me her b/f had made an issue of the card I sent because I referred to her as "sweetie". I apologized & we joked & she said she had just been out of town a lot but I knew what was going on.

The nosy as little motherfucker had used my card, something I tried to do to be nice to my friend, as a catalyst for exerting emotional control over her. She hadn't been in touch because she felt some sort of guilt over contacting me, even though she knew his objections were bullshit. so she didn't communicate for a few weeks, either to placate his jealousy or to distance herself from me & any guilt she might have felt under the circumstances.

But I wimped out. With any other friend I'd have cautioned her about such behavior in a b/f. with her I told myself that if I said anything it'd seem like I was trying to get her back & I did not want to interfere in her relationship. So for the sake of feeling righteous about my intent I let her down as a friend.

We didn't talk as much as we had before. Whether this was residual fall out from her b/f's jealousy or a result of timing I don't know. She would send me articles about cancer if she thought they would be of interest to me. But we talked in real time only a few times a month at most.

She was living with her b/f by this point & I had 2 women I was seeing on a casual basis. The problem on my end was I couldn't care for them the way I cared for JAG. It was an even bigger problem because I didn't realize this was why I kept things casual. when I was with them I'd often think of her (though unintentionally) & when she & I did chat any mention of her b/f would cause jealousy in me. I'd usually "have to go" suddenly when she mentioned him in some way & it got to the point where she'd say she was sorry at times when she mentioned him.

When Frankie passed she called me. Everyone else I had sent an e-mail to about her passing had replied via e-mail. But JAG called. This was not exceptional except that it had been a while since we talked on the phone & the compassion in her voice was unmistakable. The girl cared about me; that was beyond doubt if it ever was in question.

By late June & throughout July she was calling more often. I thought this was just because she liked to talk to me (& in part it was) but unbeknownst to me she & her b/f were having problems. She never mentioned it to me; we just chatted as we always had. So I think she was calling because she needed something from me. Whether it was some sort of security or acceptance or something else I do not know for certain. It could very well be that she just wanted to hear my voice because she knew I cared about her without demanding anything from her.

In late July she told me that she & her b/f were close to breaking up. When she did something snapped in me. I mean that it triggered the emotions I had for her but had been suppressing all this time. I tried to be cool but I saw my actions as being selfish more than friendly though I tried to be as friend like as I could.

A few days later she told me she was thinking of giving things another try with him. My reaction was perhaps the most selfish & wrong single thing I did with her. I wrote her a big dramatic explanation of my actions & declared my feelings & intentions for her. Why was this wrong you may ask? Because of my motive.

Subconsciously I wanted her to leave him with the intent of seeing me again. this would, in my subconscious mind, erase all the damage she had done. It wouldn't have worked that way but that's what I thought. & the damage was greater than I realized.

The damage is my own fault, but it was done through her actions.

I didn't give her the acceptance she needed to stay with me, so she moved on. But when she stopped seeing me to see someone else she took all the security & trust I had in her & crumpled it. It wasn't a case of being ground level, it was subterranean. I wasn't the most important guy in her life anymore as I had thought I would be for some time. I knew she'd abandon me because she did. That led me to wonder if she gave a damn about me at all or if I was just serving some material or emotional purpose in her life. In other words it left me feeling used & unwanted.

But I didn't realize this consciously therefore I didn't seek to address it. I tried to do what Jean had done to me; forgive & forget. In theory that's fine & I'm all in favor of forgiveness. But if you wish to continue any sort of relationship, be it platonic or intimate, then you have to deal with those emotions & let the other person know they're there.

She didn't leave him then but assured me that she cared & wanted us to stay in touch. She did so in such a way that I knew her decision wasn't permanent & likely wouldn't last long. She wanted us to keep in touch even if I moved because she said we could never know what would happen down the road.

She liked the idea of having me as an option even if she didn't want to pursue that option. Not that her intent was to use me, but that she felt some sort of security & caring from me that she didn't want to lose, even if our contact was minimal.

What I did next was almost as bad as what I had done (in sending her the declatory letter). I sent her another e-mail that was no more than a plea for attention wrapped up in an apology. I wouldn't quite say it was passive aggressive but it was emotionally manipulative. I didn't consciously intend for it to be so but that's how it came out.

We saw each other a week later & she told me she had broken up with her b/f. she also told me that the last e-mail was bullshit & I agreed. But we never really discussed why it was bullshit or what was underlying it. That was because I started being affectionate with her from almost the second she told me she was single.

It's not just that I'm physically attracted to her; it's that emotionally & mentally I need to be affectionate with her. Not just to gain her acceptance in my mind, but to show my acceptance of her. I care for her greatly & I manifest that as being physically affectionate.

I also did something I had meant to do a year before but never quite gotten around to it (though I came close a time or two); I told her that I loved her. I spoke the words.

I had told other people I loved them before during & since I was seeing JAG in '05. & I meant it every single time. But with her it was slightly different. It was more intense, more passionate and more hopeful than with anyone else. The feeling I mean, not my enunciation. She never said anything but instead kissed me, very passionately.

I could have seduced her, or came very close, but I reasoned that she was too newly broken up with her ex & it might do more harm than good to her & to us. so I held back.

Our visit that night did two things two her that served to freak her out: It reminded her that even though it'd been more than a year since we saw each other that she was still very strongly attracted to me & that I ad control of things in that regard. She had a hard time saying no to me & likely if I'd have pursued things she wouldn't have said no. But I could stop myself. I'm not sure which bothered her more but I'd think it was the latter.

She stood me up a few weeks later. I didn't hear from her for 10 days & I was greatly troubled by this, all out of proportion to what it was. This was due to my being overly sensitive to loss because of Frankie's passing, coupled with the abandonment concerns that I had. I could not fathom why she didn't want me in her life or why she'd cast me out of hers in such a way.

When she came back around I was again too forgiving. Not that I should have busted her chops about it but we should have talked about what she did & why she did it & the effect it had on me. But I still didn’t realize that the security I had with her had been damaged so much. This furthered the damage, again unbeknownst to me consciously.

She had disappeared because she was under great emotional strain & just couldn't deal with any of it. She withdrew from everyone except her family. I think part of this was she felt out of control of her emotions. She didn't want to be in any situation where her emotions would inspire actions that she might not want otherwise. It just freaked her out that the bond she had to me was as strong as it was. She coached it in terms of a physical attraction but there was more to it than that; it was emotional as well.

But I had done damage to her first; I didn't give her acceptance when she wanted it. So for her to feel a strong attraction to someone who hadn't given her acceptance was dangerous to her emotionally.

We saw each other a few weeks later but instead of talking about our situation we became involved again, albeit casually.

Fast forwarding over the next few months we saw each other a few times. We fell out (albeit mildly) once. I had written her a letter while I was upset & uncertain of her intent towards me. I was feeling like a lower priority than I thought I should have & clumsily tried to express my disappointment at that. she took offense to the letter in some way & avoided me for about a week. When she called she said we had differing expectations & she wished for us to be nothing but friends.

A caveat - she & I have never been platonic when in each other's presence; save the night we first met. She still called us friends during those periods where we were involved.

I freaked out. Not outwardly but internally. I thought she was telling me she didn't care & I just couldn't accept that when I was so certain of her caring at times. She called back a few days later & we sorted that out, albeit loosely. We agreed to be platonic for a while & that I would give her space.

What happened on her end was that she was stressed & feeling pressured & thought I was about to become possessive of her. Whatever her feelings for me were she didn't want to be possessed or tied down in any way. Not that she was out with a different guy every night, but she liked having the freedom of not being expected to do or not do something. She wanted to build her life again. She saw me as a threat to that in some way & she started to become more withdrawn from me from that point on (actually about a week prior).

In any case we saw each other a few times, always at her request. I was playing it as cool as I could & thought I was doing a good job. The last time we saw each other though things didn't go well for her.

Without going into too much detail you can tell someone that you accept them but that is no substitute for actions showing that acceptance. Despite wanting to i could not act in a manner that she would have viewed as me being accepting of her. This distressed her to the point of tears. In addition I had trouble sleeping & kept waking her u so the next day I felt I had wore out my welcome, though she contended that she was just being grumpy.

Again I had been a bit too clingy though honestly I thought things went okay until the point of contention arouse. The night before she tried to talk to me about us. She coached it in astrological terms, "I'm a Sagittarius & you're a Scorpio". She explained that this mean she was light while I was heavy & dark.

What I believe she was trying to get out was that we had some differences that troubled her & made her think we were incompatible. But it was her timing that made me think it was something deeper than that. We had a less than pleasant evening & she was still upset with me over it. So she tried to rationalize why she had given up on gaining my acceptance & it came out in her mind as she & I being not as compatible as she needed.

I mean that while she probably meant what she was trying to tell me that the reason she felt that way was because I had once again failed to give her the acceptance she needed from me, though this time it was more physical than emotional.

We talked after that night & I think we both thought we had straightened things out to the point that we were cool.

Then she distanced herself from me. I didn't see it as that at the time but looking back I can reach no other conclusion from her lack of contact. It led to her ignoring me on my b-day & me not taking that well.

I saw it as a rejection of the worst sort; how could she care if she couldn't even see me or at least call me on my b-day? So I went into fight or flight mode landing firmly on flight.

My message was cryptic but I disassociated myself from her that night.

The next day she disassociated herself from me, though with some ambiguity. she never said she wanted to break off all contact, though she never said she wished to stay in touch. But her letter was so defensive it was attacking me. It did a pretty good job of shifting the responsibility of her actions from her to me. I didn't respond.

What she was going through was simple: too much stress. Her solution was to do something that she reasonably should have known would cause us to disassociate, either by my doing it directly or giving her an excuse to speak the words. In other words she wanted to sever ties with me so she blew me off on my b-day.

Why did she wish to sever ties with me? Because we both cared.

I was more open about it than she was & I'll admit that I cared more about her than she probably felt she did about me. But she cared. In fact I'd say it was love at least in its minimal state. Consciously she didn't want that though. She didn't feel she had time for the demands a relationship would have placed on her, or perhaps the emotional energy to fight being placed into a cage. I couldn't be just her friend any more than she could just be mine. The way we were intimate was as much emotional & intellectual as it was physical & to her would have been to draining, too consuming to let continue.

So she dissed me the most efficient way she knew how - subconsciously. I'm sure that if asked she'd give the excuses given in her last e-mail to me; that she had a clinical & tons of homework & tests to study for & didn’t have the time to see me. & I knew her schedule would be tight (though not quite as tight as she told me in the last e-mail). But she could have made 20 minutes to see me or for me to come to her or to at least call.

In any case she intended for us not to see each other anymore. That it came about in such an uncool way was probably not what she foresaw but I think that at least on a subconscious level it was a deliberate action geared towards a specific result.

I wrote her a few weeks later saying I'd be willing to talk if she was but I never heard a reply. That was coming from an odd place I'm not even sure I could describe, but I saw her as being lonely & despite my feeling that she didn't give a fuck if I lived or died I couldn't bear thinking of her in that condition. I botched up any meaningful communication of that idea though. I really don't write well when I'm feeling overly emotional.

So what I think happened was that we both cared but I was skittish about commitment because I was afraid of her rejecting me which led to me not giving her the acceptance she needed form me at the time which led to her abandoning me which led to me feeling a lack of security & priority with her which led to my being overly clingy & giving her the impression that I wanted to possess or use her which led to her abandoning me again to avoid being emotionally caged which led to me feeling that she just didn't care at all.

Funny thing is I think we still care greatly for each other.

You can look through the pages of this blog & see that I have not lost my caring for her one bit despite not being thrilled with the situation. whether my conclusions are right or wrong it should be obvious from the time I put into trying to figure her out that I wouldn't have done so if my feelings for her were not deep. As for her; she still visits my other site. I rarely talk about anything personal or of deep interest to her yet she visits as a way of keeping a bit of an emotional bond with me (I think).

The other funny thing is that we aren't speaking at all so we cannot discuss any of the above. I'm sure I'm not 100% right in my assessment of things but without her input there's no way to tell for sure.

The Why Of JAG

2006-02-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

I write this with the firm belief that if she ever reads it she'll kick my ass. I was brought up to never disclose the intimate details of a relationship when the other person could be identified. & any time a group of guys would gather together & brag about how they got laid or what tricks they made the unlucky girl perform I've been filled with a desire to give them a redneck-to-idiot translation of "that ain't no way for a gentleman to talk about a lady". I'm not going to be discussing any details like that even with her being safely anonymous. What I will talk about is what I think makes her tick, & that is something just as intimate if not more so than anything else. I've put so much effort into figuring her out not just to understand how to interact with her, but to understand her. I wouldn't go through this if I didn't care about her very much as it's draining to get so far inside another person's head.

One more caveat – these are all things I think she has to deal with but I could very well be misreading her. Even if I’m correct they are not the entirety of her. She has a very wonderful side that really negates any problems the following could cause. In other words these potential detriments do not negate her attributes – in fact they accentuate them. On balance she’s a very cool person & despite the regret I have for our current circumstances I think as much if not more of her & her character as I ever have of anyone.

How do I begin? How do I write about the things that are fucked up about a person I think is the most beautiful being I know?

She is afraid of being abandoned by those she cares for. I think at times she's even done things to elicit abandonment either as a test or to just get it over with (though I'm not sure she's done this consciously). How it usually manifests itself is similar to how my abandonment issues come up; she doesn't let people get close. She simply doesn't let a person love her. She'll date & be in a relationship but it takes much effort for her to overcome her fear of being discarded. I'm not sure if she's ever really let someone in a romantic relationship care for her the way she should be cared for.

She also has problems with how others view her. Physically she's very pretty & has a very nice figure. Intellectually she's very smart. I believe she knows these things, perhaps to the point of seeming arrogant at times but she worries that other people won't see those qualities (& perhaps others). More importantly she wishes for those she accepts to view her positively & recognize her attributes. We all do to some extent or other but with JAG I think it has a little more (though maybe not too much more) influence on her actions than on most people.

The other entanglement that stems from the abandonment problem is acceptance. She wants to be accepted by those she cares for, to the point of doing things out of character for her (to a certain degree).

To give an example she was on a softball team one year. I've never seen her play but from what I know of her I imagine she's at least better than average. But she called me a few times complaining of the injuries she suffered during the games. When I suggested that she take the next game off I could tell my advice was falling on deaf ears. She had been injured during the game & refused to stop playing because her team needed her. Now granted I've done the same thing before in sports & work as have a lot of folks. But I think it gives a decent example of her willing to suffer to some extent in order to gain acceptance of some sort from those she values.

There are other things, mostly minor in nature. She has a quick temper. She's very non-confrontational which leads to some passive-aggressive behavior & she gets upset at times when things don't go as planned. But those are not that big of a deal unless they're fueled by her fear of abandonment or her need for acceptance or recognition.

& I should clarify; none of the above has caused her to do things that are morally or ethically wrong. They've just caused things in her life to not go as well as they perhaps would have otherwise. In some cases they've had little or no effect at all.

But the biggest problem she faces (from what I've seen) is that she's afraid to really care or vice versa because of the chance of the other person leaving her high & dry. So she's guarded & reserved when it comes to being really intimate emotionally. She also has a tendency (from what I've seen) to make less-than-cool choices in partners. Not that she's cruising the prisons as a dating pool, but those she seems to try anything serious with seem emotionally unavailable, & in at least two cases I know of emotionally abusive. Not that they didn't care for her in some way - she's very easy to fall for. It's that she probably is attracted to something about certain men that leads to uncool relationships. & that thing is probably emotional unavailability.

As far as I know she has ended both of the relationships I know the most about (excluding hers & mine) & I would suppose that she reached a point where the emotional cost was simply unequal to the emotional gain. The good times weren't enough to make up for the bad times & the bad times were mainly caused by the guy trying to set conditions on her that he would not submit to himself.

Added on top of that is the emotional abuse she's suffered. (I wouldn't be surprised if she'd even received some physical abuse, although in very small measure & knowing her it'd have only happened a time or two before she left the situation.) The after effects of the manipulation she's been subjected to have made her even more weary than normal of anything serious. In a casual relationship she's probably fine & seems well adjusted, but I think she only presents a certain side of herself when in those. She stays aloof to some degree & when things stop being "fun" she becomes flighty. If things get serious or a guy seems to care too much I think in some cases she views it as insincere behavior or as another form of manipulation.

But she probably views most guys, even those she likes &/or cares for as potentially wanting to use her for some purpose. She simply has a hard time trusting that someone really cares for her instead of the "her" they envision molding her into.

She also seems to have an aversion to emotional responsibility. She just doesn't want to be the reason behind anyone feeling bad (or in some cases good). She has trouble at times making decisions in relationships because she doesn't want to be the one to blame. She has carried this so far as to completely withdraw herself from her friends &/or romantic interests for a period of time.

So a lot of what I see in her actions is the result of her problems dealing with being abandoned & the after effects of some very bad relationships. Not that it's dominated her life in every facet, but I think it's influenced her decisions in relationships more than she realizes.

Course I could be wrong. I could be misunderstanding her & the cause of her actions. But I'll try to justify these conclusions when I post about the problems she & I had in a relationship.

The Why Of Harrington

2006-02-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't think that the way we're raised explains or excuses all of our behavior. But it does give insight into how we became the people we are. We either accept the upbringing we had or we reject it & sometimes do a combination of both. But I think the following does a good job of explaining why I made the choices I did in the relationships I've had.

I was 2 months old when Frankie left with her parents. I never thought much of it except that I had lucked out (because Jean & Frank were great) but now I see it effected me more than I had thought.

Frankie had Lisa a year & a half after I was born & she kept her. In addition she lived in the same fucking neighborhood I did until I was almost 10. Despite Jean & Frank caring greatly for me this colored the way I'd view relationships. & Jean & Frank added to this through no fault of their own; they were old. From the time I was old enough to understand death I knew they would die & relatively soon.

So underneath whatever I thought on the surface I had the notion that anyone I cared for would either abandon me or simply die.

In addition the relationship Frankie & I had was not a warm one. She had 2 moods with me; neutral or angry. I consequently had 2 moods with her; neutral or smart ass. I knew I'd never gain her acceptance so I didn't try. I also knew I could not depend on her when I needed help. Oddly enough when I needed help she'd usually not come through, but when I didn't need help she'd try to help. I never quite understood that but that's how things played out.

So what this did is it colored my view of people, especially those I cared for & thought cared for me. When I felt secure I was either stoic or slightly happy with them even though inwardly I'd be elated. But it took some time for me to get to the point where I felt secure.

When I wasn't secure I'd either just walk away or I'd try to gain that security through actions. In other words I'd attempt to win their acceptance. I'd often appear clingy while going through a period of insecurity & I probably was being clingy, especially compared with how I normally behaved.

Not that I was totally fucked up or uncaring or possessive; I've been in both situations & acted reasonably considering the circumstances. But I'd excuse behavior too easily at times & become disappointed when that behavior wasn't corrected or the previous security wasn't instantaneous in reappearing.

Another component was my grandparents. I cared for them. I don’t just mean I felt something for them; I mean I tended to their needs. At first it was running that new fangled microwave or reading very fine print but more & more responsibility was added to that as I grew older & they grew weaker. When they passed I was lost for a while because one of the main (if not the main) objects of my life was to take care of my grandparents. After all, they had taken care of me for so long & I felt honored that I could attempt to return the favor (not that I did everything I should have, but I did try). After they passed I had no great purpose, no real reason to exist. I didn’t have anyone to live for, as living for myself just seemed to selfish to qualify as justification for my existence (remember I was only 21 when Jean passed & Frank had been gone 2.5 years by then).

I won't delve into the relationships I had before I was 25 because I was still learning to deal with adults in that way. JD was probably the turning point & from then on I was very weary of who I got involved with. JD was great; she just lost whatever it was she felt for me. It took me a while to get past that & when I did I was probably actually ready to give something serous a try. Not that it happened right away - that weariness thing had set in firmly by then. I simply didn’t let anyone get too close or let myself get too close.

With VA we fell apart because of 2 arguments. I could have repaired things (I think) but I let them slide. I cared for her, even loved her but didn't see myself being secure with her after our falling out. Looking back I doubt I could have lived up to her expectations anyway, so the behavior I learned with Frankie about not even trying to be accepted possibly contributed to things ending.

With KS I never got past Spain. Early in our relationship she took a trip there with her ex-b/f & lied to me about it. I thought I could let it slide & I never brought it up again but I never got past that. It colored how I thought she viewed me & it contributed to me never feeling secure with her again - at least not totally or for long. Whenever she'd mention Spain I'd get upset which should have been a sign that we needed to deal with things, but I thought I was following Jean's example by just trying to forget it so I internalized my feelings. I doubt she ever knew it upset me so much; I never brought it up & we never dealt with it. That had a lot to do with me walking away from her. It also had a lot to do with me continually trying to gain her approval, especially after we broke up.

With JAG it's the same old story. I had built up a lot of security & trust with her, but she threw that away when she stopped seeing me to date someone else in '05. It wasn't that she acted wrongly - it was that she abandoned me for someone else. I didn't realize how much that effected me until a few months ago - after she & I had fallen out. I had been stoic with her to some degree (though not so much that she didn't know I cared to some extent) up until she abandoned me & then I was even more aloof while we were friends. But when she told me she was about to become single again I went in the other direction. I made a big declaration of my affection for her & I think I had hoped that if she left him & came straight to me that it would erase all the damage she had done a year before. It wouldn't have but sometimes we interpret things wrongly & make the wrong conclusions.

But every little slight I could take from her I did. & every little thing that made me think things were cool I took to heart. I was up & down every few days & I over-reacted a few times as well as under-reacted a few times. When I was around her I wasn’t acting like myself. Not that I was totally foreign but I was a bit clingier than I like to be. In short I exaggerated to some extent a lot of her actions & in turn my reactions were exaggerated.

She & I fell out because she ignored me on my b-day. I've always been a little sensitive about b-days & viewed it as a sort of litmus test for caring (based on some previous bad b-day experiences). I thought I communicated this to her well enough so when my b-day passed & I hadn't heard from her my world fell apart.

During the 4 months in '05 that we saw each other I felt as much genuine caring from her as I had from anyone I believe actually ever gave a fuck about me. Enough so that even the loss of security & trust couldn't eradicate my belief that she cared. In fact I tripped out for a few days in September because I thought she had told me that she didn't care & I just couldn't rationalize that with what I knew of her or the world.

With the passing of the b-day came the passing of the belief that I had any sort of security with her, or that she cared about me in any manner. Well the last isn't totally true; I still think she cares & cares deeply but she's not at a point in her life where she'll accept that enough to act upon it in a way I can appreciate.

But my world has been shattered ever since. Not so dramatically that I can't function; just that I have a severe lack of motivation. Again going back to how I interacted with Frankie - if I will never gain someone's acceptance then why try at all?. But it's a little different this time because I just don't feel that the results of any attempts at a relationship will be any different than they have before. I'll snap out of this at some point but for now I can't get motivated to meet anyone new.

This is problematic because of my need to have a greater purpose than myself. Throughout my career as a guitar player I traveled & gigged & dated casually but never got into anything serious (JD was the exception but I wasn’t traveling too often when I was with her). To some extent I had used my career to justify my being; playing guitar wasn’t just what I did, it was who I was. But when I felt comfy enough to get close to someone they became the priority. I mean that despite my appearing to value my career more than anything else I saw nothing being higher in my world than caring for someone & letting them care for me.

An example is that I never turned down a gig if I could possibly make it – except once. JD had driven down to the beach to see me play & could only stay the night. I had done 2 gigs that day & was about to retire with her & spend the time with her I had said I’d have. The fellows in the band I was playing with caught me right before we left & told me we had a chance to play another gig that night. It took a second to process that & I told them no. They were literally stunned. Open mouthed, jaws on the floor, etc… because they’d never seen or heard of me even contemplating turning down a gig before. But at that time my priority in life was JD.

So now I’m alone. I don’t have any hope or potential; at least none that I can see. I’m still holding on to a very slim chance that JAG & I will patch things up someday, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

I see why my past has influenced my actions. I won’t say caused because my past only played a part in what has transpired between myself & the ladies I’ve mentioned. With each one I could have been cool about my past & things still might have went to hell.

But I know now what has influenced me & also what I need to do to rectify things in a relationship. The problem is unless JAG finds herself willing to talk about things then I have no one to work things out with. & without someone to care for or the potential of having someone to care for it’s difficult for me to get motivated to really accomplish much. As I said I’m functional but I don’t see the need in putting forth any more effort than I have to into life when the fruits of that life will not be shared. That’s something I’m trying to work through on my own but even when we see the logic or illogic in something it’s not easy to shake off the emotions that come with it.

To sum up the biggest problems I have are related to abandonement & engulfment (the psycho-babble term for clingy). The offshoot of these things is a strong desire for security within the relationship & it usually manifests itself as needing to have a high priority in that person's life. When those things don't line up I get worried that I'm on the verge of being abandoned & I'll either try to act in such a way to get the other person's behavior to change in a way I think is acceptable or I just walk away. this is probably over-simplified in certain aspects & some may seem like normal behavior. It's not that the desire for security in a relationship is a bad thing; it's that I'm probably more sensitive about it than most folks are, which leads to the other things.

Dramatis Personae

2006-02-04T00:09:00.000-07:00

These scribblings are not for those who value good prose. They are a peek inside my world & much of it is random venting. If I didn't want an audience I wouldn't have started a blog, but I'm still uncertain whom I'll let view this.

I started this blog in January of 2007 but I've filled it in a few months prior with writing I had done offline. I've back-dated this entry for convenience.

I value my privacy & those of people I'll refer to. Besides, in the southern tradtion kissing & telling isn't cool when the people can be identified. I started these writing for one reason but they've morphed into something else. A lot of it I view as whining but I suppose even I need to whine on occassion. In any case here's the list of folks I may refer to, in alphebetical order:

AO: A friend I met via a chat room. We've met in person & still stay in touch.

AS: An ex-g/f. We dated from 1992 till 1994 on & off.

Carrie: My cousin, daughter of Maria & Steve.

Chris: My cousin, son of Maria & Steve.

CW: One of my oldest friends. we've known each other since we were 10. He's in prison now.

Danny: My ex-stepfather, Frankie's widower.

FB: A manager at work & a decent guy.

Frank: My grandfather. He & Jean raised me. He passed in 1990.

Frankie: My mother. She passed in 2006.

GA: A buddy of mine & a damn fine bass player & singer.

GAvO: My best friend. We met in college & have been close ever since. I loved her back then (& still do) but she never felt any attraction for me. Yet we're still very close, even when we don't talk that often.

GB: A former lover.

Harrington: That'd be me, your not so humble narrator. I'm a mid-30's former guitarist.

JA: A former lover turned friend.

JAG: The lady that is on my mind most often in these writings. She & I were lovers for a while in 2005, then friends/pen pals for a year then we tried to be lovers again in the fall of '06 but it went all to hell. Currently we aren't on speaking terms.

JD: An ex'g/f. We dated from 1996 till 1997. We lived together for close to a year.

Jean: My grandmother, Frank's wife & Frankie's mother. She & Frank raised me. She passed in 1992.

Jennifer: My littlest sister, daughter of Johnny. She was born in 1990.

JG: A former lover turned friend.

Jim: a co-worker & a decent guy.

JL: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months on & off in 1989.

Johnny: My father.

KP: a buddy of mine.

KS: An ex g/f. We dated each other from 2001 till 2004, then on & off for another year. We lived together from 2002 till 2004.

KZ: A friend I met via a chat room. We stay in touch intermittently & at times are close.

Lisa: My little sister, daughter of Frankie & Johnny.

Maria: My aunt, daughter of Jean & Frank, sister of Frankie.

MB: A friend I met through a forum. I've been at his house & he & his family are always too gracious.

Pam: Lisa's girlfriend.

SD: A very close friend. We met in 1987 & have been friends ever since, though strictly in the platonic sense.

Steve: My uncle, husband of Maria.

Tric: My older sister, daughter of Johnny.

VA: An ex-g/f. We dated for a few months in 2001. We lived together for 2 months while we were dating.

WB: A friend of mine from our teenage years.

GAvO

2006-02-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

She has been a constant in my life since we met. A very bright spot in a world that at times is not so dark.

In 1990 I was a few days late for the beginning of class. I was working construction over the summer & you tend to lose track of dates. In any case GAvO was in my music theory class. She was quiet & shy but friendly at the same time. & she was a helluva guitar player. She had more talent than I did but her shyness kept folks from seeing that. Plus she impressed me with her answer when some guy asked if she had any kids. She looked coyly around & said, “None that I know about”.

We started hanging out & after a few months I started to care for her. She cared for me too but she did not feel any sort of attraction to me. I asked her out for Valentines Day in 1991 & she accepted. She was the first (& one of the very few) ladies I've taken out on Valentines Day. I took her to my favorite fish camp & had sent her flowers. After dinner I dropped her off at her apartment & tried to kiss her. She turned her head & gave a sort of nervous giggle. I kind of figured then that it wasn't going to happen. A few days later we discussed the situation & she told me that she didn't feel an attraction for me & in fact was infatuated with someone else.

We didn't speak for about a month after that but then we started to hang out again. In fact we would talk almost every day. We became best friends.

She moved away to finish her degree. By that time I had dropped school & was gigging again. But we stayed in touch, albeit not that frequently (she was a bit on the slack side). Any time of duress that I can recall I went running to her, at least for a long time. In 1992 when my grandmother passed I went to see her. In 1993 when AS got married & my attempts to stop the wedding failed I drove to see her. In 1995 when I was getting stressed out by my band I went to see her. In 1997 when things had fallen all to hell with JD she came to see me. In 98 we were roommates at the beach & after I moved out in 1999 we would still hang out quite a bit. She was the last person I went to see before I left the state in 2001.

I hadn't talked to her much for a few years but when KS & I split she was on the phone anytime I called. When Frankie was not doing well she was always available to talk. She drove a few hours to meet me as I passed near her in early 2006 on my way to see Frankie. She's just always been someone whose caring I never doubted.

At times I've regretted that she never felt an attraction for me but I can't feel too bad considering the caring she's given me over the years. & I've done as much as I could to return the favor, albeit I doubt I'll ever settle the debt. For the record though I don't think I've ever lost the attraction I felt for her & there have been quite a few times where I'd have been cool with trying to work something out romantically with her. But I think I've just accepted the fact that she never wanted anything from me of a non-platonic nature.

She's probably been around on more of my b-day's than anyone else. I've hung out with her on New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, her b-day & just about every other occasion on the calendar that I gave a damn about. Oddly enough she doesn't call me on my b-day when we're living in different towns even though I don't think I've missed calling her on one of hers. If she was within an hours' drive she'd be over to see me but otherwise she just has a drink or twelve while listening to Queensryche & thinks of me for a minute or two. With her I let that slide because I know she cares.

I've known the girl coming up on 16 years & while we've had a difference or two she's always made my world a bit brighter than it would have been. She has faults & flaws like anyone else, but for me they don't diminish whatever the hell it is that she is to me.

It's not the greatest or most concise description of her, but I don't think I could give a good enough account of how I see her. Just settle for this brief account of why I see her the way I do.

KS

2006-02-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

I met her online through a personals site in 2001. She was living in Italy at the time with her ex-b/f. We hit it off over the internet & phone so we decided to meet. she was flying back home (a couple of hours south of me) on November 3rd. She drove up to see me on the 4th & we hit it off in person better than we had over the phone & net. Our first date lasted 3 days.

Things were going great until late November. she was about to leave one morning to go back to her family & mentioned something about wondering whether or not to leave her ex-b/f's house. There was a little more to it than that but I took it as her not knowing whether or not she wanted to break her ties with him & move on with me. so I told her quite plainly that she had to make her mind up & it'd be best if she didn't call me until she did. A "it's him or me" ultimatum more or less (though not quite in that way). It was the first time I'd seen her cry & it damn near broke my heart on the spot. But I stuck to my guns & told her that I cared but I couldn't see her until she was ready to make a commitment to me.

About 4 days later she called & wanted to see me. I assumed she'd made her decision so we saw each other over the next month or so. I met her family & even spent Thanksgiving & X-mas with them. We hung out at a friend of hers place on New Year's Eve. I took her to see Frankie & Johnny & Lisa & Maria for a few days. Then she went back to Italy.

She wouldn't say how long she would be gone, just that she needed to take care of some things & she'd be back as soon as she could. It ended up being 4 months which was longer than we'd spent in each others' company. It was pretty rough for me because I missed her but was uncertain of her intentions.

I almost said to hell with it when she announced that she had decided to come back & go back to college, but she was going to take a trip to Spain first. For some reason I didn't want her to go to Spain & offered to take her there myself after she came back to me. No dice; she was going & said she'd travel alone. I had no reason not to trust her but it bugged me that she wanted to come back for school. Not that I have anything against furthering an education but I was hoping she could have found enough justification to leave her beloved Italy for me.

A week before she came back she called me & very humbly told me that she had lied & that her ex had met her in Spain & traveled with her for a few days. I was livid but for reasons of my own I let it slide. I never asked her about her fidelity; I assumed there hadn't been any. But I cared for her & thought I could grant her one serious fuck up. I was wrong but at the time I didn't realize why.

We moved in together a few weeks after she got back stateside. Her grandparents let us borrow their RV & we stayed in it for a few months until I found us a cool little apartment just inside the city limits. I thought it was cool but she fell in love with it. I thought it was pricier than my "cheap bastard" genetics would tolerate, but her face lit up so bright when I asked if she wanted it, so we moved in.

I lived with her & her cats (Bug & Chip) from about May of 2002 until September of 2004. We had some fun there & probably a few too many arguments, but we at least argued civilly most of the time. & she never neglected my b-day (or I hers) though one year she was swamped & could only hang out for 20 minutes or so. I felt kind of slighted but understood & 20 minutes was cool enough to let me know she cared. New Year's Eve was another story but I don't think she ever really grasped how much it meant to me.

KS was beautiful to me in a way that few women have been before or sense. I saw myself living with her the rest of my days & I was happy about that. She was attractive mentally as well as physically & I could tell that she really cared for me.

But she didn't love me. I don't mean that she just wasn't in love with me. I mean that she didn't love me. I kept going back & forth but ultimately I realized that she only cared for me.

In spring of 2004 she hadn't been home much. She spent 3 months in Mexico doing a student exchange thing & another few weeks in Peru doing a dig (she was an archeology student). One night when she was back I noticed a foreign number on her cell phone (we shared it) as I was about to make a call. I asked her about it & she told me it was her ex-b/f from Italy.

Normally I don't make ultimatums. I don't like them & only reluctantly use them. so i didn't give her one. I told her simply that I felt uncool about her talking to him & if she persisted it would do damage to our relationship. She kept talking to him so a week after her b-day I broke things off with her. A little over a month later I moved out. I figured we were over & I was trying to recoup to move on.

Then she called & told me Bug was sick. She took her to the vet & they found cancer. I tell folks I did it for the cat (because I did love the little furball) but I really did it for her. I spent just about every waking moment over at her place for the next several weeks & missed some work over it. I tried to take care of the cat but I was really trying to take care of KS. I knew how much it effected her; she had the cat for 17 years & she was always real sensitive about animals in general. To give an example she still cried when she'd see a picture of a Rhodesian Ridgeback because she had one that she had to put down about ten years before.

We ended up putting the cat down. I won't tell you that it didn't tear me up but I kept cool in front of her so she could fall apart for a little bit. We kept seeing each other. Not quite as much but once a week or ten days or so.

I didn't see her over x-mas. I forget why but I opted not to go down to her grandparents with her. I tried to make plans with her when she got back but she was booked on the day that I asked; plans with a fellow student. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I assumed I'd see her on New Year's Eve. I didn't.

She called me at 5 or so on December 31rst of 2004. She asked if I wanted to go with her to the party at her friend's house. This particular friend of hers was an asshole. I didn't like him & came close to having words with him a time or two before. I reminded her of that & said I'd have to decline as I wouldn't set foot in that idiotic overbearing asshole's house. I then asked her to hang out with me instead - just her & I. She said she'd already made plans to meet her cousins down there & if I didn't want to come then "fine". (& that "fine" meant that it was anything other than fine.)

So I spent New Years Eve alone & decided to move the fuck on. I admit I should have made plans with her sooner but when someone calls you on the day of after they'd made plans two weeks in advance that generally means you're an afterthought, not a focus.

I kept hanging out with her but told her I was trying to date again. We were still broken up but I figured it'd be decent to tell her I was trying to see other people. She shrugged it off & things were much like they were before. I could hardly ever make plans in advance with her but if she had a couple of hours free she'd call & see if I could hang out.

School was hard on her. She was smart but bit off way more than she should have, so her time was extremely limited. & that was part of our problem; when she had free time that she knew of in advance she'd make plans with her friends or family. I was in her life but not as a priority. I was a back-up plan, or so it felt. To top it off she applied for a graduate school in a state I won't move to. So I figured it was over & at most I'd be able to see her until August when she'd move out of state.

I went on a few dates but nothing of consequence until I met JAG in March of 2005. JAG & I saw each other at least once a week until July. I kept seeing KS but with both I had made no commitments & had been very upfront that I was not committed to either of them. I wasn't trying to be a stud; I cared deeply for KS & didn't want to have her be lonely but at the same time I was starting to care for JAG & didn't want to miss hanging out with her. In hindsight I should have made a choice between the two but I thought everything was cool for all involved.

I took KS to see Frankie in May. We went down to the beach & fell out about JAG. When I got back we fell out again. She gave me a choice between her & JAG. I thought for a second about how I'd tell JAG good-bye then realized that I wouldn't. I hurt KS pretty badly & that I truly regret. I didn't try to be mean or cold but that's how she viewed it. I still think it was mainly her ego that was injured but that can cause enough pain for me to feel badly over no matter whose fault it was. I spent years trying to protect & care for KS & her I was being the cause of her tears.

We didn't speak for a month. When JAG & I stopped seeing each other KS called about some moving related matters (I was still a leassee at her apartment). We ended up seeing each other for a few weeks before she left town.

As bad a picture as I painted of our relationship I have to say that it was by no means all bad. She was one of the coolest people I'd ever hung out with, let alone dated. For her b-day (two weeks before she left town) I spent over $400. I wouldn't have done that if she wasn't worth caring about. & she wasn't materialistic; it just cost me a bit to get her a few things that would have some sentimental value.

She didn't call much once she moved. I answered the phone late one night in late August to hear that Chip wasn't doing well. In October she called to tell me that Chip had died a few minutes before. I was tore up as much for her as for myself. I get too damned attached to cats.

we were talking a little more often in October & on my b-day she called. I tried to talk her into coming into town to see me but she claimed she didn't have the time. I tried to make plans to see her as I'd pass close to her in late November (or so I thought) but she had already made other plans. She came back to town twice & didn't try to call or see me. She was home for x-mas & called on x-mas day. I tried to talk her into hanging out on New Years Eve but she said she had made plans with her grandparents. She was supposed to come up on the 30th but cancelled that morning due to a death in her extended family. So on New Years Eve I gave up on seeing her again.

I didn't speak to her for about 8 months. It was hard not calling her on her b-day but I didn't. I ended up calling her when I was tripping over JAG disappearing on me in August. Overthe next few months we talked a bit & I told her the details of JAG & how they intertwined with her dealings with me. She was cool about things & I thought we were alright.

She called on my b-day & we chatted for a while. But I tried to call later that night when I was a bit upset & never heard back from her. In December I called & we talked for a bit but it seemed strained on her end. We haven't spoken since even though her grandmother told me she had planned on seeing me when she was in town over x-mas. I never heard from her so I assume she ran out of time.

So that's what happened with KS & I. We both made mistakes with each other, most of which I didn't write about but I can't look back & hold her in the wrong. She made choices I didn't care for but it was seldom if ever a question of being right or wrong. Truth be told if I thought things could be worked out with her I'd make all the effort I could, but I simply don't think she loves me in the way I need her to in order for anything to be really cool. Still she was & is beautiful to me & one of the few people in my world that I know actually cares. I just hope she can find someone she actually loves & that he's worthy of that because she is very special.

JAG

2006-02-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin. On other pages I tell the story of how she & I met & interacted. On one I even point out things I think she deals with - baggage in other words. But how do you tell someone of someone you care for?

She’s bright. Not just a little smarter than average, but very intelligent. This is hidden partially by her shy demeanor & her soft spoken & quiet manner. Really if she has a choice between using 2 words or 3 she'll pick 2 every time. She can speak up & be assertive but naturally she's got a very soft voice. Patience is another virtue of hers. She will wait until you speak if she has nothing to say. All of those things combined cause some folks to not realize how bright she is.

She's about 5'5" & has a very athletic build. A petite frame with almost no fat at all. When I first saw her picture I guessed she was 125 pounds or so because of how thick her biceps were. Turns out she weighs closer to 105 but she's mostly muscle. Most of the jeans I've seen her well do not do her body justice - her legs or her ass. She has a complex about her legs that I can’t really understand as they’ve always seemed shapely & attractive to me. Her stomach is tight but not flat in the traditional sense. It’s tricky to describe & do it justice but she’s toned without being so sculpted as to be unattractive. Her hips aren’t as wide as most women of her height but they fit nicely with her frame & musculature. Oddly enough I always thought she had a nice back as far as backs go. Her hands are delicate even though you can see that they’re used to work. She's not big chested but she's not small for her frame either. I think she's close to being just the right breast size for her frame. Her neck is slender & graceful, neither too long nor too short for her body & head, though I admit definite bias as something about her neck always brought out the vampiric side of me.

Her hair has changed color a few times since I met her. Naturally she's a brunette but she was blonde at first then red for a while. She’s let it grow out a bit form the time we met. But her face is a semi-rare type that is complimented by either short hair or long hair (though I always preferred it when she wore her hair down for some reason).

Her face is very pretty. Cute nose, nice cheeks but not overly defined so as to eliminate her jaw line. Her lips are not Angelina Jolie type full or anything, but they're not too thin to be distinguishable. Again almost the perfect fullness for her features. She has 2 beauty marks, one on her left cheek just above her lip & the other on the left side of her neck.

Her eyes. Soft & brown & too easy to get lost in. Not just because of their appearance but because at times I almost believed I was staring into her soul. One eye is bigger than the other – just enough to tell which adds to her features more than detracts from them.

She has a weird sense of humor. To illustrate that she thinks I'm funny (sometimes at least). She'll often tell me something with a straight face then struggle to keep from laughing when I tell her I caught how she was teasing me. she even pulled a good one on me; for a year I called her cat by the wrong name through a semi-misunderstanding. she never said a word. She just let me call her cat what I called her, probably inwardly giggling her ass of the entire time.

She's also very caring. At least she has been towards me (with a few exceptions). She's tough but she has a sweet nurturing side that's very touching when you're exposed to it. Or at least in my case that's been so.

She's tough as I said - works very hard & is determined to pull through just about any adversity. She's had her chance to prove that too & while not being unscathed seems to have acquitted herself well. She's not infallible & in fact has fucked up quite a few times that I know of, but she's pulled herself past those things.

She does have a quick temper & gets quite upset & grumpy when things don’t go as planned, but she controls it well & is not very confrontational (in fact she could stand to be more confrontational than she is).

She looks young even though I can see some age starting in her face. Still I'd card babygirl for spicy bubblegum if I didn't know her. & she is young - 26 last December - but she's been through quite a bit & can be mature beyond her years.

She has a confidence about her that borders on ego, but I believe it's more owing to her matter-of-fact nature & her assessment of herself. Still I think she has some insecurities that I can find no legitimate reason for.

She's also very passionate. If she believes in something she tends to mean it though I think she's careful as to what she believes in.

She's pragmatic but not so much so that she is boring or afraid of adventure or risk.

When I see her I definitely see the lady in front of me, but I can also see the little girl inside of her. Perhaps that's just me, but that best sums up the duality I see in her of child & woman. That alone would be enough to make her beautiful to me if it weren't for the other things.

That's what I know of her. I admit bias but I doubt anyone who knows her would say I was too off base.

On the surface though she's a nursing student in her 2nd semester of school. she works as a CNA to pay the bills. She's 26 years old & an avid snowboarder (as well as bike rider, rockhound & a few other outdoor type things). She’s an avid reader when she has time & is often too damn busy for her own good. She’s a daughter a sister & an aunt in addition to her other roles. She is owned by a very sweet yet sometimes grumpy kitty. & I am her friend & was her lover. I'm not entirely sure if either were reciprocated but that's a tale that will unfold on other pages.

To sum up she is beautiful to me. & she doesn't look bad either. :) This is how I see her even now & it's partly why I write of her so often. The other part is partially due to my view of her, or perhaps the cause of my view of her: I love the girl.